LIVE Chat
You can also ‘chat’ with the comments below. Usual rules of decorum (family friendly, no flaming, trolling, being annoying, etc).
This is not for site feedback (go here) or tips (email: tips [at] trekmovie [dot] com)
You can also ‘chat’ with the comments below. Usual rules of decorum (family friendly, no flaming, trolling, being annoying, etc).
This is not for site feedback (go here) or tips (email: tips [at] trekmovie [dot] com)
Comments»
Hello All!
Hope everyone is in good shape.
Harry
No complaints here.
So, Anthony finally got around to hitting the reset button. Busy guy.
Ooohhhh….nice clean fresh chat room to trash up. Lurv that Febreze scent!
Hey, SB:
Congrats on your first “first!”
*Yawn
A reboot?
[WAKES UP]
Bring it on!
We need some perversion-packed vignettes for the new thread. AJ? BND? Beach?
#2
‘Beach, if you are responding to #1, believe me, Swollen and I are NOT the same person!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
#6
Spock: “it’s time for me to go Pon Farr on your ass!”
Kirk: “is it my birthday again already?”
Kirk and Spock wake up one morning snuggled together in bed. Kirk is behind Spock, both in the “spooning” position.
Spock: “where is your left hand, Jim?”
Kirk: “I’ve got it tucked between two warm pillows”
Spock: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!!”
The two men leap from the bed, coughing and pacing, while muttering in deep macho tones, “hey, how about those Miami Dolphins?”
FIN (with thanks to the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles)
Ooooh. Shiney and new.
BOOBIES!
There. That’s better.
6: Your wish, etc.
STAR TREK
FADE IN
INT – DARK QUARTERS
Various MOANS and GROANS can be heard in the room.
FEMALE VOICE: Oh, Spockarooney, that’s delicious! Do that some more!
MALE VOICE: Yeah, baby, that’s the good stuff. Oh, mama!*
Suddenly the doors SWOOSH open. A FIGURE is silhouetted there. A certain POINTY-EARED figure.
SPOCK: I see the festivites proceeded without my presence.
In the sudden light, the Female and Male sit up.
UHURA – Spock! If it’s not you, then who…?
SCOTTY: I like this lass. She’s exciting!
FIN (mercifully)
*NOT a reference to one’s maternal parent!
7:
Sorry, H-man. Sleep-deprived. I completely misread the handle. Apologies to SB as well…
Spock: “where is your left hand, Jim?”
Kirk: “I’ve got it tucked between two warm pillows”
Spock: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!!”
Kirk-Nope.Not pillows. Them’s the two halfs of your a$$, baby! Now squeal like a sehlat! Show Daddy ya loves him!
Spock – Sarek knows of my affection for him. And for the record, Sehlats do not squeal. They do however, purr.
Kirk – (hoots and hollers) Then here, kitty kitty!
Jonathan Frakes: Aw, c’mon. Just for me? I’m a famous director.
Celine Dion: And I’m a famous Vegas singer and these puppies are not coming out to play.
Jonathan Frakes: I’ll give you starring role in “Gargoyles — The Movie.”
Celine Dion: Hmmm. Well, OK. (Flashes the room.)
Harry Ballz: Aaaaaah! My eyes! Must tear out my eyes!
BND: -awk- I seen drunkenated bosuns walk better planks. aaaaaarrrrrr.
Patrick Stewart: If Billy Shatner and I stand on either side of Celine and I yank Billy’s rug off his head, we’ll look like a p—-
Jonathan Frakes: Pretty good trio. That’s right, Patrick. Now, let’s get you some more birthday cake. And maybe a pony ride.
Patrick Stewart: Pony ride! Pony ride!
#12 Continued (because no one stopped me in time)
Gene Roddenberry’s Ghost: I should never have hired anyone over 35.
Danielle Radcliffe: I’m 34, but don’t tell anyone.
Patrick Stewart: Let’s play quidditch! And have a pony ride!
Captain Picard: “Now where did I put my saddle?”
13: Don’t stop now. Damn the torpedoes, man!
Celine Dion: I love to give pony rides. How about you, Harry?
Harry Ballz: (half singing) My heart on will go…
Jonathan Frakes: Thunderbirds needs to be a sequel. There’s just so much more story to tell.
Gene Roddenberry’s Ghost: I shoulda stuck to cop shows and avoided this whole mess.
Thanks AJ!!
I was up early this morning and took a sneak peek and WHAM!! No i didnt get kicked in the spheroid shaped region, but the feelings was still there.
STAR TREK
Sickbay
Spock: “Greetings, Ms. Chapel. I am here for my penis examination.”
Chapel: “Y-yes, Mr. Spock. Please disrobe and lie down on the table.”
Spock does as he is told.
Chapel: “Now, lie back and relax, Mr. Spock. You know the procedure.”
Chapel puts oil on her hands and begins massaging Spock’s groin.
Chapel: “Any pain?”
Spock: “No, Ms. Chapel.”
She softly and thoroughly massages his testicles.
Chapel: “Now?”
Spock: “Fine, Ms. Chapel.”
Chapel moves her hands towards his shaft, already slightly engorged, and closes her hand softly around it, moving it up and down. It has the desired effect in seconds. her other hand is between her own legs.
Spock: “How are my readings, Nurse?”
Chapel: “Oh, Mr. Spock…They’re just fine! Just,,,Just a few more seconds…”
Spock: “Very well.” Chapel’s hand movements become erratic. Spock’s eyes close as she makes a fist around him. Stifling a scream, she puts her face down toward the subject of her exam, mouth open, and ready to…”
Doors swish
McCoy: “Nurse! I need 300 cc’s of…what in blazes is going on?!”
Chapel looks up and gets a white gooey shot in her eye.
McCoy: “What the devil? Spock! What are you doing here?”
Spock (sits up and gets off the table): “I just had my weekly penis exam, doctor. Did, I pass, Ms. Chapel?”
Chapel: “Yes…you passed, Mr. Spock..” (spooge drips down her face)
Spock (Getting dressed): “Well, I will be getting back to my duties. Thank you, Nurse. Doctor.” (Leaves).
McCoy: “Christine, I don’t know whether to fire you or congratulate you….do you have the results of the ‘test?’ ‘
Chapel: “Yes, Doctor. Length: 25 centimeters, Spray 0.9 meters, except…”
McCoy: “Except your head was in the way. Go get yourself cleaned up, Nurse, and don’t do it again!”
FIN
This new thread is hereby officially in the gutter.
Good job, boys. When Liz and I get back from Vegas, you will have loads of new material to draw on after we tell you of our escapades.
Ahhhh… off ta’ tha’ races I see…
Good thing that last thread wuz’ wiped clean… I gotta little crazy towards tha’ end…
…
…
OK, and at tha’ beginning and tha’ mid bits… Hope no one saw that last post wherein I had a Dr. Zhivago-esqe, torrid, steamy, hot as a phazor affair wit’ what turned out ta’ be a flat panel teevee…
Thought it wuz’ Kate Moss…
Carry on, then.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
BND:
You appear to be branching out into the other threads. Don’t you think that’s a bit risky?
I be a man o’ risk.
Ate all tha’ plastic pieces ta’ it once.
Besides… who knows when some poster will call me oot when I suggest that Worf’s wife be a bigtime player cuz’ she wuz’ also doin’ Q… and also bein’ a Vulcan tart coozin’ a geezer… Oh, Suzie Plakson… plak some on fur’ me…
Besides, I’m aboot ta’ flood tha’ site wit’ me spam postings aboot BND BRAND Herpes… Catch it while ye’ can! Now available in lo-cal…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Denise + Liz,
Have a good time in Vegas! Don’t get arrested too many times! I’ll join you in a few years.
Remember, girls, what happens in Vegas gets VIDEOTAPED in Vegas!
AJ#18- Where do I go to sign up as a starfleet nurse-to-be (by the way: Spooge – good creative noun usage).
Harry#24- We will use you as our editor.
Denise:
I think you already took the course and graduated with flying colors. Just choose a ship, show up at Medical and do the ’special’ salute (hand half- way to a fist, moving north-south-north). Don’t do a full fist, or they’ll send you to the wrong department.
By the way “spooge” is accepted by the American Dental Association:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spooge
Spooge from a Spock spurt?
Special!
(how’s that for nice alliteration?)
AJ#27- “…graduated with flying colors…” (blushes) Thank you! I always endeavor to do my very best…
29:
C’mon, Denise. You? Blushing because you’re a nurse? I think it takes a bit more to make YOU blush.
Boobies.
Carry on.
Firm boobies are like rubies……a rare and beautiful sight!
32:
Seek them out, Harry. And you shall find them.
Most interesting!!!
AJ
If only the powers that be on the last film contacted you before they had the Spock/Uhura thing going on..it would have made for some “unavailing and also undignified” moments.
Now instead of Spock being there, why not me? Swollen Ballz instead. Would Chapel have kicked me though?
Beach
Lol! Harry and I are not the same person. We have been thru this moment in time before, my friend.
Posters have nicknamed us The Fabulous Ballz Brothers. Why have one Ballz when u can have two?
Ballz are like boobies, they tend to travel in pairs!
Yes, Harry, but only one set is suitable for motorboating.
Gotta love firm boobies
With nipples like rubies
You grab her firm thigh
Which makes you feel high
Like smoking good doobies!
And of course, you know why the Lone Ranger theme can’t be played on family TV….
titty bum
titty bum
titty bum bum bum…
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To da dump, to da dump, to da dump dump dump!!
41:
Thank you, Harry. that was truly terrible…;-)
32:
Fondle them, Harry. Fondle them, and they shall come.
Well, it didn’t take long to pollute the new chat. Now where did I put that Lysol?
BND on one grand day fell outta his rockin’ chair
No one though around him, seemed at all aware
So BND fell through this here hole in space and time
No one seemed ta’ notice, tossed in thar’ discarded rind
Nero was all upset as BND dropped on him
“I’m here fur’ a reason” said BND, “It be not justa’ whim!”
So Nero in his years of sexual deprivement unspent
Took BND back ta’ tha’ red matter room and got him really bent
But BND had his purpose, ta’ save all o’ tha’ lovely green blooded Vulcan planet
So he stabbed olde’ Cap’n Nero wit’ zipper sharpened from a top o’ a yogurt by that Dannon
JJ yelled out “Cut!”
BND just went ta’ strut…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
#43
Fondle them, and THEY will come?
Well, hopefully both and, when I say both, I don’t mean the boobies!
Just read in the paper that Russell Peters, a stand-up comic from Brampton (just outside Toronto) Ontario made $10 million last year!
Hey, he’s funny, but he’s not THAT funny! Wow!
45: I think JJ should give all of us cameos in the next movie. With some of our more “creative” lines…wouldn’t that be grand?
Ahh, the mythical reset. Have fun in Vegas Denise!
Herc#49- Three more weeks to go and I am impatient for the time to pass. When Liz and I get back from the con, we will regale all of our 69 Forward buddies with tales of debauchery and mayhem the likes of which no con has ever seen…
I want to hear every lurid detail when you get back! Take photos!
50:
Sin CIty
The Vegas Convention
These are the Debaucheries of
Lixy and Denise
Their weekend’s mission
To imbibe strange new drinks
To seek out night life
And geek celebrations
To take drunken revelry to heights
No Con has ever seen…
…Before
Spockanella wrote: I think JJ should give all of us cameos in the next movie.
Dah-ling… the flick would be 45 hours long and be XXX-rated.
With this bunch?
Please.
It would have to be heavily edited to be only 45 hours long and XXX-rated!
In that case, I’ll wait for the director’s cut on Blue-Ray.
Nice mole, Denise.
We could all be jettisoned into space together…
Or we could be the ones who don’t survive the ‘waking-up” process on the Botany Bay (But only if BND gets to play Khan).
BND / Khan: I says I wants me a Frozen Margarita. Ta drink!
Sorry about that, Margarita. Bit nippy in there, is it? awwk!
Khan / BND; i will av-aaaarrr-avenge thee.
BND / Khan: Or drink thee. Now, whereaboots did I leave me straw??
Sounds like me awright… Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
BND/KHAN: Why can’t ye’ fire?!
JOANNA-QUIN (Khan’s Lt.): Because, sir, you used all our power up on your mojito blender and Jolene Blalock doll. The new and improved one which sucks more power than it sucks…
BND/KHAN: Well, can ye’ at least make me a William Shater-erner carbboard cut-oot ta’ punch in tha’ moosh?
JOANNA-QUIN: I think we all need to go to Risa. Sir, could you, uh… maybe get a new chestplate without the erect nipples? It’s rather disquieting.
BND/KHAN: These arrrrrr me real nipples, matie. It is very cold in space. Oh… by Crom! Izzat Neil Arrrrrrrrrrrmstrong settin’ foot on tha’ moon in this date in history?
JOANNA-QUIN: No, sir. That’s the adjacent sound stage. And we’re in a fricken warp-drive spaceship- how can you be impressed by a tin can making a lunar landing?
BND/KHAN: Ahhhhhh… tha’ danger and tha’ uncertainty of sailin’ aboot…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I’m not gonna arrrrr-gue wit’ ya about this one!
I wonder what would’ve happened had we all had cameos….
My bet is that the behind the scenes shots would’ve been MUCH more interesting than they probably already were. It also would’ve taken at least 200 times to shoot our scenes, due to extensive accidental nudity.
Well, the Emmy nominations have been announced and, once again, William Shatner has been nominated in the Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series category for his work on Boston Legal.
Not to stir up a hornet’s nest, but I watched Boston Legal every week and I don’t think Shatner’s work deserves a nomination. Any competent older actor could have played the part.
I guess once you’re pushing 80 there must be a sympathy factor that kicks in……favouritism and sentimentality are NOT logical!
Wow, I haven’t been here in a long time. I need to stop by more often.
Anyways, hello all, again! School starts in about a month, so that’s unfortunate (for me… heh).
#62 :: Mm, I kinda agree with you there. However, I do think it was his best role since… well, Star Trek, I must admit. (But I can’t say much about TJ Hooker since I haven’t seen much of that.) But Emmy-worthy? Not sure about that. But, it was an interesting show; good writing and such. =)
Personally, I’ve always been blown away by Rene Auberjonois’ acting skills. He’s obviously a stage actor (can we say “won a Tony” AND “nominated three times for said award”? HECK YEAH!), but I just love watching him act. I dunno why, he’s just fantastic. xD You don’t see his style of acting on TV that much. But that’s just my impression. I’ve grown up performing on stage, so I’m a little biased.. hehe.
Actually… I get to name-drop… with a name worth a-droppin.
We got to interview Buzz Aldrin on my morning show. (You notice, I say “my” morning show when I mention Buzz Aldrin and not when I mention “Miss Sophia,” a local transvestite radio personality who appears weekly and makes the women on staff giggle and the men folk retch.) Anyhoo… Aldrin was sharp as hell. He was also wolfin’ down big hunks of cold cuts between satellite live shots. Astronaut training, no doubt. I barely got to say howdy, but it was totally cool.
Christine, are you a budding actress?
CmdrR, if somebody shot that astronaut, would that be classified as a “buzzkill”?
I don’t know Harry, but last night your ET cousin, Space Ballz, gave my neighbor’s cow an anal probe.
Q: In Amish country when you see a man with his arm stuck way up a horse’s anus, what do you call him?
A: A mechanic!
66:
And the cow says:
“Moo. Moo. MOOOOON RIIIIVERRR!”
Now you know why the cow jumped over the moon.
#67
I’m glad the Amish have better things to do these days, like build those lovely fake fireplaces.
#70
So women can lay in front of them and have those lovely fake orgasms?
Ahhhhhhh… Harrrrr! How lovely it be ta’ have a fake orgasm by a fake fire wit’ a lass more corset’ed and dressed than me when I lived in tha’ frozen tundra…
CmdrR… I envy ye’…. BUZZ! Wow… 40 years ago man landed on tha’ moon thanke’ ta’ a president like Kennedy…
Herbert Hoover wuz’ a succesful business man and helped so many poor children around tha’ world… but he couldn’t get us oot of a depression… Like tha’ current Obama… Why? Ye’ canna listen ta’ tha’ wankers around ye’! Like Kennedy, ye’ gotta say “In ten years we will have a man on tha’ moon.” And fooukin’ do it.
Nowadays, we bother too much wit’ what people and lobbyists think… Tha’ needs o’ tha’ many…
I’m gunna stop wearin’ pants now…. And drill me a new hole in me Jolene doll… anyone up fur’ ankle po’on?
(BND drops his pants)
Moon YOU!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
“drill me a new hole in me Jolene doll”
Gives new meaning to the word “woodpecker”!
By tha’ by, Garek, also known as tha’ actor Andrew Robinson, played Kennedy in a truly terrrrrible episode of tha’ eighties’ Twilight Zone…
God, we have weak men ta’ lead us these days so why ye’ bloody think I get pissed as a newt?
I need ta’ make me a Denise marionette… no worries, I’ll wine and dine it and leave it be wit’ wooden Spockie… I gots me a ni-cad powered Joelene dolll anyways… errrrrrr… uhhhhhh…. it seems it be Alice tha’ White Nurse Chapel whooker who is me doll… pay her in pre-raphealite art I does…
Hey! Why be Arrrrrrr2-D2 be gettin’ action wit’ me Dyson-sphere vacuum?
Bloop bloop beep BEEP
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I’ve had a woodpecker since me run-in wit’ Moby Dick…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Well, at least you had a whale of a good time!
Had a meeting today and as a result I got home early. In time to watch Judge Judy.
Why is she such a witch?
Discuss.
#66 :: “…Christine, are you a budding actress? …”
Um, not really. Just minor parts in school musicals and being in show choirs, that sort of thing. I don’t want to go into acting; it’s not doing anyone any good. I’M NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE THAT WAY. D:
…That’s why I want to go into medicine.
(Though I did dream when I was little of winning a Tony. Not an Oscar, a TONY. ;3)
Christine
Be careful when Harry asks if you are budding actress. I was in one of his movies once and became a star in Singapore.
(jk old salt. How could I resist such a good straight line?)
Christine, medicine is a good choice. Best of luck!
THX, ah, yes, I remember that movie shoot. You went by the name Rock Hard back then, didn’t you?
Sigh. the hits just keep coming. My bestfriend has been in ICU for a week now. They have determined she needs a liver and kidney transplant.
Liz, I am so sorry to hear that! Is this sudden news or a medical condition that has finally regressed to this?
She’s been sick for months and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. She had to work from home, then couldn’t even do that. It’s some problem with her intestines not working. She hasn’t been able to eat solid foods and no water is being absorbed so she is swollen and having to have the fluid drained by tube from her abdomen. Bad thing is that she had polio as a child and that is complicating matters greatly since most of her doctors have never treated anyone with it. They aren’t even sure she is strong enough to withstand the transplant surgery. I have a strong desire to go lock myself in my closet and just sit and gibber. This year is horrible.
From what I understand there are a host of reasons why someone’s intestines may not be working. Have the doctors explored every single option and done every test before recommending transplants? I’m sure they’ve covered all of this, but I felt compelled to mention it.
82/84:Liz
“I’m sorry” seems such an empty platitude. It cannot begin to cover the depths of what you are feeling right now. You have my deepst sympathies.
Year of Hell, indeed Liz.
I really hope that she gets better and is able to get the transplants she needs. And if she does, that there aren’t any complications with them.
Keep us posted. You are in our thoughts.
“…deepst…”
Urgh! my d e e p e s t sympathies.
The Typonians have no shame.
‘Always darkest before the dawn’
‘Always darkest before the dawn’
Here’s hoping it’s true, Liz.
Best prayers, Liz. Don’t lose faith, and remember you have sicko friends in 69 Forward.
Total change of subject. And do you think that I’d change it to something tasteful? No no no.
Trojan condoms commissioned a survey which finds Atlanta the most sexually satisfied city in America. We’re also number 2, after Houston, for the sheer quantity of hot monkey sex.
Hold on. Houston? Yeah, I guess there’s not much else to do there. Anyhoo… just thought I’d contribute to the filth factor for the day.
I may have to move to Atlanta!
GROWRR!!
Hope you’re not a-lookin’ my way when ya say that, Harr.
Although, when I splash on the Genki Khan I do smell rather earthy… kinda like a barrel-chested meglomaniac who’s been living in a cargo container for 15 years.
Atlanta’s Official Anthem is now Marvin Gaye’s
“…Let’s Get It On…”
and/or
“…Duelin’ Banjos…”
Let’s be honest. Atlanta is, of course, in Georgia. Wonder how many of those polled were speaking of sexual satisfaction outside their own immediate family?
“Daddy, yer crushin mah cigarrettes” indeed!
Not sure whether it’s outside their immediate species, either. Pig farmin’ is lonely business.
Squeeeeeeeeeaaaallll!!!!!
#94
Not just in Georgia!
In Scotland some farmers have sex with their sheep on the edge of a steep cliff. When asked why the farmers reply, “this way the sheep have to back up!”
Q: why do men wear kilts in Scotland?
A: this way the sheep don’t hear the zipper!
…Chat keeps on slippin
Slippin
Slippin
Into the Gut-ter…!
Well, in NYC, we have no farm animals. Just lots of little dogs. No dueling banjos either. Maybe that’s why we’re not top of the list.
Liz- I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I will send positive thoughts her way, sweetie.
#99
Don’t forget to wrap duct tape around the little dogs!
Wake me up when they have completely reintegrated the deleted scenes back in the film as Peter Jackson did with Lord of the Rings. That was true love.
Prove your love JJ.
Until then, frak it. }:-D>
Wit’ D-VD technology, canna ye’ just jump ta’ tha’ deleted scenes in tha’ appropriate places whilst watchin’ tha’ film?
I like ta’ play all tha’ scenes in reverse… it be like a Columbo episode in which ye’ know who done it and ye’ follow along aboot others figurin’ it oot…
Oh, wait… it be a prequel so we already knew things…
Deleted Scene 4: Nero spends four years on the can devising his escape from the Klingon prison planet. A-Yell spends another 21 selling “favors” for toilet tissue.
Deleted Scene 7: Kirk spoons with Admiral Pike to hasten his captainhood.
Deleted Scene 12: Zachie Quinto doesn’t even break character as a crazed female fan assaults his mouth and nether region. Scene was cut as female fan is scheduled to stand trial.
Deleted Scene 14: Spock’s wig jumps up and does a song and dance routine. His pants buckle and ripple as his merkin tries to do the same. Kirk smiles.
Deleted Scene 16: In a flashback sequence, Red Matter is discovered to be a mere plot device and that Spock actually uses a tachyon pulse and mathematical time mechanics he learned in the ’60s while doing a lot of LDS to create a rift in time by accident rather than chucking the blowing-up star into a black hole and saving, as he puts it, “those Rommie green blooded sons of…” while Joanna Linville (who’s still alive) kisses Nero goodbye as he reveals to his mum that he’s really out to get Spock for never paying child support.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrr… how many o’ us drop songs ta’ express our feelin’s? Be a poor wankin’ writer who steals… But I do it anyways as I need new underwear… e’en from strangers… So please wipe afore I tackle ye’ and take yer’ shorts…
Smokey and tha’ Bandit
And Saddam Hussein
Werrrrrrrrrr staying up late
And actin’ insane
Along with Britney Spearzzzzz
And Hafez Assad
Start taking dis down
When I give ye’ the nod
The boys arrrrrrrr all ready
They’ve laid out tha’ plans
They’re setting tha’ stage
For tha’ man-made man
We’ve worked out the kinks
In your DNA
So sayonara, kid
Have a nice day
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….
She wuz’ pretty lil’ wee Trekkite girlie
Who checked me EKG
Me heart threw up so much floo
That ye’ think it wuz cuz’ o’ ye’…
And perrrrrrrrhaps it wuz, girl….
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….
Liz, sorry to hear about your friend. Little prayer arrows are being unleashed as we speak.
Saturday!
And… I’m on vacation!!!!!!!!!!
Star Trek:Lesbian version
(opening monologue)
Babes, the final frontier…….these are the voyages of the starship Lickettysplit. Her five year mission…to explore strange new women. To seek out new alien trim and new p____. To boldly go……(and, boy, ain’t this the truth!)…..where no man has gone before!
Thank you all. It means a lot and does help. I know I haven’t been posting as much as I used to but I do come and read and it cheers me up.
Great show, Harry. Lesbian Star Trek.
Favorite Episodes:
“The Trouble with Testicles”
“The Way to Barbara Eden”
“Action of the Piece” (what?)
“Mudd’s Women” (what??)
and
“This Side of the Bed is Paradise”
Actually, that should be “Stella Mudd’s Women”
and I almost forgot:
“What are Little Girls Made To Do”
“The Clam Minders”
“She-devil in the Dark”
“Indigo Girls Sing Galileo 7 Times” — OK, I’m stretching
“The Alternative Max Factor”
and
“Charley XXX”
Hey look, a new Star Trek movie on the horizon:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/content/shared-gen/ap/Movies/EU_Britain_People_Russell_Crowe.html?cxntlid=thbz_hm
Sad to hear about Walter Cronkite, especially this weekend. Of course, 92 ain’t bad. And there’s a lot to be grateful for from that man.
Dang, I’m talking to myself in here. No one’s posted all morning.
OK, then. Back to lesbian Trek….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnvzAyZIqRc
(Someone posted this a few weeks back. I’d never seen it before and it’s frikkin’ funny as hell. Thanks to whoever the eagle eye was who stuck it in originally.)
This is CmdrR of the USS Foreplay. Is anyone on board? If there is, and you can hear me, please respond by chat room to 69 Forward. Is there anyone on board?
114: Spockanella, reporting for ditty.
At last!
Welcome aboard, Mr. Spockanella. Commence to make inappropriate comments.
(btw, I’m out the door and headed to vacation in RI)
That Carol Burnett skit is priceless!!
For a ship with the name Foreplay, why does it only take 5 seconds for it to get up to warp speed?
script for tha’ new Master and CommandarrrrrrrrR film sneak peek…
CAP’N BND: Avast ye’, rogues! We be sailin’ these haunted waters in search o’ those that’d do harrrrrm ta’ tha’ queen’s bloomers and… Mr. Crenshaw… what ye’ be doin’ thar’?
MR. CRENSHAW: Just a wee peck on yer’ cheek, Cap’n. It is, after all, tha’ HMS Foreplay we be sailing, sir!
CAP’N BND: Save it fur’ Tahiti! I gots ta’ protect these seas from French bastordos. Hey, what’s tha’ Bosen’s Mate up ta’ o’er thar’?
MR. PLOW: Oh, the mate’s just rubbing my belly, sir… gently touching my shoulders… soft butterfly kisses on my brow…
CAP’N BND: Dear God! Have we enlisted tha’ Village People in tha’ Queen’s Navy? Stop that at once! Thar’ be no more foreplay like that on tha’ Foreplay! Awwwwwk!!! And just who arrrrrr ye’, there?!!!
HORATIO: Why, I’m Horatio the Horn Blowe…
CAP’N BND: Stop right thar’! Look, here, ye’ take tha’ helm… I’m chucking meself o’er tha’ plank and takin’ me chances wit’ tha’ mermaids who have thar’ fishy parrrrrts on top and womanly parts down in tha’ locker…
LESBOS WARRIOR STEVE: Take me with you, Captain! The sea is intercoursed with perils- some need only two minutes to kill you! Take me to protect you, sir! I know how to deal with those sensual Sirens who lure men to their doom!
CAP’N BND: That’s cuz’ ye’ be a lesbian warrior, Steve-O. Aw, well… I could use a man not distracted by photon torpedos and a lower spacial rift.
MR. CRENSHAW: I just like one torpedo, sir!
CAP’N BND: Blimey… (rubs head and eyes in disgust) Well, downs I goes ta’ Davey Jone’s Locker and…
DAVEY JONES: Oh, my… look at the precious porcupine that has fallen into my watery dungeon bursting with seamen! (giggle) Thanks for not wearing pants… it saves soooooooo much time. Zippers always get stuck in my gills, darling.
CAP’N BND: Uhhhh… I see… OK then… uhhhhh… if I can outdrink ye’ in a drinking contest, can I go free?
DAVEY JONES: Can I choose the, uh, “drink”? Wrung from these sailors who died, dearie! I mean, with all these seamen around it’s like a dairy farm around here and…
CAP’N BND: Blimey no! I … realky didda not wanna know that… Kill ‘im, Steve!
LESBOS WARRIOR STEVE: Take that and that and that, you naughty wicked so bad bad bad sea devil man!
SIREN: Coooooome to meeeeeeeee… lonely sailor…. feeeeeel so freeeeeee… driven mad…. maaaaaaaake me out a check for all of your life savings….
CAP’N BND: Best offer I hads all day!
SIREN: Just make it out to cash and… hey! Don’t touch those!
CAP’N BND: But me phazor below be set on fun!
Hmmmm… ‘tink Russel Crowe will pass on this one…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
CmdrR.. yer’ link ta’ tha’ new Starry Trek movie…
Great!
Hope it do get made. Despite me early draft o’ a script. Geez, that bloke had aboot 20 books… how can ye’ fill that many novels when most days at sea arrrrrr shower, shave, shite, scrub, supper, sing, shots, schnapps, secrete and sleep…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Space is disease and darkness wrapped in silence…
I’d rather be in Nassau than NASA…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Now who’s tha’ lone madman? Like John cryin’ alone in tha’ desert…
Arrrrrrrrrrr… and sometimes ssssssssssssssssssss…
Lone madman?
Nah, I’ll happily play the part of the second killer wit shooting from the hip like a brassy troll!
You’re all drunk! It’s disgusting!
aw……….phooey!!
“For a ship with the name Foreplay, why does it only take 5 seconds for it to get up to warp speed?”
——D’oh!——–
AdmrR, EnsR and I have beamed down to the planet ‘Vacation.’ It’s an M-type planet in the RI sector… that apparently lowers the blood pressure and alleviates accruing stomach acid. I think the Foreplay crew could use extended shore leave here. Make it so!
Poor BND – did everyone leave you all alone yesterday? And I see you drank all the Romulan ale too. Now I will have to trade my body to the Orions to get some more for you guys…
O, to be an Orion with a surplus of Rommie Ale….
I’ll gladly pay the Orions on Tuesday for some body today!
STAR TREK
“Penis Envy”
by
Theodore Sturgeon and Samuel Peeples
Screenplay by DC Fontana and David Gerrold
Acknowledgment to the works of Harlan Ellison
Star Trek Created by Gene Roddenberry
ACT ONE
Kirk’s quarters 0130 hours
Kirk; “Spock, I’m gonna drop trou right now and show you some massive Iowan wiener.’
THWAP
Spock: “Impressive, Jim. Allow me to unfurl my sweaty member.”
Sweeee-geeee–ker-splatt!”
kirk: “Seeing our massive dicks just laid out like this gives me an idea…
Bridge: “Sir! This is Sulu..We are experiencing massive anomalous readings in the current space-time continuum…like eddys and currents..We’re managing to steer clear, but we could sure use Spock’s help on the Bridge!”
Kirk; ‘Understood, Mr. Sulu. Kirk out. Now Spock, let’s duke it out. I’m sure you must have circle jerks on Vulcan…”
Spock: “Circle jerks, Jim?”
Kirk: “Yes. Where the local kids get together and…”
Spock: “No, Jim. We do not. We masturbate alone, and in shame, and are required to send the excretions to our betrothed for safekeeping on a weekly basis.”
Kirk: “What if you, ummm..hmmm…’masturbate’ with someone else?
Spock: “Why, Jim? (Smiles). Did you have someone in mind?
Time anomalies rock the ship.
Kirk: “Sulu, get us outta here! Scotty?”
Scotty: “Yes, Captain! Sorry! I was just re-aligning the bullshit generator!”
Kirk: “Very good, Scotty. Call me back in an hour!’
Spock; “An hour, sir?”
Kirk: “isn’t that enough?”
Vulcan mating music eerily begins playing in the background.
Spock: “No Jim. An hour is not enough. The mounting ritual requires the duration of a Vulcan day…”
Time eddys rock the Enterprise.
