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You can also ‘chat’ with the comments below. Usual rules of decorum (family friendly, no flaming, trolling, being annoying, etc).
This is not for site feedback (go here) or tips (email: tips [at] trekmovie [dot] com)
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Happy New Thread!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
A new year, a new thread, so many stories untold, so much fanfiction unwritten. 2009 was the Year of Hell, but 2010 is going to be completely different.
Full speed ahead. Let’s see what’s out there….
Denise, put your pants back on….
OMG a new thread. Amazing. And after hours of cursing, I finally got my wireless router to work. Maybe this new year WILL be better.
Well, I would say that it couldn’t get worse…but we all know what happens to people that say that…
Screw that! This is going to be a good year. Put the negativity off for another… 2 years? 2012 can be the emo year. NOTHING is going to screw with me this year.
Sounds good to me. I need a better year as well. Heck, the whole world needs a better year.
And we will do that by writing one Kirk/Spock fanfiction at a time!
Quch chu’ DIS!
*Facepalm. Sounds good to me though, as long as you don’t require me to add creativity or understand specific references.
OMIGAWD. THERE REALLY IS A NEW THREAD!!! HURRAH!!!!!!
Now I can actually type! Yay!
Other than my dog getting into chocolate and making herself sick the past twelve hours, it’s been a great night! Watched “Inglorious Basterds” and “District 9″, saw the NYC Ball drop, and there’s a new thread on the chat board. Happy New Year, everyone here on Chat! Let’s make this new year just as good, if not better, than the last.
But most of all, let’s live long ‘n’ prosper this year. Good tidings, everyone! -toasts!-
New thread?? FINALLY!!!
Happy New Year to my friends at Chat!
LL&P 2010, everyone!
So nice and clean! Not for long!
No delay in posting a message…..oh joy!
A Trekkie New 2010 to Everyone!
Great morning in Atlanta.
Oh, and…..
BOOBIES!
“BOOBIES!”
NOW it’s a Chat.
Watched The Ugly Truth…….cute. Watched 500 Days of Summer…..different.
What, everybody hungover from last night’s festivities and now missing in action?
I cannot believe it – I can actually post a message now in under the average 2 hours! Yeah! Denise is back…
TOG#3- Put my pants back on? Must I?
Happy 2010 everyone!
Denise, it’s only you and me here. Nice not having to wait forever to post, isn’t it?
Saw “Up In The Air.” Excellent… especially for the buhzillion of us job-hunters. Saw “BSG The Plan” Euro-cut (with boobies.) Good for fans. Kind of an EP for the series.
Denise, don’t let anyone tell you to put on clothes. This chat is clothing-optional.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ohio State Buckeyes win the 2010 Rose Bowl!
This is a good start to the decade.
#22 :: Congrats to the team you’re obviously a fan of. xD
I was SO bummed when Northwestern lost the game against Auburn. But it was a well-played game nonetheless. Why am I a NW fan? Simple. They have the same fight song as my high school!
Christine,
Yeah, I watched that too. I was not happy. The Big Ten needs more wins.
As for fight songs, OSU has about a half-dozen of ‘em!
Le Reg
Fight the Team
Hang on Sloopy
I Wanna Go Back
Buckeye Battle Cry
Fight the Buckeye
I’m sure there’s a few I’m missing.
#24 :: Hang on Sloopy is not a fight song, dude, it’s just pep band. xDD But say what you will, I guess every school looks at it differently.
Big 10? Aw, dude, no, Big XII needs to get back in the game!! Nebraska and Texas were like.. the only redeeming quality this year. Even the Sooners were a disappointment, and they RARELY disappoint. But even so, Colt McCoy (of the Longhorns).. I think he’s overrated. He got sacked like FOUR TIMES during the NU – TU game for the Big XII conference title. They won by a fluke on the timeboard. A FLUKE, I TELL YOU!!!
-rages-
To quote the defensive coordinator Carl Pelini, “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THAT TROPHY!”
Them dudes are without honor. Like totally.
And now I’ll get off my press box and stop ranting about football.
So, um, in the life of my fellow Trekkies…?
JJ should just change the Star Trek theme to “Rock and Roll Pt. 2″ and be done with it.
Dead around here lately!
Hope everyone is having a calming weekend before attacking the New Year.
I am with two endlessly energetic kids who become particularly unhinged when they’re with dad. Dad’s happily exhausted.
They won’t watch a second of “Trek.” I managed some “Hellboy II” and introduced my 7-year old son to “Terminator.” Of course, we all saw “Avatar” in 3D (with only two pee-breaks and one set of lost glasses half-way through). Central Park and the Rock Center Tree, and tomorrow maybe the Zoo…
Well, AJ, there’s no better tour guide than you!
AJ- They will not watch any Trek? Yikes!
It’s 20 degrees F here in NYC, with winds gusting to 40mph. No zoo today.
My son had me order Transformers 2 on PPV, and it’s a major slog, for sure. Never seems to end. I’ll try to slip Trek09 in somehow!
31,
Oh AJ you poor thing… I’m sorry you had to watch that. I tried to and failed. Megan Fox has zero talent, and Shia LaWhatever is a douche.
As for how to get the to watch Trek, just “accidentally” have it in the DVD player instead of the movie you were going to watch. Put the disc in the box of a movie you’re “going” to watch, pause it right at the beginning, and then play it when they’re all sat down. Or get it to an action sequence and pause it. That’ll at least draw them in.
The thing about Megan Fox is all those luscious curves… you almost do not care if she even gets the dialogue right, because you are so busy looking at her…
AJ, you can’t force someone to convert to The Church of Trekentology. Trust in the Good Profit JJ and his sermons from the Paramount. Or, maybe you should use a videogame to usher in the novices.
Denise, you beat me to it. Megan Fox doesn’t need talent… any more than a Transformers movie needs a plot, characters, dialogue, coherence, or an ending.
BND — Whar ye be, Buddy? We miss ye!
#33 :: I can think of twenty more talented actresses than Megan Fox whose curves are just as “luscious” as hers. One of them is Jeri Ryan. (Yeah!) The other nineteen, I am too lazy to type up. Hahaha.
#34 :: Wait, wait, I thought we hadn’t made first contact with the Ferengi yet. Have you been time travelling? (-,-)
But I wholly agree with your notion on Transformers. I actually thought the first one was kinda good, but then the sequel ruined everything for me. D:
One thing I don’t get, though, is why everyone is raving about Inglorious Basterds. It was interesting, yeah, but.. I honestly wasn’t that impressed, aside from a few notable performances. The directing was just… WEIRD.
Happiest of Happy New Year’s, All!
Oooh, a shiny new Thread! Let the K/S fanfics unfurl! Denise! You go right on going pantsless!
I actually went out and found the TESB and ROTJ soundtracks on CD. After twenty-three years of owning ANH I thought it was about time…
Anyone see the Doctor Who finale, “End of Time”? Both parts were quite good. Gonna miss David Tennant. His was one of if not the best portrayals throught the show. That’s saying something for a character that’s had eleven people playing him. New guy, Matt Smith, just looks weird, though…
A fresh New Beginning to the year and a Fresh New Thread!
I hope everybody enjoyed their holiday. My family all enjoyed each other’s company (no, really), and we all managed to take care of each other. The kids played nice. Three of us saw Avatar in Imax 3D (Fantastic!) and I got to play a LOT of real, honest to goodness jazz gigs.
Anyway, it’s great to be back here with youse guys.
Happy New Year, to you THX, your Missus and sundry thx’s.
Hi Beach! Hi THX! I got a big Christmas present from Anthony when he reset Chat – now I am able to post again! Woo hoo!
Hey Beachy! Hey Denise! Happy Fun Times!
And if you like Starblazers and the thought of a live action movie, check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBu1cZm4Gqg
I believe this is coming out in 2010. Bring it on, says I.
40. THX-1138 –
That looks like great fun. I’d still like Hollywood to take on either Starblazers, RoboTech, or Captain Harlock… and do them in a serious-minded (but still fun) manner. GREAT STUFF. Beats the poo outta Transformers, IMHO.
Sometimes I like working in healthcare….like when I can get an employee discount for getting my cat’s prescription filled at the pharmacy. tee hee
Nothing better than a cut on the price for pussy meds!
If your pussy’s feelin’ blue, a little strokin’s the thing to do.
Ne’er was a pussy who
Disliked a rub or two
I shoulda known…..
Careful, CmdrR, you don’t want to rub a pussy the wrong way!
Ever seen one when it’s angry?
On a cool winter’s day, fur can throw some sparks.
And yes, ‘Nella… you shoulda known.
Yes, I guess some of them could have fur…
42:
So your cat can now say: “I can haz ‘rection nauw?”
Hello’ thar’ all.
I thought AJ wuz’ in Russia? I see tha’ new thread brought Denise back. CmdrR- still be as unemployed as me?
Awwwww, well… here’s a long horrid tale…
… fur’ olde time’s sake…
on TNG E
PICARD: What’s the matter with you, Ensign 3rd Class BND? You’re usually in such a jovial mood you make me mess my bright red pajama uniform.
BND: Awwwwk… I just have been beaten down by life so much that I’s dunna’ wanna’ jokes no mores…
PICARD: But you can at least assist us as Riker is playfully assaulting us with his special phazor.
RIKER: Come on BND! And you too, Worf- join in. It’s fun! Help me to loosen my pants, fanny-face.
WORF: Even though I wish all you pa’taks to burn in the Underworld Ferry forever for making anal-ogies about my head looking like an arse, I will warn you about an incoming unknown vessel!
PICARD: On screen! Engage! Make it so! Do it! Whip it good!
LaFORGE: Captain- we get it, damn it. There’s some sort of silly time thingee ocurring, like usual.
RIKER: Hey- that ship appearing looks like a primitive version of our luxury liner.
on TOS E
KIRK: Who… are YOU? And WHY are you… posing as my… Enterprise? Spock- scan them for COMELY lasses and then… MR. CHEK…ov… target phasers on them.
CHEKOV: Phasers locked. I mean, they’re really locked. Mr. Sulu, are you hiding the key to the control wutton again.
SULU: You’ll have to search me, dear.
CHEKOV: Keptin!
KIRK: Just get the key. You know where he keeps it. Now transoprt all… OF… the ladies onboard here. You know, that pajama fellow should really wear a rug.
on TNG E
PICARD: Oh, my…
RIKER: They’ve taken the women! The women! My dear Troi was beamed aboard!
PICARD: Oh do come on, Number One. You had as much chemistry with her as Data has Doritos in him. Well, at least Wesley is still here…
WESLEY: Oh for goodness sakes. I’m not a woman. Look! (drops pants) You can all go to heck. Wankers! You’re all “Number Twos” in my book!
On-Screen KIRK: Now, prepare TO… be a part… of… my… cowboy diPLOmacy!
PICARD: Shields up! Engage the Picard Maneuver.
DATA: Do you wish us to throw a bootie at the ship, sir?
PICARD: No… the other Picard Maneuver and… oh, crap! Everyone lean to the left as red lights flash and our faulty circuit breakers spray sparks upon us!
WORF: Half the ship has been destroyed, sir! Shall I return fire?
PICARD: How can we return thier fire when it has already destroyed half of my vessel? Tut, tut, Mr. Woof. Really. Do you intend to go back in time and capture thier fire and then gift wrap it ever so carefully and…
WORF: The last thing I shall say to you is this- “Inserrection” was a good movie. (beams into a shuttle and leaves)
RIKER: I preferred “Nemesis.” Wait… did I direct that one? Computer- find the credits for “Nemesis” and display on screen.
PICARD: Belay that! Fatso wants to say something to us.
On Screen KIRK: I don’t know… WHAT… kind of crazy games you are playing. BUT WE… are the only true Star Trek.
(another Enterprize appears in the time rift and ship to ship communica goes frantic)
PINE: Hey, old geezer- turn off your blinking left nacelle! Better yet, let me do it for you! (fires recoiling cannon at Kirk’s TOS E)
KIRK: The bridge is smashed… the computer isn’t working… He knew exactly WHERE… to hit us. Right in all that model glue.
SPOCK: The adhesive is highly flammable but, man oh man, it does make you feel good… like a little bird tweeting in a field… I’m calling THX for some more of it…
On-Screen PINE: I have deprived you of your power. When I swing around again, I shall deprive you of your women. I won’t be needing these. (throws pants out of a porthole, John Cho gets sucked out accidently)
PICARD: Hello! We’re still here! Anyone? No one wants to shoot at us again? Data- give me your bootie to hurl at the viewscreen. How dare they ignore us and not destroy the rest of a knight’s ship!
DATA: Sir, may I have permission to heave myself into space even though we have perfectly good shuttles?
PICARD: Is that some sort of sex thing, Mr. Data?
DATA: If you wish it to be, sir. Shall I extract your flute?
KIRK: How can we beat a computer generated model? Spock… I WANT… you to download Windows 7 into their… CGI matrix.
PINE: Why are my dimples disappearing?
QUINTO: Our computer generated ship has a virus, captain. Jim… Jim… our ship is slipping away and soon we will be tos-ed into the vacuum of space. Jim- may I suck your power from you now?
PINE: Uhhhhhh… Scotty, beam me out!
(another ship appears)
JANEWAY: Guys, guys, guys… what are you doing? We’re all one big happy fleet. Let Aunt Kathie give you each a big hug.
KIRK, PICARD, PINE: Run away!!!!!!!!!
(as the Enterprizes depart, another vessel appears near Voyager)
ARCHER: OK, so we should be right where all the other Enterprizes are. Hey, where are they going? Hello? Oh, come on… I just need a friend. I traveled years and miles and such to find you guys. Hey- why is that squeaky voiced lady shooting at us? Run away!
TRIP: Sorry Cap’n. I got me some ScyFy Channel shows to do. Look at all the scripts I gots!
ARCHER: Golly- I’ve been using those as toilet tissue. Yeah, well… I suppose I got to go as well, to love Raymond.
JANEWAY: How come I’m the only chic that got any lines? Geez, this fleet is one big sausage fest. Good thing I secretly have one.
CHAKOTAY: Don’t I know it.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I still gots the glue.
Welcome back BND!
It’ll take me only a coupla hours to read your latest opus magnesia. Hope you’re starting the decade off well…
Happy Noo Yee-arrrrrrr, BNDy!
Now, that thar story be funny, I don’t care who you arrrrrrrrrrrrr….
BND: Welcome back!
I am in the US for holidays, and will be back in Russia Sunday, though y’all’ll never know the difference.
y’all’ll
One of my new favorite words. And it’s fun to pronounce.
BND- hello sweetie! We missed your mentally disordered narratives so much… Big sloppy wet kiss, darling.
Ah, one of my favourite old movies………Ol’ Y’all’er!
THX:
I think CmdrR and Denise recognize “y’all’ll,” Mason/Dixon line ‘n’ all.
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters 0130
Kirk: “I….!”
SLAP
Kirk: “Have had….!”
SLAP SLAP
Kirk: Enough…!”
SLAP SLAP SLAP
Kirk: “Of you…!”
SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP
Spock: “Auuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!”
FIN
#50, BND :: I forgot how much I loved your delusional little teleplays. x3 You were missed dearly!! And, ahem, I beg to differ on your Riker comment. I always thought he and his imzadi were so cute.. when they actually were TOGETHER. (Which was.. never. Until Nemesis, but by then, it was too late. D:)
Ahem.
Just wanted to give a shout out to you guys that I’m starting an art project, “365 Days of Trek”. Every day, until January 5, 2011, I’m going to draw a different character from Star Trek. There may be repeats, should I draw more than one person in a picture, but I’m looking forward to it. About to start an attempt at Weyoun for day #1.
If you guys want updates or to give me ideas, just give me a shout out.
Pretty ships!
Oh, and Rand in a teddy.
Y’all’ll love them pretty ships.
Uugh, Janice Rand, please don’t make me. xDD
Nah, I kid. I’ll probably end up drawing her eventually. But her hair’s so impossible to draw. Hair in general is difficult. (This is gonna be a nightmare once I hit Lwaxana and pretty much every female TOS guest star.)
Then do a chorus line of Ilia, prototype Rayna, and the Butt-heads of Talos IV.
Christine:
All the Spocks in one pic: Kids included (TAS, TSFS, ‘09)
Doable? Interesting? A pain in the butt?
Christine
Ships. All ships. You should draw the ships. All of them.
I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.
And please allow me to amend my frakkin’ name.
(I seem to have mis-spellified it on the home ‘putie.)
66/67
Warning for sockpuppeting!
WARNING!
Welcome back, BND! Let the frivolity begin anew!
#66, THX :: Ship-ships? Or the ’ships that occur on ships?
Or, ’ships between ships.
Oo, that’s an intriguing thought.
(No, I haven’t been reading bad fanfics again. -innocent whistling-)
But no, in all seriousness… I’m terrible at drawing ships. (The metal kind.) But that’s why I’m doing this! To force myself out of my comfort zone! So yes! I shall draw thee SHIPS!
….But I can’t do all of them. Some of those DS9 battles had, like… two thousand ships. I have my limits.
70:
I think THX wants clinical cutaways with toilets and conference rooms, etc. Make sure everything is to scale (and indicated as such, with appropriate nomenclature).
Go to your local library and take out “STAR TREK BLUEPRINTS” by Franz Joseph for a clinical dissection of the USS Constitution, and you’ll see what THX is after. It’s Trek-Ship-P*rn for sure.
Hee-hee!
Ships!
Yay!
(I have the Franz Joseph blueprints. Plus lots of other blueprints and cut-away drawings. And my newly finished Connie Class cut-away model. So yeah, I like the ships.)
The blueprints rock.
I want the blueprints that show Kirk’s Secret Make-Out Grotto.
Thanke’ all…
Ahhhhh… sorry I been so out o’ sorts lately… and here’s proof:
From JJ Abrams comes…
A new film…
At the edge of the universe lies the beginning of vengeance… and a pretty good restaurant…
VOICE OVER: I have been forgotten by Kirk. Left to spend my time imprisoned, living my life soley for the penance he gave me… unfair, unforgiving, and quite forgetful. But I will have my revenge, dark and deep. And find some booze as well.
PINE: Spock, what the hell is that?
SPOCK: It is a starbase… converted into some sort of ship. With a good deal of hair.
PINE: Let’s shoot at it!
SPOCK: Captain, you’ve shot at enough large masses with hair today.
Every hero has his villain… every story has it’s climax… every taco needs to have protection or you’ll end up with a son you never knew who will try to kill you in a garden cave he made inside a rock planet…
SPOCK: Whoever they are, they have destroyed most of our Apple software. My electronic eyebrow plucker has even been deactivated.
UHURU: Baby, that’s just as well as I know you don’t use it on your eyebrows.
PINE: The CGI generator is still working! Let’s shoot them!
UHURU: Baby, we’re being hailed. And asked to surrender.
PINE: Whothedevil is that? On-screen now!
CYRANO JONES: Kirk- well hellooooooooo there!
PINE: Who in the devil in the dark are you?
CYRANO JONES: Oh, my old friend, you do not remember me. I cannot help but be crushed. I, of course, remember you. Yessss, indeedy. Look at this!
PINE: You made a starship out of wigs?
WILLIAM SHATNER: Trust me, Chris, that’s a good thing. I give you another five years until you…
PINE: Quiet, old man. Look, what’s going on with all those wigs?
UHURU: Some of them may be merkins. And I know someone who could use one.
SPOCK: It is not logical to have so much hair.
CYRANO JONES: Now, now- They’re tribbles, dammit! And powerful as they will come aboard your vessel, multiply, and smother you all. So now, Kirk- Au revoir!
(continued)
BND, I’m on the edge of my seat, picking hair outta my teeth. (Can never resist a good Tribble Taco.) Can JJ make a CGI lint-roller? I must read more!
Well… tha’ dissssapointin’ trailer’s end dunna wanna post here…
so… here’s a link wit’ some o’ me pals in it… like you…
http://sites.google.com/site/britnavdud/icannanotpostie
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I’m cryin’ for Ryan, damn near dyin’ to take Jeri and go Ballz Deep Space Nine’n!
Good stuff, BND. Trip is rather dashing, even in a huffer induced modeling haze. Iffy you squint a tad, he looks a bit like Jeri Ryan as a Borg. With all her implants (Borg and otherwise) still all implanted.
Mot bad, BND. Mot bad at all.
#70 :: I’ll have to check that out. I haven’t done ANY extensive practice with ships, and that sort of thing, but blueprints are wonderful. Thanks for the tips. Oh, and if you know of any sites online with blueprints.. even better, since some of my sketches will be done on Photoshop.
Romulan Bird of Prey blueprints. Very functional, spartan and cramped. Cool!
My resolution: I’d like to see our lovely Trek ladies visit Chat more often this year!
Harry, you just want us to post more often so you can flirt outrageously with us. So, what are you wearing?
Denise:
Nothing but a smile, darling…..nothing but a smile!
Please tell me you’re wearing that sexy teddy of yours…
Harry:
Assume Denise is naked every time she posts, and things should work out fine.
BND, we have missed your endearing brand of insanity.
I NEVER wear clothes when I post. Well, ok, that’s a lie, but it got your attention, didn’t it?
I rarely wear clothes. Unfortunately, it’s 20 degrees in Atlanta and shrinkage is a serious issue.
Yum, Spockanella.
I’d get naked now, except my brother is 10 feet away, and he would have me committed if I tried.
I’m… fully clothed.
And getting some interesting images in my mind.
Also the words “This is not a live studio, people!”
But I’m too happy to get too many.. disagreeable images in this small cranium of mine. I have a snow day tomorrow — second one in a row!
Christine:
As an adult speaking for all the others here, we are all nuts.
As usual, we adults expect you and TOG to pull us out of the gutter if necessary. However, TOG may be beyond help as he is in college.
CmdrR is a certified Christian. Pull him out first. He’ll tell you what to do with the rest of us.
WOOO!!! I won one of the Beta Keys for STO! Thank you Anthony! ^_^
And yes, I am FAR too gone to help.
#86
“Assume Denise is naked every time she posts, and things should work out fine”
AJ, the trouble with that scenario is that I have trouble typing with just one hand!
#91 :: Oh, no, don’t worry about it. You don’t know my lunch table. It’s easily several times worse than here, rest assured.
#92 :: Congrats!! Let me know how it is. :D
I’m a “certified Christian?” Not quite sure what that means. I think I’m still having too much fun to get in heaven’s speed check-in line. I’ll be very lucky if I don’t wind up toasting my tootsies in the fiery lake.
As for what to do with this crew… give us a fast ship, a star to steer her by…and then cut the rudder cable.
95:
“As for what to do with this crew… give us a fast ship, a star to steer her by…and then cut the rudder cable.”
I think that was done a long time ago.
TOG: Congrats on the STO Beta. Please report back in CHAT if the game is any good. I want to buy the thing, but would prefer to hear beforehand from a trusted source what it’s all about.
TOG- Congratulations, sweetie! Now what are the distinguishing characteristics of a STO Beta Key? Does it help you to get naked quicker?
Harry#93- Do not know whether to be amused or offended – think I will go with bemused…
AJ- So what are you wearing, sexyman?
What’s that you say, Denise? You’re willing to be my muse? Nice!
I was laughing my head off at BND’s BAFTA thread post. I read that they did a Spitting Image of BND, but the polyurethane burst into flames…
Arrrrrrrrrr, CmdrR… I aim me bafta ta’ please…
Though it ne’er do… Clean-up on deck 78!
Hey… uhhhh… Why am I on a’fire?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Random scenes cut from Star Trek ‘09:
SPOCK: There is no going back.
PINE: What? Hey- isn’t your 300 year old mummy running around re-populating the Vulcan race?
SPOCK: Indeed I am. Oh boy, Nimoy!
PINE: Buckle up- we’re in for new worlds, strange planets, a whole lotta’ CGI, and pantie-less aliens. Think the CGI guys could enlarge my…
HARRY BALLZ: Look, thanks for the autograph, Conner Trinneer, but quit asking me about 69 Forward members! If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll trip out your lights fantastic!
TRIP: But, Harry- Do y’all think this ring is a bit too flashy for THX?
—–
PIKE: I’m Captain Christopher Pike. Who are you?… Maybe Sinead O’Conner has finally gone homicidal…
NERO: Greetings, my ill-fated yet honourofuous unduly nemesis. I am but a poor lad, cast unto space to feel perdition’s flame’s fiery prick at my supple bile, aglow in a private vengenace for that which has been stricken from my broken and oftly-wounded vantated bosom.
JJ ABRAMS: Oh, for God’s sake, Eric! Just say “Hi, Christopher. I’m Nero!” Who wrote that drivel?
BOB ORCI: (mouth full of catered shrimp) Mmmlarr… I did! What- you also gunna cut the scene I write in which the Enterprize has a large set of…
HARRY BALLZ: What the hell are you EDITED doing in my hot tub?! Get the EDITED out of here with that camera and… say… is that Bruce Greenwood? Oh, God… with that shrunken speedo on I’ve seen his wood! Get out! I’ll call the coppers!
JJ ABRAMS: Pack it up, crew! The CGI will fill out the rest of the scene… so to speak.
—–
SULU: Ahhhhh! I’m falling to my death!
PINE: I’ll save you, Sulu! Grab onto me and we’ll beam up to the ship in mid-fall.
SULU: Kirk?
PINE: Yeah, Sulu?
SULU: I’ve always loved you.
PINE: Enterprize? One to beam up! (Sulu is beamed up) Wait- no!!! I meant me! Enterprize… another to beam up! Enterprize?! God, I hope that ground is all CGI…
—–
SPOCK: You are Montgomery Scott.
SCOTTIE: Bligh me thighs! I’m tryin’ ta’ take a wee whizzie here. Mind yer’ boots, pointy eared one.
PINE: Why is this… wig?… in a bowl of scotch?
SCOTTIE: I’m soakin’ me tribble, mind ye’! Tastes better all aswam likey that.
THX: Look, Trip… it was just a post by this maniac named BND. If you don’t stop coming over, I’ll hit you with my sax!
TRIP: Oh, I wish you would!
AJ: No, no, no- that crap messing with THX is just getting uncomfortable.
TOG: I won a free something something online dealie! And I resent the fact that BND cannot even take the time to learn about this online world I have a ticket to enter.
BND: Sorry thar’ fur’ tha’ dialogue, TOG. Why dunna’ me avatar on STO dunna’ have a shirt on? It’s pants, ye’ daft computie! Pants I dunna’ wear! JJ, Is this gunna’ be in tha’ movie?
JJ ABRAMS: I’m just… ruined…
HARRY BALLZ: (months later, watching ST09) Hey- is that my hot tub floating next to R2D2?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
D-VD Extra!
JJ ABRAMS: I’m just… ruined…might as well pack it up, go home, and scratch my…
HARRY BALLZ: (months later, watching ST09) Hey- is that my hot tub floating next to R2D2?
BND: Egads! Gettin’ hit by a sax really hurts! Awwww, well… time fur’ more o’ me model glue…
CINDY CRAWFORD: Quit making me all sticky!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Ooooh, sticky!
Super duper excited…daughter and grandchildren due for an extended visit any minute now!
I just got told off by Roberto Orci himself on the PCA board.
I really need to stop getting myself into arguments on these threads, lest I insult another famed writer I admire to the highest degree. (x__x)
I just finished an afternoon with offspring and otherspawn. ‘Nella, are you sure you’re ready for an ‘extended visit?’ Actually, I love having my own offspring anytime… even when they drive me nuts.
Christine — our sweet little innocent Christine was a be-y**ch? Or did Orci have it coming? I gotta go check it out.
BND — Have fun with Cindy Crawford, but if you mess up her mole it’s phasers at 20 paces.
Christine, I threw in my 2 quatloos on the PCA thread. I don’t think
Bob told you off so much as he used your comment as an excuse to show pics of Nichelle’s legs ‘n booty.
And they’re here! Dog and cats officially freaked out.
#107 :: Thanks, CmdrR. I appreciate it, really. Sometimes my mouth just runs, through my fingers, anyways. xD;; Ah, the pain of being a blabbermouth teenager…
Christine:
Don’t worry about it. Just be content to know you’re actually talking to a major Hollywood writer who doesn’t shy away from a good argument on a respected fansite. And he co-wrote and produced ST09. That’s pretty awesome.
Uhura has been an issue since the late 1960s. While she ticks the color and sexual equality boxes, does she truly live up to her potential as portrayed in Trek?
No. I think her roles in TOS and the films (portrayed by Nichelle Nichols) did more for the character than did the Zoe version in ST09. Zoe’s own presence made the character alive and vital, but it seems as if the role was penned in after the script was already finalized.
#110 :: Actually, Orci replied to my apologetic comment and said that it was unnecessary. He said he actually appreciated honest feedback on the film.. so that was a big relief for me. Nothing worse than thinking you’ve just insulted someone you really respect.. Thank goodness he can take things in stride!
But yeah, I gotta agree with you there. What really bugged me about her was that, like five times throughout the movie, Uhura rushed from her spot on the bridge to go solve a relationship issue or other thing. It was kind of like, “GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT, YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERGALACTIC CRISIS!” At least, that was my reaction. xD
I don’t know. Maybe she’ll be improved in the sequel. At least, so I would hope. :3
Christine, just so you know you’re always welcome here in 69 Forward. We need you and Denise, Spockanella, and any other comely lasses you can lassoo into coming in here. Otherwise, we get this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wl_uQOABxg
For British Naval Dude:
First – Happy New Year in this new decade.
Second – The poem I printed down on this webchat when your sister passed away, did you like it? It is gone now, but it was there before the new year came. It is an honourable tribute to her.
Thank you for your time.
Sam
EXT SPACE
ENTERPRISE is surrounded by angry Klingons in their newfangled (or is that newfanged?) warbirds. (Angry Klingons? That’s like saying this takes place in the darkness of space. When are Klingons not pissed about something? But I digress.)
INT BRIDGE
SULU: Captain! Incoming message from the lead cruiser.
KIRK: Onscreen.
ANGRY KLINGON: Puny humans! Surrender or die! You have one minute to respond!
(Yeah, it’s cliched, but who cares).
KIRK (without looking): Uhura! Respond that we–
Kirk BLINKS, looks around, sees an EMPTY COMMS STATION!
KIRK: The f*ck is Uhura!?!
PEEVED KLINGON: You have thirty seconds!
KIRK (struggling with Uhura’s unfamilar station): The f*ck is the goddamn send button?
Spock ENTERS looking pleased with himself and trying not to show it.
SPOCK (instantly all business): What goes on, Captain?
KIRK: Goddamn Klingons are threatening to goddamn blow us all up if we don’t answer in like (checks chrono) four seconds! The f*ck is Uhura!?!
SPOCK: She is, erm, that is, we were, and she’s still, um–She is indisposed.
KIRK: indisf*ckingsposed my ass! Look, Spockaroonie, bang her on your own time. We’ve got a huge–
PISSED KLINGON: Time’s up!
KIRK: –problem.
EXT SPACE
Klingons FIRE. Enterprise goes KER-BOOM (tinkle, tinkle, bang, biff, smash).
Klingons FLY OFF.
KIRK and SPOCK cling improbably to debris. A tiny PIECE of flotsam floats by. Kirk SNATCHES it out of the general trash.
KIRK: Oh! Of course! Now I find the send button!
FIN
Beach#114- But where is the inevitable K/S scene…?
#114
Fear not, oh intrepid crew. I have lot’s of glue. Shouldn’t take much time at all to get the ship put back together. If I can just get BND and Trip to stop sniffing it, that is.
And BND, you should know better. I would NEVER hit you with one of my saxophones. You know how much these things cost?
‘Beach:
Your Klingons were refreshingly not verbose while channeling 1970s-era Incredible Hulk.
And yes, you must have a K/S scene in every vignette.
STAR TREK: VOYAGER
The Bridge.
Janeway: “Harry! Get me my cigarettes and a bloody mary! I’m bored to tears in this f*cking place!”
Harry: “Yes, ma’am. Um, you’ve got half a bloody mary in your hand already.”
Janeway: “Shut up or I’ll rip your hairless little weenie right off! Get me my drink!”
Harry: “Right away Captain.” (Heads into the Ready Room)
Chakotay: “Katherine, I’m concerned about your drinking. You had to be carried to your quarters last night”
Janeway: “Did you say something, Fatso? You know someone drew on your face when you were passed out like six years ago.. Don’t start lecturing me about my f*cking drinking, you contemptuous knob…”
Kirk: “Katherine….Will you fix me a drink, too?”
Janeway (whirls around in surprise): “Wha…? Who the hell are you?”
Kirk: “Captain James T. Kirk, Captain, and this is my First Officer, Mr. Spock.”
Spock: “Hi.”
Kirk: “And he’s going to take me in my posterior right here on your Bridge, aren’t you Spock?”
Spock: “Affirmative.”
Kirk you mind if the Captain and her Bridge crew watch?”
Spock: “Negative.”
Kirk: “Maestro?….”
Sickly sweet slow funk begins playing as the two Starfleet officers undress and explore the inner depth and outer length of their smoldering manly passions.
Janeway: “Now there’s something you don’t see every day.”
Tuvok: “I think I am going to be sick.”
FIN
LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
The pass of Cirith Ungol
Gandalf: “This evil is beyond all of you….Run!”
The fellowship flees across the stone bridge only to see a giant, ancient Balrog rise up above the cowering figure of Gandalf holding his withered staff.
Gandalf: “Yooooooooooooooooou Shall Not PASS!”
Kirk: “Don’t you think you’d better check with me first?”
Gandalf whirls around around in surprise: “Wha? Who the hell are you?”
Kirk: I’m Captain James T. Kirk, and this is my First Officer, Mr. Spock.”
Spock: “Hi.”
Kirk: “And he is going to take me in my posterior right here on this Bridge, aren’t you, Spock?”
Spock: “Affirmative.”
Kirk: “You mind if Gandalf and his merry fellowship watch?”
Spock: “Negative.”
Gandalf: “Watch? I want sloppy seconds!”
Kirk: “Maestro?”
Sickly sweet slow funk begins playing as the two Starfleet officers and the ageless wizard undress and explore the inner depth and outer length of their smoldering manly passions.
Balrog of Morgoth: “Now there’s something you don’t see every day.”
Frodo: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
FIN
117: AJ
??? 70s-era Hulk?
Oh, you must mean “Puny humans!”
Thanks.
I think.
119: AJ
Sick, man, real sick! One of your best!
Have a great weekend, all!
Thanks, ‘Beach.
I’ll be back on Russia time Sunday (+8 hours to EST), but will lurk about today and tomorrow morning a bit. Then, Monday, I travel to Moscow for a week. I’m sure I’ll have access to wireless there.
Let’s keep this place cookin’!
Kirk: “Spock, it’s time for our game. Under the “G”….GROIN!”
Spock: “BINGO!”
The two men start groping each other as they fall to the floor of the turbolift.
FIN
Glue will not fix any of this.
“Under the “B”….BULGING!”
#112 :: I watched that video. Too funny. Maybe I can get a convince a couple of my friends from school (they happen to be TOS fanatics, but they don’t really know anything else LOL) to come on here. They’re almost as strange as me.
#114 :: I think you just made my day, Beach. (So did all the following writers! Tuvok’s last line in the following post was priceless. xDD)
Hahaha!! I really need to write a fic again; even if it’s just a one shot. I used to write them all the time. Of course, I could never match up to the level that several of you guys are at… Maybe my sense of humour isn’t entirely developed? But I’m learning. ;3
It’ll probably be written in prose form, rather than the playwright style that’s really popular on this particular thread. But both are fun. :D
AJ#118 & #119- ROTFLOL!! You are The King! You are A God! You are the Mightiest of Mighties!
You know, I think I have the cast for any future filmed K/S fiction. They seem to have the right look. Guess who is Kirk and who is Spock.
(Potentially NSFW)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhjNNI4rs4s
2030 hours in the main rec room — you know, the really big one in TMP that’s only a little ruined by the crappy 70’s decor. Most of the crew are dressed up as their favorite aliens or fictional characters.
McCoy: Nyota, great idea for a party! Love the mint julip. Except for this itchy wig, I’m having a blast.
Uhura: Well, you’re Mark Twain. You have to look the part. You already have the ageless wit and irrascability.
McCoy: I’m not THAT old, and if you go around dressed like Elaan of Troyus all the time, I’m gonna hafta show you what my little blue pills do.
Kirk-Spock: Hi guys. Great party, Nyota. Painting Chekov and Sulu gold and having ‘em be those little midgets from the Babel mission was pure genius.
Uhura: Thank you, sirs. Um — I’m not really sure what you’re supposed to be…
Spock-Kirk: Self-explanatory. We’re the man with two heads, Lieutenant.
McCoy: Sure. Um — shouldn’t one of you look like Rosey Grier?
Kirk-Spock: Bones. Truth is, Spockie and I were — um — busy earlier. We chose this costume out of necessity. Someone swapped the KY with Crazy Glue! We could use a little help.
Scotty: (In the corner, dressed as MacBeth and clutching a Rob Roy) heheehehe. What’s green and red all over? Ye lad’s’ll soon ken tha’ one. heheeheeehheehheee.
#129 :: You know, I’m actually quite pleased to see that Jim Carrey’s expanding his horizons. :D I doubt it’ll have the social impacts of “Milk” and “Brokeback Mountain” (the former is one of my FAVOURITE movies) but it still looks good. It’s Jim Carrey. There’s an 80% chance it’s going to be amazing.
#131
60% of people say that everyone will be seeing it. Wait a sec…
Upon further inspection, that doesn’t make any sense.
That film looks quite funny!
Um… Just a question to pose:
Has anyone notice that there hasn’t been a “Trek for Kids” article written in several months? Not since August of last year, anyways. Because that just occurred to me. TM’s young writer must be the only one for that section!
Oh, by the way. I just saw “9″. It was beautiful. But then again, I adore Tim Burton immensely. :D
THX#129- You are a King! You are a God! You are the Mightiest of Mighties!
CmdrR#130- Not bad, not bad at all – especially liked the part about someone switching the KY with Superglue…
Alright guys: Off with the PC and on to JFK.
See y’all from the other side
Kirk: “The other side of what?”
AJ: (Whirls around in surprise)…”Who the hell are you?”
Kirk: I am Captain James T. Kirk, and this is my First Officer, Mr. Spock.”
Spock: “Hi.”
Kirk: “And he is going to take me in my posterior right here in your living room, aren’t you, Spock?”
Spock: “Affirmative.”
Kirk: “You don’t mind if AJ watches, do you?”
Spock: “Negative.”
Kirk: “Maestro?”
Sickly sweet slow funk begins playing as the two Starfleet officers undress and explore the inner depth and outer length of their smoldering manly passions.
AJ: “Well, there’s something you don’t see every day.”
Marco (AJ’s brother and erstwhile housemate): “I think you gotta move out, dude. This is some sick shit. And I actually liked Star Trek. Spock just got something all over the couch! What the hell is that stuff?”
AJ: “Sorry, Marco. I have to leave. Just ignore them, and they’ll leave!”
See ya,
AJ
I’ve heard of a cockatoo, but never Vulcan goo!
Yeoman Rand enters Kirk’s quarters to deliver his meal. As she places the tray down on the table she notices a stain on the floor…
Rand: “Is that Mountain Dew?”
Kirk: “Nah, it’s Vulcan goo!”
FIN
Goo, oh Goo, like Mountain Dew
So sweet and new, oh Vulcan Goo.
What the–? Why is this thread so sticky all of a sudden??
oh, come now!
I think that’s how it happened.
Something on the sperm of the moment, Harry?
Darnit, I told you guys that glue is not an adequate substitute for a condom! Now look what you’ve done to the place!
