Worst Trek Tie In…Ever [UPDATED w/ More Bears!] March 27, 2007
by Rick Kelvington , Filed under: Merchandise , trackbackCBS beat Paramount to recasting Captain Kirk…
UPDATE: but wait…there’s more
Dear Valued Client,
Thank you for contacting us about the newly advertised STAR TREK FAITHFUL FUZZIES collection.
Currently there are 6 pieces that have been named in this collection. Artists may choose to shorten or lengthen the series based on demand for their product and the number of products in the series is not guaranteed.
Products within this series are offered at intervals based on production schedules. We try to ship every 30 days if possible (pending product availability). The next shipment will be sent to you after payment is received for the previous delivery, and as it becomes available to us from the manufacturer. If you pay by credit card, your card will be charged automatically once each piece ships. Collectors who have reserved an entire collection may cancel at any time.
The following is a list of items in this collection:
09 01282 001 CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK $ 19.95
09 01282 002 SPOCK $ 19.95
09 01282 003 BONES $ 19.95
09 01282 004 SULU $ 19.95
09 01282 005 UHURA $ 19.95
09 01282 006 SCOTTY $ 19.95Please respond to this email if we may be of further assistance. You may also call our toll free number, which is 1-877-268-6638; our hours are 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM (CT), Monday through Friday. Be sure to visit the collectiblestoday.com online store by clicking on the following hyperlink: http://www.collectiblestoday.com.
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Comments»
That looks like a cheap, tacky cash in.
I must have it.
I always thought of Kirk as more of a dog….
hmmm… TiBEARius? Coincidence? I think it looks like a piece of pooh.
Daren
use a pun…go to prison
Wow, a collectible that annoys both fans AND the general public.
Congrats, Hamilton Collection. Bravo.
Pooh, pooh on CBSParamount.
amazed by the details?… Where’s the lovely yeoman serving coffee or the classic torn uniform top? Is there a matching blonde toupee?
I can’t wait until the Spock bear shows up. With those ears the figurine will positively Yoda-like.
“facinating it is….ummmm.”
I can’t bare it! CBS in dipping in the honey pot yet again!
*goes to prison
When I saw this in the newspaper I thought… no this can’t be, I’m seeing things. This is a knock off or something. Yet it wasn’t. Don’t these people get the cute factor is only cute when it IS in fact cute! Did Shatner sign off on this? Or does he not get a first look on any version of himself that has more hair than he does?
What does a bear have to do with 40 years of Trek? They didn’t change anything, the scale of the chair, the size of the buttons, nothing, they just stuck a bear there. I wonder if you pull at the bear if there isn’t an unlicensed, unpainted, unformed Kirk figure under the over sized bear! Well, we couldn’t get a license for Shatner’s Kirk, so we just made it a bear. Nobody will care!
I hate this thing so much… we should nitpick this thing like lepers at a buzzard convention!
At least its an accurate representation of Shatner’s belly after season 1.
I hate it!
What’s the point?
Why is this even on here?
I’m saving my money for the Data bear.
#11 DB
data bear… head slightly cocked, quizzical expression..yes?
#10 Josh
This the fat Shat you wanted?
I can’t BEAR this blant act of commercialism!
TTM
Erm…BLATANT act of commercialism….
That is very sad.
Great, because of the body language on this damn bear I’ll never be able to watch an old TOS episode with Kirk sitting in his command chair, leaning forward, chin resting on fist, as he ponders his next move, without thinking of this stupid image! It’s all ruined for me! Ruined, I tells ya!!
Oh boy! I sure hope Stephen Colbert doesn’t get wind of this! You know how much he hates bears!
Wait a minute! There’ve been Star Trek bears before (albeit without a captain’s chair). How big is this bear in comparison with the others?
i like it.
i really dont know why you wouldnt
This actually doesn’t bother me that much. I wouldn’t ever buy it, but it has it’s market.
The most insidious thing about this is that they DID get the body language just right. I mean, except for the treacly care-bearishness, that’s definitely Kirk. That’s his posture and expression, in bear form. Does anyone else remember the “Smile Time” episode of “Angel”…?
Aaaghh….