Kirk: “Can I give you a blowjob?”
Spock: “That would be sufficient…”
STORY ENDS OUT OF…WELL…SOMETHING SILLY. BLAME IT ON BND. THAT’S THE TICKET!
Nice to see everyone’s adhering to the highest Spunkfleet standards in this room.
I’ll still take one night with Rand over a daisychain of command, but that’s just me.
Carry on…
CmdrR:
About Rand…Could you handle…the hair? I mean, it’s like a foot high off the top of her head.
Gimme yummy, grumpy T’Pol. I believe her marionette is lurking around here somewhere….
SCENE: Rand’s quarters
CmdrR and Rand are in the middle of a heavy makeout session.
CmdrR: Honeykins, can we take your hair down so I will have something to hang onto?
Rand takes off her wig, revealing a shiny, bald dome underneath.
CmdrR: (shrugging) Oh well. If it was good enough for Ilia, I suppose it is good enough for you.
AJ#130- Did Kirk have a ruler handy? Oh, and nice vignette, my Shakespeare of K/S…
Denise — I came of age, hormonally, in the devil-may-care 70’s, so a chick in a 12 inch pineapple quaff made of two hookery-lookin’ wigs is Dyn-O-mite! Besides, Grace in those days gave off that “I’m 35 faking 19 in a casting couch culture” desperation that was kinda my bread-n-butter socially for many years. Yes, I was an ‘f’d up chick’ magnet. Fortunately, China eased its export quotas, allowing AdmrR to come over and change my worldview. Still, I get the hankerin’ for pineapple every once in awhile.
CmdrR:
If you are from Georgia, then you know the B-52’s. And when they sing about “pineapple,” they’re not singing about hair, regardless of the two female singers’ Rand-like coiffes.
I love pineapple.
I just wish I could remember the darn song….
#133 “Rand takes off her wig, revealing a shiny, bald dome underneath”
Rand was a Deltan in disguise all along?? That would explain why Kirk had a “hard” time resisting her!!!
I KNEW IT!!!
40 years since man a’walked on tha’ moon…
60 years since Ralph Kramden sent his wife thar’…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Alice in the Moon with Diamonds!!
I took too much AMD in college, man!
STAR TREK ENTERPRISE
Archer: ” ‘Pow! Right in the kisser!’ That’s how Ralph Kramden used to send his wife to the moon.”
T’Pol: “Spousal abuse is hardly an admirable human behavior, but as a facilitator for humanity’s first attempt at a lunar landing, it is logical and acceptable.”
Archer: “What? You mean you approve of a fictional TV character beating his wife?”
T’Pol: “Only if the end result benefits a large group- a people..Humans, for example. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.”
Archer: “What if I told you that 2 people put in some good money hoping you’d show me your tits, and that 8 people put in real good money that you wouldn’t.
T’Pol: “My ‘tits?’
Archer: “Yes, those ample shelf-like mammaries that seem to announce your arrival seconds before you arrive. Like bad perfume, but lots more fun.”
T’Pol: “My breasts? If you would like to see them, Captain, compliance is not an issue. Vulcan women frequently walk topless in their homes and at work.’
Archer: “Computer? Set temperature to 3 degrees centigrade. T’Pol? Show me your tits.”
T’Pol disrobes
Archer: “I didn’t expect full frontal…I guess the one-piece doesn’t give you much of a choice. Ummm…yup. Lookin’ good.
T’Pol: “Captain, my nipples have hardened due to the local temperature. May I ask you to purse your lips around each nipple, and use your tongue to lick the ends? This will help the breasts adjust to the cold. Yess..that’s nice….”
ARCHER’S QUARTERS
Archer wakes up stiffly in bed with a wet stain by his crotch. “Damn! Not again!”
FIN (ran out of ideas)
One day I’ll learn to spell… but, not today.
STAR TREK VOYAGER
Seven of Nine bursts onto the Bridge. She is naked, and smells gamey, somehow.
Janeway: “Seven! Explain yourself! How dare you come onto the Bridge in such a state!”
Seven: “Explain this!” Seven perches herself atop the ops/con console spreadeagled, and proceeds to fondle herself.
Paris: “Ma’am, I think I’d better go.”
Seven: “You stay! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Ohh God! Ahh! Ahh! AHH! Oh my God!”
Seven falls to the floor.
Janeway: “Doctor, please come to the Bridge.”
Seven (panting on the floor): “Captain? Why…didn’t you tell me? Ohh God…”
Janeway: “Seven..it’s something girls…women…discover about themselves…by themselves.”
Seven: “No, Captain..No…I’m not ready…I can’t stop!”
The Doctor appears on the Bridge. “Orgasmic? Not the first time. She’s showing off now.”
Janeway: “Showing off? Doctor, this is unacceptable. Seven…when you masturbate, what do you think of?”
Seven: “8 0f 12 from Adjunct 3527B, and sometimes 7 of 45 of the Elliptical Core, and Neelix when I feel dirty…and, you Captain….”
Janeway: “Get Neelix to Sickbay once you’ve cleaned her up. I’lll..I’ll be down soon…”
Doctor: “Come, Seven. Welcome to your human body. It’s not all about peeing and pooping, you know…”
Seven: “I need it…NOW!”
The doctor jabs Seven’s neck with a hypo and drags her limp body to sickbay over his shoulder.
Janeway grins.
FIN
Kirk to Rand:
I’m gonna kiss your eyes
Then I’m gonna kiss your neck
Then I’m gonna kiss your tummy
Then I’m gonna kiss your pineapple.
23.5 minutes later. Kirk’s cabin.
Lt. Crenshaw: Captain, you understand this is a casual conversation.
Kirk: Yes.
Lt. Crenshaw: I want you to feel totally relaxed.
Kirk: Sure.
Lt. Crenshaw: Now, an individual to whom you have a supervisory position has filed a statement.
Kirk: Got it.
Lt. Crenshaw: So, what I’m going to do as Human Resources Officer is to recommend — and this is totally voluntary on your part –
Kirk: Sure.
Lt. Crenshaw: — that you complete this online tutorial on Captain-subordinate relations.
Kirk: Got it…
en fin
#142
When it comes to Seven of Nine, wouldn’t that be a BORG-ASM?
STAR TREK: SEXLESS COUPLES
Chakotay and B’elanna:
Chakotay: “You snored again last night, B’elanna, like a f*cking targ. Maybe you could blow your nose once in a while instead of blowing that green snot in and out of your nostril. It’s like f*cking Wimbledon.”
B’elanna: “I didn’t ask to be marooned here with you, fatso. Maybe one day I’ll find your dick under all that hubris. I’ve seen it. It’s like a thimble surrounded by wrinkled old men.”
Riker and Troi
Riker: “C’mon, Deanna…you know what I want…Put it in your mouth and stare at your Imzadi imploringly…”
Troi: “What? For 90 minutes? Again? You get off on the can in 2 minutes, and I can’t seem to even get a salute.after a half hour.
Riker: “You could show me your ass…”
Troi: “Show you my ass while I…Will…you are an idiot….”
Chekov and Scotty:
Chekov: “De Enterprise veel not return for two days, Mr. Scott. In dat time, I recommend you allow me to geev you blow-job.”
Scotty: “You move one bloody inch, you pervert, and I’ll turn yer head into a haggis takeaway for sure…”
Ahhh, love.
AJ
you’ve missed your calling. With talent like that you should write children’s books!
AJ’s Children’s Books:
“Where the Wild Thing’s Done”
“Goodnight. Moon Me.”
“Fun with Dick in Jane”
and of course…
“Horton Hears a Ho”
Jeez, guys.
I’m outta thiings for a little while and everybody gets delusions of…well, delusional!
AJ’s first screenplay: ROMANCING THE BONE
149:
P*rn movie, in the 1980s. It’s been done.
#150
I will bow to your expertise!
I also had expertise in 80’s p*rn, the viewing thereof. And then I discovered real women. Much more fun, plus they don’t get wavy lines in their tummies when you ask them to do the same fun things over and over.
151:
No expertise involved, HB. Just useless sh*t stuck in my brain. I don’t know how to get rid of it.
Though on the other hand, I suppose AJ is old enough to have written that one…
(I kid, AJ!)
There’s a real wacko stiiring up trouble over in the Happy Birthday Patrick Stewart thread! His name is “truth” and you should read the shit coming out of him!
Is there in truth no beauty?
Well…
Forty years ago…
In tha’ BND Universe…
>>>> Brave astro’naughts Gracie Tribbleton III (BND Sr.) and his co-pilot Tipsy All-In land on tha’ moon in thar’ lemmie craft “Tha’ Snoopy”, whilst Tom Collins mannin’ tha’ orbital pod “All This Way Just to Look”, proceed a landin’ on tha’ moon >>>>
BND: (coming out of lemmie, trying to speak) *
TIPSY: Hey, BND, eh… yer’ like supposed ta’ say “One small step for a man” and such, not fall on yer’ face… here, put yer’ bleedin’ helmet on!
BND: Gasp! Awwwwg! That better. Well, that be one big gasp fur’ a man… geez, tha’ vacuum o’ space knocked tha’ dust outta me eyebrows. Hey- this place is disgustipatin’!
TIPSY: Bugtussell, come in Bugtussell Command… it seems like a big gooey mess up here…
BND: Smelled real bad! Hey, thar’ are empty tubes all o’er… wit’ writin’ on ‘em… Bugtussell- can ye’ make this oot?
BUGTUSSELL COMMAND: Yes, Snoopy, seems it’s in Russian… it says… “lotion of motion”…. uh, can we confirm that?
TIPSY: Our worst fears! Tha’ Ruskies have been sendin’ thar’ used love goo up here fur’ decades!
BND: That’s not all, mate! Look- a giant spacey cube!
THE BJORG: We are the Bjorg, yay. We have come for your moon of friction licking gel, yay. Resistance be so futile, yay, so just give it up now.
BND: Well, iffi gunna die wit’ millions o’ people watchin’ this, I may as well do this… (drops pants and moons camera)
THE BJORG: That’s the spirit, yay.
>>>> (The Enterprize E emerges from time tunnel)
CAPTAIN JUST-LICK PIEHARD: No, you will not end our tomorrows by disturbing our future with it’s very first important space thingee! Fire on the Bjorg ship! It’s made out of cheap wood and complicated Swedish parts, for goodness sakes!
LT. SNARF: Ohhhh noooo… it’s a bad day to die! Snarf! Snarf!
BJORG QUEEN: (transported on moon) They may kill us all, yay, but I’m not going to darn well let my people just end here, yay. (touches BND) Remember.
(Enterprize destroys Bjorg Cube, zips back into proper time)
Years later…
CNN ANCHORWOMAN NINA LOVESALAY: So, Mr. Tribbleton, after forty years do you think we’ll ever go back to the moon?
BND: Well, I woulda’ hopes so. Me boy, tha’ current BND, is a loathesome Kentucky drunk shaggin’ anythin’ in a skirt… tried it on Scotty and got bonked, bonked on tha’ head… but… (Bjorg Katra initiates) Uhhhhhhh… Yes, we will go back to the moon, yay. First, let’s all dye our hair blonde, yay. How about asking the CIS… oh, they were the sissies long ago… uhhhhh… the Russians and such for some of their love goo, yay… All will be assie-mulated… starting with you, Ms. Lovesalay…
CNN ANCHORWOMAN NINA LOVESALAY: Well, breaking news here in CNN headquarters- really breaking! It seems my moon is being explored as we speak…
BND: Pants-wearing is futile, yay… let’s build a large cube, yay… and nuke froggie France so that wanker Just-Lick isn’t bourne ever…
SPOCK PRIME: Have I arrived in time to save the day and… oh… well… Que sera, que sera. Excuse me, I know you are busy there, Bjorg Drone BND, but have you seen this woman? (projects hologram of Denise) I have a notion that she’s behind all this.
BND: Yay, she’s here alright… check the Comic Con, yay… you can get behind her there, yay, go kinky… bring this blonde dye with you…
SPOCK PRIME: Hmmmmm… fascinating. You know on our labia major moon Delta Vega, we have something even better than that Perestroika petroleum. We call it our gel of Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations… kind of like a Vulcan kama-sutra lotion really.
BND: Awwwwwwk! Get this here katra outta me! I wanna bleach me hair! I wanna go dunk-a-dunk e’ery Yankee tourist… I wanna build inexpensive furniture that breaks as soon as ye’ lay a newslady on it…
SPOCK PRIME: Very well. Get in my jelly ship… errr… jellyfish ship… and I will drop you off in Newfoundland. Hope you like tree tar for your lubrication.
BND: Uh, izzat an over-inflated blow-up doll o’ Yoewoman Rand thar’ in tha’ corner?
SPOCK PRIME: No. Bill has just seen better days. All those toupee’s piled high will fool the unsuspecting.
BND: Can I go just back ta’ tha’ moon?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
155:
I did. And he is a fuh-reak-a-zooooiiiidddd!
I may have been drunk when I re-entered Patrick… errrr… re-entered his b’day thread…
I did it fur’ Harry and May-Decembers e’ery where…
Now, why doesn’t tha’ Queen call me back?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
The Bjorg are back, yay. Resistance IS futile, yay.
Speaking bjorg now, are we?
Heega-hurga-my-name-Harry….what be yours?
Do the Bjorg originate from the planet Ikea, which long ago vanished when its sun collapsed into a pile of blonde pine and plastic fittings?
Yes, sadly enough. Their last Queen was Bjorntu.
Bjorntu Bu Gi…
Bjorn…bjorn to be alive (bjorn to be alive)…yes, she was bjorn, bjorn, bjorn…bjorn to be alive (to a disco beat).
See what you started, BND?
Bjorn free, as free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows, bjorn free to follow her heart….
And if the Bjorg invade Kirk’s Iowa… They’ll be…
BJORN in the U S A…
She was Bjorn into perfection inside Unimatrix Four
A Bjorg Queen, like nothing ever seen before.
Her humanity behind her
You might say she was bjorn again
More bad-ass than any Bjorg before…
Actually tha’ Bjorg Queen have a good ass… all teflon coated-like…
Smooth sailin’…
Yer’ a teaser, you turn ‘em on
Leave ‘em assimilated and then yer’ gone
Looking out fur’ another, anyone will do
Yer’ in the mood for all o’ France
And when ye’ get the chance…
Ye’ are our Bjorg Queen,
Our Bjorg Queen, feel tha’ beat from nanoprobin’ yer’ spleen
Ye’ can dance, you can jive, having tha’ time o’ millions o’ drones’ lives
See that girl, watch us scream, she digs in- our Bjorg Queen
Our Bjorg Queen…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Hey guys, let me interrupt your bjorg revelry for a moment to regretfully announce that AJ’s computer is on “the fritz”, so to speak. He is probably going to suffer withdrawal symptoms form not being able to write his daily dose of Trek absurdity here for a while, poor guy.
Well, we’ll just have to pinch hit for him.
I’m sure I can pump out a few absurdities….
#152
True. But real women don’t have “pause” and ” mute” selections. And they cost a heck of a lot more than “Buy one, get two for free!”
#161
If the Bjorg are from the planet Ikea, I can only imagine how long it took them to put one of their cube ships together!!
[COMES UP FOR A DEEP BREATH OF AIR]
[GASPING]
Sorry ’bout that, it’s been a hell of a week. However, I have been able to read all of your Bjorg Queen stories. I’ll come up with something equally cunning and grotesque by the end of the night.
TOG … tick tock… tick tock… As AJ is in peril, Spock says ta’ Cap’n Kirk – “What now?” and Kirkie replies, “Me arse needs a rest. Let’s have a muffin.”
Harry- Was not e’en Canada able ta’ push forth tha’ IKEA planet attack force?
Oh, I am distracted by Alice Krige in tha’ film “Ghost Story”… so, as tha’ Bjorg Queen, she’s mechanical… so she’s mechanical!!!!
Uh, oh… BND needs a real fleash and blood woman not bourne under tha’ Indian Sun nor charges him his tailor-sown pants…
I’ll gladly give you pantaloons fur’ a cheezburger today…
That trick ne’er works…
Watch me pull a Kelvin outta’ me pants…
She sayz: “Izzat hot or cold?”
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Wow… slow day.
Anyway, as promised:
================================================
LOCATION: Comic Con 2009, San Diego
BJORG SVEDISH HODDIE: Hallo, Meester Quinto, my name is Bjorg, I am blonde and incredibly attractive. This is my twin sister who is even hotter than me, Ingrid.
INGRID HODDIE: Hallo, I am Ingrid. I fergot to wear pants today, so I came in nothing but a bikini.
QUINTO: [DUMBFOUNDED]
DENISE: Hey! Back off! He’s TOG’s!
INGRID: Oh, that is fine then. We will move on to the even hodder Meester Nimoy.
DENISE: Excuse me?
BJORG: We would like to meet the original Spock.
DENISE is left fuming. The story continues as follows:
============================================
COMIC CON TURNS GORY AS NERDS FLEE FOR THEIR LIVES
by
Commmander R., San Diego
This afternoon was supposed to be the annual geekfest known as Comic Con where people of all backgrounds come together to express their feelings towards the science fiction and fantasy realms. However, it turned violent when two double-dee women got themselves into double deep hot water with one Denise de Arman.
========================================
That was poorly written and plotless. And yet it would still be better than Transformers…..
Point aside, I can do MUCH better when I’m not dead-tired and literally laying in bed. More to come.
TOG#173- LMAO! And that is exactly the way it would happen, no doubt, which is why I need you at the conventions with me to bail me out of the jailhouse…
INT BRIDGE – DOWN TIME
Not much going on, so our intrepid heroes are amusing themselves…
Kirk – Hey, Spocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta this hat!
Spock – James, your attempts at prestidigitation have failed miserably in the past, what makes you think you have improved them significantly?
Kirk (unfazed) Nothin’ up my sleeve. (reaches arm into hat) Presto!
Nero’s Head – FIRE EVERYTHING!
Kirk – Whoa! (shoves Nero back in hat) That does it. I know what I have to do now.
Spock – Right, We must repair the damage to the spacetime continuum.
Kirk – Hell, no Sparky. See, what I gotta do is, I gotta get me a new hat!
ANGLE across the bridge.
McCoy – A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam walk into a bar…
Scotty – Careful, Lenny. Ye might offend some of our more sensitive listeners.
McCoy – Okay, mister PC, you tell it.
Scotty – Bloke walks into a bar.
McCoy – Yeah. Yeah?
Chekov – Vait! Vait! I haff haird thees von!
Scotty – Alright, Boy Genius. Ye tell it!
Chekov – Man valks eento a bar. He says, “OW!”
FIN
Hey, how did I get to San Diego?
And was I sure to wear some flowers in my hair? Or is that San Fran? I’m so confuzzled.
Son of a nutcracker!! Wish I was in San Diego! I’m going there in November on business, but that doesn’t help me NOW!!
Me brother Lar be a sailor in San Diego… more accurately a retired Naval Commander now a Fire Cheif fur’ tha’ city… Denise, iffi ye’ set tha’ Bjorg Hoddie aflame at Comic Con, ye’ may meet me brother Lar….
BJORG QUEEN: Nero’s head ain’t all that great, no, but that’s why we got these here pantie probes in our rubber suits, yay.
LEONARDO NIMOY: (as Comic Con burns) In my day, we had the woman in these lovely skimpy Theiss- costumes… barely any clothe at all. But these youth today with their rubber suits and plastic panties and pallored skin and cars retro-engineered from jets, well, I’m just glad I fit in. (drops pants to expose the Spock Glock encased in black polyerethene)
GUY DRESSED AS KILINGON: Say hello to our new tail- gunner!
TOG: (with Bat’leth) Clear a path towards Mr. Nimoy.
DRUNK GIRL DRESSED AS GORN: Buckeyes suck!!!!
TOG: Well, you sure won’t anymore. (swings Bat’leth and cuts off her hair under Gorn mask) Now who you gunna Kojak, honey?
LEONARDO NIMOY: Pardon me, miss, may I buy you a Vulcan Sex Pinch? The make it here with cranberry juice.
DELTA BURKE: Sure, why not. Say, aren’t you the guy who takes pictures of large woman naked?
LEONARDO NIMOY: Indeed I am. Indeed I am.
GUY DRESSED AS CmdrR WITH FLOWERS IN HIS HAIR: This just in, Tekmovie.com reports a major fire at Comic Con in San Fran… San Die… San California. The Governor has arrived to look over the devastation.
GOVERNOR: Awwwwwwwww… after all those mighty Rommie Ales, my incredible pee has saved the day and put out all these fires. Now, when wilderness breaks out ablaze, I will just drink more and then save Malibu and all the girly actors. Elect me again, puny Californians, for I am your Crom.
BND: Geez, I saw folks dressed in short red skirts and Jabba slave outfits and I thoughts I wuz’ back onboard me ship “Tha’ Foreplay.” Turns oot it’s a sci-fi… errrrrrr… Scy Fy conny-vention and all I got wuz’ this here Starrygate from some blonde lass wit’ an English accent worse than me own…
>>>> (Stargate opens)
THX: Wow, this is the bets model I ever built! And I had that Raquel Welch snap-together as a child… This thing really works… let’s see, where should I go in this AMT large scale Stargate?
HARRY BALLZ: There once was a man with a gate
Who knew that is was surely fate
To go anywhere
Without underwear
And hide while he masterba…
THX: No, no, no… I just want a little sax time to myself now and then.
AJ: Damn it! If my computer wasn’t problematic I could write something better than this…
‘BEACH: Nero’s head wasn’t that bad… I mean I didn’t try it! It was just… his head…
BJORG QUEEN: There there, dahling, yay, why don’t you just let me slip this into your spinal cord, yay. Look at my amazing bosum while my little tednrils surely do slip you into soemthing less comfortable, yay. Latex is alright, yay.
‘BEACH: Tastes like cheese…
BND: TOG… now then, watch where ye’ swing that thing!!! Oh, I kidz cuz’ I… cuz’ I… uhhhh… Line?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Unlike tha’ rest o’ ye’ Trekkites, I dunna fear Typonians…
I mean, who kan spel gud allza time?
No worries…
Tha’ best model has tendrils…
Wrote it with my EDITED anyways… so much vascular area yet little dexterity…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
OK… so many typos in me storee…
Awwwkie-Yikes… well, that’s why pencils have them erasers, so ye’ can try ta’ take oot tha’ bras in tha’ JC Penney catalouge underwear ads…
Erase erase erase…
At least I didda not mispell tha’ franchise like this:
“Sars Tech” … when ye’ need a machine ta’ stop yer’ coughin’…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
First Sars Tech, and now there’s tomaine in my romaine.
I guess I won’t be having a BLT with the Bjorg Queen anytime soon, yay. But, it’s all good because we’ll soon have Universal Healthcare, so the Bjorg can get the cream they need for itchy implants… and Nero can get his ear fixed… and T’Pol can get the counterweights she needs to stand up straight… and I’m babbling, ain’t I? Soooo… back to vacation, yay.
Honestly, BND, AMT did not make a working scale model of the Stargate. If you want one for yourself, may I suggest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y50rdtZbGE
Come ta’ think o’ it… me large scale Starrygate does look like an 18-wheeler semi tire dressed up in Egypto-hyroglyphs wit’ silver magic marrrrrrrker and ACE bandages (fur’ tha’ mummy effect)…
Hmmmmm… why then did it all-magic-like take me ta’ me front yard from tha’ back yard?
Oh, well…
>> ” Dear AMT,
Make a large charged workin’ Starry-Gates so I can spring upon Ms. McFadden whilst she’s sonic-showerin’… and then sleep her off on THX’s couch in tha’ specific Pacific city o’ ‘See-all-tell’. Wesley can make T’s sax more efficient. And bathe me naughty bits wit’ a sponge. And stand by me as I hurl inta’ Puget sound cuz’ his mom’s unshavery stuck in me throat…. All thanks ta’ model makers. Wesley… ye’ can go home now. Please. Just go! Oh, God, he’s flyin’ his rainbow shirt…”<<
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
You can crash here, bro’, but don’t eat the potpourri like last time. I’ll be sure to hide the cats. CmdrR. has the last of my Pendleton so you’re outta luck there.
Shouldn’t we be getting our first on-site (San Diego) report from the lovely Denise around about now?
If TOG follows me ta’ tha’ city o’ ‘See-It-All’, can we keep him? He coulda sleep in tha’ garage…
CMDRR: (at newsdesk) Hey, look at this- San Diego seems to be breaking off into the bay… somebody in a tiny two-piece “mirror” outfit is sailing it out to sea, waving a curved sword and yelling “Len-hard”… or “Leonard” or something. And, cut to this- some guy wearing no pants who reeks of gin (and is slightly on fire due to it) is trying to do the same thing in Seattle, despite it being landlocked… more or less… What? Oh. Well, that was the news boss so run the Britney Spears footage instead. Heard she ate part of her foot last night…
NEIL ARMSTRONG: That’s one small bite for a woman…
BUZZ ALDRIN: I’m really sick of BND and his sophmoric lampooning of us. (punches BND in face)
BND: Awwwwwwwk! Tha’ eagle as landed! I get me a blackeye like tha’ man in tha’ moon!
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Godspeed.
BUZZ ALDRIN: Let’s see what’s on the Discovery Channel…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Harry#185- I am not in San Diego, my darling, although I will be in New Jersey next weekend and Vegas the weekend after that. I will update you when I get back, be assured.
Jersey… California… what be tha’ difference?
In one place Tony Soprano whacks ye’, in tha’ other a soprano lily-voiced tranny whacks ye’…
Oh… I’ll stick ta’ me Cincinnati three-ways… meaty sweet chili o’er spaghetti wit’ lots o’ cheddar…
It all good…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
#187
Denise, thanks for the update, sweetcheeks!
TGIF!!
To
Give
In
Freely?
TOG
Goes
Insane
Ffrequently?
Shudda said:
TOG
Goes
Insane
Frequently?
Damn Typonians…
Wellsaboo, vacation is coming to an end. The hotel wants its pillows back and I’ll oblige as soon as I get the stains out. It’s been fun, and was only slightly ruined when that weenie at ESPN posted peephole video of me cavortin’ in my birthday suit. I wouldn’t mind — hell, I’m used to the cottage cheese — but now the whole world knows “Does he, or doesn’t he? — He does.” In any case, it’s back to the heat o the South and another dose of reality coming up soon. Hope everyone else is having a great week.
194:
“…it’s back to the heat o the South…”
Where did you go on vacation?
Beach — Spent the week in RI cause it’s Oceans of Fun. kuh-ching; thank you RI Dept. of Commerce and Tourism.
Back to my brush with fanny fame, I’m reminded of a poem:
“O would some Power the gift to give ‘em
To see our butts as others see ‘em!”
Ah, celebrity is a heavy burden, indeed.
192/3: I agree completely! (And trust me, I know) :)
196: I’m pretty sure my next door neighbor saw me the other day feeling around on my butt to try to gauge how far it’s sagging.
197:
Nah. We all luvs our TOGster. He knows I kidz…
191/192,
Well, can’t deny it!
197,
I know where you sleep……
NCIS tonight?
#198
A fellow I know once pointed out that he knew he was getting older when, one day, he got out of bed and stepped into the shower. As he’s rinsing his hair he suddenly wondered, “what’s that touching the back of my leg? Oh my gawd, IT’S MY ASS!!!”
Have a good weekend, everybody….
199:/202
He knows that I love him too. ;-) And have a good weekend yourself.
200:
Sounds good to me if I can arrange it. Rummy until one is getting a little exhausting after a while.
Back in HOT HOT HOTlanta.
Everyone behaving themselves on this Friday night?
204,
[HIDES ROMULAN ALE AND A MOSTLY-NAKED DENISE]
Heh heh…..
Uhh….. define “behaving.”
No!
BWAHAHAHAHAA!!!
Just got back from the mall. Saw the new Hallmark Klingon ship. Nice detail and all, but two things kept me from getting it, at least for now. Yes, $32 is a lot for a thing the size of a HotWheels toy. And 2) it’s awfully dark in color. I know that may be the “accurate” movie color (please don’t send me the stats) but for a miniature, I would think you want to take it up a few shades in order to preserve the illusion of scale. Just a thought… I’ll probably still ask someone to get it for me for Xmas, although if I’m really smart, I’ll check eBay and maybe even wait a couple Xmases. Dunno. Too bad the lottery people keep picking the wrong numbers.
TOG#205- Thank you for hiding me last night as I was in the middle of stripping down to my Victoria’s secret underwear. I can always count on you… and do not let Harry give you any grief…
I will not give TOG any grief provided all digital shots of said strip show are immediately sent to my private e-mail…..GROWRR!!
Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!
[ROLLS OUT OF BED]
Merf…..
Stupid dogs barking at 6 AM…… try to go back to sleep….. barking every hour on the hour like canine coo-coo clocks…….. require caffeine….. Spock…… and Uhura…… not right…… WHY?! [ANGRY MUTTERING]
[PASSES OUT]
Spock and Uhura sitting in a tree
T’Pau is screaming, KAH-LIF-EE!
nyuk, nyuk…..woo, woo, woo!!
TOG — You want “not right,” then just sit yourself down for a 2 1/2 hour session of Michael Mann’s “Public Enemies.” Yikes! In a few years, there’s be a college drinking game: slam one back every time a) Johnny Depp’s oh-so-handsome drawn-on chin cleft comes or goes or b) someone says a line that makes everyone in the room groan. (No spoilers, but if anyone’s seen it, please rate the closing line against Chinatown’s finale scene.) Performances were fine, especially from Christian Bale. But, there’s just a cohesiveness missing. It’s like a few scenes from an incredibly long movie. There’s something missing that would help it all make sense.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled chatroom hijinks…
CmdrR
now that you mention it, you are the ONLY person I’ve heard say that they went to see this movie!
I guess bad word of mouth will make this stinker come and go in no time!
Good, because I can’t stand Christian Bale!!
If TWOK is Goodfellas, then Public Enemies is Nemesis.
The Lady in Red wears orange. (!?!?!?!0
There are some cool Tommy Gun battles, but really… this is a late night 7 beer movie.
Anyhoo… My vacation is over. Bwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Pray for me, if you will. I NEED TO GET A REAL JOB BEFORE THIS ONE KILLS ME.
Thanks all.
Yeah, I heard it wasn’t that great. It’s only done about an $8 million gain. I would’ve thought that big names like Bale and Depp would have brought in more people. If it weren’t for Transformers, I would almost go as far to say that people are actually getting smarter with their movies.
216 – ha!
216: Yes, but then people went to watch Trek too.
(JK!!! Don’t kill me!)
But seriously, people did go to see Hannah Montana, High School Musical 3, and Twilight.
People or slow-talking knuckle-draggers?
218,
Yes, that’s why I had that little modifier that we know as “almost.”
People are still morons with their money. This is why I only go to see 2 or 3 movies a year. This year seems good, though, so I might hit as many as 5.
Ooooh, if you don’t hit 5 does that mean you will have seen………the Fantastic Four?
Oh god! I think I’ll hit up “Where the Wild Things Are” annnnddddd “District 9″ looks interesting. Fantastic Four was awful. WHY the made a sequel, I have no idea……
222:
Saw the trailer for District 9 when I took my son to see Star Trek. It was longer and more detailed than the TV spots, and it did indeed look pretty good. I think it’s out of South Africa, of all places. Didn’t think they were particularly well known for large, elaborate movies like this. Story looked and sounded intriguing, and the acting was pretty good. Aliens looked believable. Should be a pretty good movie. We’ll see.
Personally, the studio should have sh*tcanned Fantastic Four after the first executive screening. You’d think somebody would have seen what a complete waste of time this movie was. I think what wrecked it for me was Doom. In the comics, it’s clear and explicit that VIctor von Doom has neither metahuman powers nor was he present when the team got theirs! Why the movie’s producers thought it was a brilliant idea to give him some powers on a mission he wasn’t even supposed to be on boggles the mind.
Don’t get me started on the sequel. The Surfer was cool and handled as well as could be expected, but the team was ill-used. And Galactus? Don’t make me laugh. Did the producers ever even do any research? Galactus is a thirty-some-odd foot tall humanoid, riding a solar-system-sized spacecraft. Not a focking gas cloud!