Hickory dickory doo
The Vulcan went and blew
Kirk did smile
And all the while
Spock cleaned up the goo!
Oh come on guys! Err, actually don’t! LOL!
Harry – good one!
God, this is great.
Goo-Hoo.
12 minutes left. Scotty is intently aiming his hand phaser at the bulkhead. A dazzling beam of collated energy may or may not be visible, depending on whether this is the remastered episode.
Spock: Message from the Captain: You must move faster, Engineer Scott.
Scotty: Mister Spock, even if we were under full scale attack, I couldna move any faster. Not and maintain a safety factor.
Spock: My calculations show you will take one-point-four minutes longer than we have left. You cannot afford a safety factor.
Scotty: OK, OK, Mister Spock. I dinna know why you want this hole in the bulkhead anyway. There’s a perfectly good door adjoining your cabin to the captain’s. But, (the metal slug falls from the freshly cut hole) there she is. Cut to your exact specifications, Mister Spock.
Spock: Excellent. Now you may leave, Engineer. It’s The Naked Time! I can’t hold back any longer.
Scotty: Whuh? (As Spock hustles him out the door.) Just give it a few minutes to cool — (The door to Spock’s cabin whooshes shut) Or else that hole will be your –
Spock: (from behind the closed cabin door) Yeeeeooooooowww!!
Scotty: — Omega Glory Hole.
Kirk: (from behind the next cabin door which is also closed) Mmmmm. Toasted green weenie… and marshmellons!
Good Morning
My estranged colleagues! What have i missed?….worth repeating that is?
#150
If you read the previous 10 to 12 posts you should get the jizz of it.
151
Heh heh heh…
you sed “jizz”
Meanwhile watch where you point that thing….
149: Disgustipating. Which is high praise indeed….
Isn’t jizz the kind of music THX plays? He always has a big horn in his mouth.
‘Nella, I live to disgustipate you, m’darlin’.
What do you get when you put Elmer’s Goo in a can?
Cheese Jizz!
That’s Fudd Goo to you!
#154
It’s true to some extent. I am a Jizz Artists. Lot’s of women have told me so. I just say “From your lips to…..um….well, your ears.”
But it has nothing to do with my horn.
Quit blowing your own horn, THX.
Will do.
You blow it for me.
( I kidz cuz I luvz) (all o’er the place)
I wouldn’t blow your horn with Harry’s mouth.
(I alzo kidz.)
Understood.
Soo…….
Here are the shots of the Constitution Class Cutaway.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=629119&l=d20ede3bac&id=1667166525
Nice work, Mr. THX. Now can you build me a real one?
Working on it, CmdrR. I can’t seem to get the mirrors to stick on the ceiling and the thick shag carpet up all of the walls as per your instructions. I’ll keep at it.
BTW, you can see all of the ships in my gallery on my FB page.
THX:
I think you’ll find enough goo around CmdrR’s quarters to stick that mirror up there, and if it falls, well it serves him right.
Your ship gallery continues to impress me. An X-wing from memory? Sheesh.
Though I used to sketch Enterprises in all my textbooks in grade school along with pics of Gene Simmons. They were all pretty accurate…
Shag rugs, including the walls. Check.
Mirrored ceilings. Check.
What about ‘Kiss’ 8-Tracks and a hot babe on an air mattress?
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
Data’s quarters.
Data’s head bobs rhythmically over Geordi’s crotch as he lays back in the chair, his one-piece uni down around his ankles.
Data (looking up): “Is this not a sufficient reading?”
Geordi (breathing heavily): No, Data…Keep probing…the…the nano sensors in your positronic taste…..buds will..will…”
Data (looking up): “Will what, Geordi?”
Geordi: “I’ll tell you in a minute, Data! Keep f*cking probing…Oh, yeah!”
Data says nothing as he continues to bob his head over Geordie’s mid-section. Geordi writhes under his ministrations for several more seconds until…
Geordi: “Oh my my friggin’ God! Holy crap! Yessss!”
Data: “Ah! Human semen! Dr. Soong used to do the same thing to me, except he would simply bring my head to his quarters before bedtime. Your fructose levels are 5.3% below the statistical norm, Geordi. You should be eating more fruit.”
Geordi (zips up): “Thanks, Data. I’ll keep it in mind…Captain?”
Picard: “Thank you, Mr. LaForge. That will be all. (LaForge leaves). Now, Mr. Data..I’m not like all the other girls…”
Data: ‘Girls,” sir?
Picard: “I want you to be oh, so very gentle…KISS me! Oh…Oh so gently on my lips!”
SICKBAY
Dr. Crusher: If Data is blowing the crew, and I’m here fisting Deanna, it must mean AJ is writing the story.”
Troi: “Bev…you’re not ‘fisting’ me. What does that mean, anyway? Oooh, these oils smell divine…where did you get them?”
Dr. Crusher: “TJ Maxx. Now lean over for that colonic, sweetheart…”
FIN
(runs and hides)
So… does that mean that Lore bites down?
#166
Awesome.
166
Ah, AJ, my old friend, where do I start?
Picard wanting to be kissed on the lips by Data after what he just finished doing with LaForge???
WRETCHHH!!!!!!
You missed your calling….you should be writing children’s books!
#169 :: If he had, I probably would be the most scarred child ever by now.
No offense, AJ. L.Y.L.A… Brother, or whatever, even though you’re probably old enough to be my uncle.
170: Christine
AJ, THX, Harry, CmdrR, and myself are in fact old enough to be considered your…somewhat, shall we say, eccentric uncles…
#171
I’m glad that you didn’t say we’re nuts.
I love how sick we all are here in 69 Forward. Nothing in Star Trek is safe from our ruminations…
173:
…or anything else, for that matter.
Just poppin’ in fur’ a tic ta’day…
I see we have some good vignettes and poems a’goin’… Gandolff’s withered staff… Richard Simmons kissin’ Kirk (or wuz’ that elsewhere?)
Here’s a real bad one…
FREUD TREK
MR. ROARKE: Hello, my distinguished guests, and welcome to Fantasy Island! Here we will evaluate your inner most desires using pop psychiatry and a large measure of margarrrrritas. Come please, all of you, tell me your fantasies!
LaFORGE: My fantasy is to have a meaningful relationship with a woman.
MR. ROARKE: That difficulty stems from issues with your mother. Was she not caught in some sort of deadly tachyon beam?
LaFORGE: (crying) Maybe… maybe I’m just gay…
SPOCK: Allow me to apply the Vulcan neck rub, Mr. LaFourplay.
LaFORGE: That’s not my neck…
DATA: My fantasy is to remember shuttlecrafts have transporters on them so I do not jump to my death in “Nemesis.”
MR. ROARKE: You blew yourself up. I sympathize, truly, for I too know about exploding for a capitan. It is of your duty.
LaFORGE: (still crying) He said “doody.”
DATA: I am programmed to fully explode in a variety of manners. Should I do so on this captain now?
KIRK: That’s quite alright, no. Oh you, Mr. White Suit, you know what my fantasy is.
MR. ROARKE: To be stabbed repeatedly by an enraged Mexican?
KIRK: Khan… old friend… we’re not that close.
MR. ROARKE: Oh, Kirk… there is no escape.
KIRK: My fantasy is to…
ARCHER: How come I don’t have sex? I’ve seen it in picture books.
MR. ROARKE: You do not have sex because you are not written well. Move along now please.
WEE GREEN GUY: My fantasy is to torment Scotsmen more.
TATTOO (Mr. Roarke’s dwarf assistant): Gee, boss, that fellow is shorter than me. I can belittle him!
MR. ROARKE: We sometimes sublimate our own fear of other cultures by belittling them. Buy a kilt or just shoot a Genesis device at thier homeworld.
7 OF 9: My fantasy is that I wish that sci-fi fans would stop objectifying me in a sexual manner.
MR. ROARKE: Perhaps you never saw the original series? You could, however, return to your black plastic tubes and jaundice appearance.
M5: Oh, yeah! M5 likee that!
7 OF 9: It never ends… Look, is this all you really want? (drops clothes, rubs chest, places a nano-probe device into an orifice)
MR. ROARKE: Now that is good tv!
KIRK: Wow- this really is Fantestical Island! My dear, could you put on some pointy ears while you do that?
7 OF 9: Dear Crom, you are all actually enjoying this?
T’POW: Honey- why do you think we were hired?
7 OF 9: Because we are competent actresses able to take on such complex, cold, emotionless roles.
KIRK: Ha- HA ha ha. (T’POW punches him in garter belt, knocks him down)
T’POW: You can stop inserting that probe now.
7 OF 9: Oh, I did not realize I was still doing that. Would you like to try?
KIRK: (clutching gut in pain) Can I…. gasp!… lick it clean first? Your ear canal is a dirty, dirty place…
BND: Psycho-analysis be so boring! What’s on tha’ other channel? Look- an eppy-sode o’ Mork porks Mindy wherein tha’ father wears Kirk’s spacesuit…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Ear Canal? Err, ok, sure. Funny nickname for it!
Is that because the drunk Limey looks down at the girl’s naked body and says, “what hav’ we, ‘ere?”
I figured the statue that falls on the fleeing Vulcan in ST09 was… wait for it… ‘T’POW!’
Funny, and here I thought it was STON…..or is that STONE?
Maybe it was a statue of the great Vulcan comic, Splatt.
BND: What have we ‘ear?
ARCHER: Oh, your upper pylons are so big now!
7 OF 9: I have arrived at an aroused state. It is natural that my biological aspects have become engourged. Please continue.
ARCHER: Ohhhhhhhh… I think I’ve just wet myself.
7 OF 9: We have only just begun. Please continue. My nano-probes will clear up your mess.
ARCHER: Ohhhhhhhhhh… My dingy dong kind of hurts. All that smacking at it.
7 OF 9: It is a good hurt. Please continue. I will turn myself over if my rearview pleases to inspire you for the shape. We must be careful.
ARCHER: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh… I’m almost done! Ohhhhhh… that’s it!!!
7 OF 9: Well, captain, we have made a very poor little clay jug. I suggest that next time you allow me to sit on the wheel while you spin it. Unlike you, I do not have a dingy dong. Though my nano-probes could grow one…
ARCHER: Oh, I don’t know… I kinda’ liked it. And this little jug we made would make a great spittoon…
BND: This be tha’ worst pottery class ever! But I’ll take tha’ spitt’oon, thanke’ kindly. And tha’ blonde… Me dingy-dong hurts so much it needs ta’ be…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
169: “You missed your calling….you should be writing children’s books!”
STAR TREK & the Golden Fairy
Kirk’s Quarters 0230
Kirk: “Oh GOD! Keep pounding, you Bitch!”
Spock: “Who is the Bitch?”
Kirk: “You are! Ohh!”
Spock: “I can’t hear you!”
Kirk: “You…ARE!”
Spock: “And who am I?” Spock slaps Kirk’s ass hard (SLAPP!)
Kirk: (through tensed lips) “The Golden Fairy!”
Spock (slaps again): “Who?”
Kirk: “The Golden…FAIRY!”
Spock tenses for a few moments, and then pushes Kirk’s limp body aside. “Please do not forget it.”
FIN
Well, children! That was our story for today!
Y’know, when a man and a woman have fun with a little pot involved, usually it’s a little steamier than THAT!
Pot tends ta’ dull tha’ senses. ‘Specially when it’s thrown at you from a 3 story window.
I once met me a golden fairy… didda’ not get ta’ meet Mr. Wonka, though. That golden fairy really wanted me ta’, though.
7 OF 9: Mr. Dude, why are you out of your restraints? This will require more punishment.
BND: Awwwwwwwwk! Me Dommie-Matrix Zero beckons! Mayhaps we needs more AJ ta’day… Or some assssspirin… Look, blondey borg, CmdrR lives just a few states below us…
7 OF 9: I intend to take you all out. CmdrR will wait his turn.
BND: Not tha’ rubber wire again! Me engines canna’ take that!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Will one of you go over to the Shatner/Stern thread and tear some guy named MacTrek a new one?
7 of 9, I’m waiting. All ready to give ya a spin on the wheel. I even have my own probe… and where Jeri Ryan’s concerned, there’s nothing nano about it.
184 – Done.
CmdrR
I appreciate the help, but I’m not sure that knuckle-dragger will know you were addressing him. He is THAT thick!
As the Cobb County (Georgia) school board proved to the world: Evolution, it’s not for everyone.
Speaking of all the Seven of Nine talk…
Any of you guys who aren’t watching “Leverage” on TNT are missing out! The show’s got a great cast, great writing, great everything.. And the addition of Jeri Ryan has made it even more awesome. She is absolutely fantastic in it (she’s been in two episodes, consecutively, so far) and I have a feeling she’ll be on for quite a while. Check it out, guys! It’s great!
Sorry, CmdrR, I didn’t see your first post until now. Thanks!
190 — Harry, Anthony added his two quatloos. And of course, Anthony’s quatloos are worth a starship-load more than yours or mine.
(and then Anthony retracted his message. hmm. It was a good one, though.)
total change of subject…
BOOBIES!
#194 :: I read in a magazine once that men like them.
A lot.
Pretty much all of them, as long as they’re attached to a female body.
Tell me, does Seventeen magazine tell me the truth?
Or are they full of it and just doing a dishonour by attempting to boost the low esteems of young women all across America?
Let’s just say men, in general, are hardwired to LOVE boobies. No need to question it or try to understand it…just accept it as a truth about life. I’m sure some women are attracted to things about men that they wouldn’t even attempt to explain.
C’est la vie!
195 –
The only thing I would add to the esteemed Seventeen magazine… is that it really doesn’t matter the size. Nice boobies. Nice smile. The lady has primal power over us poor stupid males. I’m not sure whether there’s a great Star Trek episode in all of that… or whether EVERY Star Trek episode is based on that.
197:
“..The lady has primal power over us poor stupid males. I’m not sure whether there’s a great Star Trek episode in all of that… …”
The only one that comes to mind is the ENT ep in which the Orion “Slave” women prove to be the ones with the real authority due to their pheromonal control over the males. I thought that was an interesting spin on the Orion Syndicate .
197: Further
It’s really a strange phenomenon. Two guys can see two women standing together. They could both be equally beautiful, and yet the one on the left makes one guy drool, while the one on the right does nothing for him. His buddy, meanwhile, experiences the opposite reaction.
I wonder if two women would have the same reaction with two equally good-looking men?
Things that make you go “Hmmmmm..?”
#195
It’s true what Harry says; Men are hardwired to be attracted to boobies (and other strategic areas of the female anatomy). It’s a simple matter of species survival. However, it’s the actual woman that makes the boobies attractive and not the other way around. Size or shape therefore is irrelevant…
OK, since we’re boldly going down this road….
I like what God gave the gals. I am absolutely turned off by much of anything beyond wardrobe and makeup. No implants, please. No duck lips. No botox. No. No. No.
200:
Welcome back, stranger!
I agree that the woman makes the boobage, not the reverse. A woman can have one hella big set, but be otherwise plain and unattractive, because her big chest doesn’t do anything to improve her overall looks.
If, on the other hand, a beautiful, well-endowed woman knows how to show off those endowments to their fullest potential, however, then, hell, we po’, simple men-type folks gots no chance.
201:
I completely concur. I love a well-put-together woman, as long as clothes, makeup, accessorizing, etc, isn’t taken to bizarre extremes. I mildly disagree on implants, though. If done properly by a skilled surgeon, then they can enhance (literally and aesthetically) what a woman already has, and that’s fine. It’s when these p*rnstar wannabes make themselves look like pencils with pingpong balls glued on that it goes to an extreme I don’t like.
DR. PHLOX: This man is intoxicated.
BND: I’m… I’m notta’ as real as ye’ drunk I am…. hic…
T’POW: This means that he cannot perform on our date. Boy, that stinks.
DR. PHLOX: My medical chamber can create some stirring vibrations.
T’POW: Hmmmmmm… Let us give it a spin.
elsewhere
TRIP: Hey, Mr. Dude… you don’t look so well…
BND: I’m goin’ ta’ get drunk… uhhhhh… probably pass out and pissss on tha’ bed… It’ll be aboot’ 8 hours… see ye’ then…
TRIP: Man, he’s like part of the crowd at NASCAR. I gotta’ help poor BND… Or touch his EDITED when he’s passed out. (looks upwards) Oh, great sage! What should I do?
DALE EARNHARDT SR: Crash into him!
TRIP: Uhhhh… I did that once with the ship and this Klingon vessel. Cap’n was kinda’ mad… You got any other advice?
elsewhere
ARCHER: The ship is inverting itself! Like something is sucking us all in! What could the problem be? Golly- my pants just shot off!
HOSHI: Well, well, well… With that package, why don’t they write some sex scenes with Arrrrrrrrcher? And maybe me…
ARCHER: Wait ’til season four, Hoshi! Bring a self-help book along for me. And, by the way, I keep these cucumbers in my undies to prevent dry skin down there.
HOSHI: Uhhhhhhhh… well, anyway… something is still sucking all our stuff into the ship… Oh, no! My Chapstick!!!! What could this force be?
T’POW: It is my boobies. Thier gravitational field will envelope the ship. All will come to me… and for me.
NAVIGATOR GUY WHO NEVER GETS MANY SCENES: The lady has primal power over us poor stupid males.
CMDRR: Hey, don’t you see that those unnatural implants are nothing but an illusion! They lure us in unwittingly, but they have no real power unless you give them power.
T’POW: Stop touching them.
CMDRR: Sorry… Come on, guys- we want real boobies! Not fake ones that suck in all our stuff!
KIRK: Sounds like my ex-wife.
BND: Ooooohhhhh… I feel so sick from all thata’ gin… BLARRRRRRRRRRG!
TRIP: (running behind BND, undressed) Hey, pal! I don’t just luv ‘em and leave ‘em! Oh, hi, T’Pow.
T’POW: So, how did your date go with BND?
TRIP: Oh, honey, I just went out with him to make y’all jealous since you went out with him.
T’POW: Our date consisted of Dr. Phlox cleaning up his medical chamber. BND was too intoxicated to touch my coochie.
BND: Blarrrrrrrrrg!
TRIP: Why don’t you just shut off your gravity pullin’ boobies and we can make this work between us? Killin’ all the crew just isn’t the way to go, molassas-ears.
T’POW: I suppose it is not logical to allow my boobies to vortex in the entire ship and crew. Very well. I will put my shirt back on. CmdrR, please take your hands away from my…
CMDRR: Oh, uh… sorry… think I touched the wrong knob there…
T’POW: Oh, my…
TRIP: Look out y’all! She’s gunna’ blow!
ARCHER: I wonder if I brought enough Alpo along for Porthos? Oh, what the heck is that flashing red light?
ENTERPRIZE: Ka-BOOOOOOOM.
BND: Blarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg!
HARRY BALLZ: Dear God, season two of this show really sucked! But, I do admit, that it ain’t no EDITED to see T’Pow’s EDITED.
T’POW: Stop touching them.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Harumph. I resemble those remarks.
Of course you do.
The Enterprize went Ka-BOOOOOOOM?? I thought it was going to be T’POW!
Nice work!
203:
Nice to see you back in fine fettle, old friend…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, indeed…
That MacTrek moron is back at the Shatner/ Stern thread stirring up trouble again. Can some of you come over and help paste him to the wall?
CmdrR+THX
thanks for helping out on the Shatner/ Stern thread! I find that after a few of us point out that the guy is wrong, TPTB step in and tell him too!
The current poll — about the TREK online beta — needs another answer:
_ waiting for a Mac version
Is it true that no one has posted since yesterday? Or am I in some alternate timeline where Trek chat no longer exists?
Here’s tha’ “Worst Post E’er!”
Fur’ Spockanella…
KIRK: Spock- scan this sector… FOR… some hot chics.
THX: Right away, sir.
KIRK: WHY… you’re not Spock… you… ARE THX!
THX: Yeah, well, BND has us in this silly story. Anyway, I’m scanning the chat room. It’s a real sausage fest there.
KIRK: My God, Uhuru… OPEN… wailing frequencies.
AJ: Right away, sir.
KIRK: Dear God, AJ! Get out of that dress.
AJ: You say that a lot.
KIRK: Sulu- has the crew gone… MAD?
BND: I dunna’ why I wanna’ see ye’ pantsless… but I does.
KIRK: Sulu! You’re BND! How could this be? Yoe-woman Rand- bring me my brandy! I need to… TAKE… this all in.
HARRY BALLZ: Here you go.
KIRK: My God! Rand! You’re Canadian!
HARRY BALLZ: So are you, fatso.
There once was a fellow named Kirk
Who thought all his crew was berserk
He whipped out his dude
And touched it so rude
That it started to go all a’spirk
KIRK: Mr. Chekov… get us out of here. We are in… SOME… sort of alternative reality…
HARLAN ELLISON: Right away, keptin! Oh, Uhuru- call my lawyer. I need to sue BND. This post is just so shiEDITEDy on the edge of forever.
AJ: You know, this mini-dress isn’t that bad. It’s these nylons that I can’t stand.
KIRK: Someone… BEAM BND… away from here…
‘BEACH: Sir, me engines canna’ take it!
KIRK: Scotty… uhhhhhh… ‘Beach… quit pumping that octopuss.
‘BEACH: But, sir, it’s tentacles are so bonny!
KIRK: Those aren’t tenctacles.
‘BEACH: Harlan- who’s your lawyer? I’m suing BND for this EDITED as well.
BND: Here’s what I looks like all pantsless, lads!
AJ: That’s it. BND- you’re banned!!!!!! Anthony- get rid of this guy!
HARRY BALLZ: And he owes me for a new hot tub. I don’t know what that pink stuff was, but it won’t come off! But… I may keep this blonde beehive… just, you know, for fun.
There once was a yoeman named Rand
Whose bosom was, oh, so grand
She tickled TOS Kirk
And made him go jerk…
BND: And he gave us all a raise o’ ninety grand? Or was it that BND was banned? Arrrrrrrrrrrr? Hey- who’z this guy here next ta’ Burrrr-man?… He tastes kinda’ funny…
KIRK: BND! Quit trying to eat the writer!
MANNY COTO: I’m Manny Coto! Not manicotti!
BND: Sorry thar’… ye’ seem full o’ cheese, though.
DENISE: I think our poor BND needs to see a doctor…
AJ: Captain! I found some hot chics in the chat room! Denise! Wait… there’s another one…
SPOCKANELLA: I’m… going to look at some lolcats now. Bye, all.
KIRK: Don’t… GO! I need some sanity here. Someone post something… groovy.
SPOCKANELLA: You know, if it’s just us, I could put on a beehive if you like, Captain Quirk. Purrrrrrrrr…
TRIP: You stay away from my chic, Kirky-boy!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Ye’ know… I write these things too fast…
Poor Denise had no good lines…
And ‘Beach is suin’ me… Harlan Ellison’s docu-film “Dreams With Sharrrrp Teeth” wuz’ bonny but he’s suin’ me too…
And a “tentacle” is something I have first thing on the mornin’ as me sheet rises.
Good thing CmdrR dunna’ know I’m livin’ in his car…
Harry can punch me first. But I getta’ tha’ wig.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I shoulda known.
I call that $8.75 on little pine trees a total waste.
BND
when I read the first limerick you had coming from me, I truly laughed out loud for at least thirty seconds! THANK YOU! What a nice capper to a rough week!
p.s. I know these things take time to compose, but you should have a recurring series of them starring our Chat crowd. Truly entertaining!
Saturday! Woo-hoo!
Actually, I have no plans but am hoping the day will be a woo or a hoo.
I’m going to a basketball game tonight. :D In fact, I’m there for pep band. Woo-hoo!
Okay, I gotta ask you guys something: Am I the only person who didn’t absolutely love “District 9″? Because 90% of the people on TM seem to think it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread (and Star Trek, of course). The script made me cringe; the dialogue, anyways. And, you know… In a movie, the dialogue is kinda important.
So, those of you who saw it, what do you rank it as? Instant sci-fi classic or something else?
I really liked District 9. AdmrR repeatedly has said that the story just ’stops;’ she wants the sequel to be where the Prawn return and fix things. It’s definitely not a Hollywood movie, which is one reason I liked it. SSDD, watch V on ABC. But for my money this one made me think just a little bit.
But, I fully understand why the dialogue would set you back. It’s meant, I think, to keep you from being ‘comfortable.’
212: I give it a 10 out of 10. It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it!
#218 :: Yeah, I suppose… But I didn’t feel sympathetic towards really any character except maybe a couple of the aliens. I didn’t feel what they felt; couldn’t put myself in the situation. All I could think about was slapping ‘De Merwe across the face.
I must say, though, the ending was okay. The flower scene was cute. I think it could be improved with a sequel, but I’m not holding my breath for one.
“All I could think about was slapping ‘De Merwe.”
That was the point. And maybe that was why it leaves some viewers cold. One reviewer points out that in South Africa, Wikus or van de Merwe is the name of an idiot in a series of jokes. “He’s so dumb…” I didn’t have any sympathy for him at all until he began to change.
Anyway, as always the important thing is to keep finding good sci-fi… we don’t have to agree on which ones are best… just enjoy.
#222 :: Wow.. What a weird way to make a movie. How ’bout that?
Yeah, I guess it just bugs me to see that there are all these really fabulous movies out there, but no one sees them, and so they never get any recognition. Quality, classic filmmaking — shoved under the rug.
Well, just spent the last couple of hours with Orci answering our different questions over on the Time Travel thread….nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon!
Alvin and the Chipmunks — The Squeakquel.
What more do you need, Christine?
Hope you set him straight, Harold.
That really wasn’t necessary, CmdrR. Apparently he already likes women!
#223 :: Bob Orci is so cool. I don’t know ANY other writers that regularly go onto fansites and literally chat with the fans that frequent them. :D
Unfortunately I had to leave — the Lancers’ Hockey game was calling. And they lost. Pfffffffff.
#224 :: Ugh, you have GOT to be kidding me.
The first movie ruined my childhood memories of watching Alvin and the Chipmunks on Cartoon Network. I’m not going to put myself through the torture that is sure to be in the… and I cringe… “squeakquel”.
Good lord.. Get me back my X-Files, pronto!!
227:
…”Good lord.. Get me back my X-Files, pronto!!”…
Actually, I think Fringe is a lot like what X-Files could have or should have been, sans the whole alien conspiracy bullsh*t, and just concentrated on the oddity-of the-week stories (the-guy-who-could-contort-himself-into-small-spaces, the guy-who-could-walk-through-anything-but-glass) I confess I was a lot more Scully than Mulder about the whole alien thing on that show. Though I admit Ms. Anderson looked better in the heels.
http://graphjam.com/2010/01/14/funny-graphs-black-holes/
#228 :: I love X-Files and Fringe equally — and for different reasons. I’d like to see the latter do some more focus or tie-in on the whole parallel universe dealio (gimmee more Observers, more freaky shapeshifter people, more William Bell (haha)) but it’s really good. As for X-FIles, I have just started on season six and I’m not looking forward to the seasons where Mulder is replaced (or whatever, NO SPOILERS PLZ) but I’ll watch it all the way through.
“…the-guy-who-could-contort-himself-into-small-spaces..”
Hey, I love Tooms. I saw him (the actor, anyways) on 24 last night. Me, my mom, and my dad were making liver-eating jokes all night — and all today, LOL.
And don’t tell me the Smoking Man wasn’t way cool. I loooove the mystery behind him.. mwahahaha.
Hmmmmm… I used ta’ be better at these webbypages… even edited oot’ all tha’ naughty words and it won’t come on up here…
http://sites.google.com/site/icannapost/istillcannapost
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
230: Christine
Excuse my poor choice of language. I forget sometimes that you are young. I should have said “BS” and not…well, what I said.
Tooms, yes, I had forgotten his name. He was eery because he never felt like what he was doing was wrong. Best villains are like that.
CSM , too, for the same reason. He had a deeper, darker sadism to him sometimes that made him cool. Especially when it came to Mulder and Scully…
231
BND, I appreciate your candour in admitting trouble in getting it up………….the web page, that is…:>)
You’re in rare form, BND.
Well done.
#232 :: No, don’t worry about it. I attend a high school. I absolutely refuse myself to swear, but y’know, everyone’s got their own language. It doesn’t bother me.
Tooms was such a creeper. Just his eyes.. and his face… Not even the liver-eating part was as freaky as looking into his eyes.. xD He even rivaled the Flukeman in sheer freakiness!
#231 :: Hahaha bravo!!! Bravo!! You know I loved the MxS bit at the end. :D So true that they didn’t kiss until the movie (oh snap!). But that was actually okay, ’cause everyone knew they were destined for each other anyways.
-insert cheesy love song a la “We Belong Together” or “Love Story” or “You Belong With Me” here-
(Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood work well.)
BND
I still think your funniest line EVER was the one recently at post #175 where you had LaForge (still crying) say, “He said ‘doody’” about Roarke’s remark…
THAT WAS FRIGGIN’ HILARIOUS!!!!!
I don’t know if anyone else caught that, but it was sheer brilliance!
(clap, clap, clap!)
Thanke’, Harry!
Send me some money. I could use some’a more loonies.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Oh, I think we have enough loonies here, don’t you?
Good story, BND. At least this time I wasn’t getting hit on by Trip.
Q:what did the drug-addled hippie chick say after having sex with Trip?
A: “what a trip, man!”
Hoshi: I thought it was a nickname. You know — because he’s Charles Tucker ‘the third.’
T’Pol: Negative, Ensign. The appellation is literal as well as scatological.
THX: Tr– Tr— TRIP! Man, go easy. I’ll never be able to explain to the wife why I can’t walk straight.
Trip: You three hush up, or I’ll replace you with Alvin and the Chipmunks.
For shame.
They have tried to rob me of my dignity but I foil them at every turn. I have no dignity to begin with.
242:
You’re one of us, THX. Dignity has nothing to do with it…
Thanke’s THX… and now so as ye’ arrrrrr sure I am a silly prat…
Here’s tha’ worst thing I have e’er written… I woulda’ not bother readin’ it… It do have Trip in it… what a trip indeed…
SAUCED TREK
PICARD: Music may be the food of love… but my wine helps provoke love… (hic)…
RIKER: Oh, captain… my (hic) captain… I am totally wasted… Look how big my hands are.
PICARD: Indeed. Perhaps you would… would… like to put them to some sood goose… Oh, I just said (hic) “sood goose!” I meant “good use.” Good use on a goose. (pinches Riker’s bom)
RIKER: I’m… I’m (hic) callin’ Diana up… Deanna… whatever… computer, locate Diana Twat… tell her it’s a ship emergency… photon torpedo firing up… (hic)
COMPUTER: Alright, dear. (Screaming on all com channels) Hey Troi, Riker wants you, honey! Come to the command center place!
RIKER: I (hic) could have done that myself…
DATA: (nude) This grape derived liquid has made me feel all tingly. (holds up foot to face, looking down) Is it normal for my prominent toe to become so engourged?
PICARD: My God, Mr. Data… that’s not your toe… and… you’re… you’re out of unitard… uniform… You’re as white as a Frenchman… lousy froggers.. (hic)
DATA: But you, sir, are French.
PICARD: I’m English, you bloody twit. Look… Look… we gotta’ get Data some sun. He’s bleached and (hic) all weird looking. Don’t we have a dirtyologist… I mean dermatoligist onboard?
RIKER: Yeah… I want my my nipples checked out. (removes shirt) This one… see… this one (hic) is bigger than the other one… well, until I rub it…
PICARD: Well, these ARE the voyages… Look, look, Riker… Number One… honeybun… let’s steer the ship into that star for Data to get a tan… first star to the right… and onward (hic) ’til morning… You can take the con. (drops pants)
RIKER: Are you… are you coming on to me? I think you’re coming onto me. (hic)
PICARD: Nummy One… you’re as pissed as a newt! You’re in no condition to touch your nipple by yourself… Here… let me…
TROI: (gasping from running) My God, Will! What is the matter?
RIKER: You know… she… she should speak in her English accent… the way she talks on this show… like her luscious lips are all in the way… all sorta wet… she talks wet…
TROI: You’re drunk! What you’re saying is not even coming out right.
RIKER: That’s what she said… no, wait… that’s what he said! (points to Picard)
PICARD: (sleeping and dreaming) No, no, no… Mr. Woof… shave that spot for me…
CMDRR: What the hell is all this? Put your shirt back on, Will! You’re a disgrace to the family.
RIKER: Oh EDITED… it’s… it’s my cousin (hic) from At-At-lanta… you know… down south, right Twatty? (winks at Troi) He’s… he’s (hic) a hick…
CMDRR: I’m no such thing. Look, I came to the ship to give you back this thing. (drops BND on bridge) AdmrR still can’t get the stank out of my car, which, by the way, he was living in. (looks around, sees everyone is drunk) Hmmmmm… I’ve always wanted to do this. (takes the helm of the ship)
BND: (waking up) Ooooohhhhh… we goin’ ta’ Rise-Aaaaaah?
CMDRR: Data, put him in the bridge and… Uhhhhhhhh… put some clothes on… nothing worse than a naked android running around. Well, unless it’s that one from “What Little Girls Are Made Of.”
DATA: I’ll… I’ll put some naughty clones on when you… no, I mean “I’ll put some clothes on”… when you… you… (looks at BND) You sure got a pretty mouth…
BND: Awwwwwk! I ain’t no streety-walker lookin’ fur’ tricks!
KLINGON DENISE: (beaming aboard with armed landing party) Puny humans. Tricks are for Klingons. Take the ship!
RIKER: We’re… we’re saved! Oh, good… Pick-hard was about to touch my one large nipple… look at it… I can make it smile at you…
KLINGON DENISE: Can’t handle your bloodwine, can you?
TROI: Shouldn’t we be on red alert with invaders onboard? Riker! Don’t touch that!
CMDRR: Uhhhh, which one? As in me or him or (touching Troi) this one or that one?
(Suddenly, out of warp, Enterprise NX-01 crashes into E-D)
TRIP: (on viewscreen) Oh, crap… (hic)… Cap’n!… We hit a cop! Maintain… maintain, Trippy boy… Hey… why does Denise get all the lad binds… I mean “bad lines?”
BND: Awwwwwwk! That wuz’ awful!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I rarely correct me type-os… but CMDDR should have said
CMDRR: Data, put him in the “brig” and touch my nipples.
No, wait… that ain’t right… He dunna’ sing tha’ body electric…
‘Beach… I made ye’ a cop in one o’ me tales… arrest me…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Ahhh….
I’ve read your tale, BND. Someday I hope to score with a woman. Even in one of your stories.
Ahhhhhhh, THX… dunna’ feel bad… as Riker said in me tale:
“I could have done that myself.”
Well, thar’ arrrrrrr all sortsa’ o’ things ye’ can do by yerself…
Uhhhhhh… let me rephrase that…
(as AJ would say “Runs and hides!”)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….
BND, I SO enjoy your little soirees. May I touch Trip now?
Why not, Spockanella. The way I see it, it’s your turn.
And I kid. Mrs. THX even dresses up for me sometimes:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=89632&l=a870127e0b&id=1667166525
(I’m probably a dead man for posting that.)
#249 :: That your wife? She’s lovely! She has such a pretty smile.
…But, yeah, you probably are a dead man for posting that. ;3
249
Me likey!!
(runs and hides)
#250
Then don’t tell her I posted it.
#251
Why you runnin’ away? I likey too. And I know that there is no way on earth I deserve her.
Someone in the relationship is the “reacher” and someone is the “settler”. Not too hard to figure out which one I am.
252
You’re a lucky man! Your wife is, how should I put this…SCRUMP-DILLY-ISHUS!
Don’t I know it. But I guess if Trip will have me…..
Bravo, BND!
More Klingon Denise!!!
Mrs. THX — Come out from under there. We have dust bunnies from the first Bush administration.
THX — But, I thought you’d be so mad that I posted your Starfleet Mini n’ Boots pic, I’d have to move in with Trip.
Mrs. THX — No worries. I’ve had Trip fixed. I left him with one for T’Pol to play with. I fed another to BND’s cat and kept one for myself for when you’re off on business trips.
Trip — At least this stupid pre-Starfleet jumpsuit doesn’t hurt so bad no more.
CdmrR — AdmrR wants to know if you’ve got any other meat samples you’d like to give out. It seems she has an ancient family recipe. I think I’m gonna need a doctor.
Phlox — I’m so sorry, but as a Denippleyan I need more people in order to have sex. Let me know if Klingon Denise shows up.
“…‘Beach… I made ye’ a cop in one o’ me tales… arrest me…”
Your latest is hysterical. Thanks for the shout-out. I recall being an Engineer in one story above, but must have missed the Cop.
I’d arrest you but I think you’d dig the handcuffs too much.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, indeed…
BND- Do not worry about the quality or quantity of my lines, sweetie. Just have me yell out “Let’s get naked!” and the characterization will be perfect…
Pike pilots a shuttle in low orbit above a lush, green world. In back, Kirk and Spock are suiting up for an orbital dive.
Pine: (Over the intercom) I don’t care what Starfleet Command says, you two are just too green.
Spock: erm.
Pine: Cripes, you know what I mean. No one can command a starship until he has proven he has the reflexes and stamina required. The ONLY other activity that comes close is —
Kirk: Fine with me, Chris. I just hope you’re happy with your new love, Admiral Madea.
Pine: I take my admirals, like I take my coffee… hot and –
Computer: Approaching drop point.
Spock: Leave the lower have of your gear loose. You will not be needing it for long.
Kirk: I just hope Mudd’s Luxurious Love Cream doesn’t freeze at these upper-atmospheric temperatures.
Pine: Cut the talk and jump. Good humping — I mean, hunting, gentlemen.
Kirk and Spock jump from the shuttle, hurtling down face first through the atmosphere at dangerous speed.
Spock: Ready?
Kirk: As I’ll ever be.
Spock: I shall use a ‘buddy chute,’ which I will deploy the moment you reach climax.
Kirk: OK, so I’m the donut on this ride?
Spock: Yes. I shall include a manual overdrive to accomplish your pleasuring.
Kirk: Yeah — that works. (Falling faster now. Some plasmic flashes whip by from the metal on their equipment.) In fact, I think I just got my jollies right there.
Spock: Jim, I am a Vulcan. I have mind-melded with you and will know when you reach peak jollity. Besides, MEN can’t fake it.
Kirk: Well, crap, Spock. What if we go splat??
Spock: A sub-orbital / 6 mile high club dive can take 20 minutes. That should be plenty of time for you to achieve ecstasy.
Kirk: OK. I got it. (Grins)
Spock: Stop thinking about Klingon Denise.
Kirk: Damn mind-meld. THIS IS HARD.
Spock: Not hard enough.
Kirk: Beyotch!
Spock: Jim, simply recall our first time. It was late, after the Science Lab Christmas party.
Kirk: Yes, I remember. Yes, yes, yes, I re— member!!!!!!!!
Spock pops the chute. Meanwhile, on the ground:
McCoy: Dammit, what’s taking them so long up there? And now it’s starting to rain!
en fin
(Folks, that was for Denise’s amusement.)
CmdrR- I am officially amused.
“The Office” Trek
WILLIAM SHATNER (Michael): Well, here we are today. One big happy fleet. And I, I am their leader. Fearless. And daring… and fearless.
THX (Jim): Uhhhh, Michael is a bit… well… Shatty.
WILLIAM SHATNER: Now, now, Jim… He’s my main man! My best sales guy. Sold me some vibrating device that I use on my feet.
THX: Yeah- see what I mean. I can his toe spasm inside his shoe even now.
BND (Dwight): All this paper is makin’ me thirsty! Thirsty! Thirsty, thirsty! But I peed in tha’ water cooler so that’s oot’!