Well its for the Star Trek Fan that has to have everything. Like the plates and Mugs were not enough, Next up!!! Star Trek Toilet paper!
Guys–don’t buy it if you can’t BEAR it. I won’t.
But don’t knock the teddy bear market — OMG, those people WILL snatch these off shelves. I bet this Hamilton Coll. looks around for licensed characters and very carefully makes their license buys. And this will make money–like the Barbie/Ken Trek dolls–plus get Trek into all kinds of niches and before eyeballs Where No Trek Has Gone Before.
You think this is bad? At least it sits upright. The ultimate will be Trek beanie babies…. oh god.
I don’t know, I think it’s pretty humorous and cute myself. I’d put that on my desk, if only to annoy this one fellow I know at work who would totally whine about it (like all the folks in this thread).
I’m still speachless.
What the hell is thing?
If you think this is bad just wait for the inevitable commercial tie-ins associated with the new film -
Spocka Cola
Jeff Gordon driving NSCR 1701
Rodden-berry breakfast cereal
The Mc Coy meal at McDonalds
I’ll give ya all I’ve got Cap’n! lottery scratch offs
Star Trek- Risk
Star Trek-Monopoly
Star Trek- Trivial Pursuit
Klingon cling ons
The James Kirk bobble head
An entire line of Wal-Mart “red shirt” fatigues, attire, and comfies.
The 1701 J.J. Abrams tank
Romulan footies
“Federation” starter jackets
Nike anti-grav swoosh shoes
“I’m a hoodie not a sweat jacket” hoodies
Boldly Go themed toilet tissue
“My other car is a starship” bumper stickers
Khan Noonian Singh along childrens books
The entirely predictable Mr. Spockato Head
The obligatory Politician usage of catchphrases-
“Those boys are being treated like a herd of redshirts! Bring them home now!”
” Thingsh are good…gettin’ better, tuff’ si-chuashuns over there, hard tuff’ ,difficult, Jamesh T. Kirk fella’ never packed up and quit a job before it was done, an neether will them, us, well, you know what I mean.”
if you guys see ANY of this, dammit I want my royalties!
“Too ugly to bear, or too beautiful to bear?”
– Is There In Truth No Beauty
“It would bear closer investigation.”
– That Which Survives
“On Vulcan, the teddy bears are alive,
and they have six-inch fangs.”
– Journey to Babel
“How can you bear to look at me …”
– Mark of Gideon
“The humiliation must have been most difficult for you to bear.”
– Plato’s Stepchildren
“It can bear up under full phaser power.”
– Operation Annihilate
“You were … the finest star ship captain …”
“Yes, I do remember that. It was a great
responsibility, but one I was proud to bear.”
– Whom Gods Destroy
Oh, there’s more…
Lego Star Trek
“Lil’ Trekkies” animated/puppet Saturday morning show (with My Space web page)
The Yet-To-Be-Named actor who plays Kirk goes off and forms his own band…”Federation Overload”
“Hi, I play Mr. Spock in the new Star Trek movie. As you know, Vulcans are vegetarians, and I’d like to introduce my new diet plan…”
And in a few years…
“Lil’ Trekkie vs. Predator” on Adult Swim
Absolutely Jeff,
Lest we forget the perfunctory,
new rave dance craze the “Beam up” with accompanying pop hit “Red alert pervert” performed by the Tribbles.
The Janice Rand themed womens perfume “Toilet’ de’ Yeoman”
Harry Mudd pies
Saurian brewsky and chewing dip pouch
Tholian Bowling balls
“Sweatin’ to the fist fights” featuring The Shatness stretching the hamstrings to Alexander Courages incidental themes
Chips Ni-Moy chocolate chip cookies
A whole plethora of Golf accessories featuring each character on a different club
Autographed William Shatner King James Bible with U.S.S. Enterprise page holder. For the more religious Trekker.
Star Trek kareoke
Spock rocks pop rocks candy
Tiberius Beef jerkey- it’s quite tough, like shoe leather
AOL version 1701
Microsoft Operating system Portholes 2008, and for Mac users Mac-oy
Scotty brand Scotch, for the distinguishing gentlemen
Geez, it even has a little “Kirk Smirk” going on.