But the weekend box office goes to….
drum roll
…guinea pig spies!
Yep, we’re headed to Armageddon… and I don’t mean the Bruce Willis flick.
Never underestimate the power of “Mommy I want it!”. Doesn’t make a movie good , but it does give one box office legs. Also seen as a ninety-plus minute commercial for all the “G-Force” crap that’s going to flood stores, much like:
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” By all reports (haven’t seen it), complete crap as far as cinema goes, but it shows people and big robots blowing up sh*t so it’s BO gold. It also comes with a built in wave of useless, plastic crap that will sell like crazy.
In an odd aside, “Terminator: Salvation” was by reports a lousy movie (again, haven’t seen it), did so-so BO, and it’s toy lines didn’t sell well. Oh, well. Occastionally the consuming pubic gets one right.
“It is not always logical, but it is often true.”
- Spock, Amok Time
225,
Sad but true. I have absolutely no desire to see Transformers. Bay is an idiot. I was watching South Park last night, and they had him trying to pitch ideas to the government.
==========================================
BAY: And then you can have an ATV fly over a helicopter and it can be like POOSH! WOOM! BAM! GRRRR-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH!
GENERAL: Those are special effects, not stories.
BAY: …… I—don’t understand the difference.
GENERAL: I know you don’t.
226:
Dead on! LOL!
That’s why JJ got it right. He focussed on character above visuals and it paid off big time. Gee, do we think Sir George (Lucas, which he ain’t yet, but it’s only a matter of time) could have learned something from this?
Lucas is a hack!
There, I said it!
Agreed.
Something happened in the 20 year Star Wars hiatus. The original trilogy was good, I’ll give him that. But the new ones were pretty much awful.
Yes, he is, Harry, on the one hand, but on the other, no, he wasn’t always.
American Graffiti was a decent little picture.
The first SW (Now branded “Episode IV”) was pretty damned good. The problem with the Prequels was that he tried to shoehorn the performances (which he considers to be whatever is right on the page. No patience for letting actors find their own way) in between the titanic visuals, instead of the reverse.
Visuals serve the story, or they should. Lucas focked up because he made the visuals be the story, and performances be damned. I mean, come on. Liam Neeson? Natalie Portman? Ewan MacGregor? Sam Jackson? Hella fine actors, to name a few, every damned last one of them, and Lucas wasted them.
I think somebody said on this chat thread a couple hundred years ago that during Ep IV Harrison Ford basically guided the other younger actors (I won’t say directed, though he may as well have) through the shoot. Shows you how useless GL is as an actor’s director.
229:
Yes, it’s called skill atrophy. Let’s see, his buddy Spielberg made what? about six hundred movies in that time? Got better and better as a director, no? What did Lucas direct? One? Maybe two? Both stinkers.
The only reason the original trilogy was any good at all was because Lucas was smart enough to bring in better writers, who knew the characters, and directors who got bravura performances out of their actors. I mean, the final confrontation with Palpatine? Great, dramatic stuff. IN Ep i-III he had Shakespearean-level actors, and couldn’t direct them to the focking bathroom. Talk about a waste of material.
In that sense, Harry is right. In most respects that count, Lucas is a hack.
Let me clarify…….’Beach is right. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, American Grafitti WAS a decent little film. I should know, I saw it 150 times! Nothing strange about that since I was an usher at the Uptown Theatre in Toronto where I saw it 3 times a week over the entire year it ran.
Lucas is an example of what happens to most artists. They tend to do their best work back when they’re young, hungry and struggling to succeed. Once successful, the majority turn into fat, bloated, spoiled shadows of their former self where they proceed to “phone it in” for the rest of their careers! Spielberg is no exception!
Hollywood needs to bring on some fresh hungry new talent!
Nah, that makes too much sense!!
STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
The Bridge
Archer: “Where’s T’Pol? Trip?”
Trip: “Why’re you askin’ me, Skipper?”
Archer: “Last I heard, she was polishing your knob on a regular basis.”
Mayweather: (clears throat) “Sir? She’s ummm, polished mine, too…a few times…”
Reed: “Mine, too Sir…”
Archer: (Sarcastically) “What about you, Hoshi?”
Hoshi: “She gave me a Cleveland Steamer, sir.”
Archer: “So…It would appear that I’m the only one here who has not had sexual relations with my First Officer.”
Trip: “As it should be, Cap’n. Don’t y’all think so?”
The Bridge crewmembers nod their heads, murmuring agreement.
Hoshi: “And don’t forget…you ARE flaccid, Captain.”
Archer: “Something isn’t right here…Something I….AJ! Show yourself!”
AJ materializes with a certain unclothed female Vulcan wrapped around his back. “How perceptive, mon Capitain.”
Archer: “Hoshi! Translate what he just said!”
Hoshi rolls her eyes.
AJ: T’Pol, go get some clothes on. (T’pol scurries naked to the Turbolift and disappears). I am back, Archer. I will continue to make your little life miserable until it bores me. Which it already has….” (Disappears)
Archer: “Malcolm! Internal scan!”
Reed: “Give it a rest, sir. You know he’s not here.”
Archer: “Hoshi!”
Hoshi: (turns and looks at Archer incredulously) “Yes…sir?”
Archer: “Send a subspace message to Starfleet that we have encountered the entity known as “AJ” once again. And tell me, please…What is a Cleveland Steamer?”
FIN
Harry Ballz: “After a prolonged absence, AJ has returned. Not with his best work, but with an unmistakeable calling card that says “Blow me.”
TOG: “I was just in Cleveland…is that a sandwich or something?”
Denise De Arman: “Wrong Vulcan, AJ….Ohhh My…”
‘Beach: “AJ lowers the bar once again…right to where it should be”
BND: “Awwwk! Back ta AJ’s arse-flappin’ style again, are we? Arrrr…..”
Mr. Spock: “Spoon me, Jim…”
Because I’m a journalist, and because I’m anal, I must correct an earlier error. The woman in red did in fact wear orange. Hmm. Score one for Michael Mann. His movie, however, still stinks.
Thus endeth the lesson.
A Q parody? Funny!
Archer being flaccid? Absolutely!
A Cleveland Steamer??!! Priceless!
AJ needs to be assraped by Snirkles.
^ meant in the loving, Christian way, of course.
It’s been hovering around 110 degrees plus or minus a few for 2 weeks…and yet I have bronchitis. How is that possible? I am coughing nonstop and it sounds like I have a 5 pack a day habit!
‘Beach: “AJ lowers the bar once again…right to where it should be”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I should know, since I apparently did!
Kudos, AJ.
232: Harry
And I quote: “…’Beach is right.”
I think I might have that framed. And I might just cry. Thanks, man.
#240 No prob!
Hey, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while!
238:Lixy
Yuck.
Poor baby.
Try some hot tea with honey (With NO cream or milk in it. Avoid caffeine and dairy because they create more phlegm and exacerbate the problem, as does too much sugar). Hot baths should loosen the congestion and make the spirit feel better, too. Vicks rub is a help sometimes too.
Love from all of us…
Liz:
If you are in a perpetually air-conditioned environment, it can certainly exacerbate what normally would be a normal cough-due-to-whatever. If it is really bronchitis, you may want to look to antibiotics. Otherwise, ‘Beach is spot-on, (and try cognac as well before bed).
241: HArry
And that selfsame blind squirrel has wood all the time!
243:
Allow me to quote once again: …‘Beach is spot-on….
Wow. Such love.I may frame your comment, AJ. Thanks.
Bear in mind though, I got two kids (and one wife!). I have endured and taken care of the yuckies like Lixy’s a thousand times
236:
“AJ needs to be assraped by Snirkles”
Ahhh, it’s nice to be amongst loved-ones again….
244:
Me, too. Two kids, and myself. I used to be asthmatic, and every cough turned into bronchitis. I’m sure you had fun with nebulizers…
Nothin’ knocks tha’ ‘citis outta ye’ like a good snog… A $300 Chippendale visit (not from TWOK) is worth az much as a grand at tha’ ratty doctor…
“Awwwk kooli poo and lower go boom!”
- That’s some graffiti I put upon an American wall once… that and somethin’ aboot Han Solo bein’ frigid…
Lord, Mr. Ford- would it kill ye’ ta’ lipstick kiss me an 8 by 10 glossy?
Where tha’ blazes am I?
Oh, Awwwk! Back ta AJ’s arse-flappin’ style again, are we?
I need ta’ go beat up Starry War Lucas… Gots me a plan… I’ll disguise meself as Hard Hard Binks and sneak inta’ his bloomin’ Skywalky Ranch… then, as I makes me way ta’ his master bedroom whilst George boy is all aslumber… I strike! And force him ta’ phone Mr. Ford and ask ta’ lipstick kiss me an 8 by 10 glossy… Shia did fur’ free… but I burned me shorties afterwards…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
“Try some hot tea with honey (With NO cream or milk in it. Avoid caffeine and dairy because they create more phlegm and exacerbate the problem, as does too much sugar). ”
wait…what did he type????? AVOID CAFFEINE…..AVOID CAFFEINE??!!!!!!
LALALALALALALALALA….I can’t hear you.
Anyone see this yet? It’s an orchestra playing the theme “Enterprising Young Men” from the new movie. Pretty fun to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtrsX4Xus4g
“Liz:
If you are in a perpetually air-conditioned environment, it can certainly exacerbate what normally would be a normal cough-due-to-whatever. I…”
It’s 9:14 pm and still 109 degrees here so yup….I live for the A/C. But it is bronchitis according to doc. Got antibiotics and some nice codeine laced cough medicine.
Liz:
Good. The ability to sleep is key. In my experience, Remy Martin did as good a job as the ‘laced’ meds.
Get well!
Remy Martin??
What, is that bastard back in town???
AJ, you know I would only suggest you be assraped by a green cartoon character because I care.
(runs like hell, but knows there’s no place to hide)
CmdrR#153- ROTFLMAO!!
AJ- Welcome back to the Crazy Zone, Sweetie! You have been missed!
Liz- Oh no, you simply cannot be sick. Want me to come out to Phoenix and nurse you back to health in time for Vegas? Maybe a LIIT or two would do the trick…
Correction: CmdrR#253- ROTFLMAO!
“Liz- Oh no, you simply cannot be sick. Want me to come out to Phoenix and nurse you back to health in time for Vegas? Maybe a LIIT or two would do the trick.”
Hi sweetie! I can’t help but chuckle reading this cause I know this conjured up visions of you in a nursing uniform for our gentlemen in chat. And anyway….don’t you have a Spock or two to attend to this weekend? ;)
As for LIITs, I DO have a rather large bottle in my frig……for medicinal purposes of course.
LIIT — for medicinal purposes only.
Yeah, I vaguely remember that idea. It’s kinda fuzzy, along with most of my sophomore year.
Nice to know “assrape” is now an accepted part of the “Star Trek” lexicon. A real timesaver vs. old-fashioned innuendo.
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters 0130.
Kirk: “Hey, Spocko…What would you think if I said I want to spelunk your mud-trail?”
Spock: “My mud-trail.”
Kirk: “Yes.”
Spock: “It might help my analysis if I knew what a ‘mud-trail’ was. Beyond the Biblical reference, of course.”
Kirk: “Of course.”
Silence
Kirk: “I’d like to piledrive your poop-shoot. Mr. Spock.”
Spock: “Your reference to the “poop-shoot” would imply my possession of a device which randomly propels or releases fecal matter, would it not? And ‘poop’ is a term used primarily by human parents with their offspring. My mother often…”
Kirk: “Spock…Do you think I’m sexy?”
Spock: “Must I tell you again?”
Kirk: “Dammit, Spock, I’m trying to talk dirty to you! I’m using colorful metaphors to ask you a question to which I already know the answer!”
Spock: “And that question would be?”
Kirk: (sighs) “Can I assrape you now?”
Spock: “Is that not why I’ve come to your quarters?”
Kirk: “You’re really gonna get it tonight, Spock.”
An eyebrow goes up.
FIN
All this kinda reminds me of the “Arrested Development” episode where David Cross’s character, a Therapist and Psychonanalyst, wanted to and actually printed business cards that said he was an “Analrapist”.
Denise in a nursing uniform?
Well, I….(cough)…..think that…..(cough, cough)…..I could use some medicinal care right about now!
Sponge baths, yes, anal thermometers, NO!
ATTENTION!!
William Shatner was on The Tonight Show reciting Sarah Palin’s farewell speech like a poem!! It’s hilarious!! It’s on Youtube (just type the words “Shatner” and “Palin” into the search). I don’t know how to post a link to it! Watch it!
To be honest, Shatner looks healthy and fit….much better than he has in a while!
I saw it and laughed so hard I almost died of a coughing fit.
Careful you don’t cough up a kidney!
http://www.tonightshowwithconanobrien.com/
Laughed so hard, I assraped myself.
AJ#259- I laughed so hard I almost had one of Liz’s coughing fits…
Harry#261- You always need some medicinal care, my dear, at least in the brain department… but thank you for the compliment…
I cannot believe Palin actually said that stuff. Shatner actually reads it better than she does. I think she is tripping on something.
So, Denise, if I came down with a bad case of Ponn Far, tell me, would you be willing to “nurse” me back to health?
ARCHER: These genetic supermen sure are banging my hull up!
T’POW: You could have phrased that better. The Augments’ ship has collapsed our rear hull plating.
TRIP: The back barndoor’s open, cap’n!
BND: Awwwwwwwwk! I’ve come from tha’ future ta’ warn ye’ aboot… (console blows up near BND, killing him)
TRIP: Who the hell is that guy in a sailor’s suit? Well, the top half of a sailor’s suit anyway…
ARCHER: He’s some guy who pops in from time to time to warn me about time things and bugs ruining the future.
T’POW: If we sustain more damage, we will have our future ruined.
ARCHER: Come with me, Trip. T’Powie, you have the ship control thingee…
T’POW: The con?
ARCHER: No, I don’t think he’s one of those Augments atacking us.
(later)
TRIP: Why the hell are we in the back of the ship? There’s no hull plating- look that hole in the hull is bigger than T’Pow’s breadbasket when I get through with her… if you know what I mean…
ARCHER: No, I don’t. But, anyway, drop your pants.
TRIP: Uhhhhhh… sir, we aren’t in Arkansas… and that time in college, well… the Wild Turkey made me do it…
ARCHER: No, we’re going to moon them with our inferior posteriors. They’ll get disgusted and leave. Or something.
TRIP: What the hell did they teach you at Starfleet Command College? That banjo player kid from “Deliverance” could come up with a better plan than that… but, oh, alright…
ARCHER: Trip- have you been… shaving?
TRIP: Don’t look at me! Tarnation! Just moon those muscularly enhanced hoomums out there.
(later)
HOSHI: Sir, the Augment ship has left.
ARCHER: My plan worked, golly. Hey, is that T’Powie’s catsuit on the floor?
REED: She decided to beam over and be with those burly, muscle-bound Chippendale dancers. Theirs are superior, it seems. Plan worked and they amscrayed. Commander, have you forgotten your trousers again?
TRIP: No! T’Pow! Don’t leave me (falls to knees clutching catsuit) T’Poooooooooooow! Oh, the pain! How I loved her more than a puny piglet loves to suckle her sow madea! Ohhhhhhhh! …. So, Hoshi, wanna watch me eat sushi, if you know what I mean…
BND: Why do I always get meself done in e’erytime this show ruins Starry Trek again?! Awwwwwwwwk! I need ta’ go see me the-rapist. Let’s see, which button sends me back to tha’ future? This one wit’ a back arrow?
ADMIRAL SARAH PALIN: (onscreen) Well, jeepers there, Captain Archer. Maybe you should just give up your commission. It’s the cool and confusing thing to do in your career.
WILLIAM SHATNER:
She packed her bags, FREE flight, zero hour, Nine……… AM…
And she’s going to be as HIIIIIIIIGH as a… kite by…. then…
She’s a Republican! Republican…. burning up her moose up there alone…
And I THINK it’s GOing… to be a long long time…
Till FOXNews stops covering her behind
She’s not the woman you think at all…
No, no, no… she’s a Republican! Republican… shot another goose with bow and arrow…
Fairbanks ain’t a place to raise your kids… in fact… it’s COLD as hell…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Some of the mushrooms you can eat and some of them should be left alone.
What aboot tha’ ones that grow upon me foot?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Put ‘em on a pizza and see what happens.
272:
Nah..They have to be dry and crappy-tasting.
THX#270- LMAO!
Don’t criticize ’shrooms! The ’shrooms are my friends!!
I have a friend who dreamed she had mushrooms growing out of her feet that smelled like poop. Laughed until I almost had a hemorrhage.
Yeah, gimmee the large pizza with mushrooms, toe jam and poop! Hold the anchovies!
Um…
Let’s see if anyone remembers me.
After over half a month.
:D
*Proceeds to plop down in a corner.
Hey, Christine!
What have you been up to this summer?
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Monday
Tuesday
THEN CON!!!!!
It can’t get here soon enough! Lizzie needs to escape!
Escape from the Planet of the Nerds… starring Liz, Ricardo Montalban, and Sal Mineo.
Hey, it couldn’t be worse than Transformers II.
More like Escape TO the Planet of the Nerds.
Man, I wish I was going to the convention. Last year was a lot of fun for the wife and I even though she was far from 100%. Star Trek and Vegas would be a real blast now that she has her strength back.
The Experience will be missed I’m sure , but just remember that you can make up for it with lot’s of those Everclear slurpees.
Mmmmmmmmmm, slurpees!
McCoy: I won’t offer you a drink , Spock. Heaven forbid alcohol interfere with those mathematically perfect brainwaves.
Spock: I will have an Everclear Slurpee, thank you doctor.
(five minutes later)
Spock: (strumming on his Vulcan harp) —
Let’s get f@#$5ed up – Gimme a cup I’ll drink till I throw up
Let’s get f@#$5ed up – Alcohol my only friend
Licking my lips ’cause I got the craving
Saturday night and I’ve been saving
My appetite for alcohol
Give my motherf@#$5ing peeps a call
Where can we do this? It really dont matter
Let’s get drunk, no let’s get plastered
I ain’t got s^*& to do in the morning
F@34 the surgeon general’s warning
Let’s get f@#$5ed up – Gimme a cup I’ll drink till I throw up
Let’s get f@#$5ed up – Alcohol my only friend
Kirk: Jeez, Bones. Thank God you didn’t give him one of your little red pills.
283:
Missus THX is out of spacedock and cruisin’? That is great news, T. GIve her our best.
Man I haven’t done a con in probably 15 years. That was back when the TNG crowd was making the rounds.
Gawd I’m old…
#286
I’ll give her your best and go at LEAST one better by giving her my best. If you know what I mean. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Say no more, say no more.
About those Everclear slurpees:
Apparently if you have been drinking them all day they frown on letting you take your fifth one on the Deuce. Nobody stopped me on the monorail, though.
Innebriated Spock: Mizzuz THX is two o duh best lookin’ broads in the galazy… Godblessser…
Beach#286- Come to a con with Liz and me and we will make you feel young as when the world was new…
I like inebriated Spock…
Inebriated Spock: An’ I like you, fella. You got nice bumpz — Youze sure yer a guy? Ooooh… I sure gotta drain the sehlat, ifyaknowwhaddi …. zzzzzzzzzz
Well, while CmdrR runs a little water through the garden hose, how’s everybody on this hump day?
It be hump day?
Well, I did grow me a mushyroom that be shaped like something womanly…
Our sons will be fun-guys…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
286: I haven’t done a con since 1983. In fact, that’s the only one I’ve ever attended (but I got to meet Leonardo and Jimmy Doohan, so that’s alright).
It’s been years since I’ve been to a…………….CON!!!!!!!!
Sorry, ever since TWOK I tend to shout that particular word!
I was wit’ a con last night… Why does I fall fur’ these fallen gals?
Two weeks outta’ stir and not reformed, she took me wallet, me one forlorn condom, and me sailor hat, and me IDIC medal (or whatever it be… bunch o’ rock candy strung together) and she drove off in me LeSabre…
At least I still have me Kirk merkin…
And her orange jumpsuit which I fastened a “scare-crow” outta’ ta’ remind not ta’ date tha’ recently paroled…
BND must be “jail bait”…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Hungover Spock: (slowly stirring from his damp spot in the corner) uuuuuhhh. What? Whe- where are my clothes, and who put this merkin on my gerkin?
Still Inebriated Scotty: It’s green.
Hungover Spock: Naturally, since my blood is copper-based, engineer. Where are my clothes?
Still Inebriated Scotty: I believe the lass knick’d ‘em.
Denise: (wearing a regulation blue starfleet tunic, tied at the waist to expose her belly button) It took two washes to get the stink out.
Hungover Spock: A regrettable lapse in judgement on my part, attributable to my seven-year pon barr cycle, which strips a Vulcan of all common sense and leads him to make poor choices that deprive him of his underpants.
Still Inebriated Scotty: They’re green!
Denise: Yes. I burned those.
“pon barr cycle”
That’s where you go on a seven-year drinking binge, right?
Perfect!
Or, as Denise can confirm, the “Con Bar” cycle.
ARCHER: You know what’s really bugged me about Star Trek?
TRIP: Not enough tittage, sir?
ARCHER: Uh, what’s that? More nacelles? I don’t know. But what has really bugged me is that these starship people encounter strange new worlds and they have what? Maybe one or two cultures on them?
TRIP: Dr. Phlox says I have more than a hundred cultures on my privates.
ARCHER: I mean, let’s face it, intelligent life on a distant earth-like planet would have hundreds of diverse cultures and voices. And that’s just from procreating with the goats. But here, in space, we see maybe one or two cultures on any given world.
TRIP: But a thousand different species on a thousand different worlds. Hey, would it help if I put on T’Pow’s old catsuit for you, sugar bear?
ARCHER: Why would I want you out of uniform, Trip? Look, it’s unrealistic. So many governments must have formed on these alien worlds… so many beliefs and customs…
TRIP: The Federation brought Earth together as one milky spill. Just like Hoshi and I share a special bond sometimes… though she does try Hari Kari after I juice myself in her mouth… One time, to really bite me, she brought in these dentures for her…
ARCHER: Trip, it just seems so pre-formulated… like our future is already written and we’re just here for the fans to say “Oh, yeah… Kirk kills that later.”
TRIP: Well, if life is a formula, at least I still got my X-TC to put in Hoshi’s green tea…
T’POW: (nude and ragged from Augment’s ship) No more green tea to green PuEDITED FuEDITED for you, mister. (shoots Trip, cooks a catfish up) I like my fish well done and hard and blackened and a little salty.
ARCHER: That’s really good fish. I can see why Trip kept saying he likes dining at your Y… though this fish is shaped more like an erect I…
BND: I be from tha’ future… ye’ wanna help Kirkie along and lay some groundwork and… Awwwwwwwwk! Damn-ed Duracells! Me time machine keeps bringing me back ta’….
OPTIMUS PRIME: You can see why we’ve hidden much from you.
BND: No, no, no! Hell is tha’ Michael Bay film festival!!!!!!! Awwwwwwwk! Hey, is Megan gunna show her fox here? Not so bad, I supposes.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Wow. BND, that was awesome.
Juice myself in her mouth. An Instant Classic.. I thought Vulcans were vegetarians though. They don’t eat fish. Maybe T’Powie would prefer a tossed salad.
“dining at your Y”
Bravo!! Haven’t heard that phrase since high school! :>)
289:
Pity I cannot. It would have been glorious…
Wow, this will be the FIRST con for me THIS year. I am slipping…..
THE CAPTAINS OF “STAR TREK”
Jonathan Archer: Drives a “Warp 5 Ship”
James Kirk: Drives a Warp 6 ship, but at warp 9. Once hit Warp 13.
Jean-Luc Picard: Can reach Warp 9.5, but at extreme risk.
Ben Sisko: Drives an office and plays with his balls.
Katherine Janeway: Drives 70,000 light years in the wrong direction, and still wonders when Chakotay will ask for directions.
THE FIRST OFFICERS OF “STAR TREK”
T’Pol: Respects Archer because he will never try to have sex with her
Spock: Respects Kirk because of what happened last night, all night.
Riker: Can’t see his own penis. Respects Picard because his head resembles a penis, which he imagines, looks like his.
Major Kira: Dates a bucket of goo. Respects Sisko because he is Jesus Christ for Bajorans, and a neat-o boss, to boot.
Chakotay: A stern rebel. Respects Janeway because she smokes something other than her cigarettes every night.
THE USELESS CHARACTERS OF STAR TREK
The entire cast of “Enterprise” except T’Pol and Phlox
Ensign Pavel Andreyevich Chekhov
Wesley Crusher is not useless, but Deanna Troi is.
The non-hardcore-lesbian-mirror Kira Nerys
Neelix: Must die, Must die, This Neelix must die!
Honorable mention:
Saavik in STIII: Allowed a horny teenage Spock to get way past first base and was not incarcerated.
Well, that’s over.
I liked Troi! Well….. not in the series itself. She was whiny and annoying. I liked her very short, concise appearances in Voyager, however. She wasn’t too bad in the movies.
Riker needs to work out.
Chakotay, too.
STAR TREK VOYAGER
Captain’s Log. I am returning from planet Beta IV where I successfully negotiated a trade for some much needed proto-ionic powercells. Voyager has gone ahead to investigate a possible protostar, and my shuttle will rendez-vous with her in several hours. Time for some rest. Janeway out.
Janeway: “Computer. Time to rendez-vous?”
Computer: “Four hours, twenty-nine minutes, present speed.”
Janeway: “Retract bed.”
A comfortable bed unfolds from the shuttle wall. Janeway unzips her uniform. It drops quickly to the ground as she steps toward the replicator, pulling her boots off easily with her feet.
Janeway: “Computer. Make me a bone-dry martini with a green olive and a pack of Virginia Slims. With matches.”
The libation and cigarettes appear instantly, and Janeway takes a long sip before ripping open the pack and lighting a cig. She takes a deep drag.
Janeway: “Now this…THIS is relaxation….”
Janeway takes another long sip, and several drags on the cigarette before stepping into the bathroom to flick some ashes. The smoke escapes the shuttle quickly as Janeway finishes her drink.
Janeway: “Computer? Another martini, please. And an ashtray.”
These appear, and the Captain takes them over to her bed, sitting down as she places her drink and smoking accessories on a fold-out night-table. She puts out the cigarette, and reaches back to remove her bra.
As her breasts unfurl, she cups each one in a hand, and feels their firmness. She then moves her palms lightly over her nipples in a circular motion. They perk up immediately. She gets up and moves to the bathroom door’s full-length mirror, massaging her hardened nipples in front of her reflection
Janeway: “I would do me…I would so do me….”
She reaches down to her panties, and after a quick push down, they drop to the floor, and are kicked needlessly away. Hands move down from her nipples to explore newly revealed territory. Janeway backs slowly toward the bed, feeling the fire as it begins to burn….She falls down on the mattress, eyes closed as the heat takes her into remembrances of past passions and the forbidden realm of lovers yet unconquered. Her deft fingers are now outside her body as her pulse quickens, and her imagined lovers prepare to take her willingly over the edge….She opens her eyes briefly and sees a rectangular red sign directly above the bed:
“MASTURBATION IS PROHIBITED Starfleet Codex, Article 275, Subsection H/A25.”
Janeway: “Aww, Crap.”
FIN
Now, what jerk-off came up with THAT regulation? :>)
Nicely done, sir!
CmdrR#297- Thank you for a writing a story wherein I relieved Spock of his undergarments… I get all hot and bothered just thinking about it…
AJ#307- Oh, poor Janeway. This situation simply must be fixed. The proper ending to this is Seven barreling in, wrenching the sign from the ceiling, throwing it out the airlock, and then throwing herself on Janeway…
Harry,
Right there with you on Le Babe de Violin, youza and hot-che-momma, get me some ice cubes my pants are on fire!!!
}:-D>
STAR TREK: WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS
Kirk: “Mr. Spock? Status report.”
Spock: “We are in a non-descript sector of space with no systems within sensor range, and no ships in hailing distance. We have no current orders from Starfleet Command.”
Kirk: “Are we moving?”
Spock: “No, sir. We are at station-keeping. We have no place to go.”
Kirk: “Helm, Warp Factor 2, any direction. Tactical? Arm phasers and photon torpedoes.”
Sulu: “Yes, sir!”
Chekov: “Yes, ser!”
Kirk: “Now..we’re moving, Mr. Spock. Now we’re making a difference!”
Spock (eyebrow raised): “Indeed. I’m going to go take a shower. (leaves).
Uhura: “Sir! We’re picking up a transmission!”
Kirk: “On speakers, Lieutenant!”
Monitor: “Universal Time Check..The time is now 10:46. PM. And 10 seconds. Universal Time Check. The time is now 10:46. PM. And 20 seconds. Univer…”
Kirk: “Turn it off, Lieutenant. (punches comm) Bones!”
McCoy (on intercraft): “What!? I’m with Scotty d-drinkin’ some kinda Andorian anti-freeze..At least I think it’s Scotty..Hey! Who the f*ck are you, anyway? Wake up!”
Kirk: “Very well…Mr. Sulu? You have the con. I’ll be in..Mr. Spock’s….shower.” (turns and leaves).
Sulu (engages subspace): “Have you been listening your highness? The Enterprise is yours!”
Monitor: “Universal Time Check..The time is now 10:47. PM. And 30 seconds. Universal Time Check. The time is now 10:47. PM. And 40 seconds.”
Chekhov: “Vat an absolutely shitty episode.”
FIN
Commodore, you really must come by Chat more often!
306: Chakotay? Really? That isn’t what you were saying when talking about that picture on your computer…
“As her breasts unfurl…”
um. eeeooow.
Hey look –
Madonna’s signed on to play Skeletor!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/3am/2009/07/29/madonna-sex-tapes-for-sale-thanks-to-former-bodyguard-lover-115875-21555200/
Arrrrrrrrg! Just woke up from a horrific nightmare wherein JJ put scenes in the new movie showing Spock and Uhura kissing… oh, wait…
Spock: Ooops. Looks like DD is waking up. Quick, put your tongue in my ear one more time before she’s fully awake, then let’s get outta here.
Uhura: Sure thing, Sugarthighs.
Denise: uuuuuh. whuh? What’s this wet spot? It’s enormous!!
315:
Um, Madge, sweetie? Two words:
Body. Fat.
#316/Denise —
Still trying to get those images out of my head.
Anywho…did you see where there will be a TREKMOVIE meet and greet Wednesday night? I’m in town by then and did have plans but am going to try to change them now. Are you going to be in Vegas then? Or just the weekend?
Denise:
You meant to say this:
“Arrrrrrrrg! Just woke up from a horrific nightmare wherein JJ put scenes in the new movie showing Spock and Uhura kissing”…. Captain Kirk. One on each ear.
Kirk: “Wow…it must be my birthday.”
Spock: “Affirmative, sugarthighs.”
Uhura (grabs Kirk’s crotch): “Aww, baby, is that all you’ve got?”
Kirk (grabs Spock’s crotch): “No, Ms. Uhura, but please make time to fit us both in.”
(AJ runs and hides)
318: She can have some of mine. I’m looking to give 30-40 pounds away. Free to good home, one owner.
Our lovely Trek ladies are PHAT, not fat!
GROWRR!
JJ Abrams’ Production of “The Man Trap”
Starring: Madonna.
Fade up on a desolate velt. Little more than scrub grass and wild Borgia plants grow. It’s so dull, the planet doesn’t even get a name, just a catalogue number: M-113. There are scattered about the remains of a once great city. Three figures materialize. It’s William Shatner, McCoy, and some skinny guy who should be wearing a red shirt.
Shat: Bones, I don’t know why you rushed us down here so early. This chick you banged in med school is probably an old hag by now.
McCoy: Who cares. In 79 episodes, it’s not like you left me much. Sure, there was that time on the R&R planet where three chicks fought over me… but, that’s only because Gene was smoking a whole bag o weed by himself while writing it.