HARRY BALLZ (Creed): Pfffffffffffft!!!! That’s why this water sucks ass! Where’s my envelope opener? I’m going to stab Dwight…
BND: That’s why I always wear me Kevlar tie! Stab away, at hell’s heart!
SPOCKANELLA (Pam): Jim, do you think I should call 911? Or at least take a picture of this?
THX: Take a picture of this! (shows his sax)
CAPTAIN JANE-HER-WAY: That’s enough of this! This show isn’t even funny!
WILLIAM SHATNER: Whothedevil are you, puss-in-boots?
CAPTAIN JANE-HER-WAY: I’m the captain of Voyager and me and my crew are taking over your sets here to do more of our own episodes!
‘BEACH (Chakotay): We’ll make the conference room our bridge. The water cooler can be the warpcore. We can turn the reception desk into my de-briefing room because, captain, I know how much you like de-briefing me.
AJ (Tuvok): Why am I Tuvok? Oh, well- let’s get on with the de-briefing.
DENISE (Denise): He’s no Spock.
AJ: That hurts.
DENISE: I know what else can make you hurt. Let’s get naked! (pulls out a leather whip)
AJ: Ooooooooooo!
CAPTAIN JANE-HER-WAY: Settle down people. OK- here’s the script- I’m lying nude on the science station and I’m blinking “red alert!” with my nipples when suddenly…
AJ: Can I be the donut on this ride? (dunna’ sue me, CmdrR)
THX (7 OF 9): I step in. Wait a second- I thought I was “Jim” from “The Office?” I can’t be a Borg! And I’m not messing with all these tubes.
WILLIAM SHATNER: That’s what she said. Why she left after dinner.
‘BEACH: So I step in! This is going to be fun. Jane-her-way makes little chipmunk noises when you… wait a second- do I have a thing for Kate Mulgrew? Does anybody?
BND: I does! I’ll steppen in!
Oh me darlin’ cold captain named Kate
With ye’ here, I no longer masterEDITED
I’ll clean oot’ yer bridge
Just polish yer’ ridge
And fill ye’ wit’ all o’ me frieght
HARRY BALLZ:
A-Hickory Dickory dock
Janeway does not enbiggen my EDITED
But a Denise does
So I showed her my fuzz
And I was hauled away by the cops…
wait… that wasn’t a good rhyme… here’s a goodie…
There once was a Spock so endowed
Had all the girls swooning with wow
And a girl, much too free
Put her hand on his knee
But it wasn’t his knee she had found
‘BEACH: Janey-way DOES make little chipmunk noises… like Katherine Hepburn and Alvin getting it on…
BND: Worst post ever.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Ohhhhh… why did I post that?
Bad day…
Sorry…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Jim Kirk lusted after his cock
It slid into slots
And into Jim it slid lots
Like a slimy and alien rock.
There once was a captain named Jim
Who f*cked half his crew on a whim
Women and men
Again and again
Now a Vulcan is licking his rim
There once was a crewman named Sulu
Fresh out of Ouagadougou
His swordplay was lame
But he still rose to fame
Now he’s gay with a boatload of mooloo
(runs and hides)
I liked it. I’m getting more lines, at least. And now I know what I’m going to be for Halloween.
THX-1138 of 9.
On review:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the first ever attempted rhyme with “Ouagadougou”.
BND:
“…‘BEACH: … wait a second- do I have a thing for Kate Mulgrew? Does anybody?…”
Doesn’t get any funnier than that!
CmdrR:
“Jollity”?
Funny.
Impressive work!
Even AJ’s, which has a certain ditch-pig quality to it!
Alvin: Last time I hide my nuts… there.
BND- See? The line “Let’s get naked” (and the whip thingy was a nice touch) just sorta’ sets the mood for the whole piece. Good job, matey.
AJ- Your poem made me all hot and bothered…
Christine,
a) Ignore the things old people say in chat rooms.
b) Scrub your eyeballs with Windex.
c) Live long and prosper.
So, I’m gonna try this thing that everyone on Chat seems to be so fond of –
Kirk: You’re doing it all wrong.
Christine: …What? How can I be, I haven’t even start—
Spock: If you hope to be up to the level of the other writers at this institution, you need to be more like them.
Christine: Shut up! Both of you! I’m in charge!
Spock: You’re still not proceeding in the correct fashion.
Kirk: Look at this! Several lines through, and still no sexual connotations.
Spock: Jim is quite right. There need to be more.
Christine: Well, it is my first shot… Okay, if you know how it goes so well, teach me.
AJ: You need to randomly stick in people from Chat into your writing.
BND: It makes it more interesting! Arrrrrrrrr…
Christine: Uh, okay, fine.
Janeway: Also, include characters that have been used in previous, though recent, writings.
Kirk: And give them… strange names.
Janewhale: Yes, like… HEY!
Denise: People need to randomly start stripping down, as well.
(Janeway’s uniform vanishes.)
Janeway: This is not Harass-the-captain-of-the-Voyager Day!
Chakotay: (wolf-whistles)
Janeway: COURT-MARTIALED!!
Christine: I don’t think this is going so well…
Kirk: (staring off at a certain other captain on the bridge) On the contrary…
Christine: Maybe we need more characters…
(Suddenly, every character, every Tribble, every alien that’s ever been in Star Trek appears on the bridge – their clothing somehow mysteriously gone, the bridge mysteriously large enough to fit them all on.)
Q: …Red Alert!
Christine: …And this where I run before I get shot by a phaser! ¡Hasta la vista, peoples!
Naked Tribbles?
Where did we go wrong, Christine!? Your mother, BND, and I are so worried.
Truly we arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I got a couple naked tribbles for ya’ CmdrR. Smooth like hard-boiled eggs, they are.
Nicely done, THX.
Watch out for hungry glommers.
Cyrano Jones (played by BND): Friend, Denise, have you seen my glommaaaaaarrr?
Denise (dressed like Rand): Not yet, big boy. Let’s get naked!
AJ (dressed like Wesley because we haven’t picked on Wesley enough lately): Yessss!
THX (played by Tom Hanks): m’OK.
Everyone strips. A second later…
THX: YeeeeeeeeooooooOOOOOOOOOW!
Cyrano Jones: Awwwk. There it be.
McCoy (as himself in animated form): Well, at least it’s neat.
272: I like it!
#278 :: Thank you, thank you. x3
And just so ya’ll know, that was meant to be somewhat… satirical, since I can’t think of a better word. I’ve been reading the stuff you guys write for a while now, and that’s basically what I see.
Except, ah, more amusing. Hysterically so. Keep it up, Chat. :D
And me? I’ll stick to my regular ol’ prose; share that with you guys.
Christine, nice job on your satirical writing attempt!
We’re not an easy group to “capture”!
Yep, here in Chat capturing this band of crazies is a bit like herding cats,,,
Nice job, though, Christine..
Christine#272- Nice first try – liked the “randomly stripping down” line…
Oh no’s! I got competition wit’ Christine!
I best write somethin’ better…
Lessee… Uhhhhhhh… Duck walks inta’ a bar and Trip wants ta’ tickle his feathers….
No…
Uhhhhhhhhh… THX is Scotty and keeps sayin’ “I like this ship- it’s excitin’!” whilst female crew members tickle each other… or an otter…
No…
Wait- I got it… Kirk fires Scotty when he discovers Scotty has been lovin’ tha’ warpcore too much… di-lithium be all sticky and such…
No… that’s just wrong, boyo…
How about tha’ Enterprize is stuck in the outmost parrrrts o’ tha’ galaxy wit’ no hope ta’ get home fur’ decades at full warrrrrp and somehow Spockanella is tha’ only woman left onboard tha’ ship and…
Uhhhhhhhh… Guess I be stumped. You win, Christine.
Well, anyone got somethin’ ta’ pull out me stump?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Maybe you should switch to ticklin’ wild beavers. That otter do it, BND.
268:
Harry:
What’s a “ditch-pig?”
Is it worse than a “normal-pig?”
Christine: Nice job! Don’t be afraid to throw those stories out here. It’s all in the best spirit of fun.
AJ, a ditch-pig is:
a) a disgusting dirty slut
b) the worst form of white trash
c) a dirty whore from Birch River, Manitoba, Canada
Take your pick!
So, it’s a compliment coming from you, Harry! Got it. Yes, those limericks fit that description. Must check oot Birch River one of these days ;-).
Yes, it was indeed a compliment, old friend! :>)
There once was a ditch-pig named Pat
With a great figure, face and all that
She really liked all the boys
Treating them all like chew-toys
No scruples, she’d have sex with a rat!
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters 0230
Kirk: “Oh, Spock…when was the last time we made love?”
Spock: “Two terran days, thirteen hours, 6 minutes and 18 seconds ago. 17…16…”
Kirk: “Spock? We’ve talked about this…”
Spock: “Sorry, Captain….That is, assuming of course that what we did constitutes ‘making love.’
Kirk: “And what, in your eyes, constitutes ‘making love?’ ”
Spock: “Penetration. Anal. Oral. Nasal.”
Kirk: “So, what we did last night was not ‘making love?’ We spent an hour cleaning up your quarters.”
Spock: “That was…foreplay.”
Kirk: “Not if you spewed.”
Spock: “I will not accept your definition in this case!”
Kirk: “You’re just worried that you can’t brag to your friends that you made it around third base. That’s it, Spock, isn’t it? You’ve gotta get that..that meat-rocket of yours behind some sugar walls before you can even THINK about telling your friends, is that it?”
Spock: “Yes, Jim. My reputation on Vulcan rests in the balance.”
Kirk: “Even though you’re like, 50 years old.”
Spock: “Even though.”
Kirk: “Do me. Do it now, and take no prison-OWW-my God!”
FIN
INT SICKBAY
Kirk sits on a table, bloody bandage over his nose. Spock looks on.
Bones: Jesus, this is the worst case of torn sinus I have ever seen! What the hell have you been sticking up your nose?
Kirk (jerks thumb at Spock): Hib.
Bones: What? The hell you mean, ‘him’?
Kirk: Thad’s his bagwards debbinishun of segs. He’s god no shame about where he stigs that Vulcan cog of his. I’b surprised you don’ hab a huddred more cases lige me, the fugging pervert.
Kirk turns to Spock and SNEEZES violently. Spock is sprayed with blood, tissue, and various, best-left-unmentioned fluids.
Spock: This is…disgusting.
Kirk: Live’s a bitch, Spog. Diggit or fug off.
FIN
(runs and hides)
Re 293:
Oh shid, I cligged the buddon twice!
Duh. Re 292, stoopid!
291
Now, that was fuggin’ fuddy!
Thanks for all the support of my horrid attempt. :D
GOSH I LOVE YOU GUYS.
;__;
#283 :: Noo!!! You will always be (one of) the master writer of comedic.. writings here. All hail BND… 83
#291 :: One of the most clever yet. Great job~!
I wish I could find the old Star Trek comic strips I used to doodle during math classes… and science classes… and band… and…
They were actually kind of entertaining, in a “TOS on Crack Cocaine” sort of way.
Good to know Kirk has a sedz ub hubor aboudid.
On a related note, I had a post of mine not make it to the page today as it contained the F bomb with some of the letters missing. I may now have to adopt “fug” to get my point across.
I have successfully managed to convince my boyfriend that the number 47 occurs more times in nature and society than any other number.
296
Fuggin’ right!
297
Like the time I proved to the lovely math major how 42 could go into 19 three times?
297:
Wow. I was married 12 years, and we never discussed the number 47, unless it had a dollar-sign in front of it.
Marriage is a fine institution, but, then again, so was Alcatraz!
A sure Sign of the Coming Apocalypse:
Hayden Penatierre (or however you fugging spell it) of Heroes colors her hair red and its news?
Spare me!
Thags for da gud rebiews, eberboddy. Though I shudda sed “Vulgan” cog insted ub “Vulcan”. Wudd hab been fuddier.
296:
We should use it. “Fug” and “Fugging” are just inherently funny.
So is “Spog”, if you think about it.
297:
I got it the other way around, Harry. Had an older coworker once who showed me how many times I could put 19 into 40.
Hayden as a redhead????!!!!!
uuuurrrrggghhh.
Oops. Clean-up in post 304.
Thank Gawd It’s Fugging Friday!! :>)
Habby Bawz, you ole cogsugger. Hab a gray weegenn.
Wikipedia: Cog Sugger – A worker in a cog factory who sugs, or secures said cogs to their assigned wheel. These invaluable workers are frequently promoted to the position of producing high quality poles of the smoked variety.
304:
Subboddy ged the mobb and clead id ub ride away.
306:
…”Cogsugger”…heh…heh…thad’s fuddy ride dare. I doan care who you are.
BND’s WOMAN’S GABBYFEST EVENT
a panel discussion on woman’s issues
BELLY’ACHE TORRES: How come I never get any appearances in these disgusting chat room stories? It ruffles my ridges.
STEVIE NICKS: Neither do I. ‘Course I’m in my sixties now so I don’t know how it would go over. Wait- I’m in my SIXTIES! Far out. Cover me with mud and roll around a little.
BND: (in a dress) Come on lasses! Ye’ got tha’ panel here ta’ discuss important-like issues…
OPRAH WINFREY: I paid to have myself removed from numerous BND stories. And I have given a lot of money to the Sailor’s VD Relief Fund. Mainly for myself… I just can’t help pinching BND’s cheeks and, well, he needs to be de-loused.
CAPTAIN JANEWAY: I need AJ to write me getting it on with the Xindi. Hey- bugs have those parts, too. I’d just love the buzz I’d get! And I need that buzz now…
WILLIAM SHATNER: How come I wasn’t in this panel? Damn it… I’M CAPTAIN… Kirk!!!!!!!!
7 OF 9: (nude for no reason other to show up the other ladies) I still have a television career. Really. I am not joking. I am a new show that no one watches!
T’POW: All that vented plasma that Trip likes to pour over my body has dried out my skin. I look as bad as Stevie Nicks now.
BND: (in a dress) Hey- ye’ gals dunna’ talk to each other, rather “at” each other. Or otter.
HERMAPHRODITE THAT RIKER LIKED: I’ll talk to someone.
BND: Awwwwk! That dude looksee like a lady!
KATIE WHITE: (Who? Awwwk, well she does make me wanna’ ting ting) They call me girl, they call me Stacey, they call me her… That’s not my name.
BND: Who tha’ blazes izzat strumpet? I will call her “Al.” Apparrrrrantly she has issues wit’ bein’ objectified and not realized as a full human bein’ worthy o’ respect and kindness; someone wit’ dreams and emotions who can contribute ta’ all o’ our humankind. Think she’ll take her top oof’?
BARBARA WALTERS: Thwat’s it. Thwis is over. Worst panel… and post… ever! It’s so fugging ridiculous. Nothwing makes sense. It has less continuity thwan “Enterprize” did… I mean… thwe first starship is actually called “Enterprize?” And Klingons wanted to be more human? And why are thwe Vulcans such bitcEDITED?
DENISE: Let’s get naked! Oh, wait… I see 7 already is. Hey- this is a taco fest so never mind. Where the boys at?
CAPTAIN JANEWAY: I sometimes get mistaken for a man.
BND: (in a dress) Awwwwwk! I’m gettin’ sued fur’ sure! I be so offensive ta’ lasses I dearly loves… Janeway, take oof’ yer’ top and I’lls feels better… And T’Pow too! Oh, T’Pow- I’ll climb tha’ steps! Climb tha’ steps ta’ Mounds Seleyah.
(Barbara Walters tazers BND, burns his dress a bit)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Fug yeah, BN Dude!
Chicks!
Boobies!
That’s what I’m fugging talkin’ ’bout!
(Can somebody please locate my intelligence? I seem to have dropped it a few notches somewhere.)
Cog sugger??
Why, I otta…..
Vented plasma?
Taco fest?
Too cool for words!
:>)
I attended a taco fest and vented my plasma, in spite of that cog sugger, CmdrR, running around pestering everyone!
Hab a nice fugging weegen all you cogsuggers!
ok, I’m just going to ignore all the above…
Yowza! I got a surprise pay raise! Ain’t that cool?
Boy, once the nasal congestion clears up, and we start enunciating more clearly, half of us will be banned for sure!
313
Very cool, Spockanella! Whatcha getting us??!!
Drinks are on Spockanella! (I’ll do the lickin’ up.)
Congrats! Let me know if they need a pr flack.
315: My warmest regards.
D’OH!!
The Enterprise is on routine patrol. The sound of a Russian toilet flushing signals the arrival via turbo-lift of AJ to the bridge.
Kirk: Mr. J, you have toilet paper on your bootheel.
AJ: Sorry, Captain. Someone’s been using the turbo-lift as a potty again.
Ensign BND: Awwwk. Works just fineedandee, till you try to get to the lower section and the whole blasted thingee turns over. I gots ta pick these lady napikins oot me hair.
Kirk: Nevermind that, navigator. Take us to warp.
Ensign BND: I’d surely likee ta do dat, Cap’n Emo, but the sonical boom would break the winders.
Spock: Ensign, a sonic boom is an atmospheric event caused by an object accelerating faster than the forward air can evacuate. There is no air in space, hence no sonic event.
Commodore The’Mo’Pic’So’Ed’Go’Ree’Aw: Whatever, Avatar’s gonna get the prize anyway.
BND: I guess their girlie Na’vi napis magically float away. Aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Zohura points her zoobtube gun at BND and fires.
The End — Or IS IT??
Jeez, I’m so frakkin funny no one’s said a word for 7 hours.
HARRY BALLZ:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away
There once was a planet that didn’t have no dames
BND landed there
And was unaware
Until the local hooker made him feel so short-changed
BND: Awwwwwwk! I been shot! Shot in CmdrR’s story! And now I have me fevered dreams…
TRIPPETTE: Honey, these spacial anamolies are rougher than a new brassiere which hasn’t soaked in Woolite.
ARCHERETTE: Sweetie, I love you, but you’re diverting too much warp power into the laundry machine.
TRIPPETTE: Honey, my capri pants need a’washin’!
MR. T’POW: I cannot believe this how human women really converse with each other.
ARCHERETTE: Yeah, well, golly, gee, my goodness, oh boy…
TRIPERETTE: Hey, uh, you still gunna’ cook me some catfish later?
MR. T’POW: I’ll cook your catfish, baby. I can bring home the bacon. Fry it up in a pan. But, darling, do not forget that I am a man. I’m going to need to see your boobies again.
REEDAKINS: Red alert, ma’am! There’s a ship de-cloaking off the port bow! And, oh, how dreadful its colour scheme is.
ARCHERETTE: Put on the big screen there, honey. Oh, my… I said “big”… tee hee…
MR. HOSHI: I have the universal translater on… but all I hear is “fish, fish, fish.”
CHRIS PINE: (onscreen) Archer! Come in! You’re in an alternate universe! Men are woman… women are men… we’re to save you, buddy boy!
ZACHIE QUINTO: You just had to use the red matter.
CHRIS PINE: Hey! I thought it was some sort of lube! Sliding into Spock isn’t that easy you know.
JJ ABRAMS: Cut! You don’t refer to people in 3rd… or is it 2nd? person! Now, on with the scene in this- my masterful sequel.
MR. 7 OF 9: (nude) I do not know why this nano-tube is all fleshy and pink…
CHRIS PINE: That’s not a tube! But it is… well… kind of nano… But it’s not a tube!
OBI-WAN: That’s a space station.
YOEWOMAN RAND: Look, you EDITED dorks, I wasn’t changed cuz’ I’m the same old TOS… listen to Chris… he can bring us back into our own universe and… Hey! Mr. T’Pow! Stop touching those.
MR. T’POW: Oh, bee-hive! Those aren’t bee stings…
BND: Egads… I gotta’ stop drinkin’ so much… Hey- I’m still a’shot! And I gots me poo on me head from tha’ porto-turbolift! Helps! McCoy! Phlox! Light bright guy! Anyone? Anyone?…
OPRAH WINFREY: And that’s the post in which we successfully sued Mr. Dude and made him cease and desist writing such drivel. Even if CmdrR was lonely, it’s no excuse…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
If you look up stream of consciousness on Google, it takes you to this chat room. Keep it up, demented ones!
#308 :: “… I am a new show that no one watches! …”
Noo!! Leverage is the most bomb show ever!! Parker is my hero… So is Tara, though, of course. Okay, okay, everyone on that show rocks my socks off.
Gosh, these past few comments have been so disturbing they’re hysterical.
Leverage and Burn Notice are what’s supposed to be on network TV. Instead we get reality crap! Harummppph.
There, am I grumpy enough old fart now?
BND, it was only a zoobtube gun. It only makes you faint until the scene is over.
I don’t even want to picture Reedakins as a woman… or Hoshi with a… prickly sense of humor.
Christine, quick… write something.
*beams in*
Hey, guys! I…
*does a squirm dance indicating he needs to use the bathroom*
I…
*continues the squirm dance*
I… gotta go!
*beams out*
Is Charles trying to hint that he’s “pissed off” with our crazy antics?
#326 :: Well… ya gotta admit… we’ve all been pushin’ some boundaries around here. Maybe just watch our little “antics” a little more carefully?
And #324 :: Fffffffffff. You can’t just ORDER ME on-the-spot to write something. It takes time… It takes effort… It takes–
Okay, I could probably whip something up in like five minutes.
Slow around here tonight…
“whip something up”
You see! A good start already. Whip it. Whip it good.
Charles#325- Hi baby – it has been too long! And when you do show up, you just disappear again. Would you stay longer if we were all naked?
Denise, I know I would “stay longer” if YOU did!
http://www.ottens.co.uk/forgottentrek/images/TMP/kirk_spock5.jpg
-Kirk trying to hide behind a pile of Madonna’s brassieres while sneaking a peak at naked Denise.
……………………………………………………………..
-Spock hoping to get a peak at naked Denise, but instead seeing Harry in the shower:
http://www.ottens.co.uk/forgottentrek/images/TMP/MW023.jpg
330. Denise de Arman — If you were ALL naked? No, I wouldn’t be here at all. :) Now, if only certain people here were naked… hmm, I would certainly consider it. :D
And, for the record, those “certain people” do not include Harry Ballz. That goes without saying, though. :-P
Denise:
I tried to ‘ping’ you on the CHAT after 8pm. You disappeared before my ‘ping’ could hit you.
Hope everyone else is having a grand old Sunday night!
Charles, don’t worry, I would never expose my shortcomings here!
In the words of another great Harry, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
Denise naked??
“Go ahead, make my day!”
I don’t see any female nudity!
That’s it, I’m leaving. :)
Ok, I’m here and I’m nekkid!
Oh…Charles is gone….never mind then.
Poor Spockanella, got all nekkid and had nothing to show for it! :>)
Hey, guys, I’m back. So what’s….
*sees Spockanella nekkid*
Wow… I have, um… something I need to take care of…
*runs to the restroom*
Charles always DID take a hands-on approach to things!
Depends on your imagination, Harry.
See what Charles did?
MmhMM…That’s what we all do….
STAR TREK
Kirk logs on to Trekmovie.Com, and writes:
Kirkjerk1701:
“There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Whom everyone knew for his cock.
It was hard as a board,
And he pooned me, Oh Lord
I think I just came in my sock.”
Spockcock1701: “Jim, I think we may be in some administrative trouble.”
Kirkjerk1701: “Why?”
AdmiralKomack@Starfleet.com: “Take a guess..I’ve been after you two for years!”
DeniseDeArman: “Leave them alone!”
AdmiralKomack@Starfleet.com: “Ah! You guys finally have a girl on your side. You should try ‘em sometime. Kirk, you’ve been known to have a go.”
Kirkjerk1701: “Yes, sir, I’ll take your advice. We’ll both go service Denise, and all should be fine.”
Silence
Spockcock1701: “Why will we both ‘go service’ Denise?”
AJ abandons the skit.
INT – 69 FORWARD HOLOSUITE
Holographic SIMULACRUM of KIRK and SPOCK are engaged in various
sexual antics:
Kirk: God, Denise, where did you learn to do that? That’s extraordinary!
Spock: Yes, indeed, Ms. de Arman, your skills in this area of expertise are reknowned.
Kirk: You like what she’s doing to ya, there, Spockaroonie?
Spock: Yes, James, I believe in human terms, “You betcher ass” applies.
Denise de Arman: Um, guys? I’m over here, by the door. We haven’t, um, started yet?
Beach#347- LOL! So, when DO we get started?
Any time you like, sugar.
Buckle up.
It’s not when you start; it’s how long you last.
Usually, I last until EnsR wakes up.
WAKE UP!
Scares me when we go 16 hours without a post.
Kirk: Spockaroonie! Glad I found you! The hell is everyone?
Spock: Dunno, Cap’n. Been no one ’round for almost a day. What should we do?
Kirk: How about each other?
Spock: Flawed. Logically flawed.
Kirk: Logic, schmogic. Drop yer drawers.
INT – ENTERPRISE DELI
SPOCK is behind the meat counter. DENISE enters.
SPOCK: May I be of assistance, madam?
DENISE: Yes. Do you have any Tongue?
SPOCK: Affirmative. I get off at sixteen hundred hours.
DENISE: I don’t get off at all! That’s why I’m asking for some tongue!
Hey, all!
I hope all is well.
Why isn’t this place-a-rockin’?
‘Beach, you’re a cunning linguist. Good use of tongue.
354:
A, Hey Jay, er, I mean, hey, AJ! Dunno why so dull ’round here….
355:
Thank ‘e. It’s a gift…
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters 0130
Kirk: “Spock, you promised me that rimjob. What happened?”
Spock: “Until you have a full sterilization enema, I refuse to perform the act.”
Kirk: “C’mon, Spock. I know that look…”
Spock: “I am a Vulcan. And a strict vegetarian. You and our good doctor consumed large volumes of Beef Jerky during your chess game last night. Until I know it has cleared your system, I refuse to comply.”
Kirk: “A vegetarian…YOU of all people. You’ve taken more meat into your body than an Outback Steakhouse on opening day.”
Spock: “Explain…”
Kirk: “I’m not a stalk of celery, Spock, and I’ve been exploring your digestive tract from two sides for years. And you swallow.”
Spock: “It is not the same!”
Kirk: “Isn’t it? It’s like a ballpark frank with cheese on the inside.”
Spock: “I will not subscribe to your analogy!”
Kirk: “Alright, I’ll give you the rimjob. But you owe me one. Tonight.”
Spock: “Agreed.”
FIN
357:
And away we………..go!
Meebo is a conspiracy perpetrated by the man for keepin’ the chat brothers (and sistahs) down. Here.
Random scenes herein from some a’Starry Trek eppies:
TOS (Hero Worship):
SURAK: Spock- help me.
KIRK: No, Spock- it’s a trick. These Excalibans don’t even have wieners despite being rock hard.
SPOCK: Sir, he as real to me as Lincoln is to you. I must save him.
SURAK: Spock- help me.
SPOCK: I am here and… Fascinating. You are being ravashed by Orion Slave Girls. One has your entire right ear in her mouth.
SURAK: Poor, poor pitiful me. These young girls won’t let me be. Lord have mercy on me.
TOS AGAIN, (as if you’ve had too much gin- Far Gorn):
GORN: Wassssssss it good for you?
KIRK: Yes. And don’t toss your afterglow cigarette over there. That’s gunpowder.
METRON 1: Is it something we’re doing wrong, or do all the folks we abduct to our planet do this sort of stuff, dearie?
METRON 2: Oh, they get here, and with the atmosphere, and get all Metron-sexual, honey!
VOYAGER (My Other Self is a Pornstar):
7 OF 9: Romper Stomp her!
THE DOCTOR: As we know from previously on this episode, several distinct personalities that the Borg collective assimilated are re-emerging in Seven. I believe this personality was part of some sort of sex trader.
JANE-HER-WAY: Yeah, I’ve been there. A few quatloos for some limp Gorn that kept “pine”ing for Kirk. What’s with the big springy boots?
7 OF 9: Romper Stomp her! (jumping up and down making her breasts bounce)
THE DOCTOR: I think she liked to dominate her partner. Computer- EMH off!
JANE-HER-WAY: Two can play this game. (puts on stiletto heels)
DS9 (Couples- Retreat!):
ODO: Oh, Narice, how I love you. (forms into some fairy dust to wrap around her)
MAJOR KIRA: Oh, Odo, you are truly the one for me and… hey- where are you going? Stop that! Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God! It’s like sand in my panties!
ODO: Well, I can enbiggen myself and…
MAJOR KIRA: Aaaaaa! Too big! Too big! Get out!
ODO: That’s what she said.
MAJOR KIRA: Yes, I know- I’m saying it now! You’re pushing up against my liver! (gasping) You must… you must… you must reduce your lust…
(meanwhile)
WORF: We have not completed mating!
DAX: Oh, I may be able to handle another concussion if… IF… you promise to stop biting me there. Oh, hell- bite me there all you want. I’ll get a new body anyway!
WORF: It’s good to be the Klingon.
ENTERPRIZE (The Most Erotic One Ever):
ARCHER: (on toilet, reading comic book) Heh, heh… Jughead, you scamp!
TNG (The Opera of Troi’s Child):
RIKER: What Riker wants, Riker gets!
TROI: I know, love- but we’ll have regrets!
RIKER: What do you mean, dirty Diana? What makes you vex?
TROI: Babies! And the other dangers of sex!
RIKER: We’d have beautiful children between you and I.
TROI: But a Betazoid baby could read our minds.
RIKER: Worry about that later- NOW give me those thighs!
TROI: But… what if the child is like Wesley?
CHORUS: Whiney brainy know-it-all Weeeeeeeesley.
TROI: What if our child is so smart he drives us both crazy?
CHORUS: Weeeeeeeeeeeesley!
RIKER: How could that be? I kicked him where he pees for the time he violated thee!
TROI: But… dear, dear commander… I must confess… I carry a baby without a beard.
RIKER: What does that mean? Oh, no! Is it what we all feared?
TROI, RIKER: What we all feared, through our ruminations
Is that boy genuis has procreated
And that child will read all our minds
And know when we wipe all our behinds
BARCLAY: No, you are all fools! I’m the one that touched Deanna with my jewels!
CHORUS: Barrrrrrr-clay! Barrrrrrr-clay! What type of baby will this be?
Barrrrrrr-clay! Barrrrrrr-clay! He shot our lady Troi where she does pee.
BARCLAY: Oh, the shame! The shame! I need a trash bag… A trash bag!… to cover my shame…
RIKER: So how many guys on this ship inside you have came?
TROI: 47.
- FINI -
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Fur’ ye’ youngsters:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8th2J3c88mU&feature=related
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
By tha’ by… looks likey Liam Neeson is in tha’ new Aaaaaaa-Team.
Doin’ Banacek’s role, no less…
(runs and hides from telly refer-arrrrr-ences…. arrrrrrrr)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
360
The last time I got in a trash bag was when I went slumming in Miami!
Do you remember her name, Harry?
If memory serves, it was Lotta Asse. She had enough wrinkles to hold a three-day rain!
The A-Team. Because there was nothing else left to reboot?
Why no reimagined love for Automan*… or The Love Boat**… or Get Christy Love***.
*This time, Desi Arnaz, Jr. plays the lead as Travis Bickle.
**Ricky Gervais as Cap’n Steubing; Donald Trump for Doc.
***Denise does the honors.
365 — My question is answered by the eerie silence accompianing my lame attempt at humor. Seriously though. When does this remake crap end? It makes me very hesitant to invest 10 bucks or more per ticket.
I’m waiting for……
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND: THE MOTION PICTURE
(you laugh, but watch and see)
Megan Fox for Mary Ann.
Megan Fox needs to go die in a hole.
Or at least stop acting. Blaaargh. There are people at my school more talented than here, and she’s currently on her way to being filthy rich. She’s like Paris Hilton. Only worse. BUT! Anyways…
Sorry I haven’t posted in a couple days. I have nothing to say that isn’t completely, entirely, 110% pointless. And I’m attempting to start a DS9 story that would be a sequel to The Soul Key, which was awe-some. Seriously. BUT I HATE THE ENDING. CLIFFHANGERS, NOO. D:
Wow, Christine. How do you really feel about Megan Fox?
Fine. For Ginger, how about Jenna Jameson?
Please no Gilligan’s Island.
Q: What’s the difference between Gilligan’s Island and Lost?
A: At least the plot on Gilligan’s Island made sense once in a while!
Zing… ouch!!
Just like some of the Star Trek eps. Gotta love ‘em. How are ya Harry? We should have lunch again and dissect Star Trek 2009. I need someone to discuss it with!
Hi, everyone. Just thought I’d pop in on the way to snoozeland.
kg
Hi Katie! Lunch sounds great! The next few weeks I’m in and out of town a lot on business, but after that, let’s set it up! Ooooh, dissecting the crap out of ST09…..”sounds like fun!”
#371
Since Jenna is only doing the girl/girl scenes these days it would put a whole new dynamic on the Ginger/Maryann relationship.
It’s only fair. If there is going to be K/S fiction there should be G/M prose brought forth. I’ll go get some popcorn.
THX, I’m just hoping popcorn is the only thing in your popcorn box. (Shades of Mickey Rourke in “Diner?” — eeeeeooooww)
376:
Shouldn’t that be “THX-1138 of 1139″?
Have you seen Jenna lately? I’ve seen store mannekins that looked more lifelike. I can’t imagine anyone hitting that for it’s own sake, without getting paid for it…
Q: What’s wrinkled and smells like ginger?
A: Fred Astaire’s finger!
The Island
The Castaways awake to find Ginger and Mary Ann getting busy atop the big table in the middle of the huts.
Gilligan: Gee, Skipper, Mary Ann and Ginger must really like each other!
Skipper (smacks him with hat): Giliigan, you idiot! Don’t you recognize hot, sweaty girl-girl action when you see it?
Gilligan: Of course not. All I’ve ver seen is the hot sweaty smelly guy-guy–
Skipper (interrupting): That’s enough, Gilligan!
Gilligan (unfazed):–stuff that goes on in our–
Skipper (interrupting again. angrily): That’s enough, Gilligan!
Gilligan (unfazed still): –hut. Night after night after night after night after night after–
Skipper: GILLIGAN!
He begins to CHASE Gilligan around the clearing.
Thurston Howell III: Now, now, boys, you mustn’t fight! Be friends, boys, please!
Lovey Howell: Oh, please, Thurston. Who are you kidding. You’re a bigger flamer than those boys’ll ever be! Why do you think I’ve been banging all those pool boys for so long now?
Thurston: Pool boys! Lovey, how could you?
Lovey: How could I? Oh, you mean how did I? Well, let me see. Missionary. Doggy style. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. Side saddle. Oral. Anal. Nasal. Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone, and the odd Golden Shower. Haven’t gotten around to using a Cup, though. Haven’t found a willing girl yet.
GINGER and MARY ANN have finished and are sitting naked on the table, listening in.
Mary Ann: Oooh, Mrs. Howell, I’ll take some of that action!
Lovey: Oh, Mary Ann, How sweet! What’s your pleasure?
Mary Ann: Oh, I’m game for everything, honey.
Ginger: Not the Cup, though. It’s overrated.
Lovey (gestures toward the Howell’s hut): Shall we?
Thurston Howell FAINTS dead away.
FADE OUT….
Well, Harry, they say Ginger did everything from behind, and in heels, no less!
Roowwwwrrrr!
My entire childhood… WAS… A… LIE!
Seriously? That sucks. Poor CmdrR, thinking Ginger was innocent.
Peeking in…
raunch levels still high….
sneaking out….
:)
Come up above!
I would take Mary Ann over Ginger any day of the week!
It’s quiet around here. Is everyone napping?
384:
Hi Nella…
Raunch? Here? At high levels? Since when?
You’re joking…
Re: #375. Harry
Excellent. Even my Trekkie BFF rolls her eyes if I go on too long so I’m desperate. I’ve made notes. Seriously. Yah, I know… (Actually, it’s only to help me remember. Hitting the big 5-5 this May and you’re a month behind in age. Yikes… Harry, we’ll officially be senior citizens. (In my best, whiny, tremulous fly-voice) – - Help me…
Will check back with you near the end of February. Can’t wait! Same Swiss Chalet okay?
kg
#380
And now It is complete. The Gilligan dialogue was spot on, I must say. but that stuff just may write itself.
Now to put the girls at the club into those Ginger and Mary Ann outfits……..
Yep, definitely still raunchy around here.
389
Senior citizens?????? Yikes!! Great! I’ll break out my walker and meet you at Swiss Chalet near the end of February! My treat!
rose- Graet to see another girl around here. You will get used to the raunch – we here in 69 Forward pride ourselves on taking every aspect of Star Trek and making it sexual in nature, or at least satirical…
Great, I meant…sheesh – anyone have a dictionary…
This chat room is now on a Raunch Alert Level System. Here’s how it works:
Rose-Colored: mild double-entendre is employed to moderately humorous effect
Nipply Pink: Somewhere between a haiku that takes you five hours to figure out the dirty parts and a Ballzian limerick that requires you to extend your yo yo finger to junior high school scansion
Blue InDenisigo: Erotic as hell, unless you are y-chromosome-impaired
Throbbing Purple: BND vintage. The clinic is already on stand-by for your usual round of shots
See how easy, kiddies? Now get out there and smuttify!
Oh, and Rhode Island Red: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnxdcm7yQOU
There is a “RI Red” version of that ditty, but seeing the gals sing: “some have a little ass. I wish!” sold me.
BOOBIES
This chat room is now part of the Fairly Unusual Comical Kidding Edge Division.
The acronym to that title should tell you everything about the participants!
Denise,
Has ‘rose’ had all her shots and her NewB indoctrination?
Where are the probes? I think TOG had them last.
Or maybe it was THX….
Harry,
A Division of:
Underappreciated Perverted Brillianty Eccentric Yet Occasionally Nuanced Drabble And Long, Lewd Homoerotic Oddball Prose Epics
Oops.
Missed Long…
393. Thanks for the welcome! And, I don’t really mind the raunch. It amuses me. And all the ’ship spoofing is hilarious, btw. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it soon.
Who is spoofing about ships? Let me attem! Nobody talks bad about ships! Ships is sacred, I tellz ya’!
What’s that? Not those kind of ships? Something entirely different? Oh. I see. (I read some of your stuff, Rose. Quite enjoyable. You removed your link to keep people like me from reading more, though.)
And #401-Beachy
Nobody misses long when I am around. Thwapp!
Ah…sorry. I sometimes have very little patience with my computer. Here it is again.
I keep ranting about my idea for NuTrek II: Everybody’s Shirtless in the treads, but it’s apparent that this is a very special idea that begs a very special audience. Anybody who’s up for shutting out the Twi-hards by getting everybody shirtless, angsty, and oiling them up for Trek 2012 – feel free to roll with the concept until we have a Live Chat plethora of greasy, forbidden, Trek tension!!
I’m talking about EVERYBODY’s shirtless! Dudes, chicks, hortas, tentacle aliens….EVERYBODY!
(and really oily too!!!!)
Special thanks to Denise backing the idea in one of the Bob Orci threads. Thanks for supporting this visionary portrait of tomorrow. NuTrek II: Everybody’s Shirtless.
The human adventure…….just got oiler…………
24thCRS!!!
Neato-keen.
I like it, 24th CRS.
In space, no one can hear the oily, squishy sound your frilly french undies make under your captain’s pants.
*ahem*
Sorry, Rose, I haven’t introduced myself.
I’m Christine, and I am nowhere near the awesomeness levels of the people around us (ha. ha. ha.) but I do love to hang around here and laugh at everyone’s ingenuity. I’m a junior in High School and I loathe my AP Classes, and… um… I love all of Star Trek. Minus the odd-numbered movies, ‘cept for TSFS.