#27+30 Josh T.
Good lists, but let’s not forget the deluxe selection of vibrators for women from the “Captain’s Log” collection!
I love it! It’s so cute!!!
Does it come with the chair?
I’m actually looking forward to all of the commercialism and spin-offs. Can anyone here remember a time a when Star Trek merchandise was in mainstream stores like Walmart or Target? I mean besides the dvds or a random novel? Bring on the toys! I’ll be a kid again in the toy sections.
I can recall walking in the toy aisle of Zayre, Airway, etc, in the late 70’s and seeing the toy isle chock full of the small box AMT Star Trek models including the Enterprise, Galileo shuttlecraft, K-7 Space station, Romulan Bird of prey, Klingon Battlecruiser, Mr. Spock, Command Bridge, and Mysterious interplanetary UFO.
The Dinky toys and Mego figures were shelve friends as well.
It reminds me of the B5 Ep where they set up a merchandise stand and Sheriden Spaces the Bear at the end of the ep. Maybe Shat could buy a bear and have it sent into space then Spaced.
LLAP.
I can also recall renting Star Trek- The Motion Picture on videocassette, back when VCR’s were 1000 dollars and had that incredibly cumbersome, whirring deck that opened from the top, and grabbing some Long John SIlvers, and watching that film over, and over, and over, everyday, for probably 6 months, except the part where the two crewmembers were killed in the Transporter accident, that scared the shit out of me for some reason, but hey, I was 7. Must have been the blood-curdling screams and awareness they were being horribly mishapen and distorted, dying an ugly, violent, unglamourous death.
Lord my Mom was pissed renting that so often.
Josh T. - That’s why my parents ended up shelling out $89.95 (back then)to buy a copy of the tape.
They also threw a fit when I wanted the 5 volume set that Paramount issued of TOS around that time, at $59.95 per tape!
Have you seen this one: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/160/437196325_553300ec40.jpg?v=0
hmmm. I think it looks a little like Matt Damon.
…just kidding, folks
CBS/Paramount has never taken their hands off the Cash Cow’s Teet called Star Trek and never will, unless it is to sell off chunks of the franchise as they did last year with the Christie’s Auction.
Star Trek has always been the punching bag for Paramount even though the Franchise has made the Studio Billions of dollars.
Trek Prop Zone
#36; ah, those really were the good old days. The only ones I didn’t like were the kid-sized phaser, communicator and tricorder models. I sooo wished they had been actual sizes. Had to wait til I was an “adult” to get them life-sized and functional (after a fashion).
slow week kids..if were gonna have 43 posts about a bear lol….as for the toilet paper…i think you know the joke;)
^43
I glued BBs (remember BBs? They were from the Before Time) into the bottoms to give them some weight. Then I got fed up with their size so during the spring and summer of 1977, I looked at my filmclips under the junior high science lab microscope, compared what I saw to the Star Fleet Technical Manual, and built my own phaser and communicator from scratch! Not bad workmanship for an 11 year old!
This is the same kind of crap that companies such as the Bradford Exchange, Ashton-Tate Galleries, and the Danbury Mint create.
It’s very non-Scottish….
…in other words…
IT’S CRAP!!!!
Further evidence that the new CBS Paramount regime are clueless. I think we should go back to the days of Gene Roddenberry’s original way to sell Star Trek merchandise.
If it doesn’t fit in an flat envelope, then we don’t sell it.
Now if only CBS would follow that rule this atrocity would never have happened.
Although, Star Trek costumed bears would be cool if they were done right.
Won’t someone think of all those Star Trek deprived toddlers and children with their soleless i-pods and laptops. We should be forcing a childhood on them.
Enough about the friggin’ bear! Who’s going to play Kirk? I gotsta know!!
I want a Borg Bear!
I want to see a Picard Bear… if only to see how a bald bear would look!!!!
Isn’t a starship captain usually “smarter than the average bear”? Ouch!
It’s cute in a kitschy kind of way. I’d have to think a little before assuming it is the worst, ever. But, it is in the running (IMO) with the plastic gun (from the 70s, I believe) that shot the little plastic disks.