Shat: What about the ha-cha-cha high priestess in the giant flying space turd?
McCoy: Oh yeah. I always forget her… like I did five minutes after I agree to marry her. Anyway… where’s Skinny? Don’t tell me he went off and ate an untested plant?
There’s a scream in the distance. Shat lumbers over to the site where the skeletal remains of his crewmen lay in the sand. Professor (Is he REALLY called this?) Crater and his wife, Nancy join the party.
Crater: So anyway, welcome to M-113.
McCoy: Nancy! Did you do this?
Nancy (Played by Madonna): Plum, how could you accuse me?
Shat: What’s going on, Bones? What do you know about Nancy that only you, she, Professor Crater, and the audience know?
McCoy: It was a long time ago, Captain. But, back in the day, Nancy could suck the fat out of a man faster than he could blink.
Shat: Hmm. Young lady, come with me.
They step behind the nearest papier mache boulder. There’s some groaning. McCoy and Crater look skyward. Out from behind the boulder steps a young, svelt James T. Kirk.
Kirk: (zipping his fly) Yes well, our mission here seems to be finished.
McCoy: (to Crater) This happen a lot?
Crater: Yes. Fleet week is the pits.
McCoy: (to Kirk) Okie Dokie. Done here, Captain.
Nancy (played by Madonna): Hey, I barely got any lines.
Corpse of murdered crewman: You’re complaining??
JJ: Well, that sucked. HAHAHAHA. Get it? Anyway, it’s the middle of a trilogy. The real money’s in part three. See ya all in two years.
en fin
CmdrR:
Fleet Week on Planet M-113? Get the vision out of my head!
And I think the thin guy was “Crewman Green.”
I so desperately want to comment. Why is that? Maybe I just need some more lipo-fellatus inspired fiction in the Star Trek genre. If you could work in some fungus hallucinations and salad tossing that would be swell.
Skele-whore? Run! Run like a villain!!!!
And now some collected letters from Lord Tribbleton:
Dear AMT,
Whilst I appreciate yer’ models throu-oot tha’ years, I have me a complaint aboot yer’ 7 o’ 9 snap together model. It seems me kit wuz’ missin’ tha’ naughty bits. And I mean tha’ naughty anatomilly uprises one can see through her uniform as if her clothes wuz’ a shapeshiftin’ goo.
Please send me me crotch and boobies.
Cordially,
D.J., Lord Tribbleton IV
x
Dear Sugarthighs,
I gots me a cavity from ye’. Now, whilst I have caught many mean diseases from yon maidens, this be a first. Enclosed be me dentist’s bill fur’ ye’ ta’ reimburse me. Pay no attention ta’ fact he be a proctologist on paper.
Luvs ye’, lass,
D.J., Lord Tribbleton IV
x
Dear PGA Tour Boss,
Whilst I understand that Jamie Kingsley is tha’ best golfer now on record, I wonder if an asterisk be in order. When younger he wuz’ tha’ worst golfer e’er, finishin’ in tha’ last places, but that fateful day he took his second shot on tha’ fairway (out of turn, mind ye’) whilst another golfer teed off, he wuz’ struck in tha’ head wit’ that ball. That caused brain damage in Jamie which regulated him ta’ be childlike in demeanor, unable to move well, and incontineent (sic). But, his father, determined not ta’ let his golf career go unabated, found hisself a clause in tha’ PGA Tour rules that allowed golfers who had qualified ta’ tee off in tha’ spot most accomadatin’ ta’ thar’ condition. (Like lasses tee off nearer.) So, Jamie teed off from 3 feet from that thar’ hole. And, miraculously, as he slurred his speech and peed a bit, he hit a hole in one e’ery time. Iz this fair ta’ tha’ other golfers who now see him win Open after Open?
Cordially,
D.J., Lord Tribbleton IV
x
Dear ACLU,
I apologize fur’ blacklistin’ that thar’ handi-capped golfer from tha’ PGA tours. In all fairness, I ne’er got me 7 o 9 boobs, butt, and knees. And me cavity bill wuz’ ne’er paid so me teeth have been repo-ssessed (sic). If I get Jamie back on tha’ tour, will ye’ buy me a Care Bear?
All tha’ best,
D.J., Lord Tribbleton IV
x
Dear Chris Pine,
I apologize sincere-like fur’ makin’ green love ta’ yer’ bushes outside yer’ home. I sure do hope that me Madonna-impersonator did not muss up yer’ yard wit’ her skeletal droppings. I mean, who poos calcium bits, anyways?
Sincerely…. uhhhhhh…
A.J. Yes, I am A.J. Yup… find me on that thar’ Trekmovie.com… I am not BND at all… Spock goes glock on Ki-Roc’s rotty plot… See? A.J. not DJ…
PS- Chris- did ye’ find me sailor pants on yer’ torn-up lawn? It’s cold below. And, oh, dunna know why so many are upset that Zoe kissed Spockie… maybe give her extra booty-guards at tha’ upcomin’ con freak fest… I mean, endeared appreciaters o’ sci-fi celebration… and, on e-bay, I bought those bottomless pics o’ Nimoy ye’ shot in his dressin’ room… looks like a raisin in tha’ sun, mind ye’… but still, gotta’ love tha’ man… think he gots me pregnant as I am eatin’ ice cream wit’ bacon as I write… and I kneck-pinched tha’ mailman fur’ all tha’ TGIF coupons…
Oh, I kidz ciz I luvs… and can’t afford any more teeth knocked oot…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I’m beginning to think that BND stands for Batshit Nuts Dude!!!
I kidz cuz I luvz!
325:
Sounds like a good Riker story.
323/326
“Criminally funny!”
–Police Gazette
“Inpired Lunacy!”
–Modern Psychiatrics
“Gripping!”
–Journal for Applied Self-Love
“Why are we even reviewing this?”
–New York Times
“Long! And Very Wordy!”
–Chicago Tribune
“Can’t wait for the sequel!”
–Jeffrey Lyons, At The Movies
“You can wait. Trust me.”
–Roger Ebert, bitter ex-host of At The Movies
“Every once in a while something comes along that you wish you had written. This is not one of those times.”
–Stephen King, noted author.
307:
“It’s a stupid rule. Stupid rules are made to be broken.”
So, Jill away, Kathy…..
Arrrrrrrrrrrr…
I be perfectly normal… put on me pants one arm at a time like all tha’ rest o’ ye’…
And I paid them critics so well wit’ me Lexmark crafted dollars… Them quatloos would fetch a fortune on e-bay fur’ any Tekkite…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
#326
Polar Lights/Round 2 has a great new re-issue 7 of 9 snap together coming out in the fall with all new interchangeable naughty bits. They will feature accurate decals to give the “sporty” look or the”Hitler ’stache” look. Or leave ‘em off completely for that “freshly groomed’ style. If you go to one of the independent model customizing sites you can find 7 of 9 snap on Borg modification parts that feature “Borg Collective Vagina Dentata”. A real growler.
Put it on me wishy-list…
That and some new pants…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
313 Herc,
STFU.
Please note: Herc likes the following characters:
Deanna Troi
Neelix
Jar Jar Binks
Wesley Crusher
Do I need further cause for a perma-band?
===========================================
The new Naughty Bits Seven is out? FINALLY! Took ‘em long enough…..
Wow. What about the lifesize inflatable Seven doll? (Now with a Brazilian!)
Can you imagine how many they would sell if they made those?
STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE
Dax (J): “Benjamin, that weirdo, AJ is back.”
Sisko: “Don’t worry, old man.”
Dax: “Well, that’s a turn on, especially while I’m straddling your uncommonly large hoo-ha.”
Sisko: “If you like, I can put my hoo-ha where I used to put it when you really were an old man. Feels about the same…”
Dax: “Benjamin! What an as*shole!”
Sisko: “Exactly!”
Dax: “AJ, leave DS9 alone! Get out! GET OUT! You’re in big trouble, Benjamin!…”
FIN
336,
So THAT’S why we never have DS9 stories.
How about Ballz Deep Nine stories?
#336
Ensign Dirty Sanchez to the bridge. Commander Riker needs you to do a tune on his rusty trombone.
Well, it’s good to see that today, it’s all about Comic-Con here in CHAT…Whoopee!
We’ll be having the Trekmovie CHAT ‘Meet’n'Greet’ at the Kit-Kat Club on Broadway and 51st Street between 3 and 4AM on Saturday morning.
The van then will take us out to Parsippany at 6:30AM, where we will kidnap Kate Mulgrew at the Hilton, and then take her to a Secaucus HoJo’s to issue our demands (all participants get a free buffet breakfast and in-room HBO. Except Kate.).
Sorry. Creation Trek-Con.
Parsippany, less than 48 hours until I arrive on your hallowed shores…
Liz – I will not be in Vegas until Friday afternoon. I really am bummed that I cannot be there for the Wednesday night meet-and-greet.
Denise and Liz sitting in a tree, kissing N-I-M-O-Y…..oh, wait, that doesn’t work!
“Parsippany, less than 48 hours until I arrive on your hallowed shores…”
Tony: “Hey Guido! Why don’t you pick up Miss ‘Dee Arman’ in Newark and give her a nice tour of the Garden State!’ Hahaha!
Guido: “Heh! Alright, Tony! Is dis da kinda tour dat ends wit’ cement overshoes?”
Tony: “Ohh, no! I hear this broad is somethin’ special! Why don’t you guys just treat ‘er classy and all, and I’ll give ‘er the once over myself once I meet ‘er. Ya got Nimoy in the bag?”
Guido: “Right”
Luigi: “Check.”
Tony: “Well, just keep ‘im on ice ’til the broad gets here…”
Guido: “Right”
Luigi: “Check”
FIN
Editor’s note: I can not vouch for Luigi. He just showed up unannounced.
AJ#344- …hehe… I suppose I left myself wide open for that one…
“Denise and Liz sitting in a tree, kissing N-I-M-O-Y…..oh, wait, that doesn’t work!”
The hell you say…..Works for me just fine. Time share arrangement Ms. D?
“Our lovely Trek ladies are PHAT, not fat!”
Afraid some of us ARE just FAT. This has not been a good diet year for me. Stress=comfort food plus the steroids I’ve been taking are simply evil.
Are you starting to look like the Fesarius?
Do tribbles accuse you of eating too much?
Come on down to Transporter Tom’s!
Our patent-worthy process will beam away pounds and inches in just seconds. The secret is in our warp speed beam… plus, our star engineer.
Scotty: Ach, I wish m’ hands would quit shakin’. I’ll never touch BND brand gin agin. I hav’na any idea where I beamed the cap’m’s ass to. Ach, the haggas is in the fire for sure.
Well, I’m off to Muskoka to have fun at a cottage for the weekend! Talk to everyone sometime on Sunday night!!
So AJ, did Nimoy get kidnapped by one of the Mario Bros.?
Have fun at the cottage Harry. Apparently that is why you are going. I look forward to our personal conversation on Sunday.
350:
THX: I tried to mix some Jersey-style Sopranos stuff with “A Piece of the Action.”
Actually, kidnapping Nimoy was Denise’s idea. One she’s had since she was 12, apparently.
349:
Harry: Avoid anything that smells “musky” in Muskoka….
I figured as much, AJ. I kidz cuz I’m an ignorant ass.
Speaking of ass…..
Speaking of arse… here I am today…
Izzit wrong ta’ lust after Alice Krige? (tha’ Borg Queenie)
Izzit wrong ta’ watch tha’ film “Ghost Story” o’er and o’er ta’ see her young full frontal?
Izzit wrong ta’ treat women-folk like sexual objects and be alone at 36 years old? Them hookers ate me engagement rings and Shatnered them oot ta’ make a few pence.
Izzit wrong ta’ want a large, sturdy lass who can do a lot fur’ ye’?
Izzit wrong ta’ go ta’ OSU and put a drill-thrall collar on TOG ta’ make him shine yer’ kitchen floor? I’d give ‘im sweet, sweet candy.
Izzit wrong ta’ say yer’ Harry Ballz on yer’ profile on ‘Matchy.com’? and say “I have me own business. I have me own lucre. And, I be a sensitive, thoughtful, and jovial… and I am a Canadian. Let’s make some bacon.”
I just want tha’ moose anyways… And ta’ fight Leonardo Nimoy… As that bloke Chuck Pasjitin… Patch-u-in… Palin-nutsack- Chuckie Palahniuk wrote, “If you could fight anyone in history, who would you fight?”
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
BND, you make my da——
Uhhhh….. collar? Hmm……
I’d prefer if you didn’t. However, if there is candy involved, I will accept it and do as you wish. Anything you wish. Emphasis on “Anything.”
Looks like them lonely nights is over for you D.J. At least for this weekend.
By the by, what kind of sweet, sweet candy are we talking about? I ‘aint got no gigs til next Thursday. But I’m only in it for the yardwork and the sweet, sweet candy. Provided it’s the kind I like.
On a related front (to what I know not) Spo-Con is this weekend. If you can’t make it to Vegas and Parsippany is but a dream, you can find me in my own hometown crossing my arms and shaking my head at the filkers and bemoaning the lack of any good dealers and mass appealing genre. Good authors though.
STAR TREK ENTERPRISE
Trip’s quarters, 0335.
Trip: “Awright, sugarbuns. Why don’t you roll that sweet ass over, an’ give ol’ Trip here a taste of the good stuff.”
T’Pol: “You’ve been snoring all night, and now you wake me up for a proposed sexual encounter? I’m briefing the High Command in six hours on the Xindi situation. And you smell like a bar. Where were you last night, anyway?”
Trip: “The boys an’ I got off early, and, well, Travis has been brewin’ a mean moonshine, and we got a little crazy. But not so crazy that the sight ‘a yer sweet peaches doesn’t get me fired up for a little impromptu matin.’
T’Pol turns toward trip as the sheets drop from her chest, revealing large firm naked breasts with delectably long, firm nipples She gives Trip a sultry look: “Which ‘peaches’ were you thinking of? I have these…(T’Pol then rolls over, and sticks her naked butt straight into the air) or these….
Trip: “Umm, well, I always like my fruit….Wait…Are you actually comin’ on to me?”
T’Pol: “What does it look like?
Trip: “Yer not gonna suck secret codes from my brain and take over the ship, are ya?”
T’Pol: “Of course I am…I will suck you dry…”
Trip: “AJ, go to bed….”
FIN
August 1.
Dog days of summer.
I’ll be rendez-vous-ing with formidable Ms. De Arman in New Jersey today and tomorrow. I’ll have the laptop, assuming it doesn’t break again, and we’ll hopefully send some hijinks your way from the Creation Con.
By the way, Denise, and you’ll read this when we’re there, I am in no way going to discourage you from drinking too much, as you never asked me to. ;-)
GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!
I doubt that you care, but the original Futurama cast has signed back on to do their voices for the revival of the show. I am happy.
361:
Doesn’t Billy West do one of the voices? He was Stimpy in “Ren & Stimpy” in the early ’90s.
AJ, you EEE-dee-ott, Billy West if both Ren and Stimpy! (I kidz — I had to look that up. I mostly remember R&S because they kept missing production dates. And for “Happy Happy Joy Joy”)
Greetings from Parippany!
Denise has already met Barry Jenner (Admiral William Ross in DS9), and asked me “who IS that guy sitting next to Suzy Plakson?” despite the fact that there was a big sign over his head (I didn’t know either). She said “hello” to him, and no one seemed to be paying much attention to him.
Two Long Island Iced Teas later, and we’re writing this. Denise is watching “Aliens” as we unpack our assorted undergarments and sex-toy paraphernalia. Forget the Star Trek Convention. Oh, and Denise is also telling me what to write…PLEASE HELP.
Next, we’ll go down for more drinks, and we’ll see if we can get Connor Trinneer drunk like he gets in my stories. Denise will having dessert with Trinneer and John Billingsley tonight…Hopefully she can lure him to the room.
More when we’re drunker….
Have fun, AJ!
Don’t get too wasted. We need you to write stories!
Tell Denise I said “hi.”
I once met Nomad… does that count as me celebrity entanglement?
He sterilzed me so I dunna need tha’ rubbers no mores…
Explains me many diseases… like bronchitas fur’ examples…
Suzie Plakson! I wanna rub her red hair until me hand be forever burned in scarlet… Grrrrrrr-owllllll… was sloppy shamrock-bitten in love wit’ her attitude on Nexxy Gen and Void-Her-G and all tha’ characters she played…
Ask Connor if I can have me spanner back. Unless, o’ course, it touched his naughty bits…
Hi, TOG. Slow weekend. That’s why I’m puttin’ me computie in a blender… speed things up a bit…
Denise… remember, just cuz’ ye’ touch someone’s face and say “Remember” dunna mean ye’ can go blind drunk and wear tha’ plastic blinds and blooblie-ka all o’er tha’ place only ta’ forget then ta’ touch that person again and recall what happened… no, dunna need ta’ do that fur’ total recall- that’s why AJ has his camera… Right?
If ye’ see Nomad, please tell ‘im ta’ call.
By tha’ by, Harry’s place is quite nice. It’s cozy and lovely and quiet while he’s away. Those Canooks dunna install decent locks, I says, and his slippers fit like a glove. I promise not ta’ drink all tha’ Rommie Ale Harry has… well… no I don’ts… I’ll leave me Jolene doll as rent. Washed her, I dids, in yer’ jacuzzi…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
CONNOR TRINNEER: Why am I wearing these here sailor pants?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Hi folks from the sunny shores of Parsippany, NJ.. I am blind drunk and depending on AJ to be a gentleman and a Starfleet officer while we are here… oh, wait, he is not a Starfleet officer? And who says I am in trouble…
We just got through watching the costume contest and had much fun booing the Starfleet Jedi… will try to get some pics of Drunk Denise hanging all over AJ.
We’re getting the photos rolling…some cool ships, a Klingon and Janice Rand costumes to start. Oh, and drunk Denise hanging on AJ…
Sounds like fun. I can’t wait for them to be up on Facebook! ETA until they are?
AJ I hope you’re being an officer and a gentleman.
Well, one of those, anyway…
371:
I am not an officer, and gentlemen prefer blondes…
Connor Trineer….drool….cold shower….drool…..
>> BND reports from a convention he is not at:
BND: Hello thar’, good sir. I see today that yer’ sellin’ some Spidery-Man odor repellant.
VENDOR: Excuse me? Where the EDITED are your pants?
BND: OK, I be movin’ on then… lookee here, some pretty lasses promotin’ tha’ Novembre release o’ Starry Trek. Hi thar’, pretty lasses. Ye’ know, in Balzac’s novel ‘Lost Illusions’ one character muses that he could put pretty lasses in desks typin’ up stuff near his market. Tha’ idear wuz’ that pretty lasses always attract attention, even if just doin’ nothin’ much o’ interest…
PRETTY LASS #1: Sir, I’m calling security. You can’t come in here like that.
BND: OK, these folks sure have a hang-up aboot trousers… Hey, o’er here we see some gents selling Dark Knight mobile cars… lemmee see if I can make one crash all bad… do it have a Bale-out seat like James Bond did?
VENDOR: Over there! Get that pervert out of here!
BND: Hey… wait, noooo! I am Buttman- tha’ dark sight! Buy me D-VDs! Awwwwwwwwk! Hey izzat tha’ new AMT model o’ TJ Hooker?
ZACH QUINTO: Cool out tonight. Hey, they tossed me out. too.
BND: Egadz! At least I had on me Darth Vader underoos. Need a place ta’ crash, Zachie? Got me this empty place in Canada this weekend…
>>> Oh, well… me journalism career ne’er did take flight…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
And so it begins, that magical time of the year when I ramble obsessively about sharks and my love for them.
Shark Week 2009 begins……
Blood is in the water.
Sharks! Yes!!!!
Liz wants pictures! Now! Oh denissssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Sunday morning at the con – nothing happening here today until my photo with Leonardo at noon. It is 7:50 and raining outside – only a few souls wandering the halls of the hotel, all wondering why the heck we are up at this ungodly hour.
The day I get back from the con I promise I will post the pics on my facebook page.
If I don’t see Quinto wearing your brazziere on his head, D, I will consider your time there wasted.
But, have fun.
Well, Denise is now on line for her photo-op with Leonardo, and i will meet up with her after his talk at 1:15, as she is in th VIP section while I’m way back. She’s dolled up for her “date” for sure.
I have my photo with R. O’Reilly dressed as Gowron at 5:30. Yay!
Best Denise line so far:
As we quickly caught a listen to the Captain of Voyager:
“I wish Kate Mulgrew would shut up.”
Ahhh. alcohol…
HA!
As much as I like Voyager, that’s just plain funny!
I just got home and………….WHAT is that floating in my jacuzzi???
EEeeewwwwww!!!!!
BND!!!!!
Well, Denise and I just watched Gowron and Martok (Robert O’Reilly and JG Hertzler) do Klingon rap, and steal Suzie Plakson from the audience for an impromptu comedy routine.
Leonardo was “fantastic as usual” (Denise), and Denise was in the same room with him during a blackout. She had her chance…
Best line: some guy dressed as a “Starfleet Jedi” asked him “don’t you think Vulcans would make good Jedis?” His answer: “Why would a Vulcan want to be a Jedi?” Thunderous applause and laughter.
We have some photos of the Klingons.
Back later!
So, THX, how about that personal conversation you were talking about back on Friday?
Denise and I are looking at some pics, and, in one, the two Klingons have Suzie Plakson wrapped in what they called a “Klingon Sandwich.”
Gowron and I did in fact go to the same grade school (at different times), but we had some of the same teachers. Fun Trek geek-o moment.
We’ll we’re winding down now. Much fun was had by all!
Oooooh, I can hardly wait to hear the unabridged version!!
386:
“Klingon Sandwich”
With Frumunda Cheese. Klingon delicacy, you see…
And some Targ Mayo (you don’t want to know what’s in it)
All on Klingon Bread baked so hard by the B’Ohmarr Monks you can use it in combat.
Hence the term “Club” sandwich, I guess….
388 — The toothpicks alone are banned on all civilized planets.
387: Harry: What “unabridged version?”
Martok grabbed some guy’s sandwich up frront and took a bite, and said “This is dead!”
They did a tribute to Woodstock with Plakson and she said “Don’t take the brown acid.”
Nimoy likes coffee ice cream.
I agree with BND. Plakson is a fine 6′ 1 1/2″ specimen of a red-haired woman. She’s definitely on antidepressants. She kept talking about the “lithium wearing off.” That was not a reference to lithium cracking stations on Delta Vega.
Is that saucy enough for you, Harry? What are you fishing for?
“…brown acid..”?
I used to take brown acid for headaches.
Headaches didn’t go away but they were in full Dolby surround….
Yup. Plakson be foine a’ight.
I think we can all guess what Mr. HB is fishing for, AJ.
Hello all! Back from the con, and new pics are now on my facebook page if you want to take a look (I am angry at myself because I left my camera in the room while Leonardo was on stage and I did not get any pics of him).
Harry and Beach- What ARE you fishing for, my fine fellows? Bass? Trout?
I’ve been back and forth with Anthony today, and hopefully with what Denise and I have posted, he can hash together a good report from Parsippany with whatever else he has managed to get from Friday and Saturday.
He just told me that there will be a separate “Vegas Chat” thread this week, which will certainly help to keep everyone coordinated beyond the Wednesday ‘get-together.’
Denise, I know you don’t have a laptop, and Liz, if you do, you should bring it. Or check the PCs at the business center at the Hilton, but it’ll be a madhouse, for sure.
Harry, I have no idea what I was talking about in terms of a “personal” conversation. I must have been drunk when I posted that.
Nice pics, AJ and Denise. I want that Voyager ship! You two make a lovely couple.
394:
THX: He had a kick-ass USS Reliant as well.
How do you guys make such great ships? Do you carve them out of trees or something? I used to struggle with the AMT models as a kid because I was too impatient. I wanted to play with them as soon as they were built.
And I used DUCO cement instead of whatever AMT recommended.
As for Denise and me, I was a perfect gentleman to a fine Southern belle. Dream on, Harry!
Oh, heaven forbid that people assume I’m suggesting anything might happen at a Star Trek convention! I’m sure Denise and AJ were a PERFECT lady and gentleman!
Hey, wait a minute! I just went to Denise’s Facebook page and saw the photos! Rabbits!!??
Ladies and gentlemen, her posting pictures of rabbits says it all! That’s her way of hinting that the two of them behaved like RABBITS while at the Con!!
And, as we all know, rabbits are known for _________!!
397:
Pooping?
Oh, this is going to be quite a list before we’re finished, I can just tell…
Denise and I did a bit on TM for the NJ Con, and we’re about half-way through the newly posted article (Nimoy and Klingons, mostly). Denise took the great Klingon photos.
399: Harry..Puhh..leeze.
Harry,
That is Denise’s rabbit from home. It happened to be on the same bit of memory, so she uploaded it.
“Hi sweetie! The bunny was on my camera memory card – his name is Smokey and he is my bunny. I uploaded him because he is my wittle sweetie. I am so angry with myself because I left my camera in the hotel room when Leonardo was on stage and, henceforth, did not get a picture of him. Anthony from Trekmovie might use one or two of the photos for an article about the con – AJ wrote an article for Anthony and hopefully Anthony will use it on the site.”
So she wrote on my Facebook.
Glad to have you two back! Now where the devil are Nista and Katie G?
Just kiddin’ about rabbit habits, folks! Glad Denise and AJ were able to meet up and pal around with each other at the Con!
One of these days it would be a hoot and a half for our whole group to get together!! Now THAT would be a party!!
Smokey is my sweet wittle bunny boy who gets kisses on his ears fwom his bunny mommy…
And Harry, why do you not come hang out at a con?! AJ and I had a blast!
Denise, it simply comes down to a question of schedule and circumstances. One of these fine days we will meet up at some con and, hey, the LIIT’s are on me!
#404
And money. I spent a fortune on my families vacation this year. I find it tough to reconcile spending more money on myself to travel to Vegas after going last year.
AJ–some of the ships are built with cast resin and lighting systems that can be purchased online. Or you take one of the styrene models kits like we all used to get and do a lot of “correcting” on the inaccuracies. A great excercise in anal retentiveness but loads of fun when you get a cool finished ship.
Nice photos you two. And great big congrats on the article!
Happy Shark Week, Shark.
The con thread mentions that Robin Curtis is now a realtor in New York state. It was easy to look up the fact that she’s with Zellar Homes. If you go to their website which is simply that company’s name with .com on the end you get their webpage and at the bottom just click on her name and her photo and bio pop up.
I’ve been in real estate for 30 years and it’s always interesting to see someone from the performing arts make the transition over to our industry!
I’ll have to look for her at the next real estate convention I attend!
392:
I’m not fishing for a thing, Sweetie. AJ was the perfect gentlemen, and you the perfect lady, I have no doubt.
That being said, on the other hand, Harry? You woulda hadda beat him off widda stick!
FADE IN
INT – HOTEL LOBBY – MORNING
AJ and DENISE meet up the morning after the NJ Con. Denise is bright as a penny, despite the prolifery of LIIT’s consumed. AJ looks like a truck hit him.
DENISE – (annoyingly bright) Wake up sleepy head! Let’s get some breakfast!
AJ (inarticulate grumbling amidst rude getures)
DENISE (laughs LOUDLY on purpose)- Come on, Grumpy. Rise and shine. (begins to tickle him)
AJ – (Holds head in obvious agony) Alright alright alright alright alright ! Stop it! (makes a face, hawwwwkks and clears his throat) Ugh.
DENISE – What’s with that?
AJ – My mouth feels like I got tea-bagged by a rabid Mugatu.
DENISE – Oh, that.
AJ – Yeah, that. (ahems and keeps trying to clear his throat).
DENISE – It was a Horta from Passaic. I think his name was Alex.
FADE OUT
Ugh. “…amidst rude getures)…”
That’s G-E-S-T-U-R-E-S.
Jeez. Goddamn Typonians.
So, who here is going to the Vegas Con that can report back to us?? :<)
I thought the horta was a giant hairy Parsippany pizza (no-one outside of NYC knows how to make a pizza), but it ended up being just a pair of hairy balls.
Hairy balls? Oh, No!
Harry:
Denise and Liz are going.
HARE TREK
Created by Gene Roddenberries
The Starship Hossenfeffer hops through the galaxy at warp speed. Cut to interior of the bridge. The lovely, and furry Ensign deArman sits in the big chair wearing a full-on bunny outfit, complete with fluffy tail. (Hey, you want homoerotica, write your own.)
Capt. James T. Jackrabbit: Ensign, you’re in my seat.
Ensign de Arman: I don’t see your name on it, scrunchy nose.
Capt. James T. Jackrabbit: Denise, I told you never to call me that on the bridge!
BND Bunny: (exiting the turbolift) Wellsirs, I just comee back ta here from the poop deck. You wouldn’t believe the free raisin buffet. It’s a feast. awwwwk.
Lt. Fiver: That’s gross. But, I guess it’s good we have your services, BND, since there are no toilets in TOS.
Cmdr. AJ Bigwig: And no actual sex. Lots of boot-pulling-on, but no actual giggity-giggity.
Ensign de Arman: Speak for yourself. I had quite a lot of fun after you left the bar on Risa.
Harry Ballz, but with an s, because it’s all rabbits, get it?: I knew it! I knew it!
Capt. James T. Jackrabbit: That reminds me. Who’s in charge of keeping a headcount?
Lt. Strawberry: Oh, my! That would be me.
Harry Ballz, etc. etc.: He got the job because he’s the only one who doesn’t make
Lt. Strawberry: At least I have Yeoman Dandelion. I don’t see you snuggling up with anyone. Guess you just play with your Thumper.
Capt. James T. Jackrabbit: Ahem!
Lt. Strawberry: Yes, well… (checking his chronometer) There are currently 421 crewmembers on the Hossenf– Uh, 456… No, make that 527… 644– um, time to make planetfall.
Ensign de Arman: Set course for Warren 111.
Capt. James T. Jackrabbit: That’s my line.
Ensign de Arman: Make me give it back…
And it goes on like this as, once again, the crew of one of my sagas goes in search of a plot. Tune in next time, when we hear James T. Jackrabbit say: “What’s up, Doc?”
Lops McCoy: The human’s dead, Jim. Ensign de Arman’s pregnant.
Ensign de Arman: Oopsies.
(only one who doesn’t make babies)
I like the idea of Denise dressed as a fluffy bunny. Next con, Denise, OK?
Vegas Chat is live
http://trekmovie.com/vegas-chat/
CmdrR- ROTFLMAO! All it was missing was a line from Watership Down… very creative, my darling.
AJ- I miss you! We had so much fun those two days I will have to get drunk today in your honor…
Anthony- Thank you for the Vegas thread. Liz and I will definitely use it this weekend.
417:
Get that booze tolerance up, Denise, or you may end up in a Klingon Sandwich yourself this weekend. Make sure Liz takes photos.
401: Nista can still be found on Facebook and in fact I chitchatted with Katie just yesterday. Wish they’d pop in for a visit now and again.
#411
I beg to differ. A Marguerita pizza that would make any Napolonian (Naplesite? Neopolitan?) cry “Mama Mia!” can be found in my home town at a place called Bennidito’s. And I have had the New York pizzas.
#413
Hare Trek. Huh. Who would’ve guessed?
THX#420- Can you see all the Trek ladies in bunny costumes… oh yes…
I like petting bunnies!
#421
Yes, but if all the Trek ladies are dressed as bunnies, how to choose between you?
You see, as a rule, I hate to split hares, but……..
Harry#423- Oh, that was so bad it was good…
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters, 0300
Kirk: Spock, what the hell are you wearing?
Spock: “This is my bunny suit, Captain.”
Kirk: “What?”
Spock: “My bunny suit. You told me last night that if I wore a bunny suit, you would ‘rape my ass in a second.’ It has long, pointed ears…”
Kirk: “Does it have a butt-flap?”
Spock: “Have a look, Jim.” (turns around)
Kirk attacks.
FIN
OK, that wasn’t funny, but I was in the spirit of the moment.