That’s basically me. :D Oh, and I’m a wannabe Star Trek author. I idolize Peter David and Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens to the highest degree.
Nice to meet you~!
#405 :: Sounds like Twilight.
-cough, cough-
Let’s just not have Anton Yelchin ripping off his shirt and sparkling, okay?
Though come to think of it, he’d probably look better than ol’ Pattinson..
And everyone? The acronyms are genius.
ATTENTION TREKMOVIE GUYS
Ask Orci and Kurtzman if the next film will deal with the reaction of Starfleet to the incursion by Nero and how it has affected the balance of power in their universe. The Romulans have been blamed for Neros actions perhaps and maybe the Klingons feel like they have to go on the Defensive. Klingons would want revenge for the 47 ships they lost to Nero. Not only that the idea of a temporal incursion and all that. If I was writing the film I would deal with those elements. Just thinking as I was watching the film. The Klingons would not allow that attack to go unanswered.
#410 :: Sorry dude, I’ve got no sway against the Supreme Court. I’m 16 and powerless. But maybe watch for the next time Roberto Orci’s on TM and pitch the idea to him. This place is for… uh… raunchy writings and random chattings.
It’s not a half-bad idea, though.
Funny, I thought this place was for raunchy chattings and random writings??
Ah, well, you say PO-TAY-TO and I say PO-TAH-TO……:>)
Odd, I thought this place was for Ranchy Potatoes and Random Chidings.
THX#413- LOL! I thought this place was for Rauchy Meanderings and Random Limericks…
Don’t you mean raunchy hankerings and random rim-licks?
I thought this was a place for intelligent people to have philosophical discussions about things pertaining to Star Trek and other great things…
Oh, wait, I just killed the pattern.
But it’s a nice thought, right?
(By the way, if my AP English teacher saw this, I think she’d die of fright or something to that effect..)
Christine, just oil her up and have her join right in.
#417 :: Nuh-uh. I gotta get a good grade in her class or I am toast. Yes, her jokes in English can be a little raunchy (we spent an entire class period discussing Jim’s (as in, from My Antonia) “erotic dreams” about a certain Lena character and what they meant…) but I gotta keep on her good side. ;3
416:
Philosophical discussions, eh?
“Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be”
Discuss…
392. Harry
“…My treat!”
D’oh! Harry, I wanted to treat YOU! You paid for my lunch last time. No fair…
412. Harry
“…Ah, well, you say PO-TAY-TO and I say PO-TAH-TO……:>) ”
…let’s call the whole thing off… sing with me… you say potayto and I say potahto…you say tomayto and I say tomahto…
…sorry. I love that song!
Goodnight.
ktg
Katie
when I take a lovely person like yourself out for lunch it is my great pleasure and privilege to pay for the meal. Don’t give it another thought!
Awww…..
Thanks. Be prepared. I have a lot of notes. (Can’t depend on my recall.)
Woo-hoo!!
Goodnight. Really. For Real.
ktg
http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/nasa-to-get-more-286031.html
Gentlemen, we just lost the Moon.
Have a nice day, anyway, y’all!
410. Hi Christine! Nice to meet you. I’m a freshman in college and a major Star Trek fanfiction writer. (I hit a lull in my regular fiction writing as a result, unfortunately.) I absolutely, completely love Leonard Nimoy, Zachary Quinto, and ZQ’s brother Joe Quinto. And, obviously, Spock. I’m also slightly addicted (after Star Trek) to Glee, House, Bones and Lie To Me. But, I do have to disagree with you about the odd-numbered Trek movies; I don’t think they’re really as bad as most people think. Just not as good as they could have been.
So yeah. That’s me. Sorry it was so long. :P
rose- Nice to see you posting. Did you check out ksarchive dot com? It really is the best source of K/S out there on the net.
#423
I think I don’t like that. It may have been the only thing I liked about W. But then again maybe it’s a good thing if space exploration and privatization of space travel is promoted.
Man, I just don’t know.
426
Way to take a position, man! :>)
Harry#427- LOL!
Denise, my gorgeous sweetie, what’s your take on the quote I shared at post #419?
THX — I’d like to see private enterprise (pun intended) take over the space race. When’s the last time a shuttle mission got 1/100th the coverage the iPAD just got. Anyway — Mankind will go to space when there’s a ‘reason.’ Unlike Trek, I suspect it will be a lust for wealth and fame. Be that as it may, I just want my starship… SOON. I ain’t gettin’ any younger.
#427
You have mistaken paralyzing indecision with careful consideration. I am a practitioner of the latter.
On one hand I wonder what the point is of keeping the space station running for just an additional five years when we could get back to the moon. I hadn’t really considered that the space station was a structure that had that short a life span. I am hardly an expert on it but has it proven it’s worth with such a short life?
On the other hand I am all for privatization of space exploration and indeed profiteering. That’s how the majority of the earth was discovered and explored. If we left that up to the government, like we have, all the good stuff would be stuck in a commitee meeting.
But going back to the moon would be cool.
THX
thanks for clarifying your clarity of thought!
Denise–I have checked out ksarchive, but I only had the chance to read one story. You should look at Side by Side–they have some really awesome stuff. My #1 recommendation would be “When the Bond Breaks”. Amazing.
Arrrrrrrrrrrr… I’m guna’ give this here post ta’ Tha’ Answer Bloke, a man who knows it all yet does nothin’… Take it all away, Answer Blarrrrrrrrrrrrg!
Oh, that’s notta’ ‘is name… I just threw up a bit… Clean up in Aisle 69! Whar’s that Orion Slave Maid when ye’ need her? Suckin’ a Spock, I imagine…
Anyways…
ANSWER BLOKE AWAY!!!!!!!!!
RE 423- CmdrR– NASA scraps plans to land on BND’s rear quarters; BND furious at President. The truth is there is nothing going on upon the moon nor within BND’s rear. Maybe we could put some bottle rockets on a saxaphone and aim it at the brightest object in the night sky… Hmmmm… Saxaphone… Sexy Phone… Alexander Graham Bell in a lace teddy covered in oil and wires… Oh, Sorry- I, The Answer Bloke, continue on…
RE 431- THX– That’s not a moon! That’s a space station! Wait- you are the Sexy Phone person- why did I go on like that in CmdrR’s post reply? Oh, well… The Answer Bloke continues!…
RE 425- Denise– Of course Kirk and Spock did it, and not just in fiction. Where do you think Chekov came from? It was the caviar used as lubricant that produced him. And maybe some stolen eggs from Rand. Or possibly that salt creature. All that hair had to come from somewhere.
RE 419- Harry– The future is what we think we will have. The present is what we do have. That, and some caviar lube. Yum.
RE 422- Katie G.! SOUND THE TRUMPETS, SHE’S BACK– Coming out next month will be lovely Katie’s Cliff Notes to JJ’s film “Star Trek.” While not an “Idiot’s Guide”, it will give us the follicle count on Chris Pine’s head.
Arrrrrrrr… That be rude, Answer Blad! Go aways nows!
Christine- how a’many type-o’s didz I have? Excludin’ dis one…
Did TOG go ta’ Cambodia?
Oh, I kidz cuz’ I luvs…
And I promise, no mores Answer Blank no mores like…
But, welcome back, Katie!!!!!!! I shaved me parrot fur’ just such an occasion.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
BND, thank you so much for making everything else in my life seem that much more sane.
#435
Word. (I probably can’t say that anymore, can I?)
I am totally inta’ sanity. That’s why I says I be “in-sane.” In wit’ it!
Word.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Sorry sorry sorry!
I’ve been extremely busy lately. I haven’t had much of a free moment for the last month. Oy…. I’ve been reading, though. I promise I’ll try to show up more often.
You are missed, Shark. And we were all aiming for you, too.
When I aim to miss someone I hit the bullseye every time!
Hi, Guys.
I’ve been jumping around parts of Russia and Poland for work all week, so I haven’t been contributing as much as I should.
If, for some reason, any of you is traveling to Moscow, remember the following: Terminal 2 is actually Terminal F. If you fly into the new multi-million dollar Terminal ‘D’, and have to transfer, walk out of Exit 1 (next to Entrance 6) and go all the way to the right, where an A4 piece of paper printed in Russian is scotched-taped to a column that says “Aeroflot Bus to Terminal 2 (F), Terminal 1, and Terminal E.” ‘Taxi’ drivers will offer to take you for $80, but wait for the free bus. It’s a better value, especially when you realize the ride lasts only 5 minutes. Make sure you wear a hat, as it’s below zero F every day.
So Moscow apparently thinks it’s NYC. Like we needed another one.
Moscow is far worse.
If Moscow is worse then why would any of us be “russian” to get there?
rose#433- What is the site address for Side by Side? I want to go there!
Denise
it appears to be at kardasi then a dot then com then a slash and the letters SBS then slash again.
….this is purely in the interest of getting you all hot and bothered.
STAR TREK (2009)
The sauna
Kirk: “Well, Spock (removes robe), you didn’t seem to have any problems re-aligning the aft sensors”
Spock: “Jim. Yes (removes robe) *THUNK*. The aft sensors were re-aligned successfully. I will send a commendation to the Aft-Sensor Re-Alignment Department.”
Kirk: “You do that…”
Silence
Kirk: “Spock?”
Spock: “Yes, Captain?”
Kirk: “Has anyone ever told you you have a massive penis?”
Spock: “My mother.”
Kirk: “NOT the answer I was looking for…”
Spock: “She used to pick her teeth with it.”
Kirk: “Successfully?”
Spock: “Oh, yes. My penis is quite pointy. My mother would pick her teeth, and then cleanse her palate with my spooge.”
Emergency Ending
Harry: “What the hell is ’spooge?’ ”
Denise: “Did I just come? What the hell just happened?”
Christine: “This is AP English? More ! More!”
Anthony Pascale: “One of these days!…. POW! Right in the kisser!”
CmdrR: “Anthony stole my line.”
Another Sat-arrrrrr-day night and no ones ta’ do
No ones ta’ give me a turn o’ tha’ screw
So I bought me some tickets numberin’ three
A Powerball chance ta’ win a large lottery
What would I do iffi’ I won?
Shun this here nation and follow tha’ sun?
Oh, iffi’ had a million dollars I woulda’…
Pay some sharks to ride on fur’ free
Eat nothin’ but veal wit’ molten cheese
Get a mansion full o’ hot naked knees
And repay Harry fur’ his jacuzzi inta’ which I had squeezed
Awk- Tha’ sad truth is I be nuthin’ but a loley bum
Tryin’ ta’ get high offa’ roll o’ Tums
Tha’ chalky taste in me mouth only reminds me so
I shoulda’ burned me dollar bills than surrenderin’ them ta’ tha’ lotto
Oh, iffi’ had a million dollars I woulda’…
Turn Cap’n Kirk’s chair inta’ me personal potty
Surgical’y alter TOG inta’ Montgomery Scotty
Get meself a coffee shop that’s naughty
Where tha’ baristas where no bras nor sotties
Fly ta’ Denise ta’ get slapped fur’ bein’ grabby
Invest in sexy-phones inta’ which I could wee-wee
Awk- Tha’ sad truth is I be nuthin’ but a loley bum
I drew characters from Voyager on me thumbs
Now Chakotay scratches me bom
But… whilst I knows not where I shall I go, I does know whar’ I be from
Oh, I dunna’ wanna’ million dollars!
I’d goldplate me chamber pot
I’d clean off all me body rot
And then whatta’v I got?
Not me! Not me! I’d not be tha’ same old sod!
But I’d be rich.
So, scratch me itch!
And someone please, please, please… replace me Funderoos Spock under-britch-essssss!!!
(And folks wonder why Broadway sucks ta’day…)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I’m WEARin’ oot’…
Butz WHERE ams I?
(one-time BND type-o correction from previous post)
(no one cares)
(Awwwk! He’s in tha’ Brandy now! And she dunna’ like it!)
Brandy- yous a fine girl
What a good wife ye’s be…
Be me wife, me lover, me targ
And me sea…
And… hey- waits! I dunna’ wanna’ marry her!
No I juzt wants ta’ dip my hardened tempered kolsharin inta’ her molten cheese pittata… See iffa’ a Reece’s cup emerges…
Uhhhhhh… I best leaves… these Tums arrrrrrr makin’ me feels and act strange-like… and thursty! Mayhaps I should take some more? Dunna’ wanna’ have me heartburn aftar’ all…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
There once was a chicky named “Seven”
Who sent all her men into heaven.
Those telltale boobs
And those orbiting cubes
Have no chance in Star Trek Eleven
There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Who spent his whole life sucking cock
He was always promoted
And his captain deep-throated
Him whenever they hit the Spacedock
“Captain, you ignorant slut,”
Spock would say
“You’re boner will not make the cut”
“It’s smelly and tiny
And it smells like my hiney”
Let’s have a look at YOUR butt:”
Spock’s butt is all smelly and brown
All those veggies caked up at the crown
It’s enema time
And I’m feeling fine
Let’s spread his green love all around.
FIN
Denise–here’s a link to Side by Side. Enjoy your slash, bebe.
Sorry, I forgot to put it up above. :P
http://www.kardasi.com/SBS/sbsmain.htm
Sup gang. Gotta drop by to take a break from homework and taxes. @__@
#447 – Yup, that’s definitely an intro to NuTrek II: Everybody’s Shirtless if I ever read one. Tack on the prologue music from The Search For Spock for dramatic emphasis!! XD
-24thCRS
Just saw select parts of Avatarrrrrrr in 3D. Select, because EnsR required supervision outside the theatre during most of the good bits. Had vainly hoped a bright shiny blue cartoon would hold his attention. Alas, it was not to be. 3D, complete with glasses. Haven’t done that since Spy Kids 3D, with Ricardo Montalban and a headache from the glasses. All in all, I’m going to risk it and say Avatar is a better evening out than was Spy Kids 3D, despite RM’s Khantribution.
Just catching up on the above mayhem. I see you’re holding down the fart nicely.
OK, Denise, Rose… so, where’s the link for ‘Barbara Luna’s Lunie-Nudie-Toons?’ Or ‘HelenNoelRingsYerBell.com?’ Or ‘M5LearnstoMuffDive.net?’ Or Googling All Yeomans? Huh? Huh?
Oh, the sausage and the donut should be friends,
Oh, the sausage and the donut should be friends.
The sausage sizzles with oily ease,
The donut lays with butter and cheese,
That’s no reason why they cain’t be friends!
Sorry, CmdrR, can’t help you there. I stick to K/S. But just out of curiosity…where has your head BEEN?
M’dear Rose, if I told you all the places my old head has been it would scare you out of your socks.
Ah, one of my favourite books……The Joy Of Socks!
Harry, you old splooge hose! How the hell are ya!
Not bad, you old horse thief!! Tell me, have you splooged your hose over anyone lately?
There once was a man who shared his splooge
When it came to that stuff, he sure wasn’t Scrooge
He would tug and then pull on his wire
All the while with the greatest of desire
Causing, in his own silly way, a veritable deluge!
Harry, good thing I got me a sock ta’ put o’er me head…
Dunna’ wanna’ get all soaked…
Say, can I sells that bloke’s life-stuff ta’ tha’ local fertility clinic? I got me an empty Cool Whip bowl ta’ place it in and…
What am I sayin’?????!!!!
Yuck…
Better ta’ go see tha’ Avatar bits CmdrR missed oot’ on… I just love Smurfs…
Actually, I have me no interest in Avatar… Just dunna’ appeal ta’ me… Change me mind, someone?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Blue Boobies!
How’s that for a mind-changer?
Well, guys and gals, I am off tomorrow morning for a hernia operation.
The darn thing is a little lump above my belly button which moves around only in the presence of Denise.
In actual fact, the Russians have deemed its removal necessary (but not urgent), and after tests tomorrow in the hospital, it will be fixed Tuesday, and I should be out Wednesday or Thursday.
My connectivity will be limited, so if I never show up again, it means I am dead. If I do show up again, regardless of connectivity, it means I am still alive.. I f you catch Spock boning Kirk in a Jeffries tube yelling “Hello, Sailor!”, it means not only am I still alive, but I am piss-drunk to boot.
Humor. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical. But it sure is fun.
BND
from now on the goo will be referred to as COOL WHIP!
AJ
a hernia? That’s what happens when you try to lift your wallet to take it with you to Russia!
In the Na’vi
why you can see some blue boo-BIES,
In the Na’vi
while you go swingin’ in the trees.
In the Na’vi
where four fingers make a hand
In the Na’vi, in the Na’vi
Hug a tree and love the land
In the Na’vi
Come on, protect Pandora’s fans
In the Na’vi
Come on and blast a small hoo-man
In the Na’vi
Come on people, and make a stand
In the Na’vi, in the Na’vi, in the Na’vi (in the Na’vi)
Come on blue! Come on blue!
Zoe’s cute in her birthday suit
Meanwhile, back at K/S….
Spock: If I understand your Earth tradition, the groundhog prognosticates the coming of an early Spring by failing to sight his shadow.
Kirk: That’s if Mr. Groundhog comes outta the hole.
Spock: He has not. Therefore…
Kirk: (grunting) Six more weeks, Spocko!
**hides face in shame**
Denise refers to this as GRIND-hog Day!
(runs and hides)
anyone here of a Official Star Trek convention in detroit ??
You guys are too freakin’ hilarious, and I mean that totally seriously. I was reading this last night, and I think my 12-year-old niece read some of the posts…Oh well. If I get charged with the corruption of a minor, I can always plead insanity, right?
rose
just by coming to this Chat room PROVES the insanity!
Anybody seen my Muse?
She just will not stick around this Monday morning…
What does that make you, Mickey Muse??
Nah, Harry. That’s the problem.
Somebody slipped my Muse a Mickey.
Finn, that is…
Well, as long as the girls don’t call you Minnie!
Hyuk…..now I’m just being……wait for it………GOOFY!
Okay, I think I found the Muse. Or she woke the hell up, or something…
Try this:
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of a deep head trip
That started on this Trekker Site
Aboard this 6-9 ship.
BND was slightly creepy, man,
TOG of this, was sure.
Many Chatters did set sail that day
For a few hours, sure
A few hours? Suuurrrre..
The posting started getting rough,
Opinions turned and tossed
If not for the patience of TM’s Guru
Nine-Forward would be lost
Nine-Forward would be tossed.
The ship set ground in the midst of this disgusting steaming pile
With BND
The TOGster too,
Harry Ballz (no, ‘Nella’s not his wife)
Denise de Ar(man)
‘Beachy, AJ, THX,
And the rest on BND’s Isle.
So this is the tale of the Chat-aways,
Been here for a long, long time,
They love to make a mess of things,
As the posts begin to climb.
BND (don’t know ’bout Togster, ooh),
Will do his very best,
To make us all uncomfortable,
In this Six-Nine Forward mess.
Not real, nope nope, no not at all,
Ten-u-ous reality,
Where sanity is so-so,
Where lunacy can run free.
So join in at your peril, friends,
Some of this stuff is vile,
A bunch of weirded Chat-aways,
Here on “BND’s Isle.”
VERY NICE!
….and as you reminded us, there’s nothing worse than a “Six-Nine Forward mess”!!
478;
Thanks, Harry.
There should be a sign posted:
Beware all who enter here without galoshes, and up-to-date shots…
By galoshes I presume you mean RUBBERS?
480:
Trojans, of course. You can hide more inside them….
Yeah, but it scares some people when your “men” come pouring out!
479: Better add a Hazmat suit to that.
A Hazmat suit? Isn’t that what Spock and the redshirt wore on the planet in the opening of The Naked Time?
Spock can wear whatever he wants… Of course, I would prefer him naked…
rose- I checked out the link you sent me and realized I HAVE read all those stories – just forgot what Side by Side was. I also did enjoy And When the Bond Breaks very much. Thanks for the refresher. Enjoy the KS Archive.
471. Yeah, I know, but I just can’t help it. It’s addictive. I mean , why else would you think I was on here when I supposed to be babysitting?
485. I KNOW, RIGHT?! Why can’t they make him naked for us?
483: Nella
Nah. Galoshes (on your feet, Harry!) and updated vaccinations will do fine. But as is usual with this place, watch your step. You never kow who’s spilled what on these floors…
485/487 Denise/Rose
For the same reason not men don’t always picture women naked all the time. No need to cover up everything. As uncomfortable as it can be for you ladies to wear, lingerie can be twice as nice, because sometimes it’s what you don’t see that can be so much more enticing, and all the better enjoyed once it’s revealed…
Beach
I joked about rubbers because up here in Canada we call overshoes (galoshes) “rubbers”…..as in “it’s raining out, you better wear your rubbers!”
I laugh every time somebody makes that suggestion!
488. True. But the only guy’s chest we get to see in ST:XI is Kirk’s, which, while nice, is not Spock’s. The closest we ever get to seeing Spock’s chest in the TOS episode “The Naked Time”, and I think one other episode. Can you see why we’d be just a LITTLE frustrated here?
rose — You get Spock topless, being whipped (green bloody lash marks and all) in ‘Patterns of Force.’ What more could you want?
ZQ: “Rose, you is my woman now, you is.”
Rose: That’s nice, Zach, but why are you singing?
ZQ: Just practicing. My BFF Steven has me playing George Gershwin. “Summertime… and Spockanella is ea-sy!”
‘Nella: Hey!
ZQ: Oops. It gets outta hand sometimes. “Embrace B… N-D embraceable you!” O, Lord, no!
BND: Arrrrrrrr. ’tis a love that daaaarrrrrres not speak its name… or we’ll get slaughtered on tenth avenue.
AJ: It’s a nice jerk if you can get it… and in Moscow you can get it if you pay 5 rubles.
5 rubles??? You was robbed!
Wow…Zach Quinto singing…that IS an interesting image.
Is it sad that I totally love how insane we all are here?
Les nuts, c’est moi!
DEANNA: Oh, I see you are ridged for my pleasure.
WORF: Yes I am. Continue.
-
HOSHI: Look- as much as I get my chapsticked lips around it, it’s still like a small noodle I wouldn’t bother putting into my ChowDown Mein.
ARCHER: Keeep going. I feel a little tinge down there… Come on Archer! You’re a winner, you’re a winner!
-
JANEWAY: I didn’t know the Borg could grow such a thing!
7 OF 9: My Giganto-Probes can do most anything. Please continue.
-
BND: OK- Deanna winz this here year’s hotdog eatin’ contest. She got 23 down.
23 YOEMEN: That’s right!
DEANNA: The buns were the worst part. That, and no overshoes…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
23 Down: 7-letter word meaning something to gobble.
f e _ _ _ _ _
“7-letter word meaning something to gobble”
Funny, the word turkey only has 6 letters!
….and the phrase “good sport” is two words adding up to 9 letters!
You’re not trying, Harry.
But, it’s a lame bit anyway.
feedbag, sted ‘filet show’
How about festering sore?
The clinic has shots for you, Harold.
497, 500
Rhymes with “Today Show”…but I digress…
What the hell are you guys talking about?
Did you guys spend the wekend in the chat again? Look at all the posts. And the mess! Good thing I don’t have to clean up this place.
504:
RE: CmdrR at post 497.
If “guys” means Harry and CmdrR I’m with you, and have no idea.
505:
The new guy has to do that. Part of the probationary period. And since rose is the newest indoctrinee….
BTW some new Gilligan goodness for you up at post #477…
Guys:
Still in the clinic with no operation yet. They’re using medicine to bring down my blood pressure, which was quite high, and it hit paydirt today. Needs to stabilize before I can go under. Then it’s recovery time for a few days.
I need to start paying some attention to my heart from now on as well. And all I wanted was the damned hernia fixed!
497 was a lame attempt to play off of BND’s 496, which mentioned 23 Yeoman and Deanna ‘downing’ some, erm, hotdogs. Hence the 23 Down reference to ‘filet show.’
Sheesh, last time I try to be clever about oral sex.
AJ — sorry you’re in pain. Yes, a hernia is a small price to pay to learn to be good to your heart.
Happy Groundhog Day, everyone. Early Spring on the way, according to General Beauregard Lee in Georgia.
Wow! District 9 made the list of nominees for Best Picture, but not Star Trek?
What a rip!
508:
Now that I read BND’s opus, your post makes more sense, which is to say, around here, only slightly more so than usual..
PICARD: Mr. Data- what on earth are you doing?
DATA: I am playing “Star Trek: Online.” My character is that of a Russian surgeon operating on AJ. Notice where I put the sponges.
PICARD: You can’t do surgery over the internet, Mr. Data! And I do not think that spot is sponge worthy.
WORF: Rarrrrrrrg!!!!!! Commander Riker- quit making Ensign Groundhog touch me like that! I do not like this online experience.
RIKER: Suck it up, Mr. Woof. Ensign Groundhog gets one day a year to do that. Poor sod. Now then, let’s see if I can make Deanna goose some people…
BND: Awwwwwk! I be in some sort of surrrrrrreal world herein’! So many pixels!
BELLYACHE TORRES: Drop ‘em, mister.
BND: But I dunna’ have me a gun.
BELLYACHE TORRES: Oh, I think you do. Drop ‘em!
BND: Well, I does need me prostate checked oot’… Awwwwwwk! Warm yer’ hand, tootsie!
BELLYACHE TORRES: If you think that one was cold, wait until I get my other one up there…
BND: (blacks out, drools on keyboard) A-gagagagagagagaga
AJ: This is not at all funny. Now then, let’s see if I can get “Star Trek:Online” Spock to do the Vulcan crotch grab on…
DATA: Please relax now. This little prick will hurt for a moment and then I can continue operating upon you.
AJ: That better be a EDITED needle.
BND: (asleep at computer, peeing a bit) Oh, I kidz cuz I luvz… Take care, AJ! Thar’s no such thing as a small operation, so hope ye’s get wellz soon… Spock’ll get bored wit’oot’ ye’…
CMDRR: Horatio Hornblower!
DEANNA: That’s my old Starfeet Acadamy nickname…
‘BEACH: I don’t think BND is even trying anymore… Well, while he’s blacked out, hunched over his keyboard overcome by the albatross of gin, let’s take the keys to his LeSabre! Think we can drive it to AJ to deliver a “Get Well” card? I mean, that LeSabre is a boat, after all.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr, indeed!
AJ- Wish I could be there for you, my darling. I would wear a nice short, tight nurse’s uni and everything. Why did you have to go get sick in Russia…
Denise, I definitely have a sickness… and you’re the cure.
Hmmm. Hours later and 514 now looks much creepier than when I wrote it.
Let me put it this way: Whatever else is going on, if Denise walks in the room in a skimpy naughty nurse uni, I have NO problems.
511: Heh heh. Spongeworthy.
Poor AJ, stuck in the clutches of medical care.
I can’t believe some of the movies that made it when Star Trek didn’t. *Sigh*. Oh well.
AJ — hope you’re okay! What happened to you? (Sorry if I missed some posts.)
Anyone know or hear what the translation is for what Chekov yells joyfully when he successfully beams up and rescues the falling duo Kirk and Sulu? (Is that when he yelled it out?) The DVD doesn’t translate it when the subtitles are on so I’m guessing it may be profanity…
Enquiring minds…
Hi Denise! Hi Spockanella! How are you doing? Has Vulcanista been around?
Well, goodnight. I’m fading fast.
kg
Well, I’m being released tomorrow without the operation. I need a full month of BP treatment beforehand. That was an eye-opener for sure. They asked me if I had ever had a heart attack. Today, the surgeon said, I should be grateful I got a hernia, because it may have saved my heart.
Wow, that’s really lucky then. Hope you’re better soon!
519
Take care of yourself, Andrew. You ain’t got nothing if you ain’t got your health…
AJ
Take care of yourself, bro’. Glad to hear that you got an early warning and what amounts to a second chance. Take advantage of it for the kids.
CmdrR.
heh heh–You said whatever else is going down when Denise enters the room. heh heh. (Maturity does not exist in this dojo.)
519: Yikes. No fun, but I’m glad they figured all this out. There’s often a lot of adjustments needed with blood pressure meds but if you persevere the balance can be found. It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that if weight is an issue, even a drop of 10% of body weight will affect blood pressure. Exercise helps, and staying hydrated. Some people are salt sensitive, so being aware of sodium could help. Too much caffeine can also raise blood pressure, as can smoking.
And I’m sure you were already told all these things, but as a person with a bad family history for hypertension, I tend to preach a little. With my weight loss I’ve managed to drop my blood pressure down to slightly above the amoeba level (114/64 last time I looked).
Hang in there, and I’m glad you’re getting the treatment you need.
AJ — We don’t want you in an ugly black chair blinking “Yes, Yes, I would like a massage from BND.” Sometimes, it takes a kick in the gut to get us to change our habits. Best of luck my friend.
518: Hey, you. Drop by more often. Pull up a chair. Coffee’s on the stove.
525
Oh, is that what’s in that?
Ewwww…..change the pot once in a while….
526: Well…BND WAS the last person to make the coffee, so…consider yourself warned.
Ugh. I think I heard it growl.
Or maybe belch…Eww.
When it comes to coffee, I like the way Denise GRINDS the beans!!
Time to switch to decaf, Heimrich.
Just looked at the Feedback thread and saw Vulcanista had posted a recent comment!
C’mon, baby, let’s see you back here where we enjoy your company!
Way to get aggressive, Harry!
STAR TREK
Journey to Babel
Sarek….”and she who is my wife.”
Kirk: (smiles and bows slightly): “Madam.”
Amanda smiles
Kirk: “Mr. Spock would be happy to give you a tour of the Engineering Section..”
Sarek: “I would prefer another guide, Captain.” Sarek looks Kirk up and down. “You will be sufficient.”
….LATER (Kirk’s quarters)
Boof! Boof! Boof!
Kirk: “Like father!…..” Boof! Boof! Boof! “Like son!…ohh my!” Boof! Boof!
Sarek: “You will be silent, Kirk!”
FIN
AJ
with the recurring theme in your stories, I’d guess your favourite movie to be……..Bang The Bum Slowly?
(runs and hides)
Slowly?
Hey, that’s what I get for trying to make a pun out of an old movie title!
The Klingon pron classic:
“Kang is Hung Lowly”
(Runs faster than Harry, but cannot escape)
STAR TREK
“Journey to Babel”
Sarek: “When the Tellarite was murdered, I was quite…incapacitated.”
(Flashback)
Kirk’s Quarters
Kirk: “Use your lips, baby, oh, that’s nice! You got my chocolate on your peanut butter, eh, Sarek?”
Sarek: “Hmmfffgh…Hngf!”
Kirk: “Sure ya do (rubs Sarek’s hair)…sure ya do….yeah.”
FIN
Kirk sounded more like Stewie from Family Guy!
Ever read the book, Ruptured Chinaman by Wan Hung Lo?
ST09 recast. Late. Kirk’s quarters aboard the JJPrise:
Sarek: This is illogical, Kirk.
Kirk: Shut up and wiggle, you green-blooded… You want to repopulate New Vulcan, don’t you?
Sarek: But, we are both males. At least call in some of the females from your crew.
Kirk: All in good time, my pointy eared nymph.
Sarek: Well then, at least take your socks off. What are you, a politician?
Kirk: Nope.*
And the theme music that plays: “Cherry-asses of Fire.” (Because Ben Cross was in — Oh, nevermind!)
* pointless Google distraction on faked orgasms and wearing socks during sex:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4111360.stm?lsm
I think Harry caught my obvious over-exposure to Family Guy.
542:
That’s an awful, awful article.
So, based on that article, all you have to do is slap on a condom and say to the woman, “hey, look, you’re protected!”
And then there’s the famous book written by my cousin entitled, The Tiger’s Revenge by Claude Ballz!
…What’s with the Kirk/Sarek smut? That is extremely wrong. Funny as hell, but WRONG.
And that article was just weird–but at least now I know never to date a guy who can run brain scans on me. Thanks for that, google.
Now with all of the K/Spock and K/Sarek slashtaculars going, I am left with a bothersome question:
Just what exactly goes on when Vulcans bump uglies? And when Vulcans and humans (or any of the other various Trek denizens) crash muff is it filled with coital exclamations of rapture or does the Vulcan perform his logical duty stoically? Is that as much fun? Do you think we could persuade Alex and Bob to include some green-blooded belly slappin’ in the next flick so that I might satisfy my own twisted curiosity?
(I have trademarked many of the above substitute sexual intercourse phrases, so I expect hefty financial compensation from the writers if any of them are used. I may be persuaded, however to waive all fees for a cameo. Dress me up in a red shirt and waste me, even.)
ARCHER: That’s it! I am so golly sick of being portrayed as a wimp! Trip- take off your pants now!
TRIP: Cap’n? My… my catfish will just be dangling there… with no pan to fry it up in!
ARCHER: Fine- I won’t start with the heavy K/S type stuff… Hoshi! Kiss me!
HOSHI: But sir- I just pit on some lipgloss. My lips are all wet.
ARCHER: I’m sure there’s a joke about moist lips there, but I haven’t figured it out yet. T’Pow! Maybe you can…
T’POW: Remove my catsuit? (strips)
ARCHER: I was going to ask you to make me Jell-O. But, OK… I have to get started somewhere.
TRIP: Hoshi, as long as my pants are off, maybe you can do a little hailing frequency on my…
HOSHI: No, I don’t like bite-size sushi. I go for the big tuna.
T’POW: Indeed?
REED: (entering bridge) Sir! There’s… there’s… a good deal of nude and lewd behaviour here. Permission to just go work on my phaze cannon?
ARCHER: You’ve worked that thing long enough. Now, uh… let’s see… Hoshi, put on your Sumo-Suit.
THX: Man, this channel is worse than the last one. I think I’ll just go rent “Green Bloodied Belly Slapping” on DVD. I hope it’s not about Gorn.
BND: I painted me naval green! Slappe’ it! Slappe’ it!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
….Overheard in the lounge Bob BOB! No, hang in, jeez, that’s not what I MEANT! OH YES!”
Slap Slap Slap
“Oh, YES!”
Famous Spock pick-up line:
“Excuse me, miss, but if you have the curves, I have the angles”
548:
TO: THX-1138 of 1139
FROM: 69-FORWARD LEGAL DEPT.
Mr. THX,
As “bump uglies” has been among various regional vernacular for some time, it is in your case untrademarkable (wow, new word!), as is, among others, “knock boots”, “mattress mambo” “horizontal rumba”, etc.
“Crash muff”, however, barring objections from any third parties, has possibilities…
YOURS IN PON (Not to be confused with Jamie) FARR,
Ann Gottacloo
69-Forward General Counsel
Other Vulcan euphemisms:
Picklin’ the cuke
Floggin’ the sehlat
Catchin’ the last boat to tofu town
Makin’ Surak cry
Giving her a plomeek necklace
One more:
It’s green.
552:
Nice!
And when the women aren’t around, Spock sits in the corner and “strokes the bishop”!
TO:
Ann Gottacloo
69-Forward General Counsel
As legal precedence has been set, vis a vis the NFL’s lawsuit seeking cease and desist orders pertaining to merchandising rights to the phrase “Who Dat”, I feel that I am well within my legal right to remain in posession of the financial ownership of the phrase “bump uglies”. As no trademark existed before my claim, I am ready to pursue this matter. I expect to see you in court.
THX-1138-of 9/WIELDER OF THE WAVE MOTION GUN/The Fandom Menace et al.
And I am still awaiting any input (hehe) pertaining to my original query.
Who Dat?
Arrrrrrrrrrg!
Tha’ Bengals had it first wit’ “Who Dey!”, which wuz’ coined aftar’ a local beer- Hudepohl.
Tha’ stinkin’ mascot be Who Dey!
(it be Super Duper Bowl week, me mates, aftar’ all… and mayhaps another 20 years afore tha’ Bengals go back… Shatner will be senile by then and… oh, wait! -He be now so maybe, just mayhaps… Oh, well- Go Saints! I mean, go Horsey Blokes! Can tha’ Reds play dis’ game?)
On a side note, why canst’ I get me pantsless avatar in “Starry Trek:Online” ta’ scramble when blitzed? Damned Madden and dis’ game… Why, thar’ be no yarrrrrrrrd marrrrrrkers at all…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
SpockshowsKirkthedifferencebetweenatightendandawidereceiver.
Phew! Gotta be quick to get in the first K/S gay Superbowl reference.
…le giggle…
THX
Ann Gotacloo is actually on your side, man! I should hope you’d want to see her in court. That means she’s there defending you.
561:
Speaking of Le Giggle, heard from Liz lately?
STAR TREK ENTERPRISE
Archer’s quarters 2200.
Archer looks at his naked body in the mirror.
Archer: “Shucks. I don’t even know what this stuff does…all these folds, and my pee-pee. These things are like balls…OW! Squeezing them hurts! Hey, hey! I feel something! Heh Heh…Archer to Phlox!”
Comm: “Phlox here, Captain!”
Archer: “Please come to my quarters!”
Archer continues manipulating himself as Phlox walks in.
Archer: “Hey, Doc! Watch!” Pssssssss…..
Phlox: “Captain, you’ve just urinated on the floor of your own cabin. Again. Ugh…Asparagus.”
Archer: “That wasn’t sexy? Damn! I thought I had it this time!”
Phlox: “Not…Not quite. Remember ‘Everybody Poops’?”
Archer: “That was awesome!”
Phlox: “Please watch this one next, “Everybody gets a Boner.”
Archer: “I sure will, Doc!”
Phlox: *SIGH*
FIN
STAR TREK: EVERYBODY GETS A BONER
Kirk: “Bones, Spock. Since you are playing this tape, we will assume that I am dead and the tactical situation is critical and both of you are locked in mortal combat.
It means, Spock, that you have control of the ship and are probably making the most difficult decisions of your career. I can offer only one small piece of advice for whatever it’s worth: use every scrap of logic and knowledge you have to save the ship, but temper your judgment with intuitive insight. I believe you have those qualities, but if you can’t find them in yourself, seek out McCoy. Ask him for a drink, ask his advice, suck his southern shlong dry, and, if you find the advice sound, take it.
Bones, you’ve heard what I just told Spock. Help him if you can, but remember he is the captain, his decisions must be followed, without question. You might find that he is capable of human insight and human error. They are most difficult to defend, but you will find that he is deserving of the same loyalty, jaw-dropping piledriving buttflucking and and confidence each of you have given me.
Take care.”
END TRANSMISSION
AJ: “I think I just came.”
Denise: “I did, for sure.”
STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
ARCHER stands naked in his quarters (again), trying desperately to get his flaccid and frankly unappetizing Lil Archer to respond, to no avail.
ARCHER: Archer to T’Pol.
TPOL (VO, filtered): Yes, Captain.
ARCHER: I need to see you in my cabin.
TPOL (VO, filtered, with a goddamned illogical man sigh): Again, Captain? Oh, very well.
ARCHER: Archer to Dr. Phlox.
PHLOX (VO, filtered, distracted): Yes, Captain.
ARCHER: I need to see you in my cabin.
PHLOX (VO, filtered): Again, Captain? (beat, then, annoyed) As you wish.
TIME LAPSE
PHLOX and T’POL arrive.
ARCHER turns, still naked, junk still unresponsive.
ARCHER: T’Pol, help me out here.
T’POL UNFASTENS her uniform top. Her surgically enhanced endowments bounce joyously free.
PHLOX (whistling, trouser tent evident): Damn, T’Pol. Nice rack. Who was your surgeon?
T’POL: Dr. Savid, in the Northern Province.
PHLOX: Really? OH, he’s very good. (paws and examines and cops numerous feels) Yes, indeed. An impressive bit of cosmetic enhancement. My compliments (eyes momentarily unfocus) Ohhhh, Ahem. And thanks.