Awwww, Kirk’s all fuzzy and ponderous! ^_^
You guys really need to lighten up. Its just for fun.
There is no fun in Star Trek fandom. Except the fun we make ourselves. Of other people and things. Otherwise everything is serious. And usually a grievous insult to all Trekendom.
Aww!
I personally think it’s cute.
That said…
It should appeal to the Furry/Star Trek crossover ultra geeks… GAAHHH!!!
On second thought…
It’s not cute.
The Romulan ale was worse, IMHO, I think it was licensed. Don’t know if the lighters and flasks are legit. Either CBS wants to cash in on anything and everything or they are not scrutinizing licensing very carefully.
#58
(still have that 6-pack of the “Romulan Ale” beer. heard stories about the consequences of actually drinking it…something akin to St. Paddy’s Day beer with green food coloring, and the passage of the food coloring through the excretory system — as well as the TOS edition Barbie and Ken (in original box) and the Kraft marshmallow dispenser from ST:V)
I’m bad.
Lord Garth must disagree. The clear worst Trek tie in ever was the futuristic Kraft “Marsh-mellon” dispenser that came out with Trek V that kraft offered as a mail in promotion. Worst ever period!!!!
Lord Garth hath spoken, now Marta will dance for Captain Kirk-bear!!!
To me, one of the worst products sold was a little viewer that you held up to the light to see a filmstrip of little black and white reproductions from the first Gold Key comic book. I bought it as a kid with every expectation that it was actual images from the series. The cardboard backing had a color image from the series and it said it had pictures from the show. How disappointed I was as a kid when I opened it!
The only thing I kept was the backing with the color photo on it. I still have it.
The post I made above referred to the filmstrip viewer that was put out in the early 70’s. There was a Pocket-Flix viewer that came out in the late 70’s that more than made up for it, though. This was a battery-operated viewer that showed an actual filmclip from the show! It played a one-minute segment from “By Any Other Name” that showed the ship going through the barrier. I would watch it over and over! I took the tape recording I have made of that episode, and synched it with the clip, and would watch it with sound! This was the first bit of actual moving-film of ST that I ever had and it was exciting! This was before the advent of videotape.
#60
WHAT?!? I have two of the Marshmellon dispensers. I still use them when I need to distribute a maximum of three marshmallows.
Worst tie in ever: Photon Torpedo Candy. It was TNG Jelly beans, and they tasted like crap
Star Trek sock puppets!!! ; Reinact your favorite Star Trek scenes.
well John Tenuto forwarded me an email from Hamilton…apparently the whole TOS cast (except Chekov) are getting bearified
…see the update in the aticle
Sweet Jesus. They turned Kirk into an Ewok. This is what happens when you abandon dignity and good taste in pursuit of naked capitalism.
Anthony, if Checkov is the only one NOT getting this treatment, then Walter Koenig should send Hamilton a letter of thanks ASAP. LOL
Are the Uhura, Sulu, and Scotty bears complaining that the Kirk bear gets top billing and steals their scenes?
#67 “in pursuit of naked capitalism”. Do you mean naked as in “bear-naked”? Bwahahahaha….
Does the Spock-bear have green fur and pointed ears?
Inquiring minds, and all that.
#70 - I’m as big a capitalist as the next guy - who doesn’t like money? - but don’t ya think there’s a line that you shouldn’t cross somewhere? Personally, and maybe it’s just me, but if my mug was the personification of someone’s intellectual property, I think I’d protest if they’re whoring it out to the point of absurdity, even if I was getting a kickback from it. Sure, I’ve got a few collectibles myself (including the entire Hallmark ornament set, going back to the TOS Big E - unopened, in the original boxes, no less!), but we’re ice skating into Star Wars I-go-to-work-dressed-as-Luke-Skywalker territory here. There comes a point when product tie-ins hurt your image more than enhance it, and this is one of those times. Hamilton (or was it Franklin?) made some damned good collectibles in their day - the pewter TOS Enterprise, the phaser, all that good stuff. Pricey, but definitely something to show off on your mantle. This crap is just plain tacky.
Does the bear have a removable toupee?