#421 Denise
You mean right now? Well, if I squint my eyes and look real hard, maybe. Or if I just train my telescope in the right direction and you could just leave your shades open a bit……
#423 Harry
Split hares…..*audible groan*
Nothing better than a funny bunny joke!
Q: what do you call a bunch of bunnies running backwards?
A: a receding hare line!
The downfall to eating bunnies are the hares that get caught in your teeth.
AJ#425- Erotic!
Harry#428- Cute!
THX#429- Gross!
#430 Denise
Is it still gross if I explain that it has nothing to do with the actual ingesting of rabbits and is really a suggestive play on words?
429:
Then let’s change the topic to kitties.
And expound.
433:
That’s why we floss.
I guess 433 was censored, LOL. Bad luck, THX!
Wow. It takes a lot to get censored on this site. But then again, I never have been one of AP’s favorites.
A little surprising considering some of the fiction that passes the screening process. Perhaps if I wrote it in a less concise way and built a story around it the censor would get confused by all the words and stop reading, thereby letting it pass.
(spitting sound)
“Boy, can she drive!”
I wish I was a cunning linguist like the rest of you. I don’t want to get into any more hairy situations. This place really is the cat’s meow.
I would assume that all bunnies from Brazil are hairless?
“yeah, give mr. whiskers the Telly Savalas and be quick about it!”
There once was a bunny with no hair
He felt that life hadn’t treated him fair
He was bald as an eagle
Couldn’t get laid by a beagle
He was one sad little hairless hare!
STAR TREK: FICTION THAT PASSES THE SCREENING PROCESS
Kirk: “Spock, you have a beautiful schlong.”
Spock: “How can you tell, Captain? It’s so far up Ms. Uhura’s poop-chute at the moment, I’m surprised you can even see it.”
Uhura: “Shut up, sugar, and let’s make some jam!”
Ambassador Fox: “Captain, this is highly irregular! I am the Federation Ambassador on this mission, and my authority supersedes yours!”
Kirk: “Go shit in a hat.”
FIN
Let’s see if THAT sticks.
AJ#440- My dear, darling AJ, you have a singular wit… and it stuck…
Of course it stuck. You throw enough at the wall and some is bound to.
I think the vignettes are judged solely on story quality.
That one obviously passed the rigorous TM editorial team’s standards for ‘Star Trek’ fan fiction:
It has drama, multi-racial/sexual situations, reference to a classic TOS ‘C’-grade character, and the word “shit,” which is not blocked automatically when used creatively and dramatically.
Plus, you didn’t say pussy. I think that was the deal breaker.
Oops.
STAR TREK
The Bridge
Kirk: “Spock?”
Spock: “Captain?”
Kirk: “Pussy.”
FIN
Maybe it was hair balls? Just looking for an answer.
You guys! We’ll never get Katie to come back and visit if you keep this up!
Spockanella#447- …hehe… Katie,come back!!!
I vote we all Facebook Bomb Katie and Nista to get them to come back.
You bet, Shark! And I’m off……
Kirk: “Sulu, avoid that nebula….the Klingons are in there!”
Spock: “pussy!”
Hello THX 1138 hey guy sorry i have not been aroundd Ive been a place called Galifrey Base..
All o’ me comments arrrrr bein’ deleted…
Screw this then.
Fare thee well, me lovely hearties…
I shall trek ta’ tha’ starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Welcome back, Garovorkin!
BND:
Stick around. Seems like a bizarre day for censorship at TM.
Pussy.
You see?
Arrrrrrrr!
Hmmmmmmmmmm…
I have to say, though, we SHOULD cut back just a tad on the…. off-color humor. I know I’ve said it before, but if we’ve lost people because of it, that says something.
After all, the rules DO say “family friendly.” AP has been more-than-generous with his leniency, and I think we’ve taken advantage of that just a TAD. I don’t think it would kill us to cut back on the risque stories a bit.
Help!! This shark is killing me!!!!
No no, I don’t kill, just maul, dismember, and disembowel, making life miserable, but still livable. You may end up like the original Captain Pike, but you’d still be “technically” alive.
All I’m saying is that we should cut back just a little.
Keep the marionettes, though….. I want them alive….
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
Harry#460- Beep, beep, beep? Say what?
Wait….
One beep is yes, and two is no, then what the frak is three?! I can’t figure out the next step! I only have BInary logic! Not TRInary!
[TOG/S Dies on the spot]
Well if we are going “clean” what would you like to talk about?
I say………
Whiskey!
#462
BWAHAHAHA!
My Kirk/Pike TOS logic worked! Filth wins!!
Or Wesley!
Wait…. me endorsing Wesley? What has happened to me?!
I believe I’ve lost me marbles….
Arrrrrrrrrrr….
Teacher: “tell me, billy, why did you stop giving me raisins every day?”
Billy: “my rabbit died!”
Greetings to you fine folks!
The two ballz hanging together as usual!
We’re going “clean” again?
(smirk)
470,
We haven’t been “clean” since……. when did this site come online?
The doctor says we can’t ever touch another human being as long as we’re in quarantine. We should only be in here another few years.
STAR TREK
The Briefing Room
Kirk: “Mr. Chekhov, you…asked for this face-to-face meeting…Let’s have it, Ensign.”
Chekhov: “Ser. Eet’s Sulu! He ess-raped me!”
Kirk: “He what?”
Chekhov: “He ess-raped me! Two days ago!”
Kirk: “He ‘ess-raped’ you? What the hell does that mean?”
Chekhov: “Oh, ser! He poot his pehnis inside ma ess! Vi khed drinks, and I vas too drunk to resist!”
Kirk: “So, Mr. Chekhov, what you’re saying is you were date-raped by Mr. Sulu?”
Chekhov: “Yes, ser…yes!”
Kirk: “Join the club.”
FIN
That One Shark: “In a horrid reversal of fortune for the CHAT thread, AJ now brings Sulu into his steamy and smelly mix of revolting sex fiction.”
Harry Ballz: “Filth Wins!”
The Wall Street Journal: “AJ once again shows his colors, sidelining the Clinton recidivists and the already outdated beltway “nouvelle cuisine” in favor of solidly filthy Asian-on-Russian satire.”
Hustler: “I Grok Spock”
Meh, can’t say I didn’t try. Sorry, KG.
I’ll get the chocolate syrup!
And God said to Moses, “come forth!”, but he came filth and lost the race!
Congrats to Bill Clinton for rushing in to save two Asian hotties in trouble! I noticed their plane landed 45 minutes late. I’m just sayin’….
I like kitty cats. And rainbows. I think you all are just gosh darned neato!
I like the idea of the Chat ladies all dressed up in bunny outfits. And AJ’s vignettes. And I think you all are just gosh darned neato too.
475:
Great move to get those ladies out of North Korea.
#475
What a nifty guy that Bill Clinton is for getting those ladies out of North Korea and back to their families. I’ll bet he is a real friendly guy. And they got to spend some time on the plane thanking him. How super!
What’s all this now about Billy? I haven’t heard anything much from him since…… OOOOOHHHH. Gotcha.
Can we add him to the marionettes?
Gosh whiz, it’s so neat that Bill Clinton was able to help those damsels in distress! Why, they should write a children’s book about his adventure! They could call it:
No Stained Dresses This Time!
or
With Two You Get A Roll!
(Tootsie Roll That Is!!)
477: I’m only wearing a bunny outfit if it comes with a corset and fishnets, I’m just sayin’. Unfortunately, the whole look will be ruined by the athletic shoes I am forced to wear as a concession to my Achilles tendon injury. But 6 weeks from now—watch out! I’ll wear my OTHER athletic shoes! BND Brand sneakers, made from rotten sailcloth and tainted vodka, plus odd bits of Bjorg (yay).
480: You add Slick Willie to the marionettes and I’ll be fighting you for him.
I had a ’slick Willie” Enterprise tie-in which was censored. Bummer.
There was a man known as Slick Willie
Around women he would act plain silly
He’d get stains on a dress
It really made quite the mess
He had all the couth of any hillbilly!
Is this the Mirror Chat room? Things aren’t quite right…
Hi. Will pop by later. Gotta get to bed. Just wanted to say hello.
ktg
486:
iH, eitaK G, siht si eht rorriM tahC mooR.
Good to gave you back!
Gave you back?
Freud on line one!
?ereh no gniog si lleh eht tahW
?mooR tahC eht htiw gnorw gnihtemos ereht sI
?eetaog a evah esineD seod yhW
.mrots noi taht htiw od ot gnihtemos evah tsuM
what is Netseer? and why does it seem to occassionally take over and sorta re-direct me to a screen that only says Netseer? happens on multiple computers and only with trekmovie.com
any thoughts? anyone else experience this?
‘Beach… that’s not a goatee… but, I like it.
490: Garen
I cut-and-pasted your post into a post on the Feedback thread for Anthony’s attention. Hopefully he’ll look into it.
491: If it ain’t a goatee, do I dare ask what you think it is?
Evil Inebriated Spock: Hey, Denise! Looks like we both have goatees. hehehe.
Denise: Whuh? (looks down) Oh, did BND take my pants again?
Evil Inebriated Spock: (stumming his Vulcan harp-thingie)
“Love in an elevator
Livin it up whn Im goin down
Love in an elevator
Lovin it up till I hit the gro–
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
h
h
h
h
ground.”
Denise: You OK, E.I.S.?
Evil Inebriated Spock: I think so. My glutimous maximus seems to have impacted with the floor. Fortunately, this bottle of BND gin broke my fall. Do you have some tweezers perchance?
493:
Nah, BND only loses his own pants!
495:
Brother, if E.I.S. fell on his a$$ on a bottle of BND, it (his a$$) would simply dissolve and fall off. No tweezers required!
What no comment on my cold-blooded disregard for Steven Tyler’s well-being?
498:
No. No comment. His well-being ran out about 20 years ago.
#498
Because he didn’t fall far enough. He has to drop at least 4 comments to do any real damge.
I’m with garen. I have had the same trouble with that Netseer thing on three different computers. I am not familiar with it but the name sort of reminds me of a tracking program that might be following keystrokes. I can’t say that I dig that too much.
I’ve seen Netseer, too.
Have to back click several times before the cursed thing gives up.
500:
What’s shakin’, CS?
Tyler won’t even reach terinal velocity for oh, six or seven comments, at least. Then, look out:
S P L A T ! ! !
…sidewalk salsa…
Just saw that goddamned Netseer thing AGAIN.
“…terinal velocity…”
t-e-r-M-i-n-a-l.
Typonians must die!
I don’t have the Netseer problem. It’s some kind of intuitive ad program that bases ads on search and keystrokes. Run your spy/adware programs, and see if they work.
Just got a new computer with brand new (bestest ever according to Best Buy) anti-virus stuff. Personally, I’m waiting for hunter-killer programs that go to the virus writers house and b*tch slap ‘em silly.
I’m not getting the Netseer thing either! Maybe I stroke my keys a little different!
Heh, heh, heh…..
Harry:
Your keyboard must be pretty gross…
Do you happen to be left-handed, Harry?
Darn! I was going to be all nice and stuff. I swear it’s this place. It does things to you.
#505
I have Trend Pro anti-virus and anti spyware. It cost enough to put on my computers; you would think that would take care of it.
#509
I AM left-handed, but on the other hand…..
509:
THX
Yes, that rectangular beige box…something about it…I must write smut.
STAR TREK
The Bridge.
Kirk: “Yeoman Rand?”
Rand: “Yes, Captain.”
Kirk: “Disrobe.”
Rand: “Of course, sir”
Rand disrobes completely
Kirk: “Now wiggle.”
Rand starts wiggling.
Scotty: “I like this ship! It’s exciting!”
FIN
Hackers shut down Twitter. My God, you mean 14 year olds all over the world had to actually make eye contact with another human being?
For the first time in my life I salute the hackers.
512:
I bet those 14 year olds barely noticed. They probably just alt-tabbed over to Facebook or Myspace and kept typing….
FB has been getting crashed today too. I think it was some sort of organized effort to F with stuff.
What about 44-year olds?
My Facebook has sucked for a week.
That must have hurt.
#518
Not as much as you would think. The pluses outweigh the minuses.
Can’t we all just get along????
#520
Wha? Huh?? I thought we were getting along. Or is this one of those “jokes’ that I sometimes don’t get. Because of the drinking.
520/1:
We are getting along, no?
Facebook wouldn’t even look at me…
Twitter THIS, baby!
Okay, fun story time:
I was at the state fair today, and I found that they had full-size (27×40) Star Trek posters. $35 later, I get this:
http://www.movieposter.com/poster/MPW-41579/Star_Trek.html
========================================================
So we now have an Evil Inebriated Spock, eh?
I like this chat room! It’s exciting!
524:
I have to think of some good drunk Spock stories…
AJ,
I challenge you to use the following elements when you do:
The Weather Channel
Dairy Queen
3 tons of bacon
Kirk on LSD
Google
A British Clergyman
STAR TREK
The Las Vegas Hilton. Room 550.
Spock: “Jim you’ve been staring at the that video device for hours. It looks like terrestrial weather patterns.”
Kirk: “It’s the Weather Channel, Spock. Look at the colors!” That low pressure system is just dripping out of the screen! It told me to say ‘hi.’ ”
Spock: “Fascinating. I must go out for supplies. Please Google “Dairy Queen” and “7-11″ as they are both crucial to our mission here.”
Kirk: “My nipples have become Progressive Car insurance policies! Spock, go find Flo…I NEED to penetrate her…she’s a safe driver! Mirimanee!”
Spock: “Fine, Captain. You are obviously in no condition to contribute to our mission. I’m leaving.”
SIX HOURS LATER
Spock returns with a new friend.
Vicar Brown: “Well it was a foyn, foyn coincidence meetin’ you at da Dairy Queen, Father Spock. I have a fondness for bangs, you know. And the C of E is quoyt non-commital when it comes to de man on man stuff, ya knoo. Yi kin sairtanly drink like a bloody fish. Never seen a man down 27 lagers before.’
Spock: “There is a first time for everything, Vicar. Now please disrobe or I will tear you apart.”
Vicar Brown: “Let’s see yer willie first, mate. And make sure we won’t wake yer mate. He seems to be in the shit.”
Spock: “The Captain will be fine lying in his own feces until I decide to clean him up. Now, I hope you like bacon, because I have three tons of it right here. THWAP.
Vicar Brown: “Blimey!”
FIN
A drunken Spock staggers into a bar one night. He waves the bartender over and asks, “how many drinks will you give me if I can fart the soundtrack to The Search For Spock?”
The bartender responds, “if you can fart that, I’ll give you drinks for the night!”
Spock nods and walks out to the middle of the room. He drops his pants, squats, and takes a huge dump in the middle of the dance floor.
The bartender screams, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’??”
Spock replies, “excuse me, I’m just clearing my throat!”
FIN
528:
Nicely done, Harry!
It’s no wonder the girls stay away.
No shit!
Oh, wait….
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters, 0345
Kirk: “Do it again, Spock. Give it to me.”
Spock: “As you wish, Jim.”
Spock hands Jim a data disc.
Kirk: “You gave me that disc already, Spock”
Spock: “Did you not request that I give it to you again?”
Kirk: “Shut up and open your mouth, Spock, and say “ahhhhhhhhh” ”
Spock: “Shut up and open my mouth? Simultaneously?”
Kirk: (smiles sardonically) “Trust me.”
Spock: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….”
Kirk: “Don’t make a move…Here I come…”
The Bridge:
Lt. DeSoto: “What do you suppose the Captain and Spock do in their off-hours?”
Mr. Leslie: “Oh, I don’t know…They’re probably blowing one another.”
Laughter on the Bridge
FIN
Spock is on Earth for a rare visit and decides to celebrate in a major city. After a long night of drinks, Spock is piss blind drunk as he leaves the bar. Walking down the street he encounters a nun. As she approaches, Spock reaches out and throws her to the ground. He starts to pummel her with vicious stabs to the body and head. As he beats her half to death he leans in and whispers hoarsly in her ear, “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”
Make that HOARSELY…………………..damn typonians!
533:
W…T…F?
533,
The FRAK??????
I’ve found myself using the word “frak” a TON lately. It’s such a fun word…..
Frak frak frak! Frakkety frak frak frak!
It’s nearly-unoffensive to everyone! Except to those in the BSG universe…..
Best invention ever:
Chocolate-covered bacon on a stick. Premiering at the Wisconsin State Fair. Even Klingons are gonna like this!
Happy Friday, all!
#535 “W…T…F”
WOW! TOO FUNNY!!
Right?
Harry….AJ…The other “‘gentlemen” Whats been up? Sorry Harry..What been going on? I have been on Rura Penthe.
540:
In that case, should we call you Frozen Ballz?
537:
Careful, Cub. Remeber what happened last time you frakked without a net.
Or a license…
“…Remeber…”
r – e – m – e – M- b – e – r
FRAKKING Typonians…
Oh, frak.
The Typonians are attacking corrections now….Is nothing sacred?
I love chocolate-covered bacon on a stick and prune juice.
Q’Plah!
Oh hey, Worf has joined us!
I love fairs. They have EVERYTHING! And it’s all fried!
540:
Hope you didn’t have to bend down for the soap…
Krikzil:
If you are checking the forums, Denise will be looking for you when she gets to Vegas today. Expects to see you at the Hilton or the party tonight.
Uhoh, the phrase “I like this ______, its exciting!” is back. I thought that we had gotten over that?
537: And yes, you have gotten addicted to the word “frak”, but atleast it is better than the alternative.
What, nobody liked my Spock jokes??
551:
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Spock”
“Spock who?”
“Spock, the first officer. Jim, you know my voice.”
“Yes, it was a little joke.”
“Very little, sir.”
“That’s what they say about your—”
“Do not go there, Jim.”
Spock with a small kawk?
I refuse to believe it!
Naked Spock is usually introduced with a “Thwap” sound.
STAR TREK
Kirk: “Just where do you think you’re going with that thing, mister?”
Spock: “I ‘think’ I am going to stand back here, behind you, to…”
Kirk: “Tear me a new one, Spock? Go ahead, big boy!”
Spock: “Is there something wrong with the one you have?”
FIN
I may have a good friend, long-time Trekker in NYC show up here. He’s looking at the site for the 1st time now. Not sure what his name will be.
My favorite review snippets for “GI JOE:”
“There is an inertia born of ceaseless, stupefying animation.” FT
“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” Daily Express
Ah, the Brits.
Beach
Lol! You aare rrright on pppppoint! (Thats not a studder)
AJ
I was trying to get a hold on that Shape Shifter of Tyra Banks. The creature asked me “Are you a shape shifter?” I said “No, But i have one below the waist” It can go from 9″ to 12″ in seconds, watch!” Then the usual happened WHAM!! However, I made her pick up the soap and…….wash the dishes.
Swollen
glad to hear you’re willing to stand behind your women!
What are we all doing this weekend? The fine Miss Denise and Liz are representing us in Vegas, so we should be quite afraid for our lives. Denise is determined to find Anthony, so if we’re all shut down, we’ll know why.
Denise and Anthony in Vegas at the same time will likely result in a Black Hole!!
(and nobody even think about jumping on that line!)
Having met Denise, whatever she requests of Anthony, he will most likely grant. However, Leonardo still turns her into a puddle of chatty mush. Vegas is a do-over of the NJ photo-op. My advice to her for Vegas was “shut up” until you see a flash.
She’ll now come back and kill me.
AJ,
Somehow, I have the feeling that the entire TM crew (both writers and readers) who are in Vegas will probably not be sober for the next week because of our dear Denise. I wish them all the best of luck…. and the best hangover cure possible for the end of the week.
lid creaks open as bats stir squeakily….
Happy Saturday everyone!
I miss Denise. Geez, I go to all the trouble of de-pantsing her and she doesn’t even rip me a new one.
563:
I hope Miss Denise is having a great time in Vegas. She’s computerless, so if I hear something, I’ll post. She may try herself from a business center.
565: CmdrR: That’s ‘tear” me a new one. I suppose ‘rip’ works, too. Semantics.
I was definitely at the trekmovie meetup drunk saying “Where is Harry Ballz?”
This is a picture from the meetup, Rod Roddenberry bought this round – http://yfrog.com/7gfi1xj
This is a picture of me Cheesing next to an Orion Slave girl – http://yfrog.com/5ic5eaj
Wish I could have seen more of you guys there.
Blake, sorry I couldn’t be there for you!
As Superman always says, “damnit!!! I’m only one man!!”
For an Orion slave girl, I’d rip or tear myself in two. Then I could get her comin’ and goin’.
(ps — why is her face white? what else is different colored??)
Kirk: I thought you were supposed to be a slave girl!? My laundry is piled high, there’s canal mud on my boots, and the targ is half-starved.
White-Tailed Orion Slave Girl: I am a slave. A slave to fashion. By the way, your Federation Credits card is maxed out again. You better start killing a few more Klingons each month.
Kirk: Khaaaaaaaaaan!
Khan: What? I’m right here.
Kirk: Oh. Just wanted to know if you want to hit the strip club for a few cold ones… and a few hot ones.
Khan: They have those cat women?
Kirk: Sure do.
Khan: Hmmm. You task me. Let’s go.
White-Tailed Orion Slave Girl: Men!
CmdrR
“You task me”
Good one!
You couldn’t tell that her face was white unless you took a picture. There was definitely some paint there I would chock it up to Flash Photography effects.
Blake
tell us about yourself. Where do you hail from?
Denise just contacted me. Still no sight of Liz in Vegas. She managed to catch George Takei on stage today and is presently avoiding Brannon Braga and Manny Coto. She caught the Trekmovie showing of STAR TREK ‘09 last night and mingled a bit at the bar. Busy all-day bar scene in the Hilton, apparently, and it all sounds like great fun.
I notice that, when it comes to Denise, the operative word is “BAR”!!
(runs and hides)
Denise can apparently pub crawl beyond the point when the rest of us can’t even crawl. My kinda woman!
Captain Morgan: (laying in a crumpled heap) Please, no more…
Denise’s Liver: And stay down, you woos!
Oh, to be in Las Vegas right now with exclusivity on the Long Island Ice Tea rights!!
STAR TREK ENTERPRISE
The Bridge
Captain Archer and T’Pol are alone.
T’Pol: “Everyone went to Vegas, Jonathan. Except us.”
Archer: “Thank you, T’Pol. Can I have an update on the upgrades to the Jefferies Tubes?”
T’Pol: “Wouldn’t you rather see my nipples, Captain? Have you ever tasted the hardness of a Vulcan female nipple? ” T’Pol rips the top half of her uni down, revealing hungry red hard bullets topping supple perfect breasts.
Archer: “T’Pol, your customs are fascinating, but we need to recalibrate the sensor tubeway couplings.”
T’Pol peels her uniform off like cheap giftwrap and sits spreadeagled on the Captain’s chair. She begins fondling herself.
“C’mon, Jonathan…I’m here…please…I need you….Oh God! I need you so much!..”
Archer: “Would you like to look at pictures of my mom, T’Pol? She’s neat! And we have some free time together! Computer? Yoo-Hoo please, ice cold. You want to see?”
T’Pol: “I want a double martini, I want to be f*cked, and then smoke half a pack of Marlboros while you massage my ass.”
Archer: “No chance. You’re gross.”
T’Pol: I figured you’d say that.”
THE END (Finally)
Nice job, AJ!
I could read your smut all day!
STAR TREK
Kirk’s quarters, 0100.
Kirk: “Well that was a tough day. We may have averted a genocidal war.”
Spock: “Jim, your idea to take a crap into the Andorians’ warpcore reactor was brilliant. You may well win a Nobel or Zee-Magnees prize.”
Kirk: “Thank you, Spock. Now, my friend, you made me a promise when I took that crap. I expect you to make good on it…I am naked as a jaybird, and lying on my back. Let me have it.”
Spock: Looks at the members of CHAT. “Hello everyone. Hello, Denise. Just ignore it. Just ignore it…”
580:
And Harry, I take your praise seriously! Thanks!
Poor T’Pol may never actually get what she’s looking for in my fiction, but winding her up is all the fun.
AJ
the Trek gals are away right now……how ’bout more T’Pol action? Guy on girl stuff makes for a nice change!
Wait wait wait wait wait……
Harry, are you saying that a man AND a woman can have a physical relationship? This is certainly a new concept. Research is required!
Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all down!!!!
The lime in the coconut?
I say Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take?
I say Dooooctor, to relieve this belly ache?
STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
T’Pol’s quarters. She and Trip are in bed together.
T’Pol: “Trip, wake up. Wake up!”
Trip barely stirs: “Aww, c’mon, sugarplum…I gotta get up early tomorrow, and I’m still drunk from last night. What’s wrong?”
T’Pol: “I need you to get an erection. Now.”
Trip: “Aww, sweetie! I’m in no shape right now…Can’t you do it yourself tonight?”
T’Pol: “I must have intercourse.” She rises from the bed, and kneels over Trip’s bare torso. Her breasts are large and supple. She begins massaging them. “Does my body not please you?”
Trip: “You know it does, sweetums, but I’m just too out of it.” Trip takes out his hand and puts it between T’Pol’s legs, which straddle him on the bed. “Holy Cow, you’re riper than a Georgia peach! Maybe you can do down on me…you know I like it.”
T’Pol slinks to the foot of the bed, and removes the bedclothes, revealing Trip’s limp appendage. She leans over and goes to work, and after a few minutes notices Trip has fallen back to sleep. “This is inexcusable! Why do you drink so much?! You will have intercourse with me immediately!”
Trip (stirring again) “Sorry, hon..I think it’s time for Plan B.”
T’Pol: “I should have done this immediately.” She leans in closer to Trip, and places the fingers of her right hand on his temple. “Your mind to my mind…”
SCHWING
Trip: “Be gentle, sugarplum.”
T’Pol goes to town.
FIN
Liz:
Denise will be at the 7pm party tonight (last party at the old bar, apparently in front of the old ‘Experience’ space) in a blue tanktop and black pants, and still hopes to meet up. Call her room!
#588
I thought Plan B was hopefully going to be “Lt. Ballz report to T’Pol’s quarters, stat!”
590:
Harry:
You can envision your conclusion in your own mind probably much better than I can write it.
They all end up the same way, anyway. What’re you gonna do? Take her out for breakfast in the morning?
Could you imagine dating T’Pol? You’re destined for absolute failure. It makes you just want it more.
And with Trip there snoring all night, it’s just too weird, anyway.
I’d roll around with T’Pol until the morning and then, as I exit out the door to her quarters, I’d shout out like the finish to a Looney Tune cartoon, “m’neh, m’neh….that’s T’Pol, folks!!”
STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
The officers’ mess
Archer sits down at a corner table, joined by Malcolm. They speak quietly to one another.
Travis, Trip and Hoshi sit at a neighboring table and make small talk. T’Pol joins them after a few minutes.
Travis: “I’m gonna throw this out there,” says Travis in a low voice, “but how many here think the Captain is gay?”
Various uneasy glances are exchanged around the table, and pieces of breakfast foods are rapidly and nervously ingested and chased down by juice or water. Hoshi chokes on her Rice Krispies.
T’Pol glances furtively at Archer and Reed, and comments, “Is it an issue? Your society overcame that prejudice in the 21st century.”
Travis: “No, T’Pol. It’s not,” he whispers, “It’s just, he comes across on the Bridge as, well, so macho, and I never see him with any chicks, you know? I think he’s gay!”
Trip laughs milk through his nose suddenly.
T’Pol: “That was uncalled for, Trip!”
Trip: Whispers: “I’m sorry, darlin’. I saw the Cap’n smoochin’ with Malcolm in the bathroom at the gym yesterday mornin’ at 0500. And that’s an understatement.”
Hoshi: “I tried to pick Jonathan up once. In Brazil when I was teaching, when he had shown up to offer me this job, and…once or twice here on ‘Enterprise.’ No interest.”
T’Pol: “I know he is gay.”
Trip: “Well, do tell, cupcake! Yer just a fountain of new daily discoveries!”
T’Pol: “It is his business.”
Archer (sneaking up from behind T’Pol, smiling): “What’s my business Commander? Are you guys all ready to get to work, or do I have to maroon you all and run the ship with just Malcolm and myself?”
Travis (looks up over his shoulder at Archer): “We’re ready Captain!”
Archer: “You didn’t shave this morning, Travis…Niiice.” I’ll see you all on the Bridge in five minutes.” He leaves, followed closely by Malcolm Reed, who has an extra spring in his step.
T’Pol: “Well, Travis? Are you satisfied?”
Travis: “Are they ‘officially’ dating? Because I may want to go after some of that action myself!”
The male officers clear their trays, laughing, and head to the Bridge.
Hoshi: “T’Pol, last night was incredible..I’ve never felt so moved…”
T’Pol: (looks at the camera): “And what a fifth season we could have had.”
FIN
(clap, clap)
I truly enjoyed your latest effort, AJ!!
I know it takes time to crank these suckers out! They’re fun to read!
Keep it up!
AJ,
That was absolutely amazing! Archer and Malcom…. I can actually see that. Enterprise had such potential…. had they only waited a bit.
Ah well, I like our versions better. Next on the list:
Nero and Captain Robau.
What exactly happened on the Narada that we didn’t see??
Nero stuck Robau with his big stick!
(let’s see who runs with this one)
OOOH. OOOH.
Xmas party. Dr. Helen Noel, Kirk, and Mugatu! I mean, if you’re taking requests…
Welcome to the pigfest!!!!
I’m never sure if I should laugh or throw up when I come in here (laughter wins). Y’all are incorrigible.
Pigfest ‘09!
Totally Rad!
598/600:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in this Stye of the Pig for one grand, overarching purpose…
..Let us wallow…
It’s nice wallowing with you folks!
I spoke to Denise this morning, who was up quite late last night with the Trekaholics in Vegas. She can’t wait to get back to CHAT, so let’s make today one for the record books (You hear that, BND?).
I loves to wallow. This swill is sooooo-weeeeeet!
Hey Denise, wanna come over to my pen and try makin’ bacon? I’ve heard swine orgasms last 30 minutes. 45 if you fake it.
The minister is walking down the street when he meets up with Suzy (eight years old) who is walking her pet dog……
Minister: “Hello, Suzy….what’s your dog’s name?”
Suzy: “Porky!”
Minister: (smiling) “Oh, is he called Porky because he has a curly tail?”
Suzy: “Nah, we call him Porky because he likes to f**k pigs!”
604:
Harry:
Wonderfully sublime.
[SHORTLY AFTER THE ATTACK ON THE KELVIN]
AYEL: You will man a shuttle and come aboard our ship to discuss terms.
ROBAU turns to GEORGE KIRK: Walk with me.
KIRK: What is it sir?
ROBAU: You’re the captain now, Mister Kirk. If something happens to me on that ship, you are to take command.
THEY ARRIVE AT THE SHUTTLES
KIRK: Be careful, sir.
ROBAU: If I don’t make it back, I just want you to know that I banged your wife.
KIRK stands at the shuttle entrance flabbergasted.
ON BOARD THE NARADA
ROBAU: What gives you the right to attack a Federation ship?
NERO: My planet was just destroyed, along with my wife and child. And it was all because of some guy named Spock that I barely knew.
ROBAU: Awwww….. I’m so sorry…. Is there anything I can do?
NERO: Well, I AM single again. Ayel! Bring me my poking stick! Then everyone, leave the bridge!
ROBAU: I like where this is going. Can I polish your stick?
NERO: I’ve waited for this day my whole life. This day of asswrecking.
ROBAU: Ah! Yeah! Yeah! Like that! You’re the captain! You’re the captain!
NERO: FIRE EVERYTHING!!!
ROBAU: Urrrrgggghhh!!!!!
TOG:
So Robau is Jim Kirk’s dad, and gets to do Nero.
I think those bio-monitors on the “Kelvin” were right when they showed his accelerated heart-rate. “Sir! The Captain has an erection!”
George Kirk: “That bastard f*cks everything that moves…”
George Kirk sits in the captain’s chair; not the circumstance he’d envisioned for so long. He is resolute; his fate is sealed, yet he knows he dies not only for the sake of his crew but for his unborn child. The intercom whistles him from his dark thoughts.