ARCHER: Hey. Guys. Problem’s over here. Jesus, Phlox, did you just c*m in your pants?
T’POL (feels Phlox’s crotch): Indeed he did. Thank you Doctor.
ARCHER: How the f*ck is it, that I can look at a rack like that and not feel a goddamn thing, yet you see it and make gravy in your BVD’s?
PHLOX: Captain, I have told you repeatedly, no medical procedure or exposed Vulcan boobjobs are going to change the fact that you’re a raging queen. Get over it.
ARCHER: Queen? I do not like men!
PHLOX (reaches for own zipper): I didn’t wish it to come to this, but–
He UNZIPS and no less than FIVE appendages spring forth, all but one in full, angry erection.
T’POL: Oh, now it’s a party. Very impressive, Phlox.
PHLOX: Thank you, my dear.
ARCHER is instantly and painfully erect. He stands speechless, staring at Phlox’s c*cks and drooling incessantly.
ARCHER: Four! You got FOUR c*cks, Doc!
PHLOX: I got FIVE wives, homeboy. You think I can service that much p*ssy with one? One for each wife, baby.
T’POL (fondling and groping all four erect ones, trying to help the fifth to recover): Oh, it’s definitely a party now. May I?
PHLOX: Oh, by all means. There, you see, Captain. All you needed was the right incentive. Care to participate?
Archer looks thunderstruck. T’POL, meanwhile, has managed to impale herself on at least three of them, while working the other two in her fists.
T’POL: Jump in, Captain. I shall instruct you.
ARCHER (stiffening): Wait, wait, NO NO! (spooges) Oh, damn.
T’POL: Oh, well. More for me.
PHLOX: No, wait, I’ll call Hoshi…
FADE OUT
I’m not cleanin’ this place up. Gets a hose yer’self.
No wait! Tha’ hose wuz’ tha’ cause o’ tha’ mess…
Stop!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
This place is a bigger mess than Haiti, but more fun.
69-Forward Cleanup assistance PSA:
ANNOUNCER: The situation in the 69-Forward Chat has worsened. Aftershocks of K/S and gay Archer Enterprise fics have blanketed the place. These famous people will now shill for your money, ’cause they ain’t giving up their own:
MERYL STREEP: The unfortunate victims of the sh*tstorm in 69-Forward need your help. Yes, you, hardworking everyman and -woman, they need your hard-won six-bucks-an-hour, ’cause ain’t giving up my millions.
MORGAN FREEMAN: F*ck off. I did my bit for Haiti. Where the f*ck’s my latte?
JULIA ROBERTS: Aren’t my lips so perky and cute? I can’t wait for AJ to write them into one of his stories.
SUSAN SARANDON: Keep my tits outta your stories and your grubby, K/S-writing paws off my money! Freaks!
ANNOUNCER: Well, that went well. G’night folks!
FADE OUT.
#562
Sorry, I seem top have missed that. It just looked to me like another chick lawyer busting my balls. Defenses automatically went up. Tell Ann she can have my business.
Speaking of business, that business about Phlox’s school of trouser trout put the unfortunate visual of Davey Jones from the Pirates of the Carribbean movies.
…..umm….in my head.
Sorry again. It’s Friday. I seem to be having a hard time finishing my
571:
…sentences.
……train of
thought you knew better!
Better than ever!
Phlox has five penises??
Wow! A glove must fit like a condom!
573
…thought.
Mine derailed years ago…
So, Denobulan Tiger can bang 60 women at once? Wow.
All-City High School Band + AP + too much homework + Jazz festival in two weeks + pressure to apply to ten million colleges/scholarships = no time for Trekmovie! D:
Hopefully I’ll have time for the biggest night of football ever Sunday, though! Gotta get through All-City first, though. I’m first chair, second part, of the Alto Saxes.
But if anyone’s interested, I have AIM now. My username is Kitausuret, so just shoot me a message if ya ever see I’m on.
And I’m working on a new Star Trek story. Hurrah. :D
Yay Star Trek stories! A serious one, or just for fun?
Everytime i try the chat it’s empty. Am I just doing it wrong? :)
#580 :: #580 :: Well, one’s kinda serious, one’s kinda… I just don’t know where I’m going with the other. xD I took some liberties, stuck it waaaaaay in the future (2550’s, yup, Enterprise-J era) and am trying to develop that universe. I tried drawing a concept of a future DS9 Station… and kinda failed, but whatever. I still am trying to work out Earth civilization (one story revolves around a family), technology, foreign relations, all that jazz.
(Speaking of, if anyone has any fabulous ideas on technology for five hundred years in the future, ‘cause a lot of you are really good with the minutia warp systems and all that stuff I never pay attention to, bring it on. Even if it sounds preposterous at first. )
#581 :: We come and go around here. Usually, a lot of us will just stay around long enough to type a reply and then go off to do whatever. Don’t take anything wrong by it. ;3
#582: No worries! I guess i figured the chat would be busier given how popular the site is generally.
AJ – - Yikes!! Please keep up posted.
BND:
Thanks.
:-)
Goodnight. Have a great weekend everyone.
kg
Nuts. Correction didn’t go through…
…keep US posted.
Sigh…
Night.
kg
It is very, very late. The Enterprise computer is “simulating night” throughout the ship (by turning off the lights) and the crew is asleep, because Romulans never attack between 11pm and 9am or on weekends. Kirk and Spock are huddled in a smoke-filled cabin, speaking in hushed tones.
Kirk: You can do this. You are my top aide. It’s your duty to protect your captain. How else will I make it to the presidency of the Federation council.
Spock: But, Jim. I do not wish to dissemble in this matter. David is your child. Besides, Carol is a handsome woman, in a milfy sort of way. You should mar –
Kirk: Ahhhh! We don’t use the m-word, Spock.
Spock: Then pay child support and acknowledge your parental duties. The crew has a right to know.
Kirk: The crew be damned. Having a kid would crimp my style.
Spock: But, these things never stay secret for long. There is a sex micro tape.
Kirk: I’ve taken care of that. I’ve pixilated my face. All we have to do is say it’s you!
Spock: Me?? You want me to pretend to have fathered David? But, that’s ridiculous. Even with the face blurred out, the fat human on the tape is shorter, has a teeny weinie, and wears black sox during sex. Vulcans do not wear sox during sex. If you make me do this, I’ll write a tell-all book.
Kirk: Are you going to mention in it the fact that we’ve been lovers for years? ‘Ooooh, Vulanians don’t wear socks during sex.’ But, you dress up in French Maid costumes.
Spock: You promised that would be our little secret.
Kirk: Quid pro Quo, Spockie.
Spock: Well… I guess I could teach David tennis. The sweaters are so sexy when they’re tied on like a cape.
Kirk: That’s the spirit, Spocko! Now, all I have to do is pick out some new hair. Hair is very important in politics.
Spock: I suppose this means you’ll be too busy running for Federation Council President to visit me.
Kirk: Nonsense, there’ll always be time for a little nookie between political bedfellows.
Spock: Good. But, um, can you take your socks off?
Unfortunately for Kirk, the truth came out when Carol Marcus leaked the story to the Nebula Enquirer. Kirk’s political ambitions crashed and burned like a nova. His hair, however, ran a successful campaign for Governor of Wriggly’s Pleasure Planet.
So, the “rug” ended up on top? What a surprise!!
The tennis sweater thing is friggin’ hilarious. I can just see old gay Spock shadowing Kirk’s son for his sphincter. You’re terrible, CmdrR!
AJ, I cannot get you on Meebo.! Nothing I write will enter!
Denise, same here! Meebo is kaput!
Somebody should tell Anthony. It should only take them three weeks to fix it!
Le Morte de Meebo.
At last!
Hopefully, any fix up will come with the removal of the censoring function. Just a thought.
“Le Morte de Meebo?”
After that little hiccup, I was in super-communion with the Chiquitas of Chat, for all the good it does me in this part of the world.
But, yes, Denise and Rose were on-line, and on-target. Always a treat to have a nice chat with the ladies…all by myself. “Rrowr!”
Uh Oh!
I had a story wink out of existence! It’s been a while!
Whatever.
The Chiquitas of Chat.
Yep, I’d like to peel me them bananas. Yowza!
Oops. I was channeling Harry for a second. God, you have no idea how painful that is.
“Chiquitas of chat”? Is that supposed to be a compliment of some kind?
595
“channeling Harry”
You wish, pal!
Hey, change the channel!!
596,
In this room, you bet it is!
Q: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
A: It’s a banana!!!
It is, in fact, a banana. However, I am also happy to see you. That would explain the SECOND rod in my pocket that is clearly not a banana.
It’s either a roll of quarters or a roll of Certs……you be the judge!
Crap. The electricity is out in my building (again), so I may not make the Meebo at 12pm.
I’m already bored, so I’ll suck the laptop/cellphone dry, and maybe things’ll pop back on.
And yes, rose, “Chiquitas of Chat” will be a compliment in this case. Has a ‘Cha-Cha’ feel to it.
Ah.
The lights are back on. Won’t test the elevator (10 floors down) until a few hours have past.
Hope I see some of you on the Meebo today. I’m off to South Russia tomorrow (Rostov, and Volgograd-former Stalingrad) and Moscow for the whole darn week. I’m like the Harvey Keitel character in “Pulp Fiction,” always traveling around ‘fixing’ things, but not one tenth as cool.
601:
Harry, don’t you go playin’ ’second banana’ to nobody.
This place is turning into Fruit of the Loons.
AJ
no worries, I don’t find the idea of being “second banana” ap-peel-ing at all!
Oh, and don’t fool yourself, you be COOL, dude!
God, this is terrible.
Harry: TOG offered you the second banana which is clearly not a banana at all. Peeling that one may prove risky, and quite un-ap-peeling, especially to TOG.
I appreciate you calling me ‘cool,’ but the reason I can’t get a quarter-pounder in Russia is not because I’m cool. It’s because they’ve got the metric system, and I have to get the Royale with Cheese.
Try not to go Pulp Fiction on their ass!
I’m driving down to Ottawa later this afternoon on business. Won’t be back until Tuesday night. Doubt I’ll be here much in between.
(sigh)
Drive safe, Harry!
Hi, everyone!
Seems to be a dead one, today, Super Bowl and all.
And Harry’s driving down to Ottawa. Yupper.
Guess it’s time for some K/S:
STAR TREK
Kirk: “Yeoman, cancel all my calls!”
Rand (comm): “What exactly does that mean, Captain?”
Kirk: “Yeoman? It means be vewy vewy quiet! I’m hunting Vulcan!”
Spock: “But I’m right here next to you”
Kirk: “You’re the Quinto Kid. Not Nimoy. Hmmm…Is Preparation H a good lube?”
Spock: “I prefer Crisco.”
Kirk: “Take the Preparation H! Take It! Oh yeah! Didja notice how it made your butt feel great? Even when you’re doin’ another guy in the butt?”
Series Cancelled,
So… I’m just trying to understand. CBS had the Super Bowl. And it used it as a lead-in to a show about a guy picking up trash?
AJ, your 610 show is too damn good for the Tiffany Network.
EXT – TATTOOINE CANYON – DAY
AJ lies unconscious on the ground. His latest K/S story lies nearby, with Chatpeople ransacking it. His small sexdroid, BN-D-R, has crammed himself into a crevasse in the rocks.
An earth- (or Tatooine-)shattering belch resounds through the canyon. The Chat people drop the latest K/S manuscript and flee in momentary terror.
A robed figure approaches, kneels beside AJ. A touch on the forehead, and one on the crotch, revives him. A SOUND makes the newcomer REACT.
BN-D-R (involuntarily, terrified): arrrrrrrr….?
The figure removes his hood. It is SPOCK PRIME.
SP: Hello there, my little friend. You need not fear me, for I am usually kind to sex aids. AJ here is the one with reason to fear me.
BN-D-R: Arrrr…..rrrr…?
SP: You know, I never thought of doing it that way. I’ll have to try that.
AJ ROUSES.
AJ: Ben? Ben Kenobi?
SP: The f*ck is Kenobi? I am Spock. Spock Prime.
AJ: No, this is wrong. You’re supposed to be this desert hermit, who used to be a legendary Jedi warrior.
SP: I was a scientist, a teacher, and later a diplomat. I was never a warrior, “Jed-eye”, as you put it, or otherwise.
BN-D-R: Arrrrr……Blattt..pffft….arrrr….!
AJ:(laughing) Right on, BND! Now he’s just a randy butthole surfer!
SP: Colloquially expressed, but essentially correct. (glances around nervously) We must be indoors, my boy. The Chatpeople are easily startled, but they will return, and in greater numbers. We cannot hope to withstand their critique of your work if that happens.
BN-D-R: Arrrrr….pffffttt…(belch)….arrrr….pfffftt!
AJ: Hey, it’s not that bad!
SP: Haste, young AJ.
BN-D-R: ARRRRR….PFFFTTT….SAX DUDE…..PPFFFFTT…..AARRRRRR!
AJ: OH, crap, THX!
WIPE DISSOLVE
EXT – CANYON FLOOR – DAY
Spock and AJ find THX-1138, a golden-skinned, (and earringed) protocol/musician droid at the bottom of a rockslide. His left arm is severed and lies nearby. His WAVE MOTION GUN, usually protruding from his metallic codpiece, is mangled and bent.
SP: The hell is that?
AJ: His wave motion gun. I think it’s the droid equivalent of a d*ck.
SP: Well, he ain’t getting that thing up for the foreseeable future.
THX (reviving): Speak for yourself, Gramps. The ladies luvs them some wave motion gun action! Hey! The f*ck’s my arm, man!?!
SP: Quickly son. They’re on the move!
WIPE DISSOLVE
TO BE CONTINUED (maybe)
That’s just hilarious. Please continue? Pretty please?
INT – SPOCK’S HUT
SP: Well, AJ, we got away from those Chatpeople. Now what?
AJ: I gotta repair this droid’s erm, appendages, before I get home, or my uncle will whip me.
SP (interested): Whips? Chains?
AJ: Yes, in the garage. Oilbaths, too.
SP: My oh my oh my. I have got to meet your family.
THX: Hey! remember me! My arm’s off and my d*ck’s all f*cked up. You gonna fix me or what?
AJ: Keep your nuts tight, droidboy. I’m workin’ on it. (To SP) The arm I can stick back on with epoxy and Jawa snot. But I can’t repair his WMG. It’s f*cked.
SP: Oh,that reminds me. I have something here for you.
Spock STANDS, begins rummaging inside his robe at crotch level.
AJ: Whoa! Dude! I am not into that sort of thing!
SP: Relax, Mary. It’s just this.
He HANDS AJ a long, cylindrical shape. It is fully functioning, gleaming metallic, beautifully-chromed WAVE MOTION GUN, of the exact model THX currently sports.
AJ/THX: The hell man?
SP: A gift from your father, AJ. He was quite the entrepreneur.
AJ: My pop? Sh*t no, he was just a pilot who delivered sex toys to underprivileged, bored housewives.
SP: So your Uncle, and Aunt, want you to think. He was an inventor, of various sixual aids and even dabbled in sexdroids. THX there was one of his creations. Your Aunt was one of his best customers.
AJ: My Aunt?
SP: Hell yes. Who do you think bought THX?
AJ REATTACHES the WMG to THX’s crotch. The droid SITS UP straighter at once.
THX: Oh YEAH, just like that! Twist it to the left OH YEAHHHH! GIGGITY!
THX subsides, shivering in perverted delight.
SP: Now that that’s out of the way, what’s with this other one?
AJ: BND? Oh, he ran away, saying something about having a message for this Obi-Wan character, who we have discovered is apparently you. Do you know who he’s talking about?
SP: He’s looking for Obi-Wan Kenobi. I’d say he’s found him. What’s the trip about this message? I don’t have messaging on my calling plan.
BN-D-R: Arrrrrr….pfffftt…….(Burp)……pfppfffffft…arrrrrrrrrr!
SP: Stroke your what? Where? Oh, here…
BN-D-R shudders in apparent mechanical enjoyment and begins to emit a holographic projection.
MCCOY (small, TV-staticky looking hologram): Spock! There you are, you pointy-eared fairy! Where have you been hiding? I have been trying to find you ever since the Preparation H incident. between you and Kirk Don’t tell me it hurt that bad! Well, I’m sure it–
MCCOY’s image and voice FAST-FORWARD rapidly. SP nonchalantly takes his hand away from BN-D-R’s dome.
MCCOY- –here goes. Years ago, you served Jim Kirk by bending over his bunk and taking one for the team. We all appreciate that and applaud you for that, but Kirk is missing now, but our spies tell us he’s working for this so-called Galactic Empire, whatever that is. We need you to find him and make him take one for us for a change. I have loaded his possible LNW’s along with a generous supply of Crisco into the memory and sexual aid systems of this D-R unit. Good hunting. And Spock? If you find him? Make him scream. Long and loud. See ya.
SP: You must come with me to find Kirk, AJ. He’s the Empire’s main villain, now, or some sh*t like that. We have to confront him. Make him pay.
AJ: Why me?
SP: Why not? Look, it was your K/S stories that inspired that madman’s reign of butthole terror in the first place. Way I see it, you owe the galaxy–and me–several favors.
AJ: Okay, fine. Just no sexual ones.
FADE OUT
Ah, shid, “sixual” indeed.
“Sexual”, even….
Yes, please do. I must really get my arm back. I have gigs to play.
614. Well, if we’re not paying attention to spelling, how ’bout sixty-nine-ual? It at least fits.
Good God, did I really just write that? You guys are starting to rub off on me. :O
616:
Next part. Swear to Gawd.
618:
Ohhh! (winces) Say”rub” and “me” in the same sentence in THIS room only at your peril….
‘Beach:
I am honored. Please write the sequel!
Make sure Shatner’s in the sequel, AJ. And Khan. And also no Khan. Gotta satisfy everyone.
Sorry. Meant, ‘Beach.
621:
The honor was mine, old friend.
622:
He’ll almost have to be, since at some point SP and AJ will go forth and actually find find Kirk (and I wasn’t thinking of Chris Pine when I wrote it). As for Khan, I dunno. We’ll have to see…
EXT – DESERT BLUFFS – AFTERNOON
SPOCK PRIME and AJ are perched on a cliff overlooking the desert town of Least Likely.
SP: Least Likely Sexport. You will ever find a least likely hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. Have you had all your shots?
AJ: I think so.
SP: Onward, then.
WIPE DISSOLVE
EXT – LEAST LIKELY STREET – AFTERNOON
AJ, being an urban farmer, has no ride, so they cruise into town on THX, who has MORPHED into a CHOPPER. AJ sits where the driver would, though the droid is self-motivating. BN-D-R is attached to one side, like a sidecar, with Spock perched precariously atop his dome. They creep along, stuck in traffic, until they reach a knot of Stormpoopers.
POOPER #1: How long have you had these droids?
AJ: Oh, Jesus, it seems like eons.
SP: They’re good in the sack, if you’re interested. (waves fingers) These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Those are.
POOPER #1 glances blank-eyed to the SUV next to THX, where a droid similar to BN-D-R a strapped to its roof. A CHROME version of a THX droid is driving. The vehicle jumps and vibrates with loud, hip-hop music.
POOPER #1: Those are the droids we’re looking for.
He MOTIONS to his comrades and they SURROUND the SUV. Spock urges THX to make a hasty retreat.
LAPSE DISSOLVE
EXT – CANTINA – CONTINUOUS
THX pulls up to a stop in front of a low-slung building, into and out of which move a steady stream of lowlifes, drunks ,whores, transvestites, and drag queens. In short, the elite of Least Likely Society.
AJ: Ugh. Jesus, Spocko, I feel like I need a VD shot just looking at the place.
SP: You might, AJ. Nonetheless, most of the better freighter pilots frequent this establishment. But, we must be cautious.
AJ: We must be out of our fugging minds to go into a place like this. (to droids) Wait outside, fellas.
LONG SHOT – THX MORPHS back to his humanoid shape as AJ and Spock enter the building.
CUT TO
INT – CANTINA
It is a murky, poorly-lit, skanky SEX CLUB, with all manner of various DEBAUCHERIES going on in various alcoves and corners. A band composed of DITH (The Bith from SW, but their heads look like d*cks) are jangling in a corner. Spock leads the way confidently into the crowd.
INT – BAR
Spock turns to talk to a towering individual with long hair covering his body. AJ creeps distastefully to the bar and orders a drink. Somebody suddenly bumps into him.
It is a green-mugged alien, protruding from whose mouth is what looks like a large, hairless SCROTUM. AJ QUAILS at the sight of it as the creature ASSAILS him in some unknown language. The thing’s PARTNER, an aged whore whose face sports WAY too much makeup for her age, sidles up to AJ.
AGED WHORE: She doesn’t like you.
AJ: Sorry.
AW: I don’t like you either. You should watch yourself, we’re wanted big. I have prostitution warrants on 12 systems.
AJ: I’ll be careful. And probably physically ill.
AW: You’ll be DEAD!
The aged whore pulls out a knife from her purse and lunges at AJ. Her ball-faced partner, surprisingly, tries to stop her, and takes the blade in his mouth-sack for it. He falls, screaming, as SPOCK steps up.
SP: Come, now, this little one isn’t worth the effort.
AW: Step off, bitch! He’s mine!
SP: Begone, crone!
Spock produces a blazing blue-bladed sword from his robes and knocks the whore’s wig off. She screams in shame and runs from the room.
SP (to AJ): Are you injured?
AJ: No. She didn’t have a chance to…What’s with Cousin It?
SP: Thelonius here is First Mate on a ship that might suit us. Come along.
TO BE CONTINUED…
How are they going to find Kirk? He’s dead, remember? Eh, whatever. I still wanna read. Please?
Oh me Crom! We’re due fur’ another white blast!
(That’s what she said)
And I just got over tha’ last white blast!
(That’s what she said)
Guess I’ll be stuck at home alone again watching re-runs o’ Tha’ Office…
(That’s what she didn’t want to say)
That show gets on me nerves it does… I have ta’ chuck this arm I found at tha’ telly… Tha’ arm makes a sorta brassy sound like tha’ intro ta’ “Baker Street”…
Arrrrrr….pfffftt…….(Burp)……pfppfffffft…arrrrrrrrrr!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
By tha’ boy… I wuz’ a bit flabbergasted at tha’ Colts yesterday… Not that I dunna’ like tha’ Saints, but Peyton has ta’ be tha’ best QB I’ve ever seen… Yet Brees outdid him with many a’several masterful passes and a stellar defense supportin’ his junk…
Aw well…
Me commercial didda’ not air!
ANNOUNCER: Imagine a world where chaos reigns…
BND: (sitting on couch scratching heads, eating out of a jar) Awwwwwwk! This nutter butter tastes less like butter and more a’like nuts!
ANNOUNCER: Imagine a world where you are trapped within your own construct of reality…
BND: (trying to buy a car) So, salesman bloke… does this car come wit’ squirrels and kippers in tha’ handbox?
ANNOUNCER: Imagine a world without pants…
BND: Awwwwwwwk! Dockers had an ad like that! I be screwie-ed! Oh, by tha’ by, what am I be sellin’?
ANNOUNCER: Toaster Tarts.
BND: Oh, I see. I, uh… put ‘em in tha’ incorrect area ta’ cook…
And now back to the Super Bowl…
PHIL SIMMS: Brees is back to pass, here come the Colts on blitz but there’s a man open in the flat waving his arms and… uhhhhh… is that receiver wearing just the top of a sailor’s suit?
BND: Buy me BND Brand Toaster Tarts! Buy me…. OOOOOOF! That futball hurts me nutter butter!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
INT – CANTINA
Our heroes are led to a table in the back by the big dude, Thelonius, who introduces them to his partner.
PILOT: KHAN SOLO, captain of the BOTANY BAY. Thelonius tells me that you are seeking passage to the Alderaan System. Perhaps it is some kind of, shall we say, local trouble?
SP: Let’s just say we would like to avoid any, Imperial entanglements. (sips drink, pulls a face) And skip out on the bar bill. This is heinous.
KHAN: Well, therein lies the rub, does it not? What is your cargo?
SP: Just passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and No. Questions. Asked.
KHAN: That is the real trick, isn’t it? (voice takes on dreamlike quality) On Earth, two hundred years ago, I was a prince, with power over–Hey!
THELONIUS cuffs the back of his head.
THELONIOUS: Look, Assh*le, lay off all the heavy Shakespeare sh*t. You’re on Tatooine, in a bar, hiring a charter. You’re from Cleveland, not an exiled superhuman prince or whatever. Jesus. (to SP and AJ) Sorry, He gets this way when he’s off his meds.
KHAN: Alright, alright. Stop hitting me, you furry oaf. As I said, that is the trick. Cost you something extra. As will the Corinthian leather on my ship. Ten thousand. Up front. Cash and carry.
AJ: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that!
KHAN: But who would fly it, boy? You?
AJ: Sure, I’m not such a bad pilot–
SP: Gentlemen! Cease! Look, Khan, we can give you 2,000 now, plus fifteen and a sloppy BJ on Alderaan when we get there. Deal or no deal?
KHAN: Seventeen, huh? And I thought the others in this bar were desperate. Alright, Old One, you have yourselves a ship. We will leave as soon as you’re ready, Docking Bay CA-6.
LAPSE DISSOLVE
EXT – LEAST LIKELY INNER CITY – LATER
Spock RISES from his knees, wiping his chin, and receives the promised 2,000 from his client.
AJ: Dude, I cannot believe you just did that.
SP: Whatever is necessary, AJ; Remember that. Come along.
LAPSE DISSOLVE
EXT – ROW OF DOCKING BAYS – CITY SECTION.
Spock, AJ, THX, and BN-D-R are moving from gate to gate, looking for the BOTANY BAY’s docking bay.
SP: Now, what number did that pilot say his ship was in?
AJ: Six, I think. This way. (counting) Four. Five. What? Seven? Eight? The hell? How did we get into Beta Section?
Khan APPEARS, from a door AJ missed.
KHAN: This is City, Alpha Five!
AJ: Oh. Alright, then.
CUT TO
INT – DOCKING BAY CITY-A-5.
AJ and Spock see the BOTANY BAY for the first time. Flat, saucer shaped, with two big mandibles out front, and a big barrel of a cockpit jammed on one side.
AJ: What a piece of sh*t! Looks like a busted diaphragm!
KHAN: She’ll make point five factors past warp speed. But alas, we are a bit rushed. Get your asses aboard.
They make their way towards the ships boarding ramp when the Squad of STORMPOOPERS from the street burst in, guns blazing.
POOPER #1: Stop them! Blast that ship!
Our heroes don’t move with any hurry, since the Poopers seem incapable of hitting anything.
KHAN: Thelonius, if you please!
CUT TO
EXT – DOCKING BAY CT-A-5 – HIGH SHOT
The BOTANY BAY lifts into the air above the bay and takes to the sky, rapidly disappearing.
WIPE DISSOLVE
EXT SPACE – TATTOOINE ORBIT
BAY breaks atmosphere, and rather quickly is ACCOSTED by two big wedge-shaped IMPERIAL CRUISERS.
INT – BOTANY BAY COCKPIT
AJ: Those big cruisers are closing in, Khan.
KHAN: I see that, boy. Those are the big bulk Corinthian jobs. You boys must be hotter than I thought. Do not fear. We will lose them.
AJ: I don’t see how.
KHAN: Watch and learn, young one. Thelonius, engage cloaking device.
Thelonius PULLS a switch.
QUICK CUT
EXT – SPACE
A huge PAIR of GROUCHO GLASSES, complete with big nose and moustache, unfold out of the hull and drop into place on the front of the ship. The Imperial cruisers hover a moment, noses moving as if sniffing, then move on.
BACK TO
INT – BOTANY BAY COCKPIT
KHAN and THELONIUS visibly relax.
KHAN: Fooled them. See? Ye of little faith.
SP: In my experience, there is no such thing as faith. Only blind luck.
AJ: Yeah. As in, you got lucky Imperial Troopers are STOOPID.
KHAN: Be that as it may, I promised to get you past the blockade, and I have done so. Thelonius, prepare to alter course.
THELONIUS (rolls eyes): Khan, you superhuman is showing again!
KHAN: What? Sorry. Just set a course for Alderaan.
CUT TO
EXT SPACE
BOTANY BAY VANISHES into hyperspace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
‘Beach, great work.
Does this version include George Lucas’ decades-late screw-overs, erm do-overs?
I know I’m getting REALLY punchy these days… but, isn’t this job posting about a century-and-a-half-early?
Posting
Job Title Teleport Engineer
TimeWarner
Location United States – Georgia – Atlanta
Requisition # 116684BR
Position
Type Full Time
Posting Job Description Qualifications: 3 to 5 years of experience working as a maintenance engineer in a
earth station and/or broadcast facility.
3 to 5 years experience working with RF, high voltage, emergency power systems and high power RF amplifiers.
Two to four year technical degree, electronics related (or equivalent education/experience/training). Excellent customer services skills with attention to detail.
Beach!!! It’s so amazing!!! :D It’s way better than the failed attempt at a Star Trek – Star Wars crossover I started last year, hahaha.
Absolutely hysterical. And it features one of our own — AJ. Fabulous work. I can’t wait to read more. (Darn cliffhangers.)
Hey gang. Quick question for those playing STO. Does the game include damage modelling on the ships?
#632
Whaddya mean “one” of our own? I play the car.
#634 :: You know what I meant, lots of our own. My brain is just dead. Ahaaaaa.
I feel like such a jerk. I totally ranted off on the “Going Boldly, or Barely Going?” thread. They should have a delete button on these boards, eheh… I guess I just get mad when I get the impression people are being totally closed-minded and selfish.
I was born to be a politician/social activist, I guess. I just can’t help myself sometimes!
…On with the awesomeness.
Thanks, all, for your support of this little epic.
Goes to show you what comes of slow day at work combined with lack of sleep.
More to come.
As far as Lucas’ late-to-the-game “redo’s”, that part’s all in the imagination of the reader…
CmdrR- Bear in mind that the Rick and Bubba Show calls their home studio a “Teleport” so that job losting may have some validity to it…
EXT SPACE
The DEATH STAR. ‘Nuff said.
INT – DEATH STAR MAIN DECK
GOVERNER HARRAMIS BALLZ and TIBERIUS VADER, who is cloaked and hooded and not as tall and doesn’t wheeze like an asthmatic, observe the planet ALDERAAN on the big 2000 inch 1080i viewscreen.
BALLZ: Great definition on that planet, eh, Vader?
VADER: Oh, yes. Now we’ll be able to clearly see it when the Death Star sh*ts all over the planet.
A SQUAD of POOPERS enters, all but dragging PRINCESS DENISE DE ARMAN in their midst.
They place Denise before Ballz and withdraw.
DdA: Governor Ballz. I should have expected to find you hanging around here. Did Vader’s leash get wrapped around you? I’ve heard how much that can hurt.
GHB: Obnoxious, from the start. Princess Arman, you don’t know how difficult it was signing the–
DdA: That’s DE Arman, assh*le. Princess DE Arman.
GHB: Princess DE Arman, is it? Perhaps you’ll think less highly of yourself when you watch this battle station Destroy your pesky little homeworld.
DdA: What?
GHB: Oh, did I let something slip? Oh, Vader, how could I have been so careless?
Vader: It’s a fault of yours, I’m afraid.
GHB: Shut it. As I was saying, Princess Denise DE fugging Arman, I found it difficult to sign the order terminating your miserable life. But perhaps we can be of service to each other?
DdA: Depends. Are you gonna leave your socks on?
Vader BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.
GHB: Not what I meant, Princess. Not at all what I meant.
DdA: then get to the fugging point, little man! Time is money!
GHB: I meant, Princess, that in exchange for the location of the rebel base, I will spare your planet and perhaps something more.
Vader (warningly): Ballz. Draw yourself up!
DdA: Look, dude, I’m cheap but I ain’t easy. I’m also not stupid. Go ahead, blow the planet up, ‘cos we both know you’re gonna do it anyway. (To Vader) He always like this?
Vader: Most of the time. It’s a hobby of his.
GHB: Very well. Where is the rebel base?
DdA: They’re not on Dantooine. Definitely not on Dantooine. Don’t look there.
GHB: There, you see, Lord Vader? She can be a difficult POTFA after all. (generally, as in giving orders) You may continue with the operation, you may fire when ready.
DdA/Vader: See? Told ya!
CUT TO
EXT SPACE
The Death Star zeroes in on Alderaan. It’s big TURBOLASER dish aligns itself, then BEAM OF creamy white LIGHT LEAPS out and destroys the planet.
CUT TO
INT – BOTANY BAY – SIMULTANEOUS
SPOCK clutches his chest and sits down abruptly.
AJ: What’s up?
SP: I sense a great disturbance.
AJ: Like millions of voices suddenly cried out and then died?
SP LEANS to one side, and RIPS OFF A LOUD FART.
SP: Nah. We had chili for lunch. Carry on.
Off to one side, THELONIUS and the DROIDS are playing a game. It resembles MONOPOLY. BN-D-R reaches out a manipulator and hits a button. Several PROPERTIES on the board change color and grow HOTELS.
THELONIUS: The fuck dude?
THX: Fair move, my man. Bitching about it won’t help.
KHAN: Let him have it. Few people piss of Thelonius Beach and live to tell the tale.
THX: But who worries about pissing off a droid?
KHAN: That is because a droid won’t reach down your mechanical throat and rip off your mechanical wave motion gun, from the inside.
THX PALES, if that’s possible, leans towards his counterpart.
THX: New take, little dude. Let Master Beach win.
BN-D-R: Arrrrr….Pffftt…buncha crap!…Pffftt…Arrrrrrrr.
THX: Fine, let him rip your innards out.
KHAN: I told you we’d lose those Imperial what’s-its.
AJ is busily writing. Spock is reading THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. Neither is paying attention.
KHAN: Don’t everyone thank me at once. You task me. You task me, and I shall–
THELONIUS (offscreen): Khan!
KHAN: Oh, sorry. We’ll be at ALDERAAN in twenty minutes.
AJ hands Spock a manuscript. Spock peruses it, chuckling here and there.
SP: That’s funny, AJ! But I never did that. That was McCoy. And Kirk wouldn’t sound like that.
AJ: What about Scotty?
SP: Him, you nailed. Just like half the crew did.
An ALARM SOUNDS.
KHAN: Looks like we have arrived at Alderaan.
He and THELONIUS EXIT.
AJ: Did my writing improve?
SP: Not so much. But look at it this way. You’ve taken your first step, in the steaming pile that is internet fan fiction.
TO BE CONTINUED
636- Just my tired neurons, then. Sounded like Scotty was getting a job.
OOOPS!
Forgot to self-censor.
Line should have been:
THELONIUS: The f*ck dude?…
I know among us nobody cares, but this is a family site, after all.
Oh, well, there you have it, CmdrR!
I pulled a George Lucas!
I went back and corrected something in the original release!
Just bought my Photo Op ticket to the Trek Convention in Chicago in October… Nimoy! I also bought a new uniform shirt in Blue for that! LOL… I wonder when the general admission tickets go on sale…
Good for you Duncan! Nimoy actually has many appearances coming up, one of which is the Chicago con. Have fun!
Oh good Lord.
Typonians run amok.
“…KHAN: Let him have it. Few people piss of Thelonius Beach and live to tell the tale…”
Piss off, anyone?
642:
Denise, you’ve been cast in the latest installment. See above…
Where was I cast?
Oh, yeah, you haven’t been around. I started a re-script of the first SW movie, with various Chatters in various roles, just to amuse you guys. It’s in five parts so far, in Posts 612, 614, 625, 629, and 637 above
You’re in the first part of #637. Along with Harry, of course.
Me pants arrrrrr ready fur’ me close-up, Mr. DeMille…
Awwwwwwk! They reeek o’ Soiled-on-me Brandy!
Sorry ‘Beach… me bunakeerees be all ablaze in white powdery yukk.
Sorry gents and genitalessess, but I think tha’ snow is makin’ me crazed…. I mean I have gone bonkeroos real-like! And it be not boneriffic.
So here’s some o’ Nick Cave…
“I waved to my neighbour
My neighbour waved to me
But my neighbour
Is my enemy
I kept waving my arms
Till I could not see
Under fifteen feet of pure white snow
Is anybody
Out there please?
It’s too quiet in here
And I’m beginning to freeze
I’ve got icicles hanging
From my knees
Under fifteen feet of pure white snow”
Crom! I hate them watery bungy-suckers that post lyrics o’ songs in chattie forums! What be wrong wit’ them? Canna’ they not come up with somethin’ original-like?
So here’s Gustav Mahler’s Songs o’ Tha’ Earth…
“Ba doo goo
Goo good, goo good
Goo stacky sticky stuck
ba da dee oooo
If Life is a dream, why all this work and worry?
I drink all day, till I can drink no more! Then I roll home and sleep. When I wake, a bird is singing, and I ask him if Spring has come.
Yes! he replies, it came last night, and he sings and laughs, and I listen in wonder. And I fill my cup and drain it, and sing till the moon fills the night sky, and fall asleep again.
What do I care if it Spring? Just let me be drunk!”
I think I need ta’ go ta’ both AA and AAA… stop me drinkin’ and get help towin’ me car outta’ tha’ snowbank… I did make me a golden deposit in that bloody bank! So, watch oot’ whar’ tha’ huskie go and dunna’ eat that yeller’ snow and…
Floobyshakes!… I be so unoriginal ta’day…
Oh…. uhhhhhhh… does I have ta’ relate this all ta’ Starry Trek? Iffa’ so, I choose tha’ wookie…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
BND you remind me of that dude in Blazing Saddles whom nobody could understand.
My, what a wonderful series!
Christine, give my credit to ‘Beach. I am now a property.
Here’s something gross to consider from real life: I was talking to a colleague about how Russians chase vodka shots when they have no drinks or food available.
I remembered once or twice or thrice chasing vodka shots with hits from cigarettes (please forgive me, I was only 35-42). My new colleague suggested the apparently commonly practiced option, in the absence of cigarettes, food, and drink, is to chase one’s vodka shot with a deep inhale of your drinking buddy’s scalp odor, I Schlitz you not. Considering the preponderance of fur-based winter hats and lack of daily showering here, that is a salty snack NOT worth trying. I cannot make this stuff up at all.
Do not attempt to rescue me. I am fine. Meebo will be tough for a few days, but I’ll pop in as often as I can!
I am offline for a few days on the road. I am NOT sniffing scalps. NO one is sniffing mine.
I’m sorry, AJ, what were you saying? I was huffing Shat’s toupee and I just blacked out for awhile. Hi, everyone. Ooooh. I feel funnnnnnnyyyyyy……
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
I once huffed Shat’s toupee and woke up in Atlantic City three months later.
So how’s everyone doing? I admit, I’m lazy enough not to read everything above. It’s on my “to do” list.
Denise, after my Toupee Trip, I think you still have my pants and/or wallet. Confirm?
Snow Crazies Part 2: The Snow Of Khan…
or… a SnowKhan… yummy… except tha’ yellow flavor… tastes salty-like…
Been carryin’ ’round me a pillow thinkin’ it be a child and singin’:
Oh, me big baby wants its milk
Me big baby likes tha’ silk
Tried ta’ give it a swig o’ gin
Told me, “Papa, that be a sin!”