Next up: Tribbles posing as Starfleet Officers, complete appropriately outfitted redshirts.. :)
Hamilton is racist against Russkies and Communists!
No Chekov Bear = Flames on Optimus Prime = Nipples on Batman
Woops, unfortuitous typo
This is sick and wrong.
#72 Viking
When you’re right, you’re right! The only difference between this kind of marketing and prostitution is that the hookers still possess what they sold after the customer has paid and left! Well said, Viking!
Someone really needs to contact the Stephen Colbert people. They’d do a segment on this bear, and it would be hilarious.
maybe we are missing the fundamental point here that this, and the new film implies Trek has evolved and transcended beyond the sum of it’s parts into pop culture history.
When a bear can be marketed as Captain Kirk, and still be recognizeable as both , “Captain Kirk” has then become a timeless idealogue immortalized in formats beyond the scope of Shatners mere face.
You can say it’s whoring I suppose, but it is also powerful and a guarantee Trek is now officially a part of history and will NEVER, EVER, dissapear or die, and can be regurgitated in forms and facets we can’t even consider.
does anyone remember star trek “teenage mutant ninja turtles”…. sadly i do
It’s missing something… hmmm
…something….
…something…
….its missing the obligatory Deela-bear-ette sitting on his lap!
I think I’ll get the Uhura bear just so I can sleep with it. :) Snuggling with Uhura… a dream come true!
Speaking of merchandising… the Borg could solve a lot of their image problem jut by hiring a good advertising firm….
http://angryflower.com/borg27.gif
Hey, it could always be worse. Imagine a Precious Moments collection.
I remember the “Star Trek/X-Men” crossover they did in Marvel Comics.
That was rough.
Anthony,
Awards for best pun/ play on words for this thread?
(I know what the trophy will be.)
clearly Daren most deserves to be sent to the punitentiary
I agree walter dodged the bullet…but as always he is excluded…poor lil wussinnnnnnnnnnnn
My 4-yr old son sleep every night with 4 of the previously available, sort of standing bears which I got in Vegas and on the official site: Borgy, Spocko, Ferengi-i, and a ridged Kilngi. He loves them. I will take them all back when he is six.
Anthony, Appleton comes in a close second. He deserves to be chained next to Doc and forced to lap gruel out of the same bowl……. ;-)
Praise for my puns? As Bette Davis would say, “I’d kiss ya, but I just washed my hair!”
If it’s a close contest between me and Doc for best punster, how about this soundbite for helping you make your decision?
“Personally, I think hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted!”
Well, what do you think? Does that nail it shut? Huh? Bwahahaha……
Maybe the “R” in James R. Kirk stands for “Ruxpin”… now that’s an oldie but a goodie.
With all the babes he bags I thought the R stood for RUGBURN!
Please….God….make them STOP! ;-)
Viking’s response reminds me of the old adage, “a pun is a short quip followed by a long groan”. Personally, I’ve always felt that a good pun is it’s own REWORD!
*GROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAN*
Atta boy, Pavlov’s dog had nothing on you! Tell me, is my comparing you to a canine a little too “RUFF” for you? Ooh, momma, stop me before I pun again!!
That’s it.
Boys? Get the net an’ sneak up on him, real quiet-like. Careful - these comedian types might nip at your ankles. ;-)
Get the net? I thought I was ON the net! DarenDoc, where are ya pal? I need your help! Ooh, nice jacket these boys are offering me…a little long in the sleeves, though….hmmm, make mine a 46 regular, extra extra long in the sleeves! Ah, fits like a glove! Well, at least I can still type messages with my nose…
Well all they have to do is put the name “Star Trek on it and it’ll sell.
Whats next petrified Targ poop under its own glass dome?
I hear the working title is STAR TREK: Back To The Bank!
Yeah, #102, that’s it - little mylar bags of chocolate covered raisins, marketed to the under-12 crowd as Klingon targ turds. Kids will eat anything. LOL
Next up - William Shatner stool samples! That’s right! Genuine CAPTAIN’S LOGS!!!
What in God’s name made anyone think that was a good idea? I’ve seen some stupid licensing tie-ins, but that’s just plain puzzling.