Winona: Hon? Pick up. I really gotta talk to you. If you’re there, pick up.
George: Of course I’m here. Where else could I be? I have to stop Nero’s monstrously large ship by setting the Kelvin on a collision course. If only the autopilot hadn’t gone out, I could have joined you in the shuttle.
Winona: Auto-pilot? Is that the thingie I pulled the mother board out of? It has my hair curler working just the way I love.
George: Uuuhhhhh…. So…. why are you calling?
Winona: I’ve just given birth. It’s a boy.
Computer voice: Impact in 8 seconds.
George: That’s magnificent. At least my death has some meaning. What shall we name him?
Winona: I was thinking of naming him Jim.
George: After my grandfather. That’s…
Winona: No, after his father, Robert James Robau.
George: Great talking with ya, hon.
Computer voice: Impact in 2 seconds.
Winona: Oh, and I sold your golf clubs. Bye for now.
George: uuuhhhhh..
BOOOM!
NEELIX: I put something special in your hummus today, Commander Indian Guy!
CHAKOTAY: Best I not know what it is… right?
NEELIX: (winks) Oh, you’ll find out soon enough! It’ll take away all the stress of working for JaneHerWay.
(an hour later)
CHAKOTAY: Hello Belladonna…
B’LANA: Commander! You’re out of uniform! And you wax… everywhere…
CHAKOTAY: You know, Belladonna, I’m going to kiss you until our lips melt unto one dripping set, I’m going to rub down your back wiith my undulating fingers until I reach your hard Klingon butt and, like the claws of the hawk, grasp and rip assunder your pants, parting them down the legs slowly, and then I’m going to brace your shoulders and toss you down on that hot plasma injector until you start to sweat so, like a sinewy secreting tongued aardvark, I can slowly sip upon your flesh and slake my thirst for your salty dewdrops…
BND: (sitting in chair, munching on popcorn) A lil’ less tongue and a lil’ more hung!
7 OF 9: Hey! I am the character that should gather all of the male attention! (pulls down top revealing silver nipples which shoot out nanoprobes on Chakotay)
B’LANA: What? You have to put things in a man to get him to want you? Take this, you mechanical tart! (swipes at 7 with bat’leth, tearing off her lower catsuit)
NEELIX: (wearing only high heels and sunglasses) Now, now, ladies… I’d be more than willing to settle this dispute.
CHAKOTAY: Neelix, get out of here! Oh my goodness… I suddenly want to go as blind as the earthen mole who never sees the sunlight.
NEELIX: Come on, Commander and ladies- Have some of my special hummus. Once you go Talax, you never go a’backs!
BND: Uhhhhhh… t’ink I’ll go fur’ a walk aboot now… good luck thar’, Chawkta-maid.
CAPTAIN JANE-HER-WAY: Where do you think you’re going, sailor? Seven- shoot some probes in him! (points phazor at BND) You’re coming with me.
BND: Awwwwwwwwwk! Uhhhhhh… Shoot me upper head- I dunna need that one anyways…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
STAR TREK (2009)
Robau: “You are the Captain now, Mr. Kirk.”
Robau’s turbolift whisks him to the shuttlebay. Exiting, he heads for medical shuttle no. 37, where he meets Winona Kirk and the medical team.
Intercom (George Kirk): “Do you have her?”
Shuttle Pilot: “Yes, sir, we’re waiting for you, sir!”
Robau (kisses Winona): “I told George I was going to their ship! Ha Ha!”
Kirk: “Take off immediately! That’s an order!”
The shuttle whisks out of the shuttlebay, and Winona and George Kirk have their final exchange of words upon delivery of her child. “Jim it is….”
The ailing Kelvin collides with the Narada and explodes as numerous shuttles ferry the Kelvin’s crew to safety.
Robau: ” ‘Tiberius,’ HA! Your husband was a good man, Winona, but he sure was gullible. Let’s call her ‘Rosa’ after my mother.”
AJ,
Thank you, I wasn’t entirely sure how to end it. I don’t write many of our stories, I’m more used to research papers. I’ll try to get into the swing of things. After all, I do have the masters to learn from.
I bought me a set o’ golf clubs engraved wit’ “Geo Kirk” on tha’ bag…
Got a 7 o’ 9 silver nipple tee…
Got me a a set o’ Archer’s balls (that’s whar’ they went)…
Me golf ball washer be a new AMT T’Pow head bust… filled it meself I dids…
Ready ta’ tee off then from this here bridge… I’ll consider tha’ car pool lane a sandy trap…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
The Enterprise has just warped into the Vulcan system, facing a cloud of debris and bodies. They notice a large pointy object to the top-right of their window.
UHURA: Captain, they’re hailing us. Would you like me to make out with Spock to make him jealous.
PIKE: Meh, why not. Put him on screen. My name is Captain Christopher Pike. How are you?
NERO: Hi Christopher, I’m Nero.
BRIDGE CREW: Hi Nero!
NERO: Would you…. would you come aboard the Narada? I’d like to discuss terms with you.
PIKE: I seem to recall you asking the same thing of my captain when I was on the Kelvin.
NERO: Yeah, he was nice and tigh——— I mean……..
SPOCK: What do you mean by “tight?”
UHURA: Well, Spock, when two people REALLY like each other…..
NERO: Anyway, come aboard the Narada and we’ll talk.
PIKE: Do we have to talk? Can’t we just get straight to business.
NERO: We talk first, or I destroy your ship.
===============================
ON BOARD THE NARADA
Pike looks around at the dank interior. He notices the metal table with leather straps and the large probe attached.
PIKE: This is gonna be fun.
================================
Do you think this is good enough for Denise? We must continue to crank these babies out!
613:
TOG:
Denise will be thrilled, but you know what she would prefer?
Send Uhura to the Narada and forget to rescue her.
She wants Spockie free and clear (Kirk is OK).
NERO: (onscreen) I promise, Christopher, you will not survive. You’ll get your head on a pike.
UHURU: Don’t you mean FROM a Pike? (winks)
PIKE: Or GIVE on a Pike? (winks)
SPOCK: Captain?
PIKE: Uhhhhhh… Uhuru! Shush! Spock’ll neck-pinch me to death.
BND: His Rommie ship be like a giant octopussy… I’m gunna’ go oot and see iffi can spewlunk 20,000 leaks inta’ it’s beak…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Mmmmmmmmmmmm………octopussy!
Can’t talk…….eating!
Harry’s a sucker for octopussy.
I’m up in arms over that remark!
What’s an octopussy’s favorite Beatles song, Harry?
answer: I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand
I think the best part of the Las Vegas convention for me is how I got there. I’ve been in LA taking Apple Computer Certification courses and I read a tweet from AP about a trekmovie.com tweetup. I’m from Arkansas so Las Vegas seemed really close and doable. And the meetup just so happened to be on a day that I wasn’t doing anything. I have a friend that lives in santa monica and she was more than happy to go with. One of the best parts of my trip was my room. I managed to get $30/night rooms on the 4th floor. I was riding the same elevator as half of the Star Trek guests. Nothing is more shocking than the elevator opening up to Jonathon Frakes and Micheal Dorn. I was only able to stay 2 nights so I definitely didn’t get to do the complete con experience but at least I get to say that I went. Also, partying with Rod Roddenberry was a total blast. He had a party that was completely open bar (a first for me with top shelf booze). I also had a lengthy conversation with Garrett Wang (who was probably more interested in the lady friend that was with me) She was a very nice asset in Trekdom since she seemed to obtain shots from Rod Roddenberry anywhere she went. I can honestly say half of my alcohol consumption was probably in some way funded by everyone’s DVD sales :-)
http://yfrog.com/5ho2pzgxj – Picture of Miss Jones obtaining shots from Rod Roddenberry, Notice 2 in her hand :-) SCORE!!!
Anyways I hope to meet all of you at a future con.
Live Long and Prosper
Blake Powers
Little Rock, Ar
P.S. if any of you are on twitter you can tweet me at @blakepowers
I wish me name wuz’ Blake Powers… I’d save tha’ world…
After a cocktail…
Oh, I kidz cuz I loves…
Spockanella? Ye’ out thar’? Me pants have already fallen away.
AJ- me homo-erotic marionettes have descended upon me, demandin’ fresher wood. TOG? A lil’ help? Like shot-put, ye’ pull and shoot… What? TOG- ye’ dunna wanna help an olde depraved’d sailor? Oh, tha’ young, like Charlie X and Billy Mumy, can make ye’ go bonk-bonk on yer’ own head…
Harry’s jacuzzi iz nice… ate that Baby Ruth I furgot… scared tha’ Canadian tarts though…
CmdrR… Iffa I wuz’ in Hotlanta, I’d be submerged in Rocky Mt. cold blue can (blue ballz) Coors aboot now… Least ye’ got a lady who’d make any o’ us crazy… in dis’ heat! “News at 11… crazed pantless sailor makes nest in local newsman’s icebox… asks fur’ dinner… puts together AMT model of Trafalger battle.”
Oh, my… me Way-Back Machine haz’ landed me in 1968… izzat Denise? Spock has uncocked his block and now has locked on our unfrocked Trekmovie lass… I should send a card…
“Best wishes” – BND
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Oh, I kidz cuz I loves…
Saucer section replaced me loo seat… Thanke’ Riker…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Me Pine be growin’ since Chris wuz’ but a wee tot…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
621:
Sounds great. I wish I had been there myself. I managed to go to the NJ con, but Parsippany is not Vegas by a longshot.
I hope Creation deems both cons successes (NJ was sold out) and keeps on getting the top tier guests.
CHRIS PINE AND ZACHARY QUINTO TIE THE KNOT
(AP) Boston, MA
In what came as no surprise to most Star Trek fans, and a disappointment to young women worldwide, actors Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto were married today in a civil ceremony in Boston City Hall.
Boston native Leonard Nimoy served as Quinto’s witness, and the new couple can be seen here directly following the ceremony, Quinto blowing a gentle kiss to his fans.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_IJs0i3urQso/Se2gIiRkBsI/AAAAAAAABUU/5XBsyQRFuuQ/s400/chris+pine+zachary+quinto.jpg
The union comes hot on the heels of the runaway of success of JJ Abrams’ “Star Trek” reboot, where the two rising stars met on the set. Pine was recently quoted as saying, “I fell in love with Spock, and then I realized it was just Zack all along.”
Having just returned from the annual Las Vegas “Star Trek” convention with Nimoy, Quinto was asked why he didn’t invite his new lifepartner to be married amongst the thousands of loving fans whom he addressed there, Nimoy at his side.
“What? And get married at a “Star Trek” convention? That’s gay.”
FIN
AJ,
I love you. Nuff said.
628:
Humor is required at all times. Life is full of crap, and it’s nice to lampoon what we go through every day, or Star Trek. Or both.
I was in the mood to write something, and searching Google images is always a way to get something going. That one wrote itself in 5 minutes.
Denise should be checking in soon and then……WHOA NELLIE!!!!!!
623: Must….elope….with BVD….I mean BND….
BND… BVD… Just dunna call me late fur’ dinner…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
STAR TREK VOYAGER
Chakotay’s quarters, 0130:
Seven: “Ohh! Chakotay! Ahhhh! Ahh! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!”
Chakotay emerges from the washroom, all wet.
Chakotay: “Can you wait a second, Seven? I wanted to take a shower before I get into bed with you. Hands at your sides!”
Seven: “No, no, no. no, ohhhhhhhh, no, Chakotay! I can’t! Oh! Oh! OHHH! OHHHH! OHHHHHH my God…Chakotay, you’re the best!”
Chakotay: “I am?”
Security breaks into the room. “Sorry sir. Someone reported some loud noises, and we were (looks at Seven naked, spread-eagled and breathing heavily on the bed and Chakotay in his towel)….”Nice job, Commander! (hits comm-badge) Unit 11 secure! Have a good night sir.” He leaves.
Seven falls asleep.
Chakotay: “This sucks.”
FIN
I’m really sorry about this whole “appear and then disappear for three weeks” thing I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been too busy working on my art and stuff, ahaha.
(Which is, uh, more or less a cacophony of Odo/Kira fanart… Yes, it’s true, there ARE couples in Star Trek outside of Kirk/Spock. HOW ‘BOUT THAT!?)
634:
Christine:
It’s great for you to spend the summer less locked in front of a screen and doing some other things. As you can see, nothing has changed here.
As you say, there ARE couples in Trek besides Kirk and Spock, but none quite as hilarious.
Enjoy the waning summer weeks!
I want to hear about all the dirt that happened in Vegas!
And none of this “what happens in Vegas” crap!
Gimmeee!
I am back! And Harry, the only dirt you will get from me is the revelation that I was drunk and chasing Leonardo the entire weekend…
By the way, my favorite character in the costume contest on Saturday was a dominatrix w/riding crop who called herself “Mistress Janeway”. I will put pics up on my Facebook page tomorrow.
#635; AJ :: Haha, well, it’s been busy here in the Midwest, at least for me. ^^; Had band camp last week (omigawd, nearly killed me the least day D:) and I’ve been walking just about everywhere within two miles… Mainly just to hang out at the nearby Borders Bookstore and sink my teeth into the Star Trek Encyclopedia… It’s like my second Bible. xD;; (don’t tell my sunday school teacher!!)
Isn’t that the truth? I may not be a huge fan of K/S, but I sure get a kick out of watching you guys… ah, write about it, since I have no better way of explaining what many of you write.
This is the closest I get to writing just about anything Star Trek… A Deep Space Nine thing I wrote the other day. It’s shoooort~
http://roleplay4life.deviantart.com/art/Dear-Doctor-Mora-131687860
Baaaaaaaaah. Not my best. x__x
638:
That is absolutely first-class fiction, Christine, and you a stickler for grammar, but your style still gets out. Your writing is you.
Don’t worry about what we all write here. Just go after what you want to. Give some of it to us on CHAT for a read. That Odo piece was great.
Denisee-poo!!
You’re back!
And, your front!
Hi CmdrR! 7:30 in the morning, so I am only half back so far – one fourth is still sleeping and the other fourth is still on Las Vegas time. Missed talking with you guys for a few days. The con was outrageous. The Spacequest bar in front of where the Experience use to be was running Star Trek eps all weekend, so everyone got bombed while watching Kirk and Spock, then we would trot off to watch guests. Good times. Wish this crew in 69 Forward could do it together next year.
You didn’t miss much in here, Denise… especially the 490’s, which were good clean fun and not at all crude comments generally made at your expense. So, by all means, feel free to skip those.
*beams in*
Absolutely redonkulous! :-P
*beams out*
Just in case Messieurs Orci et Kurtzman need a little sumthin’ for the sequel…
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/sci_fi_writer_attributes?utm_source=a-section
(jumps into a red matter-created black hole and vanishes)
I love the Onion.
Denise, go back to bed!
Boo!
Bees!
Flux THIS, baby!!
#639; AJ :: Yeah, I’m a self-proclaimed grammar Nazi. x3 At least, for myself I am.
Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback. I’m also working on the only Star Trek – Pokémon fanfic on the entire internet. (How this is going to work, DON’T ASK, because I don’t know myself. xD)
#641 :: Welcome back! :3 I was gone for a while myself. ^^
#644 :: The Onion is so ridiculous. xP And yet, somehow, I find myself drawn to it every time someone throws a link on the page… Why is that?
It’s… ILLOGICAL.
Fade up. The lighting below decks is subdued. Even starfleet officers must sleep. But, the one officer who would most benefit from rest is instead walking the lonely corridors of the USS Enterprise this night.
Pikachu: Pika-Pika. Pika-Pika.
Kirk presses the chime on Nyota Uhura’s quarters. A moment later the comely lieutenant answers the door, no less lovely for the lateness of the hour.
Uhura: Captain, what brings you here at this –
Kirk: I found your latest pet.
Pikachu: Pika-Pika. Pika-Pika.
Uhura: Oh, thank goodness. I — OH! I’m so sorry, Captain.
Pikachu: Pika-Pika. Pika-Pika. Pika-Pika. Pika-Pikaaaaaaaaaa!
Uhura: (after a beat, she smiles wanly) That means he likes you.
Kirk: Ship’s drycleaners are closed until 0700.
Uhura: They’re very good pets, actually. AND, they can detect Klingons. Oh, and they like Vulcans.
The small yellow vermin disengages from Kirk’s leg and races into Uhura’s quarters. A moment later, Kirk and Uhura hear: “Pika-Pika-Pika-Pika-Pika….”
Spock: Sweet Zombie Surak! Nyota, not another one! I flushed your damned tribbles down the john; this thing can be next!
Swell up of silly, episode-ending music.
Something like that, Christine??
STAR TREK: USS POKEMON
Captain: “Pika-PikAH!”
Science Officer: “Squirtle! Squirtle!”
Captain: “PikAHchu!”
Red Alert klaxxons are heard throughout the ship
Tactical “PipLUPP! PipLUPP!”
The shields go up automatically. It’s a Klingon Bird of Prey decloaking!
Captain: “Pikapikapika…”
Tactical: “Piplup…Piplup…PipLUPP!”
Phasers fire, disabling the enemy immediately.
Captain: “Pika Pika”
Comm Officer: “Bulbasoar!”
The starfield on the screen is replaced by….
Enemy Commander: “Zangoooose!”
Captain: “Pika PikAH! PikAHchu!”
Enemy Commander: “Zangoose Zangooooose!”
Captain: “Pika.”
Wounded and defeated, the ship limps back its to home base.
Science Officer (walks up to the Captain): “Squirtle. Squirtle, Squirtle.”
Captain: “Pikapika. PikAHchu! Pika?”
Tactical: “Piplup?”
Captain: “Pikachu.”
The USS Pokemon goes into warp, onto its next mission.
I think the heat’s getting to me…
#651
The truly sad part is that I understood that. Kids are great, aren’t they?
I sat through TWO frakkin’ Pokemon movies. I made my son’s grandfather take him to the third one. Ah, revenge.
So much a’goin’ on… Wow! Iz chattie backie?!
Here’s ta’day’s message inna BND Brand Gin bottle: BND reports from a connie-vention he wuz’ never at:
Christopher Lloyd shared an outake clip from whence he portrayed the Klingon Commander in ST 3
KRUGE: What does this yellow alert mean?
MOTTS: Slow down, captain! We’ll ram that ship up ahead!
KRUGE: Whaaaaaat….doooooooes….thiiiiisssssss….yeeeeeee…llooooooow…….. aleeeeeeeeeert………. meeeeeeean?
MOTTS: Slow down!
KRUGE: Whaaaaaaaaaat……….dooooooooooooooooooooooooooes………….thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssss…
Gracie, the whale, showed a delightful deleted scene from ST 4
SPOCK: Glug, glug, glug.
GRACIE: (thinking to self) This man is stuck in my porthole! Well, I’ll show him I’m not that kind of lady. (blows spout)
SPOCK: Aaaaaaaaag! (shoots out of tank onto Shatner)
A vendor attempts to sell BND a toy phazor
VENDOR: That’ll be $44.95, sir.
BND: Arrrrr! I t’ink not as I point this here gun at ye’ and take it!
VENDOR: Sir, that’s just a toy. Lazer weaponry is the stuff of fiction thus far.
BND: Really- so iffi point it towards meself then press this here AAAAAAAAAAA! It burns!
BND thinks he has met T’Pow from calling a number upon a street leaflet
BND: Vegarse be grand. Though I paid quite a bit fur’ this here starlet lady ta’ come up ta’ me room.
TRINA VAN HOSER: Alright, relax and just let me handle all of this. Well, as much as there is to handle.
BND: Can ye’ use tha’ Vulcan schwang pinch?
TRINA VAN HOSER: It will cost extra.
BND: Oh, ye’ll do it or I’ll vaportize ye’ wit’ did’ here phazor! Well, I woulda’ not do that… but I’ll set it fur’ silly-cone melt! Now, tie this bag upon me head so more blood flows down below, lass… I needs it thar’…
TRINA VAN HOSER: Uncool, man. (hits BND with vase, takes wallet and phazer and commerative Horta underwear then departs.)
BND: Awwwwwwk! Come on back, lass! I wanna ye’ ta’ go “Pikka-pikka-pikka-choo!!!” Got me this yellow suit… I used ta’ be Spongey-Robert…
Oooooooh… who lives in a nuthouse undar’ tha’ sea?
Sponge-Boob BND!
Who’s riddled wit’ pox and could give ye’ vd?
Sponge-Boob BND!
Uhhhh… got me holes plugged up, I does… And grammar Nazi’s on me tookus! Squirtle! Squirtle!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Epic, my man. Epic.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… epic, mayhaps… Butt alwayz dream big… and order me BND Brand Rectile-Dissfun-tion Pills ta’ enbiggen anyone… Unless ye’ need me Shrinky-Dink Ray so as not ta’ hurt any lass… both under a buck! Juzt gotta fugure oot how ta’ get ‘im oot from under that there deere…
Conny-vention endin’ needs a sax playin’ me oot as I wander oof inta’ tha’ desert…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Oh, and thanke’ THX…
Tha’ Onion reports:
“Highly Articulate Sailor Saves Entire World From Undersea Invasion”
BND: All I did wuz’ wring this here sponge and eat this here piney-apple… Val must be fed, ye’ knows… got me a starfish entree’… and no, it not be brown!
Goodnight, Chattie-room! We loves ye’!!!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
#649, 650, 651 ::
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (I can’t express my amusement any better than that, sorry. xD; )
No! You both got it completely wrong! x3 It doesn’t even involve the TOS crew. It has more to do with that lovely… Mirror Universe concept, hear hear?
The year is 2163; the 100 year anniversary of First Contact. The setting is… well, it’s either gonna be San Fransisco or Tokyo, I can’t decide which. ;3 I might jump between the two places. I don’t have it all planned out yet, but I will say that the crew of the Enterprise NX-01 (minus Trip, ’cause he’s dead, unfortunately D: ) is mentioned a few times, but no starships here. There will be some jumping back and forth between the Q Continuum and Earth.
(Yes, that means Q will be in it. Yay!)
…..I’ll give you guys a link to the Prologue and Chapter One when they’re finished, hehe.
Christine, you should definitely write for us more often! I’ve tried my hand at it, but I suck at dialogue.
Well, I’m off to see Trek for a 6th time in theaters with my family. It just came to the dollar theater. At least I won’t be spending a fortune on it this time….
See you all in 3 hours!
A dollar to see Trek?
Q: BND, how much did you pay for those new earrings?
A: Two dollars……..I guess that would make it a buck an ear!!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…………………………………….
653:
I figured someone would catch it. Yes, kids make it quite easy to speak “Pokemon.” Also the story structure was basic Trek. Like this “Law & Order” spoof with chickens:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaH0NIEqoME
I just watched Trek in the cheapo cinema last night myself. It’s an old single screen theater that has seating for hundreds and a ginormous screen. It also has a sound system that crushes most of the multi-plexes in town. Believe it or not I have been really anticipating seeing it in this theater as much as when it first came out.
Hilarious, AJ! Loved that.
BTW I wrote up some of my newly formed views of the new movie on the Fan Reviews section on this here webby site. And I still like the movie.
What?… wait… Uhhhh… thar’s a new Starry Trek film?!!!!
Geez… somebodys tells me these things…
I’d pay a buck an ear ta’ see it, so ta’ speak, … CGI an’ bigger ship an’ young’uns runnin’ aboot pretendin’ ta’ be Nimoy and Shatner… Why, It’d be tha’ summer blocky-buster!!! … Maybe someone like Michael Bay could direct… giant ships poundin’ on each other fur’ two hours whilst Rand shows cleavy-age… Hmmmmm, mayhaps not Bay… That Lost guy doin’ anythin’ these days?
Could we have time travel again? Oh, Yeah!!!!!!!!!! …. break on through tha’ wall ta’ tha’ red-liquid side!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Oh, Pokemon, I remember when there were only 151……
#660 :: I’ll keep that in mind. ^__^ I’ve been told numerous times dialogue is my strong point; it’s my abuse of adverbs I need to work on! But I’d love to write some more things. They’ll probably just be one-shots, like in the link I posted earlier.
On the Dollar Theatre discussion :: I haven’t even been in a dollar theatre in a couple years! It’s been so long. But, I should totally start checking them out to see if Star Trek comes out in the cheapo theatre just a mile or so from my house. Since I only saw it once (but I’ve read the novelization a zillion times, haha) I’d love to see it again.
Buck-fifty for tickets; ten dollars for snacks. And that’s how they roll.
#666; TOG :: Weren’t those the best times? I think it’s ridiculous, having over 400 Pokémon. And like 40 legendaries. The whole franchise has gone from “fab” to “flab”! D:
…Oh, gawd, I better stop before I start getting nostalgic. (Well, as close as a 16 year old can get, anyways…) Haha, 1998 FTW. I was only five!
posted Vegas con photos on my FB page.
668:
Great photos, Liz!
#668
Agreed. Great photos.
My new con photos are up on my Facebook page now!
Seriously, go see them, they’re awesome!
Vegas seems like such a fun place…..
#668 :: Liz, do you have the photos up on somewhere other than FB, since I don’t have your Facebook? :3 Like, on your site or something?
Liz — great memories.
George looks like a Florida retiree, but the ladies are lookin’ fine.
Denise —
Great shots of all the fun.
Can you send me #39. And I don’t mean the picture.
;-)
OK, I’m at work and sad….although the piles of crapola aren’t as large as expected. woohoo. Plus I have to go to a seminar all morning so that is a nice way back into the week.
“#668 :: Liz, do you have the photos up on somewhere other than FB, since I don’t have your Facebook? :3 Like, on your site or something?”
Heh Christine. I’ll be posting on my website tonight probably. Just too pooped yesterday since uploading to the site is a chore, unlike the ease of FB. But you are always welcom to join my FB……..Liz Krikzil
“Liz — great memories.
George looks like a Florida retiree, but the ladies are lookin’ fine.”
Heh! So true. I can’t believe how good the women looked. I want their plastic surgeons!
Also, D–
You need to update your facebook photo with one of the sin city specials. You’re gettin’ hotter, m’dear.
CmdrR#677- Why thank you, my love…
678:
Denise,
Nice set…
of photos!
Do you even know you’ve got one of Brannon Braga flanked by two hotties?
Urgh.
The Oddments are at it again on the Nero Comic thread.
I lost count of the posts about why “Kor” in the Nero comic (and it’s not necessarily even clear in the preview if it is in fact the “Kor” from TOS) has ridges when “Kor” from TOS obviously had none.
Just silly.
AJ#679- I knew he was someone Trek-related, but to tell you the truth, I really wanted to get the picture of the two girls. If you look at the photo, he was talking, telling me to come join the crowd. Since I was not sure who he was or if I wanted to hug on him, I simply took the pic and went on my way…
Poor Brannon Braga Buggedy Boo… I coulda not pulled him oot a line-up meself…
I ne’er been ta’ any con, nor have any DVDs (’cept ST 6)… In fact, what does I see in Trek?
No jury o’ chickens could e’er convict me o’ bein’ a superfan… althoughs…
Starry Starry Trek
Spent too much time thinking o’ you in these years I’ve spent
Posting notes upon this movie site o’ fandom vent
Until me computie soon does crash
Starry Starry Trek
Don’t have any merchandise nor posters above my bed
Unless you count a book by Shatner I have ne’er read
Had an E model but it got bashed
Starry Starry Trek
Why do I keep watching TNG and even some o’ Enterprise
Re-runs o’ shows I’ve seen so many times in me life
But not as much as that show MASH
Starry Starry Trek
How many times will T’Pow be catsuit compromised
In vignettes that alternate Spock on tha’ captain’s fly
Can fictional folk give me a rash?
Starry Starry Trek
Dressed up meself as 7 of 9 full of foil, balloons and black drek
Scared the postman low and high; he did not deliver me paycheck
Cooked me booties into some hash
Rest me head upon me window sash
Gave me neighbours quites a flash
Then went back to watch some more Starry Starry Trek…
Perhaps tha’ endings will somehow change… and Janeway will at last get laid…
Perhaps she ne’er will…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
681:
So you were hit on by Brannon Braga at a Star Trek Convention?
That’s just hilarious…
Don Mclean’s rolling over in his grave.
684:
CmdrR: Your sockpuppeting attempt was thwarted! Poor Don.
AJ#683- I thought Brannon Braga was the guy who killed Captain Kirk in Generations – if that is the case, I am not impressed… and who is Don Mclean?
Silly me. I thought it was sockpuppeting only when it wasn’t painfully obvious. Ah well.
Mr. McLean can dab away his his tears with his residual checks, which could beat my annual pay without trying.
McLean wrote Starry Starry Night … which BND just lampooned.
He also did American Pie, which Madonna massacred.
Denise, I just went through your Vegas pictures and………you are looking even more gorgeous than ever!
You could have starred in Mudd’s Women!! What’s your secret? Ooooh, I know……lot’s of rest, sex and attending every Con in the country! Am I close?
686:
Denise: Yes. Braga was co-writer on ‘Generations,’ with Ron Moore. I am not sure Kirk’s death was his idea exclusively.
And it was Dr. Soren who killed Kirk. Bastard!
No idea if Denise and Lixy actually ever met up in Vegas, but I imagine the aftermath may have been something like this:
FADE IN
EXT – INTERSTATE, OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS
DENISE and LIXY stand on the shoulder, disheveled, wild-haired, exhausted, but gloriously happy.
CRANE UP above them as they turn to look back upon their conquest.
Las Vegas lies in smoking ruins. No whole buildings remain standing. The WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS sign, the last visible landmark, groans dangerously and crashes spectacularly to the ground.
The two gaze back upon the scene of their LIIT-fueled debaucheries in wonder.
DENISE – Whoa. Helluva weekend.
LIXY – The Chat guys are never going to believe this. You think we went too far?
DENISE – Yeah. Too far. Didn’t think we wentthat far though.
LIXY – Don’t you think you should’ve thought of that before you went too far?
DENISE – I couldn’t be bothered by that. I was too busy stalking Leonardo and avoiding Brannon Braga to realize I was going too far…
Still arguing, they WALK AWAY down the shoulder of the interstate as we…
FADE OUT
Harry#689- Yes, you are right, in addition to good genes, my love…
AJ#690- Then the bastards who killed Kirk were Braga, Moore, Shatner and Soren, none of whom I would want to get cozy with….
Perfect! Just add this one bit………
DENISE stops walking and bends down to reach under the skirt of her minidress. Reaching around she pulls out a TRIBBLE. Holding it up she stares at it in wonder.
DENISE – How the hell did that get in there??
LIXY – You really don’t remember wrestling with that Orion trader in the bar, do you?
#672 Shark
It is a fun place. There is just so much ALWAYS going on and it’s not difficult to get around the town. I spend lot’s of time in Vegas and I never even gamble. I do like my alkeehawl (not to the point of destruction though). They have lot’s of it. I also have a bunch of musician friends who live and work there (including a dancer from the cruise ships I used to work on who was one of the cast members at The Experience) and I can get some pretty neat treatment to the town.
But the sights and food and just general atmoshpere of anything goes is intoxicating in itself.
Starry Trek 4: A Piece o’ tha’ Action
Well… Vegarse wuz’ linked ta’ Bugsy… Oh, well… off I goes…
SPOCK: If my calculations are correct we should be in New Jersey, circa 2004.
KIRK: This place is a craphole. Beam me up, Scotty.
SPOCK: No, Admiral, we have to procure a “gangster”, as it were, to communicate with the Sicilian Probe threatening Earth in the future.
KIRK: Fine. Look, there’s some place selling swine flesh. Let’s grab a bite. Some kooky ladies hanging out there- maybe this isn’t such a very bad year.
SPOCK: During all night and day I believe those women hang around there. I wouldn’t go near…
KIRK: Hey there, can I do it “my way” with you, you hairy honeybun?
SILVIA: Well, hello dere, dearie. Wanna’ do a lil’ hug and tug? Only cost you a cannoli.
KIRK: That’s why, dear lady, you’re a tramp. But, when in Rome…
SPOCK: When we were in Rome, you made me swordfight McCoy while you slept with a female slave and used a machine gun on policemen.