Gotta keep big baby all alive
So it’ll support me when I be 69…
Then a mustachioed Yeti attacked me…
Oh, that Snow Beast spat upon me porch
Coulda’ not scare it off wit’ even wit’ a torch
Carried me ta’ an olde ice cave
Took me lighty-saber ta’ get away
But not afore me pants it did a’fray
And then I saw Mommy kissin’ Spock…
Ran away from a case o’ giant crabs
Just like Chrissy Pine hadda’ did
Right inta’ a cave full o’ sunken skin flabs
And I saw Spockie Prime and Minor Pine
Touchin’ each other in all thar’ flabs…
And then I realized I had been drinkin’ since noon, but mistaken me tap water fur’ gin… Somehow, it had tha’ same effect… think I should call tha’ county aboot’ that?
BND went snow blind
As soon as he saw
Spock’s wrinkled behind
But then Oh Wonder and Oh Joy!
Because he saw tha’ finest kind
In 100 year olde’ Rand’s parts that wind
And somehow I should be a’booted from here…
Lost me mind… Think I shatnered it oot’ last night… Call tha’ plumber!!!!!
And that bloody Sting album aboot’ winter dunna’ help!!!!!!
(BND runs and hides while painting hats on Picassos… but on the wrong ends of the figures in the portraits… and not choosing the correct house to do it in -pick-casa and picard-)
ARCHER: At least I’m not as unwatchable as BND these days.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I posted this here in tha’ MI 4 thread…
Uhhhhhhhhh…
Ok… here’s how it be goin’ in pre-reproduction:
TOM CRUISE: Oh, I’m a big fat muffin that loves to eat
I’m a big fat muffin that has no feet
But most of all
I’m a big fat muffin that loooooooooooves to explode. (And then I do.)
JJ: Uhhhhhh… Tom…. You don’t have to audition for this part. I mean, you have it. Hey, uh, didn’t you steal that scene from a “WKRP” script?
TOM CRUISE: You’re glib, JJ. You’re glib.
BND: Arrrrrrrrr… So, iffa’ I put this explodin’ message on me bom and then light tha’ fuse whilst goin’ “dum dum dum DUM DUM dum dum dum DUM DUM” do I getta’ tha’ part? Ohhhhhh… me burnin’ bom!
TOM CRUISE: I feel the need… the need to walk away from this.
JJ: Gawd… I should forget about this MI film and just go make Star Trek 2…
BND: Tha’ Wrath O’ Khan?!!!!! Oh, I be meanin’ ta’ see that! Iffa’ I have ta’ wait until 2012, tha’ world may not be here though. Mayan it be, Mayan it not be… Que sera, sera… whatever ‘ill be ‘ill be, could marry a chimpanzee… see Chris Pine stealin’ me oak tree… (like tha’ man needs more wood)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
How come Spock Prime ain’t in tha’ JJ MI films?
Sorry- I have been quites selfish not ak-kown-in ye’all… I’m snow mad! I yam what I yam!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
SPOCK: A glimpse into one man’s insanity can be quite fascinating. Oh, and I suppose I am quite obliged to say “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…”
However, my bottom is not that wrinkled. See for yourself and ignore the ‘JTK’ target painted upon it. Oh, and it appears that I am obliged again to end this diatribe by speaking the non-sequitur vocalization of “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…”
Beach
I like how you put Denise and myself in a tense scene together….GROWRR!
Sometimes it’s best not to comment here.
Oops…….
Dang!!!
I agree.
Double dang!!
I re-agree.
Triple a’dang!!!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Quad-dang-it!
655
Glad you like it, Harry. But you do realize what character you’re “playing”, and what happens to him?
Give ya a hint:
Ker-BOOOOOOMMMMMMM (tinkle, tinkle)
I’d try ta’ top ‘Beach wit’ another a’dang, but I canna’ count that high.
Guess that be why aftar tha’ “Starry Trek 3″, I referred ta’ films based on Shatner’s hairstyle… and tha’ number o’ times Spock wore his hotel robe…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Quinto-dang?
Kinda reminds me of a couple of friends of mine that have jazz group in Rochester NY called “Quintopus”. It’s an intersting visual. Is there really such a creature that has multiple orofices? Would she be a good match for Dr. Phlox? Or would this just be wishful thinking for Alterna-Spock?
660
No worries, Beach! Whenever I interact with Denise I always assume that I’ll be going “Ker-BOOOOOOMMMMMM” by the end of our encounter!
If this were a Trek episode, I would call it Encounter at Grind-point!
663
She’d grind your dinkus to a fine point and you to a very fine powder, but what a way to go!
Yeah, by the time she’s finished with me………
well, hey, you can never put “too fine a point” on these things!
Harry already knows how to needle the ladies.
This from a guy who, when finished having sex, has the girl turn to him and ask, “what the hell was THAT??!! I’ve taken longer to get vaccinated!!”
Vaccination or sex… one prick and it’s over.
Just like the last time I went to the dentist. He had to freeze me and just as he’s about to stick the needle in my mouth, he says, “now, you’re going to feel a little prick in your mouth”
I said, “gee, doc, aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?”
How was Ottawa, Harry?
Harry, did you rinse and spit… or…?
OK, enough. That’s rapidly morphing into K/S/HB.
AJ
Ottawa was good! The drive there and back is boring as hell, but I made some good coin, had some good meals and worked with some nice people!
How is Russia and POLAND treating you?
671;
If you insist…
STAR TREK XVII
INT SPOCK’S QUARTERS
SPOCK: I am about to initiate the penetration, James.
KIRK: Fire away, Spocko.
SPOCK (grunting): You are amazingly tight tonight, James.
KIRK: What? What are you talking about? Usually you have to use a safety harness so you won’t fall in.
SPOCK: Then who…?
HARRY BALLZ: Moooooon Rivvverrrrrrrrr!!!!
Hey, what the?????
Why I oughtta……….BANG, ZOOM!!!!!
674:
Why, I oughtta – wha?
That’ll teach you to stumble into strange rooms inna dark, it will!
And yet another disturbing step has been taken. And a visual that may never be erased from my mind.
And trust me. I’m a musician. I know about mind erasing.
Harry:
I went to Poland to begin legal proceedings with that person, who seems to have run away with my house. Poland is not a joy-ride at all. Pow! Right in the kisser!
As for Russia, I am living in hotels and airplanes, and hoping I have a longer shot with this company, which, at present, is looking good.
676:
Nah. Just comfort yourself that the above scene took place in Spock’s DARKENED quarters, hence Spock’s going in through the wrong door of the wrong building, as it were.
AJ
run away with your house?? Wow, she must be pretty strong!
Seriously, I’m sorry to hear that.
Kirk: “push harder!”
Spock: “I AM!”
Kirk: (muttering) “needledick!”
Spock: “what was that??”
Kirk: “err, I said “please be quick!’”
Spock: “that’s NOT what you said!”
Kirk: “damn Vulcan ears!”
FIN
Comforting myself is rather difficult after so much mind erasing activity. But thanks.
At least I pose no danger to anyone.
Q: How can you tell when your mind-erasing activities have gone too far?
A: When you read a stop sign and your lips move.
#683
No driving after mind erasing.
I’ll try and remember that!
D’OH!!
AdmrR today took her oath of citizenship, with EnsR (already a citizen, thank you very much) clinging to her leg.
USA: +1
China: -1
Harry, I hear we even take Canaderans, though don’t ask me why. You just gotta ‘abjure’ some dude named Prince Potentate. Then Lee Greenwood comes out and sticks his tongue in your ear. What’s that worth to ya?
Sounds about as tempting as looking at nude photos of Bea Arthur!
687:
Please! I’m trying to eat my breakfast!
God’ll get you for that, Harry.
RIP, BA aka Maude.
Hey, I thought The Golden Girls was a GREAT show in it’s time! I still watch the reruns and laugh my ass off! I just thought it made for an interesting visual to prove my point! Using Whoopi Goldberg’s name would have worked just as well!
Truthfully, the writing and timing on that show were impeccable. It really is a very funny show. And Bea Arthur’s Dorothy was completely different from her Maude, yet both characters were true television icons and very, very funny..
You know I always kidz.
And don’t forget Femputer!
Meanwhile, back in Hotlanta… it’s snowing like when Harry combs out his pubes.
That would make them…….wait for it…………snowballz?
Do you notice that the womens haven’t written anything in 50 posts?
Do you think it was everything we said?
Everything we said, anything we said……fault can always be assigned!
C’est la vie!!
#694 :: There hasn’t been much I can intelligently respond to without sounding like an idiotic, stereotypical teenager.
(But I can’t speak for the other gals. ;3)
Christine,
Here are some sample responses you may feel free to use:
a) Mommy, this thread smells like tinkle. And why does that sailor have no underpants?
b) ‘Beach, your clever allusions to Proust allow me to use your SW opus for Honors English credit.
c) Thank you for that post, Harry. I usually have to travel to the downtown bus station ladies room to find such fine poetry.
d) Shut the hell up, CmdrR.
In fact, Christine, no response in here is verboten. You are far from idiotic and your posts are highly welcome.
There once was a girl named Christine
Who read naughty poems in a latrine
She found them really quite funny
In fact, they made her feel sunny
She said that she found them quite keen!
(There! Clean enough for everyone?? Bet some of you were worried when you first started reading!) :>)
Man, it’s quiet here.
694. Well…I feel like anything I say will sound weird or out of place or SOMETHING, so I generally like to just sit back and watch.
Well, both of the PCs in my house have been hit with nasty viruses, so I went out and bought a laptop just so I could come here and comment on the goings on. After reading the most recent posts, I can only shake my head and retreat to the girls’ bathroom to write on the latrine wall…
Make sure you spell my name right, D.
#697 :: I have no idea where the bus station is. Besides, MAT buses are gross.
#698 :: I read a lot of things on the walls in the school stalls, but never any witty/humourous/”naughty” poems. Mainly people’s names and sometimes a year.
But I’m flattered to be the subject of one of your poems.
703
Ooooh, goody! Thanks!
701. I don’t blame ya, honey. But you gotta admit, it is kind of fun to watch as they clearly deteriorate into insanity. Not that I’m really one to talk about insanity, but still.
Sanity is highly overrated!
Happy Chinese New Years, everyone!
May you have a prosperous Year of the Tiger.
Great! Now I’ll never get that “Eye of the Tiger” tune out of my head!
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters 0130
Kirk: “I dunno, Spock. Today it tastes more like salty black licorice, and old Earth delicacy. Not as sweet as it usually is…”
Spock: “Yesterday you said it tasted like ’sugary watered-down dog shit.’ ”
Kirk: “Spock, I didn’t blow you yesterday. That..that was, you know, the other thing.”
Spock: “The other…thing? Captain?”
Kirk: “Spock….when I licked your…”
Spock: “Ah, yes! The ‘rim-job.’ ”
Kirk: “Is that all you’ve got to say? What about my performance?”
Spock: “Adequate. As ever, Captain, you do show promise as a Vulcan’s ship-whore. Yet, you have much to learn.”
Kirk: “I take ‘adequate’ as a compliment, coming from you.”
Spock: “That is wise. Now for the next 20 minutes, as you say, ‘let’s put that pie-hole of yours to work.’ ”
FIN
Wow! Totally dead today!
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters 0200
Kirk: “You know, Spock? I love these slow relaxing times, like now, when nothing is happening…”
Spock: “Except for my ten inches buried deep within your rectum, you would be correct.”
Kirk: “Wow. I guess it’s time for some reconstructive surgery. I can’t feel a thing.”
Spock: “Nor can I.”
Scott: “I’m in at least 8 inches meself! It feels like the god-damned Mersey Tunnel!”
FIN
AJ
Wow! You really know how to warm the Trek ladies hearts for Valentine’s Day!
You old smoothie, you!
Wow.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all, too.
I’m pretty sure Saint Valentine is spinning in his grave. Either that, or rolling in laughter. Or both.
712:
Hopefully both, Christine,
None of us gets anywhere without a sense of humor these days.
2/14/2259
Uhura: Why, thank you Spock my love. But, I’ve never seen a box of Valentine’s Day chocolates shaped like…
Spock: A penis. The confection’s configuration is only logical, since the Vulcan heart, while being located ‘here’ (punches his lower abdomen) is shaped like a penis. In fact, the Vulcan liver, spleen, and bladder are all phallus-shaped. As is the penis, of course.
Uhura: (Opening the box) Well, it’s a box of c**ks. How… um… nice. (Eats one.) Hermpphh. You’re gonna tell me next that these aren’t exactly what I know as chocolate, aren’t you?
Spock: Your surmise is correct, Lieutenant.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Later, on the bridge…
Kirk: Spock, Valentine’s is a day for doing more than simply giving material gifts. There’s a human, emotional element to it. It requires, I’m sorry to tell you, an emotional disposition.
Spock: That is why I have gotten you *this*, Captain.
The turbo-lift whooshes open and out steps Madonna. She gets no lines, because she’s a stinky actress.
Spock: I know of your fondness for antiques, Jim.
Sulu: (eyeing the Menopausal Material Girl) Those mudflaps’ll look great on the nacelles.
McCoy: (eyeing Spock) Green-blooded hob-gobblin doesn’t know anything about Valentine’s Day. And his damned chocolate candies taste like ass.
Uhura: Tell me about it.
still later in the ladies sauna…
Uhura: Christine, that’s lovely. A nice heart shape. Is that for Spock?
Christine: No. It’s for Pavel. I’ll either straighten out his v’s and w’s or leave him a stuttering mess.
Uhura: Hmm. Either could be fun.
Christine: And what’s yours for?
Uhura: Mine’s for Spock. I didn’t have much luck with Valentine’s, so I’m moving on to Mardi Gras.
*rim shot*
and finally, 2345 hours, Sickbay.
McCoy: Chief Medical Officer’s Log. I am issuing shipwide guidelines for conduct on future holidays. Today, Sulu injured three crewmen while play Cupid with real arrows, Uhura is recovering from food color poisoning to her woo woo, Spock — don’t even ask, and Scotty is on forced bedrest until he promises to dismantle his orgasmatron or at least not hook it to the warp engines.
Nancy: Sounds like you’ve had a rough day. How about a drink? I could use something… salty.
McCoy: I have just the prescription. Let me show you why they changed my nickname from ‘Plum’ to *zzzzzzzzip* ‘Bones.’
And that is my final Valentine’s to all… until next year.
Lord, it’s slow in here. You must all be boinking in front of the Canaderan Olympics. Is the mascot blue, or did it just freeze to death?
Don’t ask me about the Olympics. The Super Bowl could capture my attention better, and that’s saying something.
But, I love the fics! Hilarious. Do we really have to wait another year for more?
Went to see the movie It’s Complicated tonight……..cute!
‘course, Streep’s great in everything!
Well, I am flying today to Khabarovsk, over 5,000 miles east of St. Petersburg, and 15 hours ahead of east coast time. Mid-week, I’ll take an overnight train south to Vladivostok, and fly back Friday. It’s all close to the border with China and Vladivostok is quite close to North Korea.
Hopefully, I’ll be in touch with you fine folks “from the other side.”
Saw “The Hurt Locker.” I kinda now suspect its on the Oscar list for political reasons. Basically, it shows how war sucks, America doesn’t know what it’s doing in Iraq, etc. etc. I agree with the sentiment, but I’m not really sure it makes a good movie. The characters are pretty 2-dimentional messed-up or confused soldier types. The bomb sequences (and there are a ton of ‘em) are tense. The direction is excellent as is the dialogue. But, overall it feels like it’s missing something. The last ten minutes turns to pure melodrama, but there’s no sense of revelation, like in Platoon. In short: If they don’t speak english, stay out of their country. Got it.
Thoughts? Opinions?
Haven’t seen it.
Reviews I read said that most veterans that had seen it were put out by the complete lack of military realism.
Whatever…
LIghts are on.
Coffee pot’s on.
Mugs are steaming…
Unfinished chess game on the table.
Food’s still warm.
Weird.
Nobody’s home…
INT – DEATH STAR DOCKING BAY
The BOTANY BAY has been captured. She sits surrounded by Stormpoopers, droids, maintenance persons, and the aftermath of one hell of a kegger.
Apparently one of the Poopers had his bachelor party last night, but we digress…
VADER saunters up.
VADER: What’s the deal?
DECK OFFICER: No one on board, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned. P*ssies.
VADER: Any droids?
D.O.: No sir. They must also have fled. Chicken sh*ts.
VADER: Send a crew aboard to do that scan thingy.
D.O.: Yessir, Boss.
Vader moves to EXIT, hesitates.
VADER: I smell something. An odor I have not senses since…..
He trails off, EXITS finally.
D.O.: Get a scanning crew in here. On the double.
CUT TO
INT – BOTANY BAY CORRIDOR
Two STORMPOOPERS meet after approaching from opposite directions in the circular main corridor. They EXIT down the BOARDING RAMP.
PAN DOWN, to the floor. It consists of segments about a meter long, the width of the corridor. TWO PANELS POP up, revealing our heroes.
KHAN: I am not sure your heart is still in this, Old One.
AJ (Blowing out held-too-long breath) No, but his assh*le sure is.
SPOCK PRIME: I get nervous I get flatulent. Sue me.
AJ: Oh, please. Whew! (to Khan) Good thing you built these secret compartments.
KHAN: I use them for smuggling, but I never thought I’d smuggle myself in them.
He rubs Thelonius’ head as the big guy emerges.
THELONIUS: Hands off, Laserbrain.
KHAN: So now what happens. Even if we could get spaceborne again, there is still that tractor beam…
SP: Leave that to me.
KHAN: I was afraid you would say such. How to you propose to–
BANGING and CLANGING from the foot of the ramp.
Khan MOTIONS to Thelonius and THX, a finger to his lips. The droid and the big guy join him, waving his fingers in front of his nose. Spock looks offended.
The SCAN CREW and their THINGY appear. Thelonius and THX thump them senseless and drag them off out of sight.
Khan peeks around the open hatch. He sees the boots of the two Poopers guarding the ramp.
Khan: Hey down there! Can you assist us, please?
He and AJ take out these two when they appear.
KHAN: Get their uniforms on. Quickly.
AJ: Ewwww. This guy had tacos for lunch. Nothing doing.
KHAN: So? This guy’s wearing dominatrix gear under his. Wanna trade?
AJ: No, thanks.
SP: Time is of the essence, as is this (lets fly with a noisy stinker). Step on it, fellas.
INT – CONTROL ROOM
The WATCH COMMANDER looks out the window, sees NO POOPERS guarding the ship.
W.C.: BR-549, why aren’t at you at your post? BR-549, why–?
ANGLE on docking bay floor. AJ emerges, taps the side of his helmet.
The WC nods and turns to his AIDE.
W.C.: Take over. Got a bad XM receiver.
Aide NODS.
WC reaches to OPEN the door.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Yeah! I get a feature. xD What a wonderful birthday present.
I’M 17. I feel oooold, but maybe that’s because I ate too much chocolate and was laughing my butt off during Spaceballs. Now I have to go to the “Y” and burn off a week’s worth of calories. x__x
But a friend made me a really fancy Star Trek-themed card. It’s so fabulous. I’ll take pictures/scan it so I can show ya’ll. 8D
Christine, earned not, the right to feel old, have you.
Moved into my home, the year you were born, I did.
Why, like Yoda, talking am I?
INT – CONTROL ROOM
The WATCH COMMANDER opens the door.
THELONIUS plants a foot in his CROTCH. His cheeks BULGE with the mass of his own nutsack. He goes spinning away. The sole POOPER on duty stands, clawing for his weapon. Khan methodically puts one BETWEEN his helmet’s eyepieces.
AJ brings up the..ahem…rear, closing the door.
AJ: Christ JESUS, man! Between his kicking their sacks into their brains and you shooting everyone in sight, I’m amazed no one knows we’re here yet!
KHAN: Let them come. From Hell’s Heart, I will stab at them! For Hate’s sake, I will spit
THELONIUS (OC): KhaaaAAAANN!
KHAN: Sorry. I meant, bring them on! I prefer it to sneaking around like cowards!
THX and BN-D-R are at the CONTROL CONSOLE.
BN-D-R : Arrrrr….Booop…..Pffffffttttt….(belch)….
SP: What is it?
THX: Lil’ dude says he’s found the main computer interface-thingy.
SP: Plug him in. Maybe he can get us some p*rn passwords.
BN-D-R roots around the DeathStarNet for a few minutes.
BN-D-R : Booop…..Arrrr…..(burrrrpp)…..Pffffffttttt….!!
THX: sorry, dude. No passwords. But he did find out that the tractor pull thing whatsis is attached to the main power in a bunch of different places.
Knock one out and they all go.
SP moves to the door. AJ is right along with him.
AJ: You are not leaving me alone with these crazy f*ckers.
SP: Chillax, man. Your destiny lies along a different path than mine.
AJ: There you go again. What does that even mean?
SP: Later, dude.
He DEPARTS.
THELONIUS: That old man’s gone batsh*t.
KHAN: You said it. (to AJ) Where’d you find that old table lamp? A pawn shop?
AJ: Spock is a great man!
KHAN: Great at voiding his bowels when you least expect it. And getting everyone else into trouble.
BN-D-R suddenly goes CRAZY.
AJ (walking over): What is it?
THX: Wish I knew. He just keeps saying “Finded her, I did!” and repeating “The bonny wench be here!”
AJ: Who? Who did he finded, er, find?
THX: Some broad named Denise. She’s scheduled to be wasted.
AJ: The Princess? She’s here? Cool beans! Wait. What?
THX: Yeah, man. They’re gonna like firing squad her, or some sh*t.
KHAN: Wait. What the hell are you guys talking about?
AJ (frantic): The Princess is here. She’s the one in the message! They’re gonna kill her! We gotta–!
KHAN: The Old One wanted us to wait here!
AJ: But they’re gonna kill her!
KHAN: Better her than me.
AJ: Before all you did was bitch about wanting to go out and pick fights, now all you want to do is stay?
KHAN: Yes. Besides, marching into a heavily-guarded prison cellblock isn’t exactly what I had in mind.
AJ (slyly): She’s rich.
THELONIUS: Watch it, Khan-O. This is how they got the Czar!
KHAN: Rich? How rich is rich?
AJ: You heard of Gates?
KHAN: Yes.
AJ: Jobs? Trump? Oprah?
KHAN: Yeah, sure.
AJ: Princess Denise makes them look poor.
Thelonius shakes his head.
THELONIUS (to the droids): He’s a goner.
AJ (sensing victory): Yep, rich. Powerful. Rescue her and the reward would be—
KHAN: What? Better make all this sh*t worth it.
AJ: Well, it’d be more wealth than you can imagine.
KHAN: I can imagine quite a bit. What is you plan?
AJ: THX, gimme those cuffs and—
THELONIUS: F*ck that, junior! I am not playing prisoner again. Khan remembers what happened last time!
KHAN: Yes, yes, that was a misunderstanding. Did you have to rip off his genitalia?
AJ: Anyhoo, here, Khan, You put these on him.
KHAN (cuffing Thelonius): Fear not, old friend. I think know what he’s trying to do.
They move towards the door.
THX: What should me and the little dude do while you’re gone?
AJ: Just stay in here and keep quiet.
THX: Suppose more of these (kicks dead Pooper) come in?
AJ: Lock the door.
KHAN: And pray they do not have blasters. Or whips or chains.
THX: Whips? Chains?
The trio EXIT, leaving THX pondering the possibilities.
TO BE CONTINUED…
INT – DEATH STAR CONFERENCE ROOM.
GOVERNOR BALLZ sits working at one end of the table. Assorted DEAD OFFICERS, victims of Vader’s TEMPER, lay scattered about the room. A JUNIOR OFFICER enters
GOVERNOR H. BALLZ: What?
JUNIOR OFFICER: Our scouts have reached Dantooine. They found the remains of a rebel base, but it was renovated and rented out last year. It’s a Denny’s now.
Junior Officer EXITS.
GHB: She LIED! Bitch LIED to us!
VADER: Told you so.
GHB: Shaddup, you. Now, what were you saying? Something about an Obi-Wan Kenobi?
VADER: Who?
GHB: Obi-Wan Kenobi.
VADER: Do I know him?
GHB: Dude, you brought him up!
VADER: Obi Wan Kenobi? Obi-Wan? (snaps fingers) Oh, yeah. He’s here.
GHB: You sure?
VADER: Smelled his old rank ass myself.
GHB: Nah. Can’t be. You’re the last of your kind, aren’t you?
VADER: Obviously not.
BALLZ moves to answer a page.
VOICE (filtered VO): Security alert in Section AA-23.
GHB: The Princess. Put all Section on alert. No shore leave. And cancel Christmas.
VADER: He is here.
GHB: IF that’s true, he must not be allowed to skip town.
VADER: That is not his plan. I will face him, alone.
Vader EXITS.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Beach#728- Ooh, I am the princess? Does that mean I get dressed up in slave-harem bikini and chains? Cool…
Christine, I’ve got socks older than you!
Happy Birthday, young LADY.
730:
Oh yeah. Thanks for the inspiration….
The image of Denise in a Princess Leia slavegirl costume is inspiring more than a few lines of chat, ifyaknowwhatimean…
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR
Christine…just wait until you turn 19 and your 6-year-old cousin asks you if you’re going to get married soon. THEN you can feel old.
INT – DEATH STAR MAINTENANCE TRENCH
SPOCK PRIME enters the unoccupied area. He CROSSES a bridge over a bottomless fall to reach one of the TRACTOR BEAM power points THX was talking about. He fiddles with it until several readouts show ZERO.
Voices. Two STORMPOOPERS enter, assume guard postions.
POOPER 1: So, think this I another drill?
POOPER 2: Probably. You know last week they called one, right at fourth-and-goal, ten seconds on the clock, and we were about to score?
POOPER 1: AT-ATs won, 17-14.
POOPER 2: Sh*t-fire! Two hundred kronigs, down the sh*tter.
A loud FART sound from the corridor behind them.
POOPER 1: What was that?
POOPER 2: Probably just gas. Ignore it.
ANGLE on SPOCK as he beats a hasty retreat.
WIPE DISSOLVE TO
ANGLE on several TURBOLIFTS. KHAN, AJ, and THELONIUS enter one. PAN SLOWLY IN as several other people enter behind them.
Doors CLOSE.
Beat. Beat. Beat.
Door FLY OPEN. The latecomers flee the turbo lift, eyes watering, coughing, retching.
CLOSE through open doors.
KHAN: Damn, Thelonius!
AJ: And I thought the old man was bad! Wheeewwwww!
THELONIUS: More room on the outside. Deal with it.
DOORS CLOSE.
CUT TO
INT – CELLBLOCK AA-23 – CONTROL BAY
The turbo lift OPENS again, on the open control area. A PRISON OFFICER approaches. He rather flamboyantly hits for the other team (think Nathan Lane from The Birdcage)….
PRISON OFFICER: What’th up with him? Who dressed him, by the way. Ugggh!
AJ: Prisoner transfer from Cell Block BR-549?
P.O.: I wathn’t informed. I’ll have to clear it. Jutht a second. (into COMM) Peter? Peter! Did you thend this hideous thing up here? How many time have I told you to wash them and dress them first! Ugh. I–
While he’s TALKING:
KHAN (sotto voce, messing with cuff that won’t close around Thelonius’ enormous wrist): This is not going to work!
AJ: Could you not have said so before? I’m just saying.
KHAN: I did say so—
PRISON OFFICER keeps CUTTING HIS EYES at our trio.
AJ: Whistle britches ain’t going for it.
KHAN (To Thelonius) Snatch this rifle, start shooting.
It’s fairly predictable after that. Brief, thunderous chaos, then silence. The PRISON OFFICER, SIX POOPERS, and every camera and microphone in the place, soon little the floor.
KHAN: Got to look up what cell this princess of your is in. Here it is. 2187. Go get her. We’ll hold them here.
AJ: She’s in the twenty-one-eighties, Lousy real estate.
He runs off down the cell bay.
The COMM UNIT is going schizo.
KHAN: Yes, can I take your order?
MOMENTARY CONFUSED SILENCE from the speaker.
SPEAKER (filtered, VO): What’s going on?
KHAN: Look, sir, if you’re not going to order, please vacate the drive-thru to make room for the next customer. Thank you.
SPEAKER (filtered, VO): Who is this? What’s your operating—
KHAN silences it by SHOOTING IT,
KHAN: The conversation bored me anyway. (Down cell bay) AJ! GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER?????
CUT TO
AJ running down the cell bay, counting door numbers.
AJ: Eighty-five. Eighty-Six. Here it is. 2187.
He OPENS the door.
We see PRINCESS DENISE de ARMAN in all her sleepy glory, slave-harem bikini, chains, and all.
She slowly WAKES.
LOOKS AJ up and down. Clearly not impressed.
DENISE: Aren’t you a little old for a farm boy?
AJ: Aren’t you two movies early for the hyper-slut costume? My name is Andrew. I’m here to rescue you. I’m here with Ben Kenobi, or the guy that claims to be him, anyway.
DENISE: Kenobi? You brought that old letch? Yuck.
AJ (grabbing her arm): Come on.
Ripping SOUND. Denise’s BIKINI TOP dangles in his fist.
AJ (hands it back): Sorry. Let’s go!
They SPRINT back up the cell bay.
KHAN and THELONIUS are in trouble. They have lost control of the CONTROL BAY and are PINNED DOWN.
KHAN: Can’t get out that way.
THELONIUS: Damn, Junior. Took you long enough.
AJ: Yeah. Look at her!
THELONIUS: Yeah, she’s like, all fine and sh*t, but we’re in trouble!
DENISE: When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out? I’ve gotten out of malls on Black Friday easier than this.
KHAN: Go back to your cell, Highness. Or stay. But do it because it is what you wish to do!
He finds Thelonius STARING at him.
KHAN: What?
THELONIUS: Nothing. That line actually applies. Say on.
KHAN (meaning AJ) He’s the brains, sweetheart.
DENISE grabs AJ’s pistol and shoots the wall.
KHAN: What the hell are you doing?
DENISE: Saving our skins, flyboy. Though I’m still banned at Macy’s for doing this last Christmas.
She DIVES into the hole she just made.
Thelonius does not look impressed.
KHAN: Thelonius! Go!
THELONIUS: F*ck you! Not into a funk like that!
Khan KICKS him through anyway.
KHAN: AJ! Jump!
For once AJ does not argue.
KHAN: Mother said there’d be days like this!
He LEAPS after his friends.
His word “this” is attenuated “THIIIIISSSSSS!” into the following:
CUT TO
INT – GARBAGE COMPACTOR
Khan SPLASHES DOWN. Old food, sweat socks, sneakers, used condoms, old stockings, various other bits of filth, and a layer of just plain FUNK float on top of what they and we assume is water, but judging by the stench, we may never know, nor want to.
KHAN: Well done, your Worship. Well done indeed. What an incredible SMELL you’ve discovered!
TO BE CONTINUED…
It’s GOOD to be the governor!
Beach, you pulled off Denise’s top. Now, you’ve left us all hangin’.
CmdrR,
Just like Denise without her top!
Beach- LOL! I will keep reading further installments because it is what I wish to do…
AJ grabs Denise’s top off ‘by mistake,’ and she then “grabs AJ’s pistol and shoots the wall.”
Sounds like a successful date!
AJ- LOL! I will keep that in mind the next time we go on a date…
INT – GARBAGE COMPACTOR
Khan SPLASHES DOWN. Old food, sweat socks, sneakers, used condoms, old stockings, various other bits of filth, and a layer of just plain FUNK float on top of what they and we assume is water, but judging by the stench, we may never know, nor want to.
KHAN: Well done, your Worship. Well done indeed. What an incredible SMELL you’ve discovered!
AJ and the PRINCESS are just trying to stay above the garbage. THELONIUS is trying to pick the lock.
DENISE: Have you found it yet? (To Khan) And you? Are you going to run your mouth all day or are you going to help us find a way out of here?
KHAN: Move away from there.
DENISE/AJ/THELONIUS: WAIT!
Khan FIRES his weapon. The laser bolt goes HOWLING around the room. It GRAZES past DENISE, cutting through the chain holding up one side of her bikini bottom, barely MISSES THELONIUS, and KNOCKS the item AJ has just found–Denise’s bikini top–out of his hand.
Silence.
Denise: Sh*t! You assh*le!
AJ: Will you put that f*cking thing away? I already tried that. It’s hermetically sealed.
KHAN: Really? And you shot at a hermetically sealed portal?
AJ: Yep. How do you think her top came off in the first place?
He rummages around.
AJ: Here, Princess.
Denise takes her bikini top from him. It is pretty well f*cked, having been shot twice. She takes one of the strings to tie her bikini bottom back together.
DENISE: Great. Topless I can deal with. Topless around you pervs? That’s something else. Could this day get any worse?
DEEP RUMBLING, the LURCH of machinery.
KHAN: Very likely.
The WALLS start to CONVERGE.
AJ: Oh, sh*t. It is so worse now.
CUT TO
INT – DOCKING BAY CONTROL OFFICE
Several STORMPOOPERS burst in.
POOPER LEADER: Take over. See to him. What’s that?
Banging and knocking from a closet.
One Pooper OPENS the closet. THX and BN-D-R emerge.
BN-D-R: Boooop….Arrrrr…..Bleeeeppp…..(Blech)……kweeeeeeeeerr…
THX: Stop saying “It’s about time I came out of the closet” you hyperthyroid rubbish bin! I told you a million times! I do not bat for that team!
POOPER: What?
THX: All the shenanigans around here have given my friend here a complex. Mind if I take him down to maintenance?
POOPER: Sure, whatever.
The droids MOVE to the door.
BN-D-R (quietly) : Boooop….Arrrrr…..Bleeeeppp!!
THX: What? Oh, yeah, the cellphone!
He GRABS the device off the top of a console and they EXIT.
CUT TO
BACK to the trash compactor.
AJ has a realization.
AJ: Oh, f*ck me! I forgot! I have a g*ddamn cellphone!
He frantically punches in a number.
AJ (staring incredulously at the thing): The f*ck you mean, voicemail! Pick up, you stupid droid!
THX (filtered, VO): Dude! You there? We’ve had–
AJ: Shut the f*ck up and listen before we turn into hamburger!
THX (filtered, VO): Dude. No need to get snippy!
AJ: Shut down all the garbage mashers on the prison level!
THX (filtered, VO): Do what?
CUT TO
INT – MAINTENANCE BAY in MAIN HANGAR
AJ (filtered, VO): Shut down all the garbage mashers on the prison level!
BN-D-R figuratively ROLLS HIS EYES and sticks in his COMPUTER PROBE. The little dials and discs spin and whirl, then several lights change from GREEN to RED.
CUT TO
BACK in the Compactor. Our heroes are THREE FEET from lasagna.
The walls STOP.
All present CHEER.
CUT TO
INT MAINTENANCE BAY
THX: Ah, sh*t man! Hero pancakes!
CUT TO
INT TRASH COMPACTOR
AJ: THX! You did great! Now, open the unit hatch on…where are we?
CUT TO
INT MAINTENANCE BAY
KHAN (filtered VO, background): three-two-six-three-eight-two-seven!
CUT TO
INT – DEATH STAR CORRIDOR
SPOCK PRIME makes his way stealthily along, managing through various techniques to make himself inconspicuous. He SENSES something, draws his SABER. Cautiously he moves forward, out of shot…
TO BE CONTINUED…
‘Beach, Pictures, man. Pictures.
743:
????
743:
Wait.
Now I think I get what you’re sayin’.
However, I don’t think any artistic endeavour I could make could possibly compare to the pictures already floating about in our collective male heads…
I have a feeling between all the inept pistol shooting and light sabers going WHACK WHACK that Princess Denise is going to be nude by the end of this little adventure… not that I would mind if Spock is around while the Princess is busy being nude…
D, are you saying that as long as you’re busy being nude with Spock, you wouldn’t mind ‘getting busy?’
PICTURES, BEACH! PICTURES, DAMN YOU!
OPENING SHOT: The Enterprise circles a Mod-colored globe, that looks to be about the size of a basketball in comparison to the 11′ model. CUT TO: long shot of a familiar tropical island. CUT TO: cover shot of the laggoon. Two figures ephervesce in a cloud of fiery gnats.
Kirk: Well, the Denebian Dongrot Flu will run its course in a few days. Bones can handle that. I’m just glad you and I made it down before we were affected.
Spock: Yes, Jim. I took the liberty of checking your record. You are overdo for shore leave anyway.
Kirk: Looks like just you and me, Spock. A few days. A tropical island. Sooooooo…..
THE NEXT DAY. SPOCK HAS BUILT A HUT, TABLE, CAR.
Kirk: All this from seashells and bamboo?
Spock: There were no bear skins and stone knives.
Kirk: You’re even getting a tan. You look like an oversized avacado.
Spock: Why thank you, Jim. Next, I shall constru –
CUT TO: Cave interior. White actor dressed in offensive island witchdoctor costume. He holds a pair of handmade dolls, one in a blue shirt, the other in gold. The Witch Doctor bends the blue doll over.
CUT TO: K/S AT THE HUTS.
Kirk: Spock — you cut out on me, Buddy.
Spock bends forward, removes pants.
Spock: Captain. This is most extraordinary. I believe my motor reflexes have been accessed by an outside control system.
Kirk: Hmmm. You’re sure someone else is doing this?
Spock: Yes, Jim. However, the sensation is not unpleasant.
Kirk: Well, as long as you’re in that position… I do have some coconut oil and…
CUT TO: Cave interior. The Witch Doctor is bumping the dolls together and laughing maniacally.
LATER, BACK WITH THE BOYS…
Kirk: Well, I’ve been possessed by Sargon and by a nutso chick. That’s the first time I’ve been remote controlled in quite that way.
Spock: Indeed, Captain. And while I did not find the experience in any way troubling, I have engineered a reversal of the situation.
Spock holds up a small doll that resembles The Witch Doctor.
LATER. WE CAN SEE THE WITCH DOCTOR’S DOLL IN THE FOREGROUND, STANDING STIFF, WHILE THE WITCH DOCTOR’S POSE APPEARS FROZEN IN THE SAME STANCE. HE IS ‘VERY GLAD’ TO BE THERE. OUT FROM THE HUT, STEP KIRK AND SPOCK. KIRK IS WEARING A SEQUINED GOWN, WHILE SPOCK IS WEARING SHORT SHORTS AND A BLOUSE TIED OFF TO REVEAL HIS MID-RIFF.
Kirk: (Authoritatively to The Witch Doctor): Which will it be, Mister?
Spock: Ginger or Mary Ann?
closing theme music up, played with a French Horn and coconuts.
I am already nude in the story. But I suspect that I am made of some sort of metal. Anyways, I am nude right now, so that counts for something.
As you may have guessed, the above is dedicated to K/S’ biggest fan, Denise.
effervesce even
Coconuts are, in effect, nothing but hairy balls!
Nuts is nuts, Harry.
Yes, but when they get to the size of coconuts you better see a doctor!
AJ
since you’re in a far off land, I thought you might need cheering up. A friend of mine just flagged me to a young lady named Rhian Sugden. I checked her out and I suggest you do the same. All the men here might want to google (go ogle) this young maiden!
GROWWRRR!!
I’m waiting here for Beach’s next installment! Hurry up will ya?
‘Nella, you’re a fan? I’m flattered.
Next one as soon as I can, I promise.
757: Oh, yeah, it’s great fun!
I aim to please…
INT – DEATH STAR CORRIDOR
SPOCK encounters the odd sensation he felt, in the person of TIBERIUS VADER, who is standing at the end of the short corridor, sword glowing in his hand.
VADER: I’ve been waiting for you, Moldy One. We meet again at last. The circle is–
SP: Oh my god. Blah blah. Jesus Jim, don’t you ever shut the f*ck up? You know why I’ve come, don’t you?
VADER: Something about all the random destruction and wanton sodomy back in our Federation?