TONY SOPRANO: Whoa, hey- what’s with the robe there? I thought hairy krishnas were out of style. And you- a purple suit, what are you- Silvia’s pimp?
SPOCK: I believe this is exactly the sort of sample we require, Admiral. Admiral?
KIRK: Just a minute, Spock. She’s showing me the spicy sausage swallow.
SPOCK: Very well. I will subdue this subject and we can depart as soon as you are finished.
TONY SOPRANO: Hey- quit touching my neck you EDITED EDITED! I’ll EDITED EDITED your pony EDITED shortbread EDITED ziti!
SPOCK: He reminds me of a teddy bear I used to have.
KIRK: Quick, get us out of here… she keeps saying it’s up to New York, New York if we live or die. I guess I went too deep in her olive field. And they have money in these times… they demand it!
SPOCK: Christopher Columbus could not have discovered such a country.
SILVIA: You owes me a whole lot, mister! I’ll be itching for a friggin’ week!
CHRISTOPHER: Yo, yo! They got T! Look, you EDITED freaks, I don’t know why you’re dragging his EDITED bloated body around but he’s the boss and… say… robe guy- aren’t you a EDITED director?
SPOCK: Indeed.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I have this script, see… You gotta direct it! It’s all about some mob boss who travels to the future and starts this here Orion Syndicate… green EDITED all around , see…
SPOCK: The needs of the mafia outweigh the needs of the few. I will take a look.
TONY SOPRANO: Ohhhhh… hey you EDITED pimp- This’ll make you sing like my surname!
KIRK: Owwwwwww! My little ensigns! Let go! He’s got a grip like a mugatu! Here- take my girdle and my hair and let go! Help me, Spock!
SPOCK: Sorry, Bill… I have a project to get green-blood-lighted. So, how about we add the Loch Ness Monster as this space mob boss’ nemesis?
TONY SOPRANO: Wait- why are we EDITED fading to black? This ain’t over yet!
KIRK: Woke up this morning
Put on myself a rug
Pike had already told me
I’d be the chosen one
One in a million
To command the Enterprize at 25
Sure is a shame nowadays about it
Got a blue pill to make heave between my thighs
Woke up this morning
Got myself a tug
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Sorry aboot that…
I know yer’ all Con focused now!
Well, most o’ Trekkites are Khan-focused, I supposes…
I’ll be quiets now…
TONY SOPRANO: You bet you will. (shovels dirt over BND’s body)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Harry and Beach- More or less accurate. BND- I have no way of knowing….
STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION
Beverly Crusher’s quarters 2315 hours. Candles are lit, after a romantic dinner for two comes to a conclusion. An empty champagne bottle, and several empty wine bottles are strewn about the cabin.
Picard: “Thank you for a lovely dinner, Beverly. Your..company has always been…special to me, and I…”
Beverly: “Don’t..Don’t go, Jean.”
Picard: “Bev..Don’t..I can’t..What do you want from me?”
Beverly: “What do I want? Jean, it’s you! Your head is so thick, silly. You always knew I had a thing for you.”
Picard: “Yes, I did, Bev. But, you know, after Jack died, I thought a professional distance was appropriate.” (Note to Rick Berman. Wrong move.)
Beverly: “Jean? Let’s put aside our jobs…for the moment, at least. ” Beverly looks into the Captain’s eyes. “I want you…inside of me. I want to feel you, Jean. Stay…Let’s have another drink. Touch me. I’ve yearned for it for so long!”
Comm (Riker): “Captain?”
Picard: “Go ahead, Number One.”
Riker: “You have a subspace transmission from Admiral Janeway. Priority One. And scrambled.”
Picard: “On my way. Sorry, Beverly. They say that sometimes, captains are the loneliest souls of all.”
Beverly: “Who wrote that?”
Picard: “I did. Just now. Because now I have to leave.” Picard darts out the door.
HOLODECK 4
There is a party in progress with hundreds of gyrating naked green women. Riker is there with Data, Geordi and O’Brien.
Picard walks in.
Picard: “Thank you, Will! That was close! Now, what are we drinking?”
Data: “It is green.”
FIN
684: Don McLean wishes he could write so well.
I think I’m gonna agree with THX and say that AJ DEFINITELY has Pon Farr on the mind.
Aside from that, great story! I wish I had your writing ability.
Added photo thread for Vegas Trek con to my website for those not on FB.
‘Mornin’ all.
700:
“AJ DEFINITELY has Pon Farr on the mind”
When did you figure it out? ;-)
702:
Good morning. Or in your case, afternoon, by now.
698:
Epic. Well done. I should wish to write half as well…
..You know, maybe some of you guys should get into the soap-opera writing business. You certainly write a lot of… interesting romances here. xD
#676 :: Ah, thanks. I’ll check out your site when I can. ^^ And, my parents have a strict rule about me not adding people I only know via the internet to my Facebook. You know.. privacy and security, that sort of junk. xP But thanks for the offer.
Sounds like the con in Vegas was a huge hit. :D Hopefully they’ll still be doing it in another couple years, when I’ll be old enough to get myself there! But I like looking at the photos. -thumbsup-
——————————————
Since I’ve discovered some of you around here have taken an interest in my artistic/written works, here’s a quick look at a project I did a few months ago:
http://roleplay4life.deviantart.com/art/Box-City-2009-130485004
You can glance through the description, but it’s just a few pictures of a box I painted (and slept in, haha). Being me, I had to make it Star Trek related… mainly because I was missing the premiere of Star Trek (2009) to be at this particular event. ^^; My first try with Tempera Paints, whoo! (And, uh, about 3-4 cans of black spray paint… thank God for supportive parents.)
And my hair usually looks a lot better than that. o__o But whatever. I was volunteering.
Happy Thursday, all.
Too tired to talk. Must go read some Iain Banks and drop off trying to pronounce the character names in my head.
Be well.
Ahhhhh… ta’ be young and artistic-like…
Tha’ only boxes I slept in are the ones I finds in alleys… havta’ fight oof some tribbles fur’ them…
And now a few snippets o’ StarDates! Love and loss in tha’ glorious galaxy full o’ soapy space operas
First up- Welcome one and all ta’ tha’ StarDating Game!
T’POW: I have to choose from three humans without seeing them?
BND: Right as rain that flows like a fountain once or twice a’tugged!
T’POW: May I at least see their lower regions?
BND: Nigh! Ask some bangly-poo thing ta’ meet yer’ slaker!
T’POW: Very, well then. Bachelor Number One…
RIKER: I’m not that Riker- I’m his evil twin and sockpuppet Thomas. Now then, let’s chuck this screen and get down to business. (removes uniform but body hair seems to resemble VOY-style uniform)
DAX: I used to be a man, sweetie… so which space lady do I get to choose from? Just this one? (stuns T’Pow, drags her off by hair- which is difficult)
TRIP: Hey now, you silly trilly, there’s a’plenty of her to pass around possum style! (kicks down screen and tries to take off shirt, collar gets caught on head) Darn it! Cap’n, can you undo my belt?
ARCHER: (clutching knees in fetal position, rocking back and forth) This ain’t happening! This ain’t happening! My happy place… my happy place…
BND: Uhhhhh… seems most o’ tha’ contest-ants be deparrrrrrrtin’. Well, Johnathon… wunna’ play some Scrabble wit’oot tha’ vowels?
Archer kept making tha’ word “xxxrxsss” and beat me fair and square. Now, excludin’ Archer, me last date didda not go right smoothly…
BND: Ahhhhh, for a woman’s touch is soft and deep and leaves tha’ lad wit’ sweetest dreams in sleep.
MARTA: You know, lover, that now that we’ve kissed, I’ve got a big surprise for you! (pulls out Chef Emeril butcher knife, stabs BND in leg)
BND: Awwwwwwk! Dis’ is worse than when that wasp woman laid her eggs in me! See, Trip- I wuz’ tha’ first human male ta’ get pregnant!
MARTA: Shhhhh, lover. Shhhhhhhh… this will only hurt a little.
BND: Well… could ye’ show me yer’ shimmerin’ shamrock shuttlepods one last time? Awwwwwwwk! I needed that kidney!
Such be love. Even Number One can get deep in number two…
RIKER: Deanna, now that we’re been married for awhile, I was wondering if I should confess something…
TROI: Yes, Will?
RIKER: Well, your thick-lipped curlish American accent had finally gotten to me and well… long story short, Geordi and I are in love.
TROI: What? My God, Will… how does my speech pattern lead to that?
RIKER: He’s just outta sight!
(Troi hits Riker in head with the “Jean-Luc Johnny Lock” metal codpiece Picard gave them as wedding gift)
GEORDI: (bursting in) What have you done to my beloved bristle beard?! No worries, pudgy wudgy, the mean old Betazoid won’t hurt you again.
(Troi hits Geordi with a piece of Data that broke off in her when Data was giving her his wedding gift)
TROI: I’m going out to find that trill EDITED and play with her!
GEORDI: Oh, my head… wait- I can see!!!! AJ- write my Will and me off into the sunset…
And lastly, a little flexibility in any relationship be key ta’ a successful union…
ODO: Narice, I’m leaving you. I have found someone else.
KIRA: But, Odo- that’s just silly putty! …. Which you seemed to shape into a… That looks like mine, damn it!
ODO: Her name is Play-Doh and I love her. Hrrrumph.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Good on you, Christine. You give us hope. Don’t lose the part of you that wants to make a difference. It seems to die off when teenagers reach their twenties. And you can find many of us on Facey Page. Friend us when your folks say it’s OK. They obviously don’t read the chatty section here.
And BND, what can I say that hasn’t already been said? Wait a sec…That totally doesn’t make any sense. I can say anything that hasn’t been said. I need to first find out everything that has been said so far. I guess it’s off to the library with me.
Mikhail Barrrrrrrrrry-shnikov once said that it’s tha’ artist’s job ta’ change society through thar’ arrrrrrrrrrrt.
In fact, Ballet-Man once said “I think art education, especially in this country, which government pretty much ignores, is so important for young people.”
Dance on… maybe THX can play Swanny Lake…
…or not…
Say anythin’ at all cuz’, like Frasier Crane, “I’m listenin’”… and I like money and gin instead o’ compliments fur’ blarneys’ sake!
Send cheques and bottles ta’
BND
Empty Frigadaire Box
Corner o’ 5th and Sycamore
And send a kidney as well please… them green lasses dunna give a piss… but they sure are some’a'thin’…
Oh, I kidz cuz’ I loves…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
F the library. Too much work and they make you be quiet. All I need is inside the interwebby.
I can play Swanny Lake if you like, but I have a tendency to improvise over the chord changes and pretty soon it starts to sound like an Ornette Coleman tune. But while I’m standing in front of my box with my tin cup and the two green dancing ladies, I make a tidy little sum. It’s tough to get a good webby connection out here though.
708: BND
“(Troi hits Geordi with a piece of Data that broke off in her when Data was giving her his wedding gift)”
I think I’ve shatnered my pants laughing…
Went out to lunch today with a friend…..decided to take Denise’s advice and drank LIITs…….only had three and now my tummy is rebelling. Don’t feel drunk, just yucky.
Denise, tell me, where did I go wrong?
What did you eat, Harry?
If you had three LIIT and don’t feel at least a little drunk then I would begin to suspect the alleged drinks.
I DID have a light lunch of a lobster salad.
Maybe I’m just having a BLECCHH day…..tired, so very tired!
#708 :: “..ODO: Narice, I’m leaving you. I have found someone else.
KIRA: But, Odo- that’s just silly putty! …. Which you seemed to shape into a… That looks like mine, damn it!
ODO: Her name is Play-Doh and I love her. Hrrrumph. …”
You just broke my heart and made me laugh so hysterically hard. xDDDD And I’ll restrain myself from correcting the spelling of her name… **Nerys. Oh! Oops! Temptation struck.
#709 (seven o’ nine? haha — stupid joke) :: Thanks. I plan to continue volunteering as much as I can throughout college and such.
And, eheh, I don’t go on Facebook that much anyways. o__o; I’m already a deviantART addict (that site I keep linking to, LOL) and stuck on that.
#713 :: It may not help, but I suggest a TUMs and a nap. But I’m not sure of the best remedy for your ailment, so… ^^;
Harry, you need MORE LIIT’s.
THX is right Three of those suckers should have made you light-headed at least. It’s all booze and a drop of cola for color.
After 3 LIIT’s in Jersey, security and I had to chase Denise around the Hilton with a dart gun ;-).
Funny, it was a reputable restaurant and the drinks TASTED potent enough……..m’eh, maybe it was my mood!
Well, back to big glasses of wine for moi!!!
Harry:
What’s your taste in wine?
I like a nice Pinot Grigio, usually Santa Margharita. In red I prefer a Merlot. Love Italian wines.
How about you?
SM is THE big one for Pinot Grigios. Has a good snap. If you go lower, they end up tasting like water.
I find Merlot to be like a mild Cabernet (which I prefer). I’ve been trying some some South American Malbecs lately, and some interesting reds from Portugal of all places. I enjoy traditional overpriced French Bordeaux, and drink almost any reds from Italy. For mass consumption, I’ll take a basic wood-barrel US chardonnay.
I be a Cabernet man meself…. though I drink a lotta sherry… Gin be me main drink, though (no surprises)…
Oh, and thanke’ AJ… Bonk, bonk on tha’ head!
I lives ta’ serve. Serve meself some more gin!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Used ta’ be that every fall, a small Californiay winery used ta’ make a Special Reserve Cabernet… inexpensive and solid… tha’ winery wuz’ Turnin’ Leaf…
They put chocolate in it!
I got pissed and got me acne e’ery October… whilst in tha’ states I winded up handin’ oot bricks wrapped in tinfoil and an olde Hershey wrapper fur’ Tricker Treat… still got olde eggs on dat’ dere house… That’s why passin’ gas reminds me o’ tha’ Autumn…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Three LIT’s and I might wake up in time for Christmas…but maybe not.
I have no tolerance. I’m a cheap date.
And I don’t drink…wine. (quick! what movie is that from?)
Spockanella:
What do you drink when you do?
What was the line from?
725: I was hoping someone could tell me what movie it was. It was some sort of campy vampire movie with Leslie Nielsen, but I’m having a senior moment day and can’t remember the name of it.
I actually don’t drink. Just don’t care for it; it’s not my thing. I have had LIT’s before, but they’re sort of funny. Really aren’t good unless the bartender is talented. The only drink I ever had that I really liked was an Absolut lemonade, vodka and Tom Collins mix. Never met a wine I’ve EVER liked and don’t know a chardonay from a cabaret.
Bela La-gooooooosi said it in tha’ original film o’ “Dracula.”
He wuz’ hostin’ a dinner part fur’ Johnathon Harker.
“I dun’t drink…… vine.”
Mayhaps also in “Nosferatu.”
Mel Brooks may have slipped it in as Lesie Nielson’s line from “Dracula, Dead and Loving It.”
Wuz’ it in Bram Stoker’s novel? I dunna… all notes and diaries…
Iffi were a bat, I’d poop wherein I’d please.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
poop, poop on tha’ head
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
727: See, I knew you’d have the answer.
Poop, poop on the head. Splat!
Glad to see my complaint over LIITs led to everyone discussing their favourite libation!
AJ, I concur with your overview in #721….Spain’s got some good ones, too. Don’t care for any wine from Australia as they all taste the same, although New Zealand has some nice whites…..Stoneleigh(?) being one, I think.
Don’t like wines that have too heavy of an oak taste.
I like whites that have a dry, crisp taste with a hint of fruit to them.
730:
“Don’t like wines that have too heavy of an oak taste.”
Well that excludes alot of American and Australian chardonnays.
Have you ever gone for a Chablis? Now, that is great. Fresh and fruity. Served cold.
I am sure I have sampled some Chablis over the years, but I’ll be damned if I can remember any of their names….maybe I enjoyed them TOO much!
Whisky, my friends. That’s the answer. A nice double of ice cold (not on ice) Pendleton and I’m a happy camper.
My wife and all her clan is Portuguese so you know what kind of wine we have around the house. She would tell me what her favorite is but everyone in the family talks at once. We found a winery in Oregon that bears her family name so of course I purchase wine from them by the case.
But yeah, I’m Irish. Give me whisky.
734:
THX:
Ever seen this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GrTHPnyB6Q
Does it exclude me from the conversation to admit I haven’t touched a drop in 20 years?
You’re never excluded, ‘Beach.
3 LIITs? a nice start. (RIght Denise?!)
738:
Yes, a great start to a productive Friday morning.
The Russians have a saying (among many): “The great thing about drinking in the morning is that, once you do it, the whole day is free!”
736:
Thanks.
Did my (heavy) drinking in Germany in my Army days. Got waaaaay out of hand.
#734
To start with, you know that it can’t be a fair depiction of Ireland with all the bottles strew across the runway like that. We put candles in them or flower arrangements.
#735
Excluded? Are you kidding? You’re driving, fercrissakes!
#’ 737 and 738
Appropriate start times for alcoholic consumption:
12:00 PM for all alcohol unless camping and fishing, then beer (and only beer) can be consumed upon waking. In polite society alcohol consumption is frowned upon as the early morning drink. But as Jimmy Buffett said, “It’s always 5 O’clock somewhere.”
741:
THX: I don’t think that’s all the bottles.
It is still quite common in Russia for men to drink beer in the morning. There was one local beer company that had a light, and a strong dark beer, both in 1L bottles, and there billboards read “For the morning” (next to the light) and “For the evening” (next to the dark). Scandinavians also drink beer early. Take a morning flight out of any airport in that part of the world, and marvel at beer consumption.
You just described my 20’s.
#735 :: Hey, if anyone’s excluded, it’s me. I’ve got five years ’til I can legally take a sip of anything with alcohol! I’ve never even had wine in church… But I go to a Methodist church, and we use grape juice instead. ^__^;
Besides, I’m destined to be allergic to beer hops and 99% of wines… It’s genetic. My mom is.
Hey, that “District 9″ seems to be getting some good press.
745,
Aye, one of my friends saw it last night and said it was “impressive to say the least.” I’m looking for someone to go with, but all my friends are still out of town.
^ Looks like Transformers, if Transformers had made sense.
“…You just described my 20’s…”
You remember those days? Wow, you’re doing better than I am. I recall when the goal was not to have a good time, but to see how intoxicated one could make oneself.
I recall one of my cohorts was a guy who looked for all the world like Nimoy in his 20’s, by the name of–I swear I am not making this up–Picard!!
I’ve lived alone for a long while now so I basically do whatever, whenever. If I want to pour a LIIT at 7 am, I do! (Yes, large bottle of premixed goodness always at the ready in the frig!) In Vegas, I was drinking at all hours. I’m just mad that once again, I didn’t get to do it with Ms. Denise!
Ok, I have 3 hours until I’m bolting from work. It’s been too hard coming back.after a week off. But at least 3 cases pled so no trials. woohoo.
748 –
Ah yes… but by my early 30’s God was whispering in my ear. That didn’t work, so by 39, He was beating me over the head with a 2X4.
Now… I have ice cream and a young wife. (Not a bad combination, btw.)
749:
How are things, Liz? Still a suburb of Hell, heatwise?
750:
No doubt the genesis of some sticky situations, no?
750:
God whispered in my ear at many Grateful Dead concerts, and I have thanked Him each time for getting me home in one piece. Thanks again, Jerry.
In my college years, we used to take stimulants so we could stay up until daylight at parties downing the cheapest beer and/or grain alcohol mixed in an industrial garbage can with water and Stop’n'Shop brand Kool Aid substitute tropical punch mix (and fruit). I lived with a bunch of guys in a house, so the next morning, our living room floor was so sticky that the cigarette butts didn’t budge when you swept them. And we always cleaned up the next morning. No matter how horrid the hangover.
And I’m still here.
“749:How are things, Liz? Still a suburb of Hell, heatwise?”
‘Beach — Yes. It’s been brutal this year, even for Phoenix. It was nice to go to Vegas — it was cooler. LOL We did at least finally get some rain yesterday. Nothing like heat over 110 combined with humidity. It just sucks the life out of me.
Just because I find it amusing…
Our current windchill factor is — wait for it — 100 DEGREES.
Billions and billions of dismembered corpses ago…
Actually Jodie Foster has herself two wondrous scenes in which her quivering expression o’ not-so-silent desperation plays oot…
One is in tha’ lovely film “Somersby” (speled rite?) in which a man returns to his plantation after tha’ Yankee War o’ tha’ States but he izznot that man, rather he looks like him and identity thefts his life but tha’ townsfolk accept him. (Based on a French legend and film.) In a courtroom scene, Jodie Foster quivers oot “I know… I know…” because she knows the man is not her husband but she do love him nonetheless…
In that space movie J.F. wants ta’ go see her Daddy on Vega and quivers out commandingly “I’m OK ta’ go, I’m OK ta’ go.” Then that sicko Sagan has Hannibal Lectures handcuff hisself ta’ her yet cuts oof his own hand. He then proceeds ta’ eats tha’ mind o’ that bloke from “Goodfellas.”
Hmmmmm… think slim and sultry (but somehow manly) Jodie Foster would like a guy like me? Or am I barrrrrrrrking up tha’ wrong tree…
RIKER: I loved a man/woman once.
BND: Awwwww, As did we alls, bristle beard…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
…
Liz- I had a bottle of Vodka and Bloody Mary mix delivered to my room just as a couple friends showed up at my door. By the looks on their faces, I determined that they probably thought I had a drinking problem, so what did I do? I asked them if they wanted to go down to the Spacequest bar and get plowed. We did!
758:
Geez, Denise! And you want TOG to take care of you at future conventions? The only way that will happen, it seems, is if he has a badge. ;-)
Those conventions are evil inducements to drink and have fun. The cliche view is so far from the truth…
AJ#758- You know I need a guardian or two at cons… and I so adore evil inducements to drink and have fun…
#745 :: Really, good reviews? The reviewer for our local paper gave it a pretty bad review. But in all honesty, looks like the cliché alien movie… More or less. X-Files meets Alien meets Close Encounters meets E.T, maybe? Still, I’ll rent District 9 when it comes out on DVD, probably.
#750 :: “…Ah yes… but by my early 30’s God was whispering in my ear. That didn’t work, so by 39, He was beating me over the head with a 2X4. …”
I might need to use that quote in the next sermon I right. I’ll be sure to give you credits. ;3
#758 :: “..Those conventions are evil inducements to drink and have fun. The cliche view is so far from the truth…”
I know, right? When a friend and I went to our first convention ever (this happened… oh, a few weeks ago) it was interesting, to say the least. After about 11 PM; midnight rolled around, the hotel suddenly got a lot louder… and people started having more… fun, haha. We left at around midnight, but I had a strong feeling the party was just getting started there. And I can’t imagine what it’s like in California! This is Nebraska, for God’s sake!
Okay, I have officially lost my mind. While Christine was down here typing 760, I was upstairs ranting away on the chat box. I think it would make an interesting one-man play. Just the mindless rantings of a madman…..
OH WAIT! That would be like that one TNG ep with Riker!
===============================
Please ignore this post and all of its content, as TOG has gone completely nuts. Thank you, AP.
TOG:
I see you got stuck in the “Meebo” box by yourself again.
That’s like Kirk in that psycho chair. Queen to Queen’s level 3?
Queen to Queen’s level 3?
Ah, crap.
STAR TREK
Kirk and Spock’s quarters.
Spock (from the washroom): “Captain? I have just discovered why this spool of paper is located next to the humanoid waste disposal device.”
Kirk: “You mean the toilet paper, Spock?”
Spock: “Is that not what I said?”
Kirk: “What’s so special about it?”"
Spock: “Well, apparently, directly following anal defecation, one can use it to remove fecal debris associated with the act.”
Kirk walks in to the washroom. “You mean, you just discovered that..NOW?”
Spock: “I have.”
Kirk: “No wonder I keep getting infections. Well, Bones’ll sort it out.”
FIN
Epilogue 1:
TOG: “Queen to King’s Level One….
Queen to King’s Level One…
Can anyone hear me?”
Epilogue 2:
TOG: “…anyone?…”
The setting is a brightly-lit, oval-shaped room with a white floor and a white ceiling. The walls are covered with televisions, showing various Star Trek episodes from all the different series and movies. On either end of the room is a white door. In the center is a black leather chair that rotates 360 degrees to view the entire room.
The first character, Josh V. walks in, confused, from the stage right door. There is someone sitting in the chair in the center of the room, but he is turned around so Josh cannot see him.
JOSH: [Looks around] Hello? Who are you? What is this?
FIGURE IN CHAIR: I am of no importance. What you see is merely a construct.
JOSH: Elaborate.
FIGURE: This place is special to us, both you and I. Here we can see events past, present, and future.
JOSH: As if the timeline were one giant soap opera.
FIGURE: Correct. But not so much a soap opera as it is a Space Opera.
JOSH: But that kind of stuff only happens in Star Trek.
FIGURE: Precisely. Star Trek is, in fact, the future. Many years ago, back in what you perceive to be the 1960’s, approximately 40 years in the past, one of Starfleet’s ships was caught in a black hole and thrown back in time. This was the Starship Relativity, a ship specifically designed for time travel.
JOSH: So how does that connect with a bunch of bad tv shows?
FIGURE: While the Relativity crew was stranded on Earth, for about 10 years, some of them got comfortable in their new lives, forgetting their original mission to restore parts to their ship in order to return home to the 29th century. Captain Ducane eventually convinced all but one of the crew to return, knowing full-well that it could alter the course of history.
JOSH: So I’m living in an alternate timeline? Wonderful….
FIGURE: Yes. And since this person knew that the timeline would be altered by his presence, he felt that since he had already disrupted the timeline, it wouldn’t hurt to share the information from the future. He did this by using 1960’s technology to create a show that expanded the mind to other possibilities.
JOSH: Wait. You’re saying that Gene……..
FIGURE: Roddenberry was from the future. Correct. All the strange new worlds and new civilizations that you have seen actually do exist. The events of World War III will happen. Zeffram Cochrine will fly the Phoenix. And Janeway and Seven of Nine will in fact “get it on.”
JOSH: Who the hell are you?
FIGURE: I’m someone you already know, quite well. I’m very close to you, you might say.
JOSH: Who are you!
FIGURE: I’m merely….. That One Guy.
===================================
To be continued……
District 9 is super cool!
No easy answers offered, but the action is intense and the basic story is about real (?) characters, so it’s a welcome addition to the summer.
I never liked prawn before… and I don’t think I’m gonna start eating ‘em after seeing this film.
#764 :: A CLIFFHANGER? HOW DARE YOU. Dx That is the numero uno meanest thing a writer can do to his or her readers.
(..It’s something I do frequently. ^__^;;;)
That One Guy (”Figure”) seems like the “smoking man” off of X-Files. Or that bald guy they keep showing on Fringe but he never says anything. xD
766:
Christine:
The greatness of a cliffhanger depends quite a bit on the payoff.
“Best of Both Worlds,” considered by some as the greatest cliffhanger in TV history, had two concluding episodes written, as Patrick Stewart was renegotiating his contract at the time. Luckily, he stuck around.
766,
Fringe is an amazing show! I cannot wait for it to come back in September. And now that Nimoy’s attached to the cast, it should be even better. As for the character, I have something planned with him. There shall be more of it tonight around 8pm EST. So stick around! It’s about to get interesting.
#767 :: Heheh, ain’t that the truth?
Wait, what? This is news to me. I think I would’ve lost it if I’d gone through seasons 6 and 7 without Picard. So, yeah, luckily is right! I like Riker okay, but… come on. It’s Picard we’re talking about. ;3 And my parents always liked Picard best… hehe.
Unlike TOS, TNG did not have as strong a “Number One.” Picard really gave a certain weight to that show that would have been lost had PS left.
TOG: Waiting on that new episode…
#770 :: My thoughts exactly! Thanks for putting that in words in a way I can’t. ^_^;; Honestly, I think TNG would have lost popularity had Picard been killed off… or assimilated permanantly… or whatever the alternate ending for “The Best of Both Worlds” (God, every time I type that I think of Miley Cyrus) would have been.
As for recently, let Riker have his Titan, hehe.
And I second that last comment. That would be around… 7 PM my time. That’s seven hours away. xP
The second part of the story has been completed and will be delivered at 8 tonight.
===========================
TEASER TRAILER FOR PART 2:
——————————————————–
TOG: The universe you know exists in a realm where, for every possibility, there are an infinite number of outcomes.
——————————————————–
TOG: There are interlopers, dreaded souls that shift between the planes of the Multiverse.
——————————————————–
JOSH: Wormholes.
——————————————————–
TOG: You are to join our task force. We will begin at the focal point of these events.
——————————————————–
WOMAN: I’m Denise de Arman. Nice to meet you.
My computer was down for the last two days, but I’M BACK, BABY!!
The last time my computer was down, I cleaned my whole house. Sometimes, it’s a good thing.
#773 :: Welcome back! Glad you’re with us again. *^__^*
Poor Harry – your computer was down for two days? I think I would have to scream bloody hell…
AJ#774- No, I would not clean my house…
TOG#772- Cannot wait to see what my part in your story entails – does it, perchance, involve me getting it on with a certain Vulcan we all know and love?
Tha’ blue skies turn ta’ grey so fast
Ye’ hardly have time ta’ upright yer’ mast
AJ has Kirk chasin’ Spockie’s arse
Harry’s computie wuzn’t built ta’ last
Perhaps it needed some Pyscho-therapy… (Mother! Fix that machine! I gotta go help this woman in her shower…. vreeee vreeeee vreeeeeee)
Now TOG writes stuff and makes us wait
What else have I ta’ do but masterb… uhhhhhh… lift weight
Shippin’ Trekkie stories oof as iffi they be frieght
But no one wants McFadden’s red, red Gates…
Stories be Roddenberry heresy… (As an ex- cop, I don’t think Spock’s actions are yet legal in most states.)
And tha’ ship be assailin’ oof ta’ who knows what
At least I stills got me cork in me butts
That District 9 film drove me all well futts
Ran oot’ ta’ get Nimoy a jolt fur’ his… uhhhhhh… heart medication
Named me pet wee starling aftar’ Clarice… (Tweet tweet check out my tweeter page… guy makes me eat seeds off his-)
It be Saturnday… guess I should give a pub song round ta’ “A Mother’s Love’s a Blessing…”
As Joyce wrote (sort o’) “A quark o’ whiskey all around…”
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
It is now 8 o’clock. Time for part 2!
——————————————————–
——————————————————–
JOSH: Who the hell are you?
FIGURE: I’m someone you already know, quite well. I’m very close to you, you might say.
JOSH: Who are you!
FIGURE: I’m merely….. That One Guy.
============================
Majel Barrett Roddenberry’s Voice:
[AND NOW THE CONTINUATION….]
JOSH: You’re—you’re me!
THAT ONE GUY: Yes. I am your alter ego. I inhabit this place as its architect.
JOSH: Why?
TOG: The universe you know exists in a realm where, for every possibility, there are an infinite number of outcomes. Sometimes the changes in universes occur only on the subatomic level, while in others, you and I rule the galaxy as father and son.
JOSH: But I’m you….
TOG: Point aside. I watch over the different possibilities here, making sure that everything goes exactly as it should.
JOSH: If everything that can happen does happen, doesn’t that mean that everything happens in every way? How exactly can anything GO wrong?
TOG: There are interlopers, dreaded souls that shift between the planes of the Multiverse. If they interfere, the delicate tapestry that makes up everything becomes twisted and mangled. It is my sworn duty to protect that tapestry by sealing the gaps between realities.
JOSH: So who are these “interlopers?”
[TOG swivels his chair to face one the larger walls. Several of the screens connect to show three silhouettes, two of them male, and one female.]
TOG: In the late 27th century, Earth is in ruins after the Second Romulan War. Starfleet is dissolved for the time, Earth has undergone a fourth World War, and the Federation is on the brink of destruction. On Earth, the British Naval Intelligence had developed a way to travel immense distances using neither warp or slipstream technology.
JOSH: Wormholes.
TOG: In a way, yes. And as we know, wormholes allow for travel through space and time. Naturally, this kind of technology goes horribly awry when it’s in the wrong hands.
JOSH: If plot devices like that didn’t happen, neither of us would be here.
TOG: Precisely. One of the Intelligence officers there became greedy and decided to use the technology for his own purposes. Naturally, that made my life infinitely more difficult. Do you realize how hard it is to keep someone from doing something when you have the entire timeline already written down in front of you and they’ve already done it?
JOSH: I’m guessing fairly difficult.
TOG: Yes. And now this British Naval Rogue is gallivanting throughout the multiverse raiding anything and everything he can get his hands on, which is creating universes that shouldn’t have happened.
JOSH: Just like Nero in Star Trek XI.
TOG: It is strangely familiar to that incident, yes.
JOSH: So where do I come in?
TOG: You are to join our task force. We will begin at the focal point of these events.
[A knock is heard through the door opposite of the one JOSH entered from]
TOG: That is one of our agents now. She is one of our best and brightest. She’ll be showing you how to run the gauntlet, so to speak.
[The door opens, revealing a tall, attractive woman with long dark hair, wearing sunglasses and a black pleather jumpsuit. She looks around the room, at the newest arrival, and grins.]
WOMAN: I’m Denise de Arman. Nice to meet you.
Denise in black leather….I’ll take it.
I just watched a DS9 ep called “In the Pale Moonlight.”
If you don’t know DS9 at all, this is one wonderful ‘Star Trek’ episode. Massive. Avery Brooks does his personal log facing the camera, and unveils an amazing story which involves Garak and bringing the Romulans into the war. I was just blown away by it. Well done.
#781 :: Oh, I love that episode. It’s not my numero uno favourite from DS9, but it’s at least in the top five or so. ^^ Very, VERY strong performances. I think “Pale Moonlight” really showed the heart and soul of what DS9 really meant as a series. Also, in my opinion, it may have been Avery Brooks’ best performance as Sisko, or one of them.
And I loved the Romulan (forgot his name): “IT’S A FAAAAAKE.” Sounded like a snake during that line.. or Lord Voldemort… (♥)
Oh Senator Vreenak, how we miss you.
That is by and large my favorite DS9 episode. It just shows the incredible power that Trek actors have with their characters.
Oh, nearly forgot, TOG: Really awesome second part to the ever-intriguing adventure you’ve sent us on. :D Almost seems like a cool spinoff of the Temporal Cold War (that was completely pointless) in ENT.
#783 :: And I think that was a lot of the beauty of Star Trek as a whole. Too many scifis rely on plots and storylines without bringing out the stars of the TV show itself: The actresses and actors. That’s one of the reasons I love DS9, is because I really think the acting was good in that series. =)
Sir Paul did Atlanta tonight.
I only got to see it from inside a TV News control room, but he looks good. What’s with these old farts from the 60’s, still beboppin’ all over the place? Oh, and it’s the anniversary of Woodstock, too. (Maybe the brown ones were good for ya afterall.)
784:
Christine:
I have always had a dislike for DS9. Star Trek left the format of our heroes being on a ship, and they put forward two uninteresting races (Bajorans and Cardassians as the ersatz Jews and Arabs of our world. Then, they decided to extrapolate on the ‘Founders”-based religion without the chops to make it sound like anything less than a high-school cult.
They seemed to hit a stride at some point, and that ep, chosen by me at random, seems to be in the thick of it. Avery Brooks is terrific to the point that I’d say he eclipses Patrick Stewart at this best. In this episode.
Shakespeareans….Lets’s hope Mr. Pine can keep up!.
785:
Do tell, CmdrR. He’s apparently always a great one to see. What Beatles songs did he do? Wings?
Avery Brooks eclipse Patrick Stewart? Not even on his BEST day!!!!!!
788:
Give the ep a try. He really shines.
#786 :: Really? I’ve found I sometimes prefer DS9 to TNG… A lot of that’s because I find I can relate to a lot more in DS9, and so it makes it more enjoyable for me. I wasn’t too crazy about the whole Prophets and the Pah Wraiths and “the Sisko” and all that part of the plot, but I loved the Dominion War and the characters overall. To me, DS9 and ENT felt the most… “real”, I guess, if you get what I mean.
Oh, and both series made me bawl my eyes out on more than two or three occasions. So brownie points there. (”What You Leave Behind”, DS9, and “Terra Prime”, ENT… Grab the Kleenex box.. or two!)
DS9 is my favorite Trek after TOS. Liked that it followed an arc story-wise and always thought the cast as a whole was the strongest of ANY Trek show. All good actors. And Avery – damn! Fine.
My Trek’s better than your Trek!
bwahahahaahahahaha!
AJ, I know McCartney kicked off with “Drive My Car,” because it was a green concert and they asked fans to take mass transit. He sang for 2 1/2 hours. I won’t know what else he sang until I find the pirated recordings at the used cd shop.
790,
I know what you mean. The whole “The Sisko” thing got annoying. I mean, I’ve watched Trek enough of my life to understand the concept of non-linear time, but come on! It just got old after a while.
But the Dominion War was sheerly amazing. Easily, those are the best battle scenes in all of Trekdom. Not even the Neroverse topped that yet. I’d like to think they will, though. The Battles of Chin’Toka are easily my favorites. I nearly cried when the Defiant was destroyed. Such a nice, tough little ship.
TNG, DS9, and VOY are all in a VERY close race for 1st on my list. Then followed closely (about 10 feet if this were an Indy500 race) is TOS with ENT barely off of the starting line.
DS9’s religious stuff was pretty silly. The prophets seemed like mystical morons who could not comprehend linear time.
In the few latter period eps I’ve watched, I’ve enjoyed Avery Brooks as a wartime Captain, conflicted as he has to post the casualty list, and hoping he’ll never get used to it.
I saw McCartney perform twice in Toronto. Once in 1976 with Wings and again in the early 1990’s at the Air Canada Centre. Both were great shows. He makes every effort to give people their money’s worth!
I know it’s all subjective as to which actors we like, but I really don’t care for Avery Brooks. If he played a minor character on a Trek show I wouldn’t care, but when it comes to who portrays the Captain, I prefer somebody who has at least a hint of CHARISMA. Shatner had it, Stewart had it….I don’t feel any of it in Brooks. Sure, in some of the more dramatic episodes he could be technically efficient in “barking” his lines, but in most episodes he looked like he was half-grinning, rattling off his lines with a smirk on his face as if the material was beneath him. Unimpressive! Too bad they didn’t cast somebody with REAL acting chops!
(sorry, AJ, I guess we have different opinions on this one)
#791 :: Agreed. I really, really loved TOS, and it would probably be numero uno in my list if not for Season 3… I’m sorry, but it was all just so ridiculous to me. ^__^;; It had a few good moments, but I wasn’t that impressed.
#793 :: And not to mention the whole ordeal with Dukat going completely insane. (I thought he looked way better as a Cardassian, anyways…) However, I must say this: I loved the design of the Fire Caves. I thought they looked pretty epic.
“..ENT barely off of the starting line.”
Oh! You break my heart. I adored the Xindi Arc (beat-up NX-01 = epic) and season four to no end. I even liked some parts of seasons 1 and 2 (I thought “Carbon Creek” was awesome). Not to mention I love Michael Martin and Andy Mangel’s “The Good That Men Do – Kobayashi Maru – The Romulan War” trilogy kind of thing. The first two were some of the first ‘Trek books I ever read, and the anticipation for “Romulan War” is nearly killing me.
797,
There were some really good ENT episodes, but the majority of it to me was simply unimpressive. I nearly vomited after hearing the theme back in 2001. SO awful….. Who the frak thought it was a good idea to use that wheezy singing for a Trek theme?!
Season 4 was actually good, and I would’ve loved to see a Season 5. Unfortunately, it died with 2 million viewers on an obscure channel. Had they done it NOW on CBS, it would’ve done quite well, I think. It was a great concept that just failed because of Trek overexposure.
It’s the same thing that’s happening to Star Wars now. There’s just been a ton of it, and we’re all sick of Lucas.
Not to mention the last 3 Star Wars movies by Lucas sucked canal water!!
Also, I’ve read bits and pieces of the ENT books, and I like what I’ve seen. The stuff I’ve actually read all the way through generally comes through the Mirror Universe stuff. I guess it’s because the weak actors aren’t there anymore, and the writers are top-of-the-line.
Bakula bored me to tears.
Harry,
Revenge of the Sith wasn’t half bad, so long as you ignore all the parts with Hayden Christianson.
TOG#779- Sounds as if you have been going through my closet…
And Scott Bakula bored me too, in the few ENT eps I watched.
Denise,
Yeeeaaaah, bout that…. meant to tell you that Herc was around your area yesterday so I had him raid your house. Sorry. He said he particularly liked the whip. Diamond-studded is so hard to find nowadays.
I’m debating on another section or if I’m taking the day off.
#798 :: Strangely, I love that song. Just not really as a ‘Trek theme.
I think Seasons 5 and maybe beyond could have been so, so impressive. And, let’s face it: DS9 and TNG didn’t really pick up speed until their 3rd and 4th seasons, either… Well, TNG, anyways.
I didn’t watch it until the series was over and they started running repeats (shows you just how late I got into the franchise) but I would’ve still liked to see more. And the ratings were actually quite good; they just didn’t get enough viewers!
#799 :: Amen. What happened to the awesomeness of IV, V, and VI?
#800 :: I never really did get into the whole “MIrror Universe” concept. Everyone just loves it to death, but me… Eh. Maybe I just need to get more familiar with it.
And I thought Bakula was an all right actor. I was always really impressed with guest star Jeffrey Combs (Shran), Jolene Blalock (T’Pol), and John BIllingsley (Phlox). Even Connor Trinneer had some good moments, especially in season 3.
TOG#803- Hmm… thought it looked as if my bustiers had been fondled… or tried on… and the diamonds on my whip are fake – sorry. It makes little difference in the execution of said whip, however…
Denise,
Meh, Zircon vs. real, they may not be quite the same chemically, but they hurt just as much.
Christine, don’t think too much of our Enterprise bashing. Most people hate Voyager, yet I absolutely love it. I guess it’s just the Trek that you grow up on that you love the most. I didn’t watch DS9 and TNG until repeats were going on Spike TV, then I watched both series multiple times. I really need to see TOS at some point. I had the second season for a while on iTunes, but it was lost with my old harddrive….. Fortunately I got through the entire thing before it went poof. I’ll go back and buy them on a physical disc next time, probably blu-ray when I get around to it.
As for Enterprise, one day I’ll suck it up and watch them all. After all, they are Trek. Who am I to discriminate against a minority?
For those who like Jeff Combs, I dare you to go rent “Re-Animator,” the cult splatter classic that was his professional debut. It is not for the squeamish. It is one of the goriest horror films you will ever see. But it has its tongue firmly in cheek, and Combs is in true psychotic form.
806/TOG:
Watch TOS now.
http://www.cbs.com/classics/star_trek/
They’re not the new HD versions, but they’re free to watch from CBS.
#806 :: Ah, well, I suppose a lot of it is that I value your guys’ opinions. You know, “respect your elders” and all. Not that you guys are old or anything.
And… you haven’t seen TOS yet? Really? I find that quite shocking. It was the first series I started watching, after “The Search for Spock” got me completely hooked on ‘Trek. x3
#807 :: Ew… God… I hate those gory, gory films. I could probably handle it, but… I may, if I’ve absolutely no other things to watch. ^__^;;
Art Update:
http://www.lugia.us/oekaki2/pictures/OP_784.png
I just spent about two hours straight… complete with minimal blinking… on that stupid picture. It’s my first complete picture of Odo’s.. face. That, and it was on a cheap online drawing program (haha love them) so I’m really quite pleased with the result. I got a little shading-happy with the airbrush, haha.
http://www.lugia.us/oekaki2/viewani.php?recno=784
That link takes you to a way to watch me in action, per se. It’s a recorded drawing… thing.. of how I drew it. So yeah. Pretty cool.
Yes, yes, I’m in the minority but I did like Enterprise. Found it in SciFi Channel re-runs. Everybody can agree, I think, that it didn’t really find itself until the fourth season and by then it was too late. Poor Scott Bakula—he was the Opie of starship captains, alright. But the beagle was cute. And you could strand me on a deserted island with Conner Trinneer anytime.
I’m having fun with John Billingsley’s small role as the coroner on True Blood. Latest lines, while in jail:
Sam: “What are you in here for?”
Mike (Bilingsley): “They say I sodomized a pine tree?”
Sam: “Why would you do that?”
MIke: “I don’t know. I don’t remember. But it must be true, my p***er is all scratched up.”
809:
Looks like Odo as a teenager! It doesn’t show the curmudgeonly side of him at all. He seems happy. Nice job!
“Re-Animator” is amped-up gore, for its own sake. So you have to understand why that’s funny, or you’ll be repulsed by it.
#801 “ignore all the parts with Hayden Christianson”
Funny thing about Hayden C.
For ten years I managed a real estate brokerage in Thornhill, Ontario (just north of Toronto). One of the agents there is good friends with his mother and she had seen Hayden perform in a number of high school productions.
I, personally, agree with you that the kid doesn’t have any talent!
I made a gallery of “Trek” vids on a website called getback.com. Mostly parodies and funny/fun stuff.
http://www.getback.com/gallery/star-trek/3002250/0/
Their “Trek” section is weak, and Anthony even chimed in for a good tongue-lashing, if you can find it. The link should work, I hope.
#805: Ok, so I go away for a weekend, and I get accused of breaking and entering, burglary, cross-dressing, and s&m (I actually graduated from a S&M high school ;-) (haha, think about it, Denise might know what I’m talking about and I’m sure that TOG does)) Well, as for the bustier, I had to guestimate whether or not it would fit TOG :). And the Whip, well, it will work out.
TOG: I’m too lazy to go back up to the number, but keep up the story. :) (no matter how it ends, it has to be better than twilight)
And just for general knowledge, being on a boat/tubing/swimming is exhausting!
And a brief addendum, that boating experience was with a 6-year old niece, talk about tiring!
#811 :: Thanks! That was kind of what I was going for there. It’s a funny thing, with his face… The slightest change in the mouth or the eyes and you’ve got a totally different expression. Came with the mask that makes his face so ridiculously hard to draw… You don’t want to see my practice sketches from a few months ago.
I’d like to draw the rock-hard side of his personality, as well. xD Perhaps one of those famous Odo/Quark moments? They were there right from the beginning:
“The man is a gambler and a thief.”
“I’m not a thief.”
“You are a thief!”
And I think I see what you’re saying about the movie. But it’s got to be somewhat better than the first Friday the 13th movie. (or, one of the first) I remember watching that a couple Halloweens ago, and it was SOOO ridiculously corny.
Now, a pretty bloody movie? “Mirrors”. Oh, gawd. I had to close my eyes a couple times, like when the mirror images were making the people rip themselves apart… ew! If anyone’s seen it, you know what I mean.
“Ok, so I go away for a weekend, and I get accused of breaking and entering, burglary, cross-dressing, and s&m.”
Welcome to Chat, how can I help you?
And as you’ve already seen by now, most likely, this is now my FB status, simply because that is easily one of the best one-liners I’ve ever seen.
Wow, Harry! You ripped Bryan Singer a new one on the “Movie” thread.
I agree that “Superman” needed a new direction. Singer just loved the Richard Donner films so much that he decided to make one himself.
And the fact that movie Lex Luthor loses every time made this time all the more tedious to watch.
Morning all.
Weekly dose of Gloom & Doom…
The Plant just gave 75% of the workforce Warn Notices that say that if the workload doesn’t pick up in 60 days, sayonara. Some of them have been 20 and 30 or more years.
My self and my cube-mate are Contract workers, so we could be cut loose at any time.
How’s that for a shitty Monday?
819:
Yuck. Whatever industry you’re in, I am sure the bosses forecast way out beyond 60 days, so that’s probably a done deal. Good luck.
I work for a company that builds those big, 300-some-odd foot tank barges, AJ, you know, like you see on rivers being towed or pushed by tugs.
I’m in the Engineering Dept. as a CAD Designer and I’m the Yard Lliason (sp?). My cube mate is one of the Admins.
We have, according to management, work on the schedule for about the next four to six weeks, but the Engineering Manager said he could get a phone call at any time and have to cut us loose on the spot. They assured us that this is a “worse case scenario” but it still scares the hell out of me.
Mondays blow. I’m really sorry about that, Beach. Hopefully it won’t happen. We can only hope that the economy picks up soon rather than later.
822:
Thanks, Cub. I’ll be hitting Craigslist or Monster or Careerbuilder as soon as I am able, ‘cos the last time I was outta work five focking weeks…
Loved your story, BTW…
821:
Is it that tank barges are being replaced by an alternative mode of transport, or has the recession simply reduced demand? Perhaps shipping companies are repairing and re-using rather than replacing existing equipment. It’s easier to budget for Repairs and Maintenance than Capital Expenditures when sales volume becomes a sinking variable.
With things rumored to be slowly “turning around,” does the company expect to survive by laying off workers? Or is it just a way to cut loose older ones with pensions and benefits so they can hire cheaper ones later?
824:
–Reduced demand has a lot to do with it, I think, AJ, but right now I think the customers’ biggest problem is getting financing. With the banking industry in the shat like it is, that may be a bigger problem for some than others.
–Repair/Reuse seems likely. I’m not certain of the actual working lifespan of one of these steel barges, but I have heard talk of them lasting two and three decades before they need replacing.
–I can’t speak about whether or not the company specifically targeted older, tenured workers in their layoffs. I’m Contract, so I am not privy to the particulars.
–It’s been on the wind lately about one of our larger customers being ready to pull the trigger on a muliple-barge contract, among others, so it’s just a question of when. My engineering mgr seems to think that that is so, and that it’s just a matter of someone putting pen to paper and signing off on contracts to get work in here. We’ll see.
–I’m still gonna start fishing, though. CYOA, right?
‘Beach:
Spell it out. Cover Your Own Ass.
I’m still looking for work, and even went to Iraq to look for something. Times are tough.
Beach- I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I will be sending positive thoughts your way, my darling.
AJ:
Yep. Cover Mine Own Ass. You got that right. I intends to do just dat…
What business/industry are you in, sir, that it’s so tough to find a job?
827:
Thanks ever so much, dear one. That means a great deal to me.
On another note entirely, are we quite recovered from our little expedition to Vague Ass?
827:
Further…
…should I have gone along as a bodyguard…..?
‘Beach:
I spent 15 years in consumer goods, 3 with Pepsi in Russia doing operations and sales management, 1 with Snapple International, and 11 in tobacco, 9 with a large British company called Gallaher (in Russia, Poland and Sweden as a VP. They were bought out.) and nearly two with a small Norwegian tobacco company as MD, Scandinavia which ran oit of cash.
I’m getting the distinct impression that my resume puts me at a management level which has been reduced by many large companies, and I have scraped my contacts list dry (they’re all out there as well). The recession sucks.
#818
I like ripping people a new one who deserve it!
#819
‘Beach, sorry to hear about that! Sounds like you may have to “change the conditions of the test”!
#831
AJ, you have an impressive resume! Just an obvious point, but have you sent your c.v. to every international head office of every company in your respective industry? They will see that you are accustomed to moving to different countries, which is, I would think, an uncommon trait/attribute.
AJ:
I reach. I have been in the construction (and by extension, manufacturing) fields for 12 years now, in the engineering/office side of things, six years as a professional cook, and four years Army, and that gives me a widely diverse resume, and makes me sometimes difficult to place at least in this field.
All that puts me at an experience level that makes it extraordinarily difficult to land work. I can’t remember when I interviewed with the actual company to land a job. At this level it seems it’s always through headhunters.
832:
Thanks, HB.
Pardon any naivete this may convey on my part, but what is a “c.v.”?
AJ+Beach
our economy in Canada is considerably better than most other places. I’m not familiar with your respective industries, but it might be worth exploring….we have good beer up here!
834
Not naive at all…..it simply means curriculum vitae, a latin phrase meaning a person’s resume. Snobs, like me, tend to use that phrase!
Beach, I’m sorry to hear about this. Nothing like nerve-wracking news on a Monday!
And in the realm of nerve-wracking…I have a job interview on Thursday. OMG OMG OMG. I’m trying not to put too much hope into it, since I’ve been through several of these without success. I’m trying to move in a new direction career-wise and as you all can attest, it’s not always easy to break through. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?
Gawd this is depressing.
Somebody change the subject STAT!!!!
837: Hellloooooooo, Nella!
I have often thought of jumping tracks, too, but it always seems to come down to a money issue. Yeah, i’d love to go be a, say, writer or something else I would enjoy doing, but the money is never there to support the lifestyle, ya know?
Sex.
I know, it’s a novel approach to changing the subject, but I’m reasonably sure people here can handle it.
Sex or work?
Hmmmmmmmm, hey, how about combining the two? SCREW WORK!
841,
Actually, in Guam, there are people who’s job it is to go around deflowering young virgin women, because it is forbidden for them to marry as a virgin.
So, who wants to go to Guam?
I ain’t nibbling at this one!
there once was a good job in Guam
popping cherries, followed by balm
there be virgins galore
but, boy, are you sore
it takes everything just to stay calm!
844:
Whadda caknucklehead!
in the bastardised words of the Three Stooges…………….
caknuck, caknuck, caknuck……
I just ordered my con pic with Gowron in New Jersey.
Yes, Harry, I’ve run my CV around the world several times, including via friends in the companies. It’s just awful out there at the moment.
As for Canadian beer, are the companies even Canadian anymore?
I know you wanted to change the subject dear Beach, but I had to chime in with my sympathies. I am SO sorry about your situation.
#847
I don’t care who owns the companies as long as the beer tastes GOOOOOD!!
It’s hot as a beeyotch here in NYC today. Air quality is on the border between “poor” and “unhealthy.” Typical late summer.
Hot here in Toronto!
Which, our dear Katie, if she would ever check in, could corroborate!
#842 :: Good Lord. I’m so happy I don’t live in Guam. I’d probably lock myself in a closet all day to avoid being… “deflowered” before marriage.
——-
I have happy news and sad news.
My happy news is that I ordered a super-fabulous (well, I think so) DS9 t-shirt off of Ebay and that it should be in by the end of this week. :D So I’m really quite excited for that.
My sad news is that I’ll be going back to school tomorrow, which means less time to hang out on Trekmovie and draw and write and such. Anyone think I could get away with a ‘Trek fic for a project in my Creative Writing class..? ;3
Christine
why are you going back to school so early?
as to your writing question….if you change all the names and revamp it just a bit, you could probably claim it’s a sci-fi world you thought up all by yourself, no?
852:
I can’t recall if you’re going into junior or senior year, but if your school offers it, you have to begin looking at AP courses in English. Go for Composition if it’s offered. When you go to college, you can start in sophomore-level English classes.
As for your question, the teacher may think Trek fiction is odd, but you won’t know until you ask.
We’re not going anywhere here in CHAT, so don’t worry about us!
Harry,
Most schools start right around this time in the States. When do they usually go back up North? I know I don’t go back to OSU for another month or so.
Christine,
Listen to AJ. AP classes are great thing to take. They show you a good bit of what college is like. Actually, they can be a bit harder than college classes, depending on the subject. The ones worth taking are AP Chem, English, Bio, and Calc. It seems like a lot, but it’s worth it. Less work in college! Meaning: you get to sleep in more often!
It’s worth it.
Yes Christine, AP Classes are GREAT! I would also add AP Physics if you are going into the sciences as well as either AP US History or European History (particularly US) as those could get you out of any history classes or atleast minimize them unless you really want to take them (mostly paper/essay based evaluation) In addition to the less work, you can get priority scheduling quicker (no 7:30 classes!) and maybe even qualify for a parking permit quicker (depending on the school).
As for school starting this early, I know that before a state law got passed around 4-5 years ago, I started school around Aug. 5. Now they have to wait until this week basically. I know that pre-college schools started today, and most of the colleges around me start later this week. It might be because of the semester system, because OSU is on quarters, so I don’t know what they run on way up north there. ;-)
852: Actually, back in the dim, dark days of prehistory when I was in high school, I did my AP English thesis on social themes in Star Trek. Got an A, the top award in English, and the teacher saved the thesis as an example of “how to do it right”. So you never know!
#853 :: Um, because my parents are making me? No, no, it’s just how the school system is set up. And we get out, like, May 20th, I think. So whatever.
Yeah, I was just kidding, but you’ve got a point.
#854 :: Junior year, yup, and I’m taking two AP courses this upcoming year, and probably three my senior year. And, whaddaya know, I’m taking AP Language and Composition this year, haha!
Mr. Larson (teacher of Creative Writing) is pretty cool, so I dunno. He could probably stand some science fiction, maybe. That’s good enough for me.
#855 :: (Wow, all this advice! But you guys are starting to sound like my parents..) I’m going to try to take AP Bio next year, but it takes up a lot of room on my schedule… two periods. I won’t be able to get into AP Calc, unfortunately… math’s not my forte.
#856 :: Yup, taking AP World History this year and AP US History next year… Because the teacher is freakin’ awesome. I had him for my freshman year History class. As for the parking spot… I’ll probably be aiming for a dorm at UNL (where I really, really, REALLY want to go… cheaper tickets to Husker football games!!! ♥) but a spot might be nice.
#857 :: That is really cool! Last year, for every English theme I did, I stuck in a quote from Star Trek or some other related ‘Trek thing in the theme. And you know what? For each one, my teacher wrote something along the lines of “good quote” in the margin. That would totally make my day… Oh, and the fact that I got an “A” on each one. Let’s hope my AP English teacher (who I had Freshman year for a class, too…) likes quotes.
858:
I did an AP Comp essay on punk rock, which was still fairly new in 1981, and I called it “Five Years of Anarchy, Chaos and Destruction,” a quote I xeroxed right off of a record album cover. It covered post-war UK urban blight and how the conservative movement in England led to an entirely alienated class of working class youth who heard US punks like the Ramones, grabbed guitars and started a musical revolution. My teacher said “when you get it published, send me a copy.”
I absolutely adored punk rock, and I had no idea if my teacher would like it or just tell me to take a hike. What that told me was “if its worth writing about, write it.” Just get into the class.
The AP history courses are no less intensive than normal history courses. There are no “extra facts” for AP students. You just have to know them all for the test. Sounds like you’ll be cramming for a few. Good luck!
A typical high school year in Canada runs from the first week in September until the latter part of June.
Hey, it says that Leonard Nimoy is going to be at the Trek Convention here in Toronto on August 29-30!
I’ll only believe it when I see it confirmed the day before! Over the years the Cons held in Toronto promise big names and then cancel them at the last minute!
If Nimoy IS coming here can the lovely Denise be far behind?
(cue the music from Jaws)
Why the music from Jaws? Are you planning on stalking Nimoy to get close to Denise? Do you know how many have tried this before and failed?
Actually, I was in contact with her recently, and she wasn’t looking at Toronto as an option. I only read about it today myself.
I can understand if Denise doesn’t want to come to Toronto……
Schools here in Phoenix started the first week of August, poor things. But heh, at least the classrooms have A/C.
Home sick, day 2. Not like me at all.
864:
Thank you for yor thoughts, dear Lixy.
My son went back to school just last Friday. This is his first full week of fourth grade. Luckily not so hot as Phoenix. High eighties and rainy. The humidity kills though.
Can I stay home sick with you? I have the mother of all headaches…
Anybody know whether DragonCon has posted a schedule of when the guests will appear?
DragonCon?
Who’s draggin’ Khan?
They task him.
They task him, and he shall have them…
Beeeeeeach, my… OLD… friend!
Mullet, you’ll come blastin’ on my front shields
Just because I thawed you out before
I said ya… well… what am I supposed to do
I didn’t know what I was getting into
So you’ve had a little trouble on Earth
Now you’re feeding bugs with Chekov’s nerves
Stop draggin my…
Stop draggin my…
Stop draggin my Khan around
ok… moving on…
STUDENT: That doesn’t sound like Tom Petty on the radio… what is he singing- about hot dogs?
INSTRUCTOR BND: Awwwwwwwwk! Turn that radio oof! Ye’ wanna learn how ta’ drive or nots?
STUDENT: Ok, ok… check mirrors, put in drive, foot on brake, call Betsy on cell phone…
INSTRUCTOR BND: Awwwwwwwk! Yer’ on tha’ wrong bleedin’ side o’ tha’ road, lass! Move o’er left!
STUDENT: Uhhhhhh… we’re on the right side.
INSTRUCTOR BND: Dat’s what I means! Move o’er left!
STUDENT: That garbage truck is going to hit us!
(truck rips into passenger side shooting BND skyward along with several bags of duck guts)
INSTRUCTOR BND: Awwwwwwwwwwk! Iffi ye’ got a kidney and spleen ta’ spare, ye’ pass, lass!
STUDENT: (on telephone) Yeah, Betsy, this guy is the worst… what? No, you can’t borrow my pink top…
INSTRUCTOR BND: Ohhhhhhh… I just danced wit’ tha’ devil in tha’ pale moonlight… best delete this here incident from me logbook afore me boss sees it…
(later, BND in a wheelchair and body cast speaks to his boss at the driving academy, a straw pokes up from a hole in the cast’s crotch)
PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON: Look, Mr. Dude, I am so very afraid I will have to let you go.
INSTRUCTOR BND: What? By God, man- ye’ got more cars! I’m here ta’ shape young minds on traffic and merging and cuttin’ blokes oof and jumpin’ Dodge Chargers and such.
PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON: Well, it sadly seems that one of our student’s mothers feels you… well… that you made an unwanted frolic towards her.
INSTRUCTOR BND: Nigh! I just wanted me pants washed up is all! Handed ‘em ta’ her fur’ launderin’… furgot I furgot me BVDs…
PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON: It seems you as well violated one of her singularly enchanting yard gnome ornaments.
INSTRUCTOR BND: That prat wuz’ musclein’ in on Priceline Negotiator’s terrrrrritory! Look, maybe I needs a vacation-like… can ye’ send me ta’ Honn’alee?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Priceline Negotiator: (pulling on his boots) Was it good for you?
Travelocity Gnome: Am I going to die?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
871:
Orbitz Hovercraft Guy: “Hey, think one of you guys can fit me in?”
Priceline Negotiator and Travelocity gnome look at each other, smiling.
God this is awful. Where’s Gene’s vision?
Christine,
In the last 5 years, I have not had a SINGLE paper, poem, or assignment that was not named after or included some sort of blatant Trekism. Most every single one has been named after either a book or an episode. If ever I can’t think of a good topic to tackle, I just go through a list of Trek eps and books to see if anything inspires me. And thus far, it has worked every single time.
Some people say that I should drop Trek. And that’s when I went Spock in XI on them…..
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep
Miles O’Brien ta’ go…
Soooooo… Keep up tha’ good work, young ones… read and learn.
JANEWAY: Uck. Why are we always stuck at this kiddie table?
SISKO: I was bare-bitten and divided in my good intentions. Yet, here I am, dining with the fleet’s “kill her crew” captain.
PICARD: Ahhhhh, what a lovely affair. I am honored to sit with you at this table as they hand out our Golden Sonic Shower awards. Think I’ll win? I baited Denise Crosby to believe I was a toidy this year. Oh, my, the pomp and flourishes after her fifth tequila…
KIRK: Get the hell away from my table.
SPOCK: I am sorry, Frenchman, Jim just… is particular. He is the first captain and…
PIKE: Hey- me and Captain April want yous guys ta’ clear the room! We got green puEDITED on tap and, well, men really dig going where everyman has gone before… costs us less quatloos that way…
KIRK: But I introduced love… and appendages… to more first time contacts than any other starfleet officer. I AM CAPTAIN KIRK!
BND: That’s it! I give up! This here future is no more than whale poop. Get me a Manchester bride who’s all giddy-up on me goin’s down…
JANEWAY: When that time cop appears again, I’m going to re-institute chemical castration…. Oh, Seven, be a dear and kiss mommie goodnight in her quarters…
7 OF 9: (translated from wobbly, thing