SP: You got it, Old Perv. Uhura still can’t walk straight. Chekov won’t stop crying. Don’t even get me started on Scotty.
VADER: Watchoo gon’ do about it, Old Man.
SP IGNITES his own sword.
SP: The f*ck you mean, ‘Old Man’? Bring it.
Swords CLASH. Lights FLASH. Blades HUM.
CUT TO:
INT – CORRIDOR NOT FAR FROM TRASH COMPACTOR
Our heroes and now heroine run afoul of a Pooper Platoon.
DENISE: Oh, boyyyyysss!
The Girls JIGGLE and SHAKE, completely mesmerizing the Poopers.
Khan suddenly shouts incoherently and fires at the Poopers. They alls scatter back down the corridor. Khan GIVES CHASE.
KHAN: GET BACK TO THE SHIP!
He RUNS OFF after them. Thelonius FOLLOWS, if somewhat reluctantly.
DENISE: Not the brightest thing he could have done, is it?
AJ: Hells, no. He’s an idiot. Come on.
WIPE DISSOLVE.
VADER and SPOCK FIGHT ON.
WIPE DISSOLVE
AJ and DENISE run down increasingly smaller hallways, around increasingly and unnecessarily complex twists and turns.
DENISE (literally bouncing off the walls in their headlong flight around corners): Seriously? Who built this f*cking thing?
AJ: WHOA!
DENISE: What?
AJ: We ran out of road, sister!
DENISE: Remember that word. Now what?
AJ: Shut the door and let me think.
He THINKS while Denise SHOOTS BACK at the POOPERS on various other balconies, though the Imperials are, as usual, lousy shots. The ones BEHIND THEM have begun slowly forcing the door upwards. Denise sends a few shots under the door at their feet.
AJ gives and “Ah-HAH!” expression and pulls several meters of THIN CABLE from his Pooper UTILITY BELT. He THROWS it over some hanging equipment. Denise PLANTS A MAJOR SPIT-SWAP on him.
AJ (dazed): The hell? I feel ike I need a cigarette after that.
DENISE: Enjoy it now, because we can only do that in this movie. Next two we get all secret-siblings and sh*t. Now swing it, big boy!
They SWING across the chasm, land gracelessly, falling all over each other, then high tail it down the hallway opposite.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sure it’s sick. But, my sister never looked like Carrie Fisher… or like Denise. I would so swap spit.
760:
I somehow can find no argument with that sentiment…I mean, if my sis had looked remotely like Carrie, or Denise, then I so would have gone there.
Or at least thought about it….
Yeah, yeah, ladies, calm down. Convince us that if your brother had looked as good as (insert fave male celeb here) you wouldn’t have gone there?
Or at least thought about it….
I think the key thing to remember here is that Luke didn’t know the princess was his sister at the time. Kind of a huge factor!
Well said, Governor Ballz!
Especially considering that she lip-locked him in Empire, too…
Had Lucas even written the whole dang ninology by the time of the first movie? If he did, I suspect it was only an outline. I just don’t think he’s clever enough to have intentionally plotted out certain things he lucked into. If he was, then Phantom Menace would have a suck factor below the point of plasma flares.
(A long time ago, circa the mid-1970s, in a galaxy far, far out…)
GEO LUCAS: Lessee… I know! I can make the dog-ape creature called Chewing-Tabacco into Luke’s sister!
BND: Awwwwwwwk! I’ve come from tha’ future by hurlin’ me cardboard box around tha’ sun! I’ve come ta’ warn ye’!
GEO LUCAS: Far out. No pants. Hey- maybe one of my characters doesn’t wear them either…
BND: Nigh! Quit this spiel here and now! Make tha’ princess that Luke’s sister and… by tha’ by, what be wit’ these names? Hand Solo? Obi-Want Cannabis? Quick On Gin? Laya Orgasm? This be a kiddie movie ye’ be writin’ fur’ Crom’s sake!
GEO LUCAS: Than R2-Dildo is not going to fly, eh?
BND: Well, ye’ can keep C3-WayPO… it be tha’ seventies in California-like and all, but come on, Geo! By tha’ way, Cincinnati has tha’ best three ways… Google ‘em…
GEO LUCAS: Google? Uh, maybe you better put your pants back on. Say, what about young Luke Skywalker (heh, heh… Skywalker… like mushrooms grow in the desert) what about him not knowing the evil about his real father?
BND: Lando Callous-ass-sissian?
GEO LUCAS: I want this to be a progressive story! Of course Luke’s father is black!
BND: Uhhhhhh… what aboot’ that space nut Dark Invader? I’d change his name ta’ not scare off all tha’ white women.
GEO LUCAS: That’s rascist!
BND: Sorry- I have me seen “Blazin’ Saddles” 47 times. Anyhoos, how’s aboot’ a snooty princess trapped by Dark Invader who uses his large space ball ta’ destroy her homeworld?
GEO LUCAS: I think they’re filming that in a hotel down the street.
BND: Awwwwk! I gives up! Ye’s got a dirty mind, ye’ does! How’d ye; ever create an endearing epic aboot’ individual salvation and becomin’ better people? Tells ye’ what, I grew me a floppy eared creature from sea monkies in me terlet… I call it Jar Jar Binks. Use a’that.
GEO LUCAS: A toilet, eh? Why, I could see the seat of it flying through space! Like a majestic falcon!
BND: Uhhhhh… tha’ Loo-minium Falcon? I’m gettin’ back in me cardboard box and headin’ home ta’ 2010. ‘Least we gots good Scy Fy films on telly then like “Giant Mosquito”, “Killer Croc”, and “Homicidal Honeybear.”
GEO LUCAS: Maybe one of my characters is a gay robot that really likes R2-Dildo… And a wrinkled little gnome that can fight Dracula… I have to write all this down!
BND: (shooting towards sun) Kirk ne’er needed tha’ Force! Which ye’ ruin by sayin’ it be a blood infection, ye’ bangke knerk!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
765: Oh, if only Lucas would have listened to you….
Tha’ saddest thing ta’ say, is sayin’ what might’ve been…
Like them bloody prequels!
“Enterprize” wuz’ a thousand fold better show than them prequels. And that wit’ Cap’n Quantum Leap in charge, golly…
At least Starry Trek got itself a decent blocky-buster this past year… Like Harry said- an olde’ TOS episode; tha’ movie, even wit’ its fakey spacey-ships, was grand… But nuthin’ ‘ill be like Khannie’s Wrath… unless Orci can actually write… Or Kurtzman finally reads “Moby Dick”…
(runs and hides- yet still is beaten by a writing team and Optimus Prime)
Awwwwwwwwwk! Them writers punched me in me Allspark! I needs a nurse… or a lass dressed as a nurse… Denise? Spockanella? Needs me injection… o’ tongue… and maybe some shortbread… and some dobos torte… ands a lolly-POP… and a remake o’ tha’ prequels…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
STAR TREK: INVASION (basic premise)
The Andorian government has detected an area on its planet, a strange new energy reading, the causes of which are unknown. Kirk and crew are sent to investigate the readings and after study discover that the disturbed energy reading is in fact a “base” of sorts, hiden by powerful force fields. After intense attempts to break thru the force field Kirk & crew are finally succesful. Inside the “base” they find creatures, very inteligent and humanoid, but readings show them to be impossibly ancient, and after further study realize they are Bio-mechanical in nature, metal and flesh, with veins that have glowing liquid, and seem to be controled from some outside source. A fierce battle begins and after casualties, the crew is just able to disable the few creatures and their powerful weapons. Spock begins to access the numerious extremley advanced computers and discovers images (holographic and picture form) and data that span from the present Andorian society back almost a million years, to the Andorians beginings as a primative species. They also discover Tubes filled with liquid with what appear to be Andorian bodies inside them. Spock notices that some of them are famous or important Andorians, some from the resent past, to those hundreds if not thousands of years ago, financial leaders, generals, rulers, scientist, religious leaders and other important figures. Spock theorizes that from this base, in some way, the creatures have possibly been active in influencing the Andorian development as a species thru the ages, perhapes from its earliest beginings.
Kirk reports back to Star Fleet about these findings and almost as soon as he does, he is ordered to stop the investigation, leave the area, and erase any data collected and put a “gag” order on all those who were present, because Star Fleet will send a team to further investigate the base and deal with it. Kirk finds this troubling but obeys his orders, but at the same time tells spock to “keep an eye open” to anything out of the ordinary (in a very low key way). While Kirk and crew begin their next mission Spock moniters more of these “strange new energy readings” on other sector planets. One on The home world of the Tellarites, on Romulus, even on the Klingon home world. The more Spock looks, the more planets these readings are on. But what is more suprising is one he detects on Earth, massive, much larger than any other he has detected so far………..
Wow, Hugh. Keep going!
BND, so… is the force the same as space herpes from ‘Ice Pirates?’
Mayhaps. I use Yoda Yogurt ta’ spread on me spreadin’ spreadings.
Hey- good wishes on yer’ missus nows becomin’ a cita-zen.
I always wanted me an American lass.
Why, she could vote fur’ Palin legal-like…
Or put me under cita-zen’s arrrrrrrest…
Oh, I just wanted ta’ steal yer’ Starry Trek memarrrrrrbilia… that’s not tha’ Kung Fu grip I had hoped fur’! Bail me oot’ in At-At-lanta!
(me apologies…)
Play some Pete Townsend ta’ send me oof’! (applyin’ ta’ me, not AdmrR)…
Tha’ sea refuses no river…
For the sea refuses no river
We’re polluted now but in our hearts still clean
The sea refuses no river
We tried not to age
But time had it’s rage
We’re washed over stones
From babes into clones of the mean
The sea won’t refuse this muddy river
Nor deny the sulfurous stream…
I hopes not… I need me a bathe…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Hugh, I like the basic premise…..please tell us more!
Once I wrote a story.
Well, I started writing a story.
It was a parody crossover between….
Star Trek, Spaceballs, the Orbit Gum commercials with the freaky blonde lady, Pokémon, and Monty Python & the Holy Grail.
And one or two other things. Including my insanity.
No, I was not on any chemical substances when I got the idea. Not even caffeine. :D Maybe some day I’ll post a little; it really is quite insane. Almost as insane as what ‘Beach is entertaining us all with.
Careful, Christine, if you stare directly at ‘Beach or BND, you may go blind!
The more Spock searches the more he becomes disturbed (an emotion he is buzzled by, but one he understands after what he has seen.). He of course informes his captain of the data!
STAR TREK (2009)
Delta Vega
Kirk: “Oh, Spock! How long do you think it will be until they find us here on Delta Vega?!”
Spock: “Only until you find more edifying locations for our holidays together. I am fond of the ensuing cave scenario, but this spacepod is cramped, and….”
Kirk: “And what? It was your idea!”
Spock: “I cannot seem to pull out.”
Kirk: “That’s the ol’ Kirk anal vice-grip. They know it all over Iowa!”
Spock: “Indeed.”
Kirk: “That’s how mom caught dad!”
A giant lobster roars in the background.
FIN
STAR TREK (2009)
Kirk: “Spock, you know you really have to get your dad off the ship. They caught him with two chicks in the Briefing Room last night. He’s an animal,”
Spock: “An animal, Jim? What would you do? For my father, it is most difficult. As a recent widower, he must mate as often as possible for 240 years until he passes into the ‘Kras-Plarg,’ the time of penile withering. Only then will he find peace.”
Kirk: “Does he like tight Iowan ass?” Runs down the hall.
Spock: (eyebrow raised) “Jim! Wait!….Ahh, who am I kidding? Better him than me.”
FIN
STAR TREK (2009)
The Turbolift
Kirk walks in, followed by Uhura. The doors shut with a ’swish.’
Uhura *shuts down the lift: “Captain?”
Kirk: “Yes, Lieutenant?”
Uhura: “I always wanted you to notice my legs….”
Kirk: “Yes?…”
Uhura (lifts up her skirt): “Look at my legs!”
Kirk: “Sweet…!”
Uhura: “And sir?”
Kirk: “Yes?”
Uhura: ” I always wanted you to see my breasts!” Uhura rips off her top and bra. “Look…Look at my breasts!”
Kirk: “Lieutenant, you have my full attention.”
A voice from above…”Wake up, Jim, you idiot!”
Kirk: “Bones?”
Kirk wakes up in the great hall of Starfleet Academy
Commander Starfleet: …”Is there anything you care to say before we begin, sir?”
Kirk: “What a downer.”
FIN
774:
Nah, Harry. Stare at me too long, you’ll probably just start laughing. BND, on the other hand, just makes you vomit.
I was trying to hint at your brilliance, but laughing while you vomit? Yeah, ok, what you said!
“Hasten, Jason, bring the basin….oops, SLOP….bring the mop!”
780:
“You have a great gift for rhyme!”
Movie Quote!
STAR TREK (2009)
Nero: “I’m so hard up, Ayel. I mourn the death of my wife, yet I still crave sex! Arrgh!”
Ayel: “Yes, Captain Nero! As do we all! Yesss!!! Sex!!!”
Truly uncomfortable silence
Nero: “Come here, Ayel…”
Ayel: “No..”
Nero: “C’mon, you little dickweed, you’re MY bitch..” (Nero starts chasing Ayel up and down the ship)
Ayel: “Ohhhh, no you don’t (Nero catches him by the leg) Uh oh! Uh ohhh… no!” A door slams in the distance, echoing throughout the chasms of the Narada.
(Note: This is before Rura Penthe, where we assume the Narada crew had lots of sex, and got it out of their systems). or not.
FIN
INT – DEATH STAR
KHAN and THELONIUS are CHASING the stormpoopers from the previous chapter down corridors that turn and twist every bit as badly as what AJ and Denise had to deal with.
They BURST around a corner, find HUNDREDS of poopers, pilots, engineers, and battledroids.
THELONIUS: Nice going, Khan-O. Always thinking with your johnson.
KHAN (to roomful of poopers): Places, people, places! Smiles, everyone! Smiles!
The roomful of poopers, not to mention Thelonius, stare at him incredulously.
KHAN (aside to Thelonius): Run.
THELONIUS: What? The f*ck was that?
KHAN (firing blaster at poopers): Run, damn you!
They FLEE…
WIPE DISSOLVE
INT – YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR
KHAN and THELONIUS look up apprehensively at the sound of approaching footsteps. The visibly relax when they see AJ and DENISE.
KHAN: What kept you?
DENISE: Ran into some old friends. One of them owed me money.
AJ: Ship…Out of danger?
KHAN: What?
AJ: I said, is the ship alright?
KHAN: Seems to be undamaged. Now we must get to it.
ANGLE as the stormpoopers guarding the Bay are all drawn off towards a commotion OFFSCREEN.
KHAN: Now for it! Go!
They all RACE across the docking bay towards the ship.
AJ STOPS.
AJ: Spock? The hell you doing, man?
CUT TO
INT – SIDE CORRIDOR
SPOCK PRIME and VADER BATTLE on. Though Spock is holding his own Vader is gaining the upper hand. When Spock glances over and smiles at AJ, which creeps AJ out, Vader does that cool, Carbon-freeze-Chamber SPIN-MOVE that neatly disarms Spock. In the same motion, Vader SPINS Spock around, forcing him onto hands and knees.
VADER (lifting Spock’s robes): I have you now.
SP: If you sodomize me now, Jim, I shall become more flatulent than you can possible imag-Moooooon Riverrrrrrr!!!!
VADER: Take that, Bitch! Take it all, you old fairy! Oooh! I’m about to–
Just at the moment of Vader’s triumph, er, climax, Spock DISAPPEARS. Only his ROBES and WAVE MOTION DEVICE remain.
INSERT
MAINTENANCE BAY
THX calmly observes the goings on across the docking bay. He NOTICES our gang streak across the bay towards the ship.
THX: Hey, little droid dude. We’re bailing.
BN-D-R is still coupled to the computer terminal, banging away.
THX: Man, get your input shaft out of there! You don’t know where that computer’s been!
BN-D-R STIFFENS, then SAGS happily. THX PULLS him away from the terminal.
COMPUTER VOICE: Call me!
RESUME
AJ has just seen Spock vanquished. Where his body had been there is now a RISING CLOUD of caustic, toxic green gas. Vader backs away from it hastily.
AJ: Ugh! Old Moldy wasn’t kidding!
KHAN (holding nose): Blast the door, boy!
AJ STARTS SHOOTING, eventually HITS the door control. The big metal slab SLAMS DOWN. AJ KEEPS SHOOTING, pegging the stormpoopers remaining on the bay side of the door.
SPOCK (VO): The f*ck you still standing there for? Run!
AJ races aboard the Botany Bay. It TAKES OFF and speeds away.
TO BE CONTINUED
781
The Princess Bride! A great flick! I own it on DVD! Thanks for the reminder!
Great ending with Kirk…I mean Vader giving it to Spock, but you forgot to nude me up so Spock could see me!
784:
A few more examples:
“Hallo. My name is Inego Montoya. You keel my father. Prepare to die!”
and
Count Rogen: “Remember, this is for posterity, so do try and be honest.”
and
Humperdink:”I’ve got my country’s five-hundredth anniversary to plan, my wife to murder, and Gilder to frame for it. I’m swamped.”
and
Humperdink outside Fire Swamp: Surrender!
Wesley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept!
or
Miracle Max: Go away before I call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I’m ON the Brute Squad.
Max: You ARE the Brute Squad!
It does NOT get any funnier than that. I’ve seen that movie probably a hundred times, Harry, and to this day, it OWNS me. Makes me absolutely scream every time.
785:
To quote the source of my parody, “It’s not over yet.”
785:
Oh, by the by, you just made my day….
INT – BOTANY BAY – WASHROOM
Denise has REMOVED her damaged clothing, and is giving herself a SPONGE BATH in the big TROUGH SINK. A GLOW suddenly REFLECTS on her body.
SPOCK PRIME”S GHOST: Greetings, Princess.
Denise SQUEALS in surprise, momentarily trying to cover herself, but quickly regains her composure.
DENISE: General Kenobi. Didn’t you years ago serve my father in the Clone Wars?
SPG: Who is this Kenobi person? Your friend AJ when I first met him referred to me by that name.
DENISE (In full prowl mode now): Kenobi? Oh, nobody of importance. Listen, I grew up watching you on TV, and I’ve always had the hots for you.
SPG: I’m flattered, I think. Look, Princess, I hate to come and go, but it isn;t easy to manifest in the ‘real world’ like this. I just appeared to you to see if we could–
DENISE: Knock boots? Do a quick mattress mambo? Play hide-the-Vulcan-salami?
SPG: Colloquially expressed, but essentially correct. And, well, since you are already in a state of undress…
DENISE: Ride ‘em cowboy! Cowboy!
CUT TO
INT – MAIN COMMON AREA.
AJ and THELONIUS are playing an animated, chess-like game at the table. KHAN is TINKERING with something in the corner. THX is getting slowly and methodically HAMMERED on the fine-grade MOONSHINE BN-D-R is producing from his onboard DISTILLERY.
ALL look up as the unmistakable and REALLY LOUD sounds of female pleasure RESOUND from all over the ship at once.
THELONIUS: Moldy One’s at it again. Your move.
TO BE CONTINUED…
BN-D-R better be serving me some Pendleton or some Dry-Fly Wheat Whisky. Life is too short to drink cheap hooch. Seeings how I obviously ‘aint gonna get any in this fiction.
Beach- Now THAT is how the real movie should have ended… Bravo, my matey, bravo!
Greetings! A drive-by wave to all. How the heck are you?
Liz!
We’re great!
I’m a robot!
And I’m drunk!
Wow, I just noticed an ad for a singles website featuring lesbian romance at the top of this page. I wonder if that is generated by the text of this chat page or if it was just reading my mind.
THX,
Lesbian romance? Isn’t that the polar opposite of what goes around on here? How often do two WOMEN ever get involved in any of our stories?
784. Harry
“The Princess Bride! A great flick! I own it on DVD! Thanks for the reminder!”
…Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
…Incontheevable!
…As you wish…
…Dread Pirate Roberts…
Miracle Max: Go away or I’ll call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I’m on the Brute Squad.
Miracle Max: [sees Fezzik] You *are* the Brute Squad!
Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean *this* gate key.
————————-
One of the greats. We watch it every once-in-a-while.
kg
791:
HIya Liz! We miss you!
792:
The point of the characterization was a sort of riff on the Quagmire 3PO from Blue Harvest. Specifically, the “You still got that bag…?” scene, where they slow sit and get baked while the others grind away in the trash compactor.
795:
Vizzini: “Incontheevable!”
Inigo: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Funny, funny stuff….
Or, “they sit and SLOWLY GET BAKED…” even.
Band-aid on the right middle finger makes for some interesting typos…
Liz- Hi sweet thing! Where in blue Hades have you been?! We have missed you!
Liz!
How’re things in Aridzona?
Come by more often!
TOG
I can only speak for myself, but I always just switch the characters to women and the acts to lesbian. Well not always.
I don’t know from Blue Harvest as it is populated by Family Guy characters which I loathe. i know, I know, I should probably give it a chance, but what am I gonne do? I’m a Taurus and very stubborn. Anyway, I have had more of an image of me painted gold (hence the apropo nickname “Goldenrod”) and tossing one back whilst torching one up.
800:
So be it. THX (the droid) shall henceforth be a HUMAN-oid, his body a resplendent gold. Loincoth or other accessory optional. I sorta pictured him like a people-sized Oscar, anyway. Sleek with no sharp features.
The booze comin’ outta BN-D-R shall henceforth be Pendleton of the finest kind, with an accompaniment of Cannabis of similar quality.
I mean, seriously, you dinnit think they’re going through this insanity straight didja?
Seems like ye’ be goin’ great guns wit’ yer’ stories thar’, ye’all!
Hi TOG. Hi Liz. Hi Denise. I’m wearin’ me pants now! Or a shirt I fashioned inta’ trousers at least.
I’m gunna’ celebrate this here revitalized 69 Forward wit’ some champagne! Awwwk! It’s just some gin I put in me ginger ale, but ye’ does what ye’ can wit’ what ye’ got.
ARCHERETTE: Dear, don’t go so fast! Slow and steady is how a woman likes it.
MISTER HOSHI: Captain, if we don’t go fast, we’ll never get anywhere! I mean space is so vast and it’d take months to get to another world unless we have a brisk pace and… Oh, I’m done.
ARCHERETTE: That only took ten seconds!
MISTER HOSHI: I gotta go. I need Trippette to polish my “goldenrod” now. Well, in a few minutes anyway.
MISTER T’POW: Why do the producers insist I wear this catsuit? You can see the rounds of my chest hair against the fabric. Oh, those Bud Lights are ready to come out. (burrrrrrrrrp)
REEDAKINS: Hey, Mr. T’Pow, if you’re heading for the loo, leave the bloody seat down when you’re done! I’m so blasted sick of getting my tooshy wet.
ARCHERETTE: Hey- this is the future. We have towels.
RICK BERMAN: Wow- I can write soooooo good! Now then- everyone in catsuits!
BND: Right away! Awwwwwwwk! I can’t fit me kitty costume o’er me head, sir! Oh this be me worst post ever!
MANNY COTO: No! No! No! This is all wrong. Get rid of that sailor who has a Maine Coon costume stuck on his head and dragging behind him like a cape… And let’s write some good stuff before we are…
UPN EXECUTIVE: Cancelled.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
“The booze comin’ outta BN-D-R shall henceforth be Pendleton of the finest kind, with an accompaniment of Cannabis of similar quality.”
Finest kind…
I like that…
But, if I suckle me own nipples, does that make me an alcoholic or just a preverrrt? I’ll try it at the mall and see whatta’ happens…
Can ye’ all send me bail money via PayPal?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
…does that make me an alcoholic or just a preverrrt?…
Yes.
By the by, BND, everyone else cast is my little opus has an opinion on their characters. What’s yours?
“Arrrrr……Blattt..pffft….arrrr….!”
Does I really sound like that? Mayhaps tha’ make-up lass has me distracted… have ta’ cover up a lot ta’ be in an opus…
Carry on.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Think of it as an actor playing a part, and not as a reflection of the ‘real’ you…
That being said, yes, the makeup girl has an enormous rack….
You all may or may not have heard that old Kermit Schaffer joke about cars being recalled due to faulty nuts behind the wheels.
I did not make this up. This is verbatim (bold accent mine) about a certain Ford Escape recall. :
…THESE VEHICLES MAY HAVE A MIS-ASSEMBLED OR INCORRECTLY MANUFACTURED NUT THAT ATTACHES THE STEERING WHEEL ASSEMBLY TO THE STEERING COLUMN. THE NUT COULD BE UPSIDE DOWN IN THE STEERING WHEEL ASSEMBLY, WHICH COULD OVERSTRESS THE STEERING COLUMN SHAFT WHEN THE NUT IS TIGHTENED. IN ADDITION, SOME OF THE NUTS MAY HAVE BEEN CRACKED DURING MANUFACTURE RESULTING IN THE NUT FRACTURING WHEN IT IS TIGHTENED DURING VEHICLE ASSEMBLY.
Is that a hoot, or what?
Hi, Liz.
Hi, Katie.
Hi, Denise.
oh…the boys are still here too…hi fellas.
Where I work we have a meeting room that sits underneath the tube transport system, which rumbles noisily from time to time. We always joke that the rodents of unusual size are running through the tubes.
Give me a break. I’ve been mostly dead all day.
LOVE me some Princess Bride.
It isn’t necessarily a funny line as scripted, but Mandy Patinkin’s delivery in that Spanish accent makes it a favorite of mine.:
Westley: What I wouldn’t give for a Holocaust Cloak.
Fezzik (whips one out of his tunic): Will this do?
Inigo (incredulously): Where did you get that?
#803
It makes you flexible. And i would just stay in the klink if I were you. They got free grub and if you act crazy enough they give you pills.
Flexible? That be me.
Buts I dunna’ understand why me neighbour got so upset that I takes her toaster oven ta’ warm up me buns… and I do have nice buns, may I say.
All this snow and cold!
I gots oot’ ta’ pick up some groceries (gin, gin, bread, gin, Secret Underarm Deodorant, gin) and I gots pulled o’er in me Buick! Ye’ Yanks- drive on tha’ wrong side o’ tha’ road all tha’ time… I was drivin’ on tha’ correct-like side and got me a lass copper ta’ run me down… she didda’ not like that I tried tha’ olde’ trick o’ seducin’ her by sucklin’ me own nipple… So I set me phazor (or wuz’ it a tazer?) on stun and…
Can anyone give me some bail money? Me cellmate Barney seems kinda’ frisky and he’ll be upset when he sees I got me a plug… wonder how’ll I’ll poo, though…
(BND has gone clinically insane. Please stand back.)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I suppose Barney sings, “I love you. You love me. Let’s engage in sodomy…”
The ladies are coming back to 69 Forward, Spring is coming to Georgia, the economy almost looks… better, BND is in fine form; is hope returning?
BND,
Establish your territory in the clink. Go after Barney’s hole first. Then, he’ll respect the plug. Don’t forget, you were arrested by a girl…
nice to be here!
I’M BACK, BABY!!!!
Wow! I was lost in cyberspace for the last 2 days!! Just now figured out how to get back!! Thanks for missing me, ya slobs!!
AJ, you can obviously ignore my e-mail to you now!
Boy, that’s a lousy feeling coming here and reading every post, but not being able to respond! Almost like being in a coma, but still able to hear everyone around you!
Harry:
Ignored!
“Liz- Hi sweet thing! Where in blue Hades have you been?! We have missed you!”
Missed you too sweetie. And all of you! Just been in a funk and then super busy at work which has sucked the life out of me, LOL. I am officially a couch potato when I get home.
Saturday and the weather’s fine!
Saturday, and -11 F with a good strong wind and sun.
Rura Penthe with restaurants.
One Russian guy today said to me “It’s the coldest winter we’ve had here in 5 years. Russians love cold winters, but even we’re sick of this one!”
820
Even a couch potato can type, no? Good to see you back, Liz!
I pulled off a cute pun (if I do say myself) in the Shatner/Shit thread!
That’s some hot Shat, Harry.
OK, since no one asked for it, it’s cute baby story of the week:
EnsR has become jealous of certain things. When I kiss the Admiral, he MUST have his kiss, too or he throws a tantrum that would make a Klingon run in fear. Good enough. He gets his kiss. Today, we noticed that the ensign’s powers of observation extend to my habit of… um, manually inspecting the Admiral’s aft section. What can I tell ya? I likes me a good squeeze, I does. So now, when EnsR sees that, he turns around to get his pinch, too.
OK, you can uncover your eyes now. Cuteness over.
826:
CmdrR:
Well done, of course.
826
Ouch! I think I’m getting a toothache!
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters, 0130 hours
Kirk: “Why do you insist on trying to kiss me?”
Spock: “Is that not part of the mating ritual?”
Kirk: “Spock: We’re not ‘mating,’ we’re screwing,”
Spock: “But, I am trying to kiss you because I love you.”
Pause.
Kirk: “You do?…I…Of course you do. Me, too.”
Spock: “Affirmative.”
Kirk: “You’re a shitty kisser, you know that,,,”
Spock (eyebrow up): “That is correct, Captain. But without a frame of reference, I…”
Kirk: “Kiss this.”
Kirk grabs Spock by the head and goes to work.
FIN
How does 829 make your teeth feel, Harry?
HARRY BALLZ: I’m back, babies! What’s been shaking?
‘BEACH: Oh, just writing an opus here. THX is writing some good stuff as well. And AJ is in that Klingon prison planet.
BND: Can someone bail me oot’? Please? Barney’s gunna’ marry me iffa’ dunna’ get oot’ soon-like…
‘BEACH: Oh, and Shatner is going to be a show with the word EDITED in the title. I got some popcorn stuck in my teeth. My car insurance bill was a little high this month. Oh, yeah- BND’s in jail. Seems he tazed a cop.
BND: Nigh! I teased her! Teased her wit’ me irr’assistable manly charms. And some Lucky Charms I had stuck on me chest from breakfast.
HARRY BALLZ: I’m going away again…
COMPUTER: How do you feel?
Oh I kidz….
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I see the filth never ends….it warms my heart.
Happy birthday to me!
Happy gettin’ older day, Closetrekker!
How many candles? Do we need to call 9-1-1?
No need for the stretcher yet….but I wouldn’t mind a nurse!
Calling Nurse Chapel! Lipstand needed by Closettrekker, STAT!!
830
How does 829 make my teeth feel?
“Old……….worn out!”
“Star Trek: Invasion” cont basic premise
As the Enterprise continues on course, Kirk attempts to contact Admiral Pike directly. There is no respose from the Admiral, only from Star Fleet HQ’s, with “Continue mission. will relay message to Admiral Pike, END COMM.”Kirk is now frustrated. Kirk implies to Spock that he may in fact disobey orders and return to the Andorian home world to investigate further. Spock states that it would be unwise to do so because while monitoring Andorian space on long range sensors, he has detected several Federation Star Ships in orbit. Kirk finally agrees but orders that Spock attempt to contact any Andorian star ships that may be in the area, or any Andorian colonies or outposts.
Back on the Andorian home world crews from both Star Ships are at the “base site”. A large group standing guard, with phaser rifles. A couple of federation and Andorian Scientist are inside the structure scanning the various computers and structures within. The technology is highly advanced. It is very difficult for the Scientist to even determine what type of software language the computers use, or what language is displayed on the various screens and projectors. On one of the larger screens are words or symbols that flash in a continuous manner, repeating over and over. After scanning with the universal translator “Ultra” (the most advanced translating device, proto-type) one Federation scientist believes the symbols translate to the english letters and word “TTA reset” upon further use of the UTU he thinks that the letters TTA mean “This Time Around” together it may say, “This Time Around Reset”.
At this time one of the scientist reads a massive energy build up within the structure, he realizes its an incredibly powerful signal, directed towards space. In an instant, energy beams, the power of atom bombs begin to smash into the planet. The vast Andorian capital city is decimated, its great structures reduced to rubble. The energy beams hit every major city on the planet, reducing them to rubble as well, vaporizing millions of Andorians in seconds and frying every electronic and technical device, the planet goes dark….
Then what happens!?!?!?
“Star Trek: Invasion” basic premise cont
The beams continue to destroy cities across the planet. With each hit of the ray beam, another million plus andorians are vaporized. The entire planet is utterly in rubbles. Its cities are reduced to ashes, its technology gone, destroyed, burnt and erased. The result is horific, all cities on the Andorian planet are destroyed, its energy production units, gone. Its technology burned beyond recognition, but more is to come. As the massive Ray beams stop, another powerful beam is sent out, not just into sapce, but also transmited on the planet. This beam attacks the Andorians minds! The few Andorians that have survived are hit with this beam.
They begin to lose their memory. Not only of recent events (memories of days or weeks ago) but of events that have happened years ago, every thing that has happened in their lives, family, friends, childhood, living in an advanced society, it all starts to become unknown to them. Those things finally become totally lost to them, and a new awareness becomes real, Food, shelter, protection, sex, not the comfort of the advanced civilization they have known, where these things were easy to obtain, but one of instinct, without thinking, just surviving on a minute by minute bases…..
“energy beams, the power of atom bombs begin to smash into the planet.”
Are the beams from off-world, or from the secret hi-tech installations the teams discovered just prior to the ‘attack?’
Anyway, keep going!
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters 0800
Kirk: “Is that French Roast I smell, hon?”
Spock: “Affirmative.”
Kirk: “Why don’t you nuke up some fried eggs and sausages as well?”
Spock: “Because you are fat. I will call up Klingon wheat cakes and Andorian throg’s neck. from the replicator.”
Kirk: “That sounds repulsive, but at least you’re looking after me, Spockaroonie.”
Spock: “It is only logical. Dear”
Kirk: Oh, Spock!”
FIN
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters. 0215.
Kirk: “Ohh! And THIS! is for ALL! the TIMES! you gave me incorrect status REPORTS! with regard to FEDERATION! worlds’ WEATHER! Uhhh!”
Spock: “That would be 0.64537838. innacuracy. I endeavour to be accurate.”
Kirk: “Yes you do, Mr. Spock. Worthy of another ass-pounding, for sure.”
Spock: “For sure…”
FIN
842
AJ
I appreciate how you were able to blend the Shat’s speaking style with an ass-pounding!
Now there’s something that has “the merit of never having been tried”!
Hey, no joke, it’s on the news that Walter Koenig’s son is missing! He was last seen in Vancouver a few days back! Nobody knows what happened to him! Check it out!
842. AJ…I think I love you.
More, please?
Prayers for the Koenig family.
Star Trek: Invasion basic outline cont…
Spock reads of the destruction that has just happened on the Andorian home world from long range scanners and quickly tells Kirk. Kirk orders a complete 180 degree turn, at warp 6. Continued attempts at communication are meet with silence. Spock is also monitoring the Andorian colonies in the sector, it appears that every colony has been destroyed, with no life sign readings left. When the Enterprise finally arrives there is no sign of the two federation ships, or any ships for that matter. the planet is scanned. Spock reads that there is no functioning technology, no energy being produced, and possibly only a million or less Andorians left, scattered around the planet.
At this time Sulu detetcts an aproaching Andorian star ship. They attempt to hail the vessel but there is no reply. They are able to open a visual channel to the bridge though. What they see is stunning, the bridge crew appear to be confused, some are fighting each other, a few others are having open sex. Their uniforms are torn, some have even torn them totally off. Sulu informs Kirk that the ship is on an collision course with the planet. Kirk tries to to warn them, but only one Andorian hears this, and comes to the view screen, looking as if he is unsure what he is seeing and hearing, then begins to grunt, yell and throws a device at the it. Kirk tells sulu to try and use a tractor beam, but the ship was to distant to do so. The same problem for attempting to use transporter as. The ship plunges at high velocity into the planets atmosphere, and smashes on the surface. Kirk dejected, orders an away mission “The answer to whats happening here is in that base, and we’re going down there!……..
“Kirk dejected, orders an away mission”
Nitpicky Trekkie that I am… In TOS, it’s a “landing party.” “Away missions” are TNG-era.
But, don’t let my bitchiness stop you. Please continue.
Just watched Law Abiding Citizen…enjoyed it, it really moved along! Last 5 minutes kind of stupid, though! Other than that, worth watching.
Star Trek: Invasion basic outline cont
The away team beams down to the base, it is still there, untouched by the destruction that has destroyed the rest of the planet, but the Federation and Andorian Scientist are gone. Kirk tells Spock that they have to access more data from the computers that are inside. Spock does locate the UTU device and other equipment that was left. He goes over the data the scientist were gathering, including the translations of the computer symbols into the the words “This Time Around…Reset”. After boosting the output of the UTU, Spock thinks he can access more data from the computer. Both Kirk and Spock watch, images begin to appear on the screen, the first ones are those of the destruction of the planet, then it continues back to the recent times, as it did before. images of various important historical events are shown, the images appear to be a record of the entire history of the Andorian race, with exact dates given for each image. It continues to display events, going back in time, again to the earliest start of the species, Then it stops. Mr Spock believes that there is more data though and continues to try and access it.
After a brief period Spock is succesful in starting the holographic screen again. As they both watch they see images that give a date of a little over a million years ago. What is unusual is that these images are almost identical to the ones that they just viewed. It shows the Andorians, highly advanced, its cities almost the same as they were just days ago, Star Ships in orbit, its technology the same. it Also shows, as the recent recordings did, the planet being destroyed in the exact same manner that it just was, But then an image appears that is different, it gives a date earlier than the planets destuction, it shows objects, perhapes vessels of some kind, but unlike any that Kirk and Spock are familiar with appearing in the Andorian sky. They glow with beautiful lights and colors, and they appear almost as if constructed out of crystal, but also look organic, alive somehow…..
In light of my little SW Saga rewrite, I stumbled across this:
http://motivatedphotos.com/?id=69736
and found it amusingly appropriate…
843:
Always trying to break new ground, Harry. You know that.
STAR TREK
A corridor.
McCoy: “Spock?”
Spock: “Yes, Doctor.”
McCoy: “Are you limping?”
Spock: “Not any more than usual.”
McCoy: “I order you to come to sickbay for an exam.”
Spock: “Doctor, that will not be necessary. I…”
McCoy: “Spock! I order you. Now c’mon with me.” Spock and McCoy leave for sickbay.
Commercial
And now, back to Star Trek!
Sickbay.
McCoy (looking with Kirk at a schematic of Spock’s rectum) “Here, and here. Jim? What in the blazes do you do to each other? I had to repair one of the contusions. The other will have to heal on its own. I can’t reach it!”
Kirk: “We….F**ck each other, Bones. We, we use our penises to penetrate one another anally, a brutal, yet pleasant experience based deep in human antiquity…”
McCoy: “I know, Jim! I know the practice and the psychology behind it. But Spock’s ass simply can’t stand the pounding!”
Kirk: “He’s a Vulcan. He has redundant sphincters and alternate fecal evacuation channels”
McCoy: “Not any more!”
Kirk: “Oh. You’re a healer…heal him!”
McCoy: “Don’t you get me started, Jim! I had to pull a whole 3D chess set of of your ass last week. If I have to do it again, I’ll have to make a note in my log.”
Kirk: “You…don’t…want to do that Bones, I…I’d be grateful if you didn’t.”
McCoy: “Then calm it down for a while!”
Spock (whispers) “Jim!”
McCoy: “Good! He’s coming around!”
Spock: “Sit on my face and tell me that you love me!”
McCoy: “I think I’ll go get a cup of coffee.”
Kirk: “Thanks, Bones!”
FIN
851 – Sacrilege! But, funny of course.
There’s just something about SW’s “dirty space” that irks me. While steam-driven turbines may be a basic tool, I really hope we come up with something better to get us to the stars. Dunno. Whatever, I guess.
Frankly, I’m down with the basic premises of the technologies, hyperdrive, droids, lightsabers, blasters, etc. I’ll suspend my disbelief (hard to do for an Engineer) and accept them at face value. I just don’t care to see the pipes and wires and gizmos that make it go.
But, consider that, at least in the Original Trilogy, story and character motivations were more inportant than technology.
Prequels? Opposite was true, though in the more real-world sense that Lucas, so enamored of the advances in movie technologies that had finally let him make the movies he wanted to make, failed to fully ask himself why he was making them.
853 – Well said. Lucas said he made SW to recapture the Saturday Matinee wonderments of his youth. The prequels look like they were made to make money, which of course they did.
One of the wonderments, to me, of 60’s sci-fi is the ‘magic technology.’ You could do just about anything with the help of a gadget the size of a tv remote. Something was lost in the 80s, when TNG and other franchises began explaining how things worked. Fine, as far as it goes. But, try watching TNG now and see how boring it is to hear 80s technospeak cover topics, like computers, that YOU know more about because real science has outstripped sci-fi in a few short decades.
I also agree that the Budprise engineering section is fugly. I never knew how Scotty and company kept the Big E flying with only some squeaky clean tools and jellybean-covered control panels. But, I liked it. I LIKE the smooth white hull of the E. (Or for that matter, the simple curves of the Jupiter II or the Spindrift or the tv Batmobile or Mach V.) Just give me the outline of what things do and under what circumstances they will break down, and let it go. I don’t need to see the pipes, or hear about how they work on circa 2009 knowledge. Said another way: Try reading Michael Crichton’s technothrillers from decades past (Rising Son, Swarm, Jurassic Park) and see how many pages you find yourself skipping. That is, unless you’re still awestruck by digital cameras and Cray computers.
The Budprise is a budget issue which I am sure will be addressed in the next film.
We get to hear all the “blah blah” design bullshit from the guys who were told Engineering has had its budget cut. We just have to wait a few years until the real story comes out and the production designer says, “we had no money” to hear the real story. Hopefully, Trek XII will give us some Engineering candy.
Everyone have a nice weekend? It was music, music everywhere for me.
AJ — I’m not arguing with your assessment as far as money. Honestly, I just think the set designers underestimated the clarity of modern film. It doesn’t cost a whole helluva lot to cover bolted vat covers and hanging chains with something techno-looking. I think they wanted “big and functional-looking” but they got ‘Duff in Space.’ Oooooooh-YEAH!
I look forward to ST2012
Ah, fug me sideways!
Meebo blocked again! Shucks.
Fun while it lasted…
855:
If they listen to the fans (here and elsewhere) like they claim to have been, they HAVE to have heard all the bitching about Brewngineering. Mayhap AJ is right. They’ll either CG it up next time or make an effort to built a set for it. Real-word grounding is fine, when the audience generally doesn’t know what it’s looking at. But that set was painfully obviously a factory of some kind, so they blew it on that one.
As an Engineer who deals with cargo and other piping on these river barges, I can say that the idea of showing conduits and piping and coolant tracers and what not running THROUGH engineering is fine. It all has to go to a central control point somewhere. But that Budweiser thing was just too much.
Damn straight, ‘Beach!
But, leave a few kegs so the cast and crew can kick back between takes.
“beers to ya, laddie!”
Alright, fine then. Leave it Brewngeneering, but CG out/over some of the more obvious terrestrial stuff.
Oh, but leave the big holding tanks. Gotta keep our crew happy!
Bellllllllllllllllllllllllllcccccchh!!!!!!
Seriously though, the idea that the warp core is actually a number of cores, each operating/powering a certain part of the ship’s systems (i.e. impulse drive, weapons, shields, life support, etc.), but at warp speeds are all interconnecting and humming along all at once and powering the warp drive. That would help explain Scotty in the film ejecting three or four individual pieces instead of a single, TNG-like core.
Fug me.
Seriously though, the idea…but at warp speeds are all interconnecting and humming along all at once and powering the warp drive… is interesting Somehow sort of skipped that part…
Let’s try this again, dammit:
I meant to say it like this:
Seriously though, the idea that the warp core is actually a number of cores, each operating/powering a certain part of the ship’s systems (i.e. impulse drive, weapons, shields, life support, etc.), but at warp speeds are all interconnecting and humming along all at once and powering the warp drive, is an interesting one to me. That would help explain Scotty in the film ejecting three or four individual pieces instead of a single, TNG-like core.
I am such a dumb-ass….
Do we ever SEE Scotty promoted to Chief Engineer? He shows up wet and then he’s got a job. I guess that’s no worse than Kirk’s promotional sequence.
No, he just sort of takes over, doesn’t he?
Wrap your brain around this one, then:
It could be that Scott was an Engineer (possibly a Chief) elsewhere before the “Archer’s Beagle” debacle, and Delta Vega ‘entombment’. The line about “my instructor” could just mean that that’s who he had the disagreement with over how far one could transport something, and was not meant to imply that Scott himself was a student. His successful mission aboard Enterprise in defeating the threat of Nero could have given Scotty clout sufficient to have himself (and presumably Keenser) posted anywhere they wanted.
Re: #866 Beach
“I am such a dumb-ass….”
Well, double-dumb-ass on you, then. Oh, wait a minute, I don’t think I have mastered the proper use of my expletives yet…
;-)
Have a good day, everyone.
ktg
SCOTTY: Oh, this whole engineerin’ section is makin’ me thirsty!
CREWMAN ROTGUT: Sir! There’s a problem with intercooler tank B-11! I think someone’s in it!
SCOTTY: Awwwwk! Open ‘er up then! (throws rock to break open tank)
BND: (inside brewing tank) Oooooooh… is it just me or be this some strange brew ye’ be makin’?
SCOTTY: That’s not beer, lad! It’s, errrrr… warpcore plasma coolant!
CREWMAM ROTGUT: Sir! There’s a fire in astro-physio warpdrive relay number 10.2!
BND: I got this one lad. (unzips, pees on astro-physio warpdrive relay number 10.2)
SCOTTY: It’s… it’s green!
BND: Oh, and I supposes yer’ pee always be a shade o’ yeller there! Well, let’s open up another o’ these brew tanks and have us a party!
(an hour later)
UHURU: Ohhhhh… what happened? Why is that sailor wearing my delta shield embroidered panties?
SCOTTY: I got… I gots this here tv remote device… that the aliens were usin’ (hic) againt’ us!
BND: Awwwwwwk! That be me telly remote fur’ sure… but all it does is put on reruns o’ “The Prisoner”…
SCOTTY: That English basterd! (hic) Kill tha’ English!
BND: Look, I took apart yer’ warpy-core inta’ several pieces… wanna’ eject them inta’ that spacey anamohonal… animally… anally… anamoly?
SCOTTY: Ejectin’ core- help me chuck ‘em otta’ these portholes… By God, this CGI techno is crap. And not Scottish at all! If it ain’t Scottish, it be crap. Let’s chuck oot’ tha; wee green man as well… he’s puchin’ me buttons…
BND: Oh, tha’ wee green lad just likes yer’ belly button is all… I’ll puch it too… see if tartan comes a’oot’…
KIRK: Scotty! We’re being sucked into Nero’s hole! You have to do something… Hey, are you ejecting the warp core?
SCOTTY: Aye… uhhhhh… somehow junkin’ these here warp tubes’ll get us out o’ Nero’s hole…
KIRK: Won’t it take us years to get back to earth then?
SCOTTY: Shut yer’ trap, Piney Log! We’ll get a seven year deal outta’ gettin’ back ta’ Earth then! A whole (hic) series wit’ bosumy’-Borg and such…
KIRK: Pine’s Log, Stardate something something… we are about to start a whole new adventure trying to get back to Earth with only impulse power…
SPOCK: We are dangerously low on Cheet-O’s, captain. And… say, is that sailor wearing my girlfriend’s undergarment?
BND: Awwwwwwwk! Dunna’ jail me, pointy eared jaundice spacey bloke! These delta shield embroidered pantaloons are mine… yeah, that’s tha’ ticket. They, uhhhhhh… sure arrrrrrrr mine and not hers. If they fit, ye’ must acquit!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Okay, as crazy as it may be to be to doing this…this is a story of mine that I’m trying to write and am getting stuck on. If anyone has any ideas/opinions on how I should continue, please let me know. It’d be greatly appreciated. :)
Blush
He should’ve been used to it by now.
Jim Kirk almost always had some obsession going, sometimes more than one at a time, and they almost always involved someone or something highly attractive.
So really, it should not have been as much of a surprise as it was to realize that he was currently enamored with his first officer’s blush.
Okay, well, not just the blush. He was completely in love with all of Spock. The blush thing was more like…an obsession within an obsession.
It had all started with the mind meld back on Delta Vega. Spock Prime had accidentally given Jim far more memories than he had meant to, which started coming out in Jim’s dreams. He had immediately contacted the ambassador, who in turn promised to remove the memories as soon as possible. It had taken a while, and the process had been very messy, but Jim had finally managed to get himself to New Vulcan a few weeks ago. Spock’s counterpart had removed the memories, and Jim’s life went back to normal…for all of about two days.
Not long after his return to the ship, the dreams came back, but they were different. The first dreams had been Spock’s counterpart and his own making love and, afterwards, the older Jim telling Spock he had used that particular position so he would be able to see Spock’s face, making the Vulcan blush. And, as mushy as it sounded to even think it, the whole thing was utterly beautiful—the sex, of course, but also their counterparts’ obvious love for another, and especially Spock’s blush, the light dusting of green over his cheeks and the tips of his ears.
Anyway. After Spock’s counterpart had removed the memories, the dreams were absent for two whole nights before they returned in vivid clarity, but this time they were different. This time, the dream was from his point of view, not Spock’s, and it wasn’t his and Spock’s counterparts having sex. It was them.
The first time it happened, he had woken up in the middle of the night, breathing heavily, his sheets wet with something other than sweat, Spock’s blushing face still in his mind.
At first, the new dreams freaked him out even more than the old ones, because the changes to the dreams meant that what he felt in them was his own and therefore could not be fixed by Spock Prime, which he found to be highly disconcerting to say the least.
After a little while, however, he had come to terms with his attraction to his first officer and was now almost entirely focused on getting said first officer to blush, which was proving to be difficult, but not impossible. Several of his more suggestive remarks made on the Bridge had actually made Spock not only blush, but also stutter momentarily. It was pretty damn cute, actually.
But Jim wanted more. He didn’t want just the blush, he wanted Spock, and he wanted to make Spock blush for a reason other than that his captain was being inappropriate. He just didn’t know how.
________________________________________
Spock was flustered. Unsurprisingly, Captain James T. Kirk was the cause.
What were surprising were the actual reasons for Spock’s state.
Recently, the captain appeared to have taken to trying to ‘flirt’ with Spock, but in a joking manner. He would often utter suggestive comments on the Bridge which he pretended to direct at Spock, but that was not the root of the Vulcan’s problem.
His problem was the touches.
Ironically, the fact that he was a touch telepath had very little bearing on the issue—since he had terminated his relationship with Nyota, his mental shields always remained up and at full capacity, so emotional transference was highly unlikely. What did bother him was how, though the captain’s body temperature was cooler than his own, every spot that Jim touched seemed to burn him and, also, how much he found himself longing for the captain’s touch when it was gone, more than he had ever desired anything in his life. It was slightly disconcerting and caused Spock to have to re-think every conclusion he’d ever made about their relationship.
After a considerable amount of meditation (for Spock really did not want to believe this), he was finally able to admit to himself that he had feelings for the captain that went beyond friendship. And for some reason, every time after this revelation that Jim made a suggestive comment or, worse, touched Spock, Spock found himself entirely unable to contain a rush of blood flowing to his face, a rampant blush spreading from his cheeks to the tips if his ears. It was utterly confusing, as well as embarrassing. He had no idea what to do—about his reaction, and about his feelings for the captain.
Not for the first time that day, Spock ran a hand lightly through his hair and couldn’t help wishing that his mother were here. She would have been able to help.
Quite suddenly, the chime on Spock’s door rang, followed by footsteps which sounded exactly like his captain’s. Spock jumped slightly and immediately reached up to flatten his hair again, not wanting Jim to see him in a state like this. It was bad enough that Spock could barely conceal his emotions whenever the other man touched him.
Boyo- thar’ be a lot ta’ read this day! All good… but all good things do end… like this…
SPOT’S WORLD
A Cat’s Eye View of TNG
Purrrrr-sonal Log Entry 4:
SPOT: Hmmmmm… my primary slave is a robot who’s always cold. Brrrrrrr! His touch is like ice. And just because he put tuna down his pants does mean I will jump upon his lap. Hmmmph!
Purrrrr-sonal Log ENTRY 35:
SPOT: This slave with a bumpy head is not holding me right. Let’s see if he likes a little scar on his head!
WORF: Rarrrrrrrrg! This animal of yours has clawed me, Commander! And… and I feel like crying… and sneezing.
SPOT: Note in log- leave one in bumpy headed slave’s bed.
Purrrrr-sonal Log Entry 37:
SPOT: The slave with the air cleaner on his head does not seem to like me. I will annoy him by paying attention to him then.
Purrrrr-sonal Log Entry 42:
SPOT: The one thick lipped slave who gives obvious advice has turned into a giant fish! Yummy! But… somehow I have turned into an iguana? And I just want to eat bugs. Talk about irony.
Purrrrr-sonal Log Entry 47:
SPOT: Well, the slaves have destroyed their pen, crashing it into the ground. I’m going to hideout in this ductwork until one of them can get me new accommodations. Why is my primary robot slave crying? I should scratch him…
BND: Awwwwwww, isn’t this just so cute-like? Makes me quick on gin, it does! Ta’ tha’ engineerin’ section!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Ok Im running a bit long and need to be able to sit down and write out some of the story on paper for Star Trek: Invasion for the more indepth details that should be in it. (keep in mind Im no writter lol) But here is the very basic story line from start to finish. Later I’ll add or take away story, and add greater detail. (even might use spell check)
Star Trek: Invasion “Very rough draft”
Story starts with the discovery of an ancient alien base on the Andorian home world. The Enterprise is sent to investigate. They discover its been there for a very long time and has advanced computers and biological devices that deal with DNA. Its also assumed that the entire Andorian species has been monitored and possibly influenced from this base since its very beginings, perhapes even having been created by this structure. It is also discovered that many planets in the sector have such bases on them.
The Enterprise is sent away on orders but keeps watch over what is happening on the Andorian home world. With a powerful signal from the base the Andorian home world is destroyed and reduced back to the stone age. The Enterprise goes back to the planet to hack into the computers to discover what its purpose is and why the planet was destroyed. They discover that the planet was destroyed once before over a million years prior exactly like it just was. The Andorian home world was almost exactly like it was now a million years ago. Even the cities where the same. But unlike this time, There appears to have been an alien landing on the planet with beautiful creatures (anglelic like) appearing to the people. these angelic beings seem to convince the Andorians to gather for war against what the beings call, the “heritics, or infidels” on other planets. There does appear to have been a great war that happened, but then the alien objects leave and the destruction of the Andorian world occurs. Spock also thinks that the destruction of the planet this time was a mistake, somehow caused by finding the base and activating some of its devices.
The Enterprise then goes to earth and finds a very similar base, it two appears to have had direct influence over the human race from its beginings and the historic events on earth. As with the computer on the Andorian home world it shows events that are current, all the way back to primative man. Then exactly as the other base computer view screen did, it stops and then starts again, giving images with a date of over a million years ago, with the Earth almost exactly as it is now, the technology and people the same. In fact it shows the whole United Federation of Planets as it is now. On Earth there were also these angelic alien objects and beings, and it seems that the Federation was going to war “against the heritics and infidels” on other planets “with Kirk and the Enterprise leading the fleet!!. Then it shows Earth being destroyed just like the Andorian home world.
At this time in a timeless dimension (or universe) two “All powerful” beings notice what has happened and begin to send “Objects” (some objects represent good, other objects evil) to all the planets in the sector, including earth. Kirk and crew confront the angelic beings in the crafts. The beings tell them that they are from “God” and that he is returning. They must do his bidding and go to war against his enemies (Romulans, Klingons, other war like races in the sector). This is also happening at the same time on those planets as well, the beings telling those races they must go to holy war against The Federation. The creatures begin to use powerful telepathy and coherce the planets in the sector to go to war with masses of star ships, and a mighty battle in space begins.
Kirk and crew are able to resist this and decide they must fight these angelic like beings and somehow defeat the supposed “God(s). NOTE: STILL WORKING ON THIS ASPECT OF THE STORY
What is finally realized is that two all powerful beings came to this universe and decided to make a contest between them. They would create whole species “pieces” as they thought of them and basically have a game of chess using these primative creatures they created as pawns. But the contest ended in a stale mate the first time around and the beings decided to destroy what they created (or put the chess board and peices back in the box so to speak) And play the game over again this time around………..
God is a “chess piece”? What a rook!
rose- Good narrative! More please! And while you are at it, post this on the ksarchive.
Rose, I’m liking what I see. I promise to get that Wicked version up as soon as possible. It’s just a busy-as-frak week for me.
Wow. The muse is working overtime. MORE, MORE, everyone! Nicely done, rose! BND — “The one thick lipped slave who gives obvious advice has turned into a giant fish! Yummy!” Another classic! Hugh, keep going! Does Kirk get to speechify at the gods? MORE, MORE, everyone! Trek me harder!
Aye… Thanke’… and ye’ be a cat lover, I see, CmdrR…
See Spot run…
Oh, I kidz…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
CmdrR yes he sure does, in typical Kirk fashion! Im thinking that one of the fake gods actually toss him into hell (which is another dimension) for his defiance, and of course he escapes.
Cute devilettes in hellmension? Kirk hasta get his bit of pointy tail.
STAR TREK
Kirk: “Do you blush?”
Spock: “No, sir, I do not.”
Kirk: “Bullshit.”
Spock: “I wish you’d stop using that word..”
Kirk: “There! You just blushed!”
Spock: “I did not.”
Kirk: “Now you’re lying!”
Spock: “I cannot tell a lie.”
Kirk: “Bullshit.”
Spock: *SIGH*
Kirk: “There! You blushed again!”
FIN
Maybe he should have said, “blush-shit”!
Happy “Defenders of the Fatherland” Day to all men in CHAT! This is a day made by men for men. so hoist a cold one or two as your ladies/significant others make a fuss assuring you’re comfy, fully fed and watered as you lie back on that couch watching sweet Olympic hockey (sorry, Harry!).
But, don’t get too comfy, because the lovely ladies have “Women’s Day” coming on March 8th, and will expect fresh flowers and breakfast in bed, and if you’re good, they may even join you on said couch later for FOX’s “Animation Domination.”
I love the holidays….
Olympic hockey?? Aw, go puck yourself!!
I’m just gonna get up and get the puck outta here!
TOG–Don’t worry about it. This one isn’t likely to get finished for a while either…my parents just got home from their cruise, which means a little less time on the computer…however, my dad did bring back two Star Trek books from the ship’s library for me. I suppose they’ll be a tad overdue by the time he gets them back…oh, well. Thank you, though!
I once knew a guy who shipped himself in a harp case.
That took a lot of pluck…
SISKO: I hereby mandate this to be “Man Day!”
BND: Awwwwwwk! Ye’ wanna’ go on a man-date wit’ me then?
SISKO: Well… (looks nervously at Dax) Uh no, crewman.
BND: Awww, c’mon thar’! We could go skippin’ through tha’ pastoral fields o’ Bajor! Walk tha’ Targ on a leash through meadows o’ yellow bliss and then set up a blankie, fry tha’ Targ and eat it.
SISKO: It does sound nice. Let’s do it, man! (Dax shakes his/her head)
BND: Hey- ye’ know up close… yer’ a bloke!
SISKO: What? Of course I am. You thought I was a woman?
BND: Aye.
SISKO: But I have a beard.
BND: So? I knew this Manchester lass who could sop up tha’ suds wit’ her four day growth. Gave me an awful rash as well.
SISKO: But I’m bald.
BND: Oh, see thar’ I thought ye’ were one o’ them skinheaded sex vixens from TMP.
SISKO: This isn’t going to work, mister. Go back to your station. Help Dax fix that rear vertion conduction plunger.
BND: Well, guess I spoiled this here Man Day.
DAX: Don’t feel bad. He keeps calling me “old man.”
BND: Awwwwk! Ain’t anyone a’board a lass?
QUARK: (dressed in a dress) Hello sailor. Care for some rum?
BND: Awwwwwk! Even tha’ lasses are men! I see a pattern developin’ here… a pattern o’ farce…
QUARK: Step into my Tholian web and we’ll see if we can make this day better for you. (steals BND’s wallet) Hey- you only have condom wrappers in here! Get lost, bub.
BND: Ye’ know, on some planets that be good currency. Why, isn’t tha’ Fedarrrrration dedicated ta’ tha’ protection o’ other species?
KIRA: We don’t need your stinking protection. We are a proud race that’s back on its feet again.
BND: Are ye’ sure? It seems that blob behind ye’ is trying ta’ undo yer tunic. Bad blob! Bad blob! Shoo thar’.
(an hour later, BND is in the brig)
BND: Someone get me outta’ here! I didda’ not know that blob wuz’ a copper! And it wouldn’t fit down tha’ loo! Help!
D’ABO GIRL: Oh, be quiet. They got me on… well “being too friendly” charges. Say, how about we make this a good Man Day after all?
BND: Oh, things be looking up!
D’ABO GIRL: Good, then fifty dollar! Or twelve condom wrappers.
BND: Can I owe ye’?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
First Guy with a bag over his shoulder walks into a pub, sits down at the bar. He takes a miniature piano out of the bag, sets it on the bar. This is followed by one-foot-tall man, who sits at the piano and begins to play beautifully.
Second Guy asks First Guy, “Where did you get this wonder?”
First Guy produces from the bag an ancient-looking brass lamp. “Rub this,” he directs.
Second Guy rubs the lamp as he was told, a Great Genie appears.
“HOW MAY I SERVE YOU, MASTER?” the Djinn says in his booming voice.
Second Guy says, “I want a million bucks.”
The Genie snaps his great fingers and disappears. INSTANTLY and at once a flock of ducks numbering in the seven figures fills the pub.
Second Guy is furious. “I asked for a million dollars. You know, bucks, not ducks.”
First Guy shakes his head and tells him, “You really didn’t think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist. did you?”
This be from Lord Tribbleton’s 1823 Naval Diary- a tale o’ me great great (and so ons) grandpappy’s search fur’ his first sea farin’ commission… We Tribbletons have always been sea-farin’ blokes… why just yesterday I wuz’ in me Epsom-salt bathe and playin’ wit’ me dingies…
Lord Hugo Bonafard Tribbleton’s Diary Excerpt:
I had just passed SeaFleet Acadamie and was quite well eager to serve. Though, knowing I, it would be months on end with no lady’s curves.
But I was determined to make water and stay at sea until I dies, and I found me a ship that was ideally called “Enterprize.”
“Ahoy,” yelled I, in my fluffy red sailing suit. The Captain named Kirque through me a salute.
Spoke Kirque, ” Come aboard, young lad, and I’ll teach the sea. And show you the leaches that bleed out vd.”
Though puzzling was his offer I still bounded in motion aboard as I believed this Kirque Captain would be my first ocean lord.
Spoke Kirque, “Here is First Mate, Spoque, to show you the ropes. Let’s all go into my cabin and get you nigh known.”
Capitan Kirque and Mr. Spoque ushered me into the captain’s cabin decked out in lace shades, and, with hushed voices, explained to me how things work in this man’s naval brigade.
Spoke Kirque, “Since there are no women amongst all the crew, we put pantaloons on Mr. Spoque and give him the salute.”
In firstly, secondary, and thirdly horror I gazed upon my masters’ and commanders’ rectification, and squealed out a sound quite like a duck billed platypus during its poopdeck examination.
Spoke Spoque, “The docking clamps from this vessel are soon to be released, so will you join us in voyages with logic and this grease?”
Running to the gangplank, I jumped for all my worth. Because I knew if I stayed, no sex aboard could produce any birth. I swam high to drydock and scuttled to land. A kilt-wearing chappie reached out for my hand.
“I be Mr. Scotch,” said he as his kilt blew up above his trunk. I truly wish now that I had been drunk.
Spoke Scotch, “Our ship is leavin’ ye’ now, Mr. Tribbleton. I’m sorry lad, that ye’ ain’t a guy fingerin’ one.”
Scotch boarded a dingy and ran it into the ship. I decided it was time for me take a Tahitian trip. So I looked for a vessel with no sodomy, looked as lo and high as the tides, and finally… I found one named “Bounty.” How could I go wrong with this captain named Bligh?
It be a wonder me great, great (and so on) grandpappy actually survived. Awwwwk! Funny thing… that olde’ ship had phaze cannons… since it wuz’ made o’ wood, well, that wuz’ a bad thing… good thing tha’ ocean be made o’ water ta’ put oot’ fires…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I can’t seem to get on the Meebo from my current connection. Darn.
880. CmdrR – February 22, 2010
Cute devilettes in hellmension? Kirk hasta get his bit of pointy tail.
Now that has definite potential. Im trying to think what this hell dimension is actually like. Im leaning towards kirk finding others that are there to and with their help thats how he escapes, maybe even bringing them to help fight the fake god (s).
891: I think I saw that guy in that Mel Gibson movie. Wasn’t he the one being chased by cannibals?
Or…wait…maybe that was some Pirates of the Caribbean movie. My bad.
893 – kewl!
Just remember me when JJ calls and buys the rights for $439,582,452,893,475,239,842,734,395,824,925,875,239,857.92*
Maybe I could collate the scripts… or be a fluffer for Zoe. I don’t care. I just really need to work, man!
*3D really jacks up the price of making a flick
Denise: Men need fluffers. Women don’t need fluffers.
CmdrR: If Zoe is playing a love scene with Zach or Chris, you’re probably right. But, if she’s kissing Shat, that’s when Paramount-her calls me.
Awwwwwk… great, great (and so on) grandpappy didda’ not dine wit’ tha’ cannibals but wuz’ chased…
Some say he wuz’ eaten wit’ a nice papaya sauce- others say he survived on a remote-like island… but I say he went native and flung hisself aboard a whalin’ vessel (like Queequeg) met me great, great (and so ons) grandy-mama in some wee North Carolina-like sandbar… and peed a lotta’ rum outta’ his spout…
Nonetheless, Mel Gibson owes me retributions… I mean… errr… reparations…
Happy Man Day, all…
Dunna’ furget ta’ pee on tha’ seat…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
rose: Men are pigs.
CmdrR: True. And women are truffles.
So, the old commercials were right when they said, “truffles have ridges!”
(runs and hides)
898. Uh-huh. But I knew that already, sweetie. I’m just glad you guys have good treats for yourselves here. :)
And Harry…I think that’s only true if you’re dating a Klingon; maybe you should check.
Men are not pigs!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go unbury my bedroom floor from all the dirty clothes and towels.
*Belches loudly then scratches ass on the way out*
Huzzah for free moments in between classes!
Just like one of my favourite movies……….A Ridge Too Far!
Not to mention……The Ridges Of Madison County!
Ancient Greece… a sailing vessel reaches Circe’s island…
GREEK BND: Awwwk! Me men are all turned ta’ swine! By Odin’s beard… uhhhh, I mean Zoosays’ beard! How will young Arkimentaloo man tha’ rudder now when all he has is a pot belly and a curly-doo tail? Wait- thar’ be Apollo… help me, Apollo!
APOLLO: Sorry, but you’re on your own. I’m going to give a giant fisting to a starship in the future.
GREEK BND: Awwwwwwk… this be a good time ta’ end this short skit… let’s hope tha’ next one be better… and has ridges….
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Kirk was always good when working on b-ridges!
(well, er, except in Generations, of course!)
http://www.ajc.com/sports/uga/is-it-a-trap-325708.html?cxntlid=sldr_hm
SW fans shouldn’t read this article. It’s a trap!
Carolyn: Scotty, now that we’re safely back aboard, Nyota, Janice and I are throwing a toga party. We could use a boy to join us for some Bacchanalian debauchery.
Scotty: Ach, Lass. I’d love to. But, after the fisting that Numpty, Apollo gave the ship, I canno get the hangar bay doors ta close. It’ll take all night to make repairs.
Carolyn: I guess we’ll be open all night, too.
Scotty: I’ll have it done in 20 minutes!
Later…
Kirk: Scotty! I’m getting reports that the hangar bay doors don’t close all the way. I thought you repaired them last night. In fact, I thought you helped design the Constitution class’ unique clamshell doors. If there’s one man on board who knows clam, it’s you, Scotty! Now, I order you to bury your nose in that clam until it purrs!
Scotty & Carolyn: (in unison) Aye, sir!
Gives new meaning to the phrase, “clam up!”
895. CmdrR – February 23, 2010
893 – kewl!
Just remember me when JJ calls and buys the rights for $439,582,452,893,475,239,842,734,395,824,925,875,239,857.92*
Maybe I could collate the scripts… or be a fluffer for Zoe. I don’t care. I just really need to work, man!
*3D really jacks up the price of making a flick
He’s only going to offer the equivalent of his bi-weekly salary? I decline!!! (I do have my artisitic pride you know) :}
SISKO: Bring out the cake!
O’BRIEN: It’s a party!
PICARD: I despise these social… intrusions! Why the hell did I think I would enjoy a big family get-together when I was trapped in the Nexus? Bones of Zeus, I hate people.
TROI: Time to take my top off now?
RIKER: Dear God, Deanna- we’re married! No more of that for you.
B4: Commander Data would have wanted to see her boobies… siiiiiigh…
RIKER: Well, OK Deanna… but clam up if anyone gets fresh.
TROI: Clamming up is for the Amish! Let’s spoon it out!
PICARD: The counselor’s congo nuts have stirred something deep inside me… (goes to his cabin, contacts Starfleet Command)
JANEWAY: (on transmission) What is it Picard? You have a situation there on your ship?
PICARD: That’s what she said. Uhhhhh… no… Katherine… Kate… maybe you and I could, well, have some supper… drink some wine… stroke some things… perhaps I could investigate your anal inversion…
JANEWAY: What did you say?!!!
PICARD: I said perhaps I could investigate the alien invasion… of earth! Yes, that is it- you see… uhhhh… the Borg are back and… uhhhh… gunna’ kill you all. Picard out.
JANEWAY: Oh my God! How did you…(transmission cut by Picard)
WORF: These “Klingon Bring It Ons” are so much better than prune juice. But I still vomit every two hours.
GEORDI: Yup… like a reading rainbow on a sunny summer day, you can set your watch by Worf’s pukage. Remember kids, don’t drive or meet strange women in the holo-deck after you’ve had a few “Klingon Bring It Ons.” Mostly urine anyway.
WORF: Your visor says everything is urine! Bah!!! (blarrrrrrrrrging vomit)
O’BRIEN: At least I have the decency to shoot me stomach sheepshite on the transy-porter pads. I can then put me chunks in space.
RIKER: Oh God! Alien chunks are hitting the ship! Pink alert!
TROI: Don’t you mean “Red Alert?”
RIKER: Your panties are off and I thought… well… Oh crap- those chunks are soiling the ship! Hull plating or shields or deflectors or whatever the hell we do to protect this sci-fi vessel. Maybe add some extra coats of paint to it…
O’BRIEN: No… wait, commander. Those are my bits o’ vomit.
TROI: (nude) Go vomit! Go vomit! It’s your birthday!
SISKO: People! People! Is this any way to run a starship? Now then, be responsible officers of Starfleet; representatives of the finest and highest ideals and morals of every race we represent with these silly maroon, golden, and teal uniforms.
O’BRIEN: Take it off, baldy! Geez, I couldn’t even get him to strip when we were locked up on this planet and they demanded we take off our uniforms and…
DAX: Does anyone want to dance with an old man/hot model/Canadian starlett? These spots starting on my face lead right to THE spot!
KIRA: You all get away from her- she’s mine!!!!!!!!!!
BND: Gee…
B4: Spot!
RIKER: Data, B4… whatever… get your cat out off the bridge.
B4: You are correct to say that this not a wholesome environment for my small feline pet.
KIRA: Oh, give me some sugar, you dirty trill… and quit writing women so badly, BND!!!! You can watch… but put on some pants.
BND: Awwwwwwk burrrrp… whoweeeeeeee.
SPOCK: Well, I suppose I will let Nero kill all of these perverted wierdos after all. Who would want a future like this?
KIRK: Spock- I’ve come back from the 1960’s and… I… STILL… want you and… oh my God. You look like the mummy of Ramses the Second now… Kirk to… TRANSportER room… beam me into that singing Irish boy’s quarters…
SPOCK: Thrusters on full. Hey- what does that even mean?
BND: I think I need ta’ stop a’postin’….
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Star Trek: Invasion
“At this time in a timeless dimension (or universe) two “All powerful” beings notice what has happened and begin to send “Objects” (some objects represent good, other objects evil) to all the planets in the sector, including earth.”
One of the ” good type” of objects is exactly like the one described in Eziekiel, The Circles with flames and the four beings with different faces (lions, ect)
Ezekiel saw the wheel;
Way up in the middle of the air.
Now Ezekiel saw the wheel in a wheel;
Way in the middle of the air.
And the big wheel run by Faith, good Lordy;
And the little wheel run by the Grace of God;
In the wheel in the wheel in the wheel good Lord;
Way in the middle of the air.
To clarify some definitions that are contained in my story Star Trek: Invasion
LTA = Last Time Around, this is the first attempt by the two “gods” to have contest between themselves that ended in a draw. It was agreed by them both to end the game after the stale mate and re-play it again (a new game).
TTA = This Time Around, this is the contest re-started by the gods, but with slightly different rules added to the game so that a more potentially random outcome could happen (a true winner instead of a stale mate).
This is the type of vessel or ship that appears in the story on earth. Rather scary but its the one that Im thinking Kirk begins to ask questions to, and gets into trouble for doing so (sent to hell dimension).
EZEKIEL 1:4- 1:24
“And I looked, and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst therof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
(verse 5) Also out of the midst therof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.
(verse 6) And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.
(verse 7) And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf s foot and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.
(verse 8) And they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides; and they four had their faces and their wings.
(verse 9) Their wings were joined one to another; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.
(verse 10) As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.
(verse 11) Thus were their faces: and their wings’ were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.
(verse 12) And they went every one straight forward: whither the spirit was to go, they went; and they turned not when they went
(verse 13) As for the likeness of the living creatures, their appearance was like burning coals of fire, and like the appearance of lamps: it went up and down among the living creatures; and the fire was bright, and out of the fire went forth lightning.
(verse 14) And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning.
(verse 15) Now as I beheld the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the earth by the living creatures, with his four faces.
(verse 16) The appearance of the wheels and their work was like unto the colour of a beryl: and they four had one likeness: and their appearance and their work was as it were a middle of a wheel.
(verse 17) When they went they went upon their four sides: and they turned not when they went
(verse 18) As for their rings, they were so high that they were dreadful; and their rings were full of eyes round about them four.
(verse 19) And when the living creatures went, the wheels went by them: and when the living creatures were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up.
(verse 20) Whithersoever the spirit was to go, they went, thither was their spirit to go; and the wheels were lifted up over against them: for the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.
(verse 21) When those went, these went; and when those stood, these stood; and when those were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up over against them: for the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.
(verse 22) And the likeness of the firmament upon the heads of the living creature was as the colour of the terrible crystal, stretched forth over their heads above.
(verse 23) And under the firmament were their wings straight, the one toward the other: every one had two, which covered on this side, and every one had two, which covered on that side their bodies.
(verse 24) And when they went I heard the noise of their wings, like the noise of great waters; as the voice of the Almighty, the voice of speech, as the noise of an host when the: stood they let down their wings.”
And I hope Im not doing something here that violates any rules of this forum, if so, I will change the way I post.
Nah, Hugh, anything goes in the Chat Zone!!
(cue music)
dee, dee, dee, dee……..dee, dee, dee, dee………
My final idea with this story is of course is that mankind can achieve infinite power without the “aid” of some powerful being. In fact those beings “help” actually holds man back from gaining this state.
I visited the city of Dzerzhinsk today: Here is some background from Wikipedia:
“According to September 12, 2007 study by Blacksmith Institute (United States), Dzerzhinsk is one of the worst polluted cities of the world and has a life expectancy of 42 years for men and 47 for women, with 2003 death rate exceededing its birth rate by 260%.[5] Environmental action groups such as Greenpeace attribute such low life expectancy to high levels of persistent organic chemicals, particularly dioxins. Blacksmith Institute also names sarin, lewisite, sulfur mustard, hydrogen cyanide, phosgene, lead, and organic chemicals among the worst pollutants.[5] Parts of Dzerzhinsk’s water are contaminated with dioxins and phenol at levels that are reportedly seventeen million times the safe limit.
Dzerzhinsk’s environmental agency estimates that almost 300,000 tons of chemical waste were dumped in the city between 1930 and 1998.[citation needed] The Ecology Committee of the Russian State Duma also considers Dzerzhinsk among top ten cities with the disastrous ecological conditions.”
Fun, eh?
MTV Spring Break: Dzerzhinsk!
AJ- Whatever you do, do not drink the water! Or take a shower. Or go to the bathroom. Just get the heck out of there…
AJ, I hope by “visited” you do truly mean past tense, as in not there anymore?
Not there anymore. i visited for 2 hours or so.
230,000 people live there, and there’s a McDonald’s.
69 Forward… thirty years later…
AJ: (having worked in successive horrible locales) Now I’m in Cleveland. God, I wish I were back in Dzerzhinsk.
HARRY BALLZ: (confined to big black wheelchair due to a “vacuum cleaner incident” and seventeen Canadian schoolgirls) Beep beep.
TOG: (multi-millionaire and CEO of AIG that supports the residents of 69 Forward in their retirement home in Cleveland) Two beeps mean yes… I think. Say, being confined in a big black wheelchair-like thing, how does he make those lights beep? I mean, what does he use?
THX: (retired musician, plant enthusiast, model builder of real-life starships and former CIA spy with expertise in brass) Well, there’s one organ on Harry that still works and he, well, shall we say he erects his responses.
KIRK: (with his husband, Spock) Drooooooooooool. Denny Crane!
SULU: (President of the united States and Canada) Hmmmmph. I still can’t get legally married where I live and Captain Quirk and Mr. Spork have lived in wedded bliss for years. I need to make a law!
SPOCK: Here, Bill, take some more viagra.
KIRK: But, (drools) it makes my tongue big.
SPOCK: That is because you do not swallow. Sigh….
‘BEACH: (Award winning novelist and system analyst working on a Lite Brite) Look! I got another check for 200 quatloos for my bestselling novel “Opus.”
THX: (drools in sax a bit) That novel was published thirty years ago! What- are you Salinger or something?
TOG: Why so serious? Look, you guys just… behave. Old people!
AJ: Where are the women?
TOG: Women? Oh, you old folks are so funny.
DENISE: (somehow one of TOG’s ex-wives and husbands) Well, I could do the Uhuru fandance for all of your entertainment. I licked the feathers myself.
HARRY BALLZ: Beep Beep Beep!!!!!!!
AJ: I think three beeps means “clean-up on aisle 69.”
HARRY BALLZ: (rising and rising from wheelchair) Look- I can walk now and do other things!
There once was an old man named Harry
Who couldn’t get up or things carry
But one day Denise
Showed off her valice
And made Mr. Ballz so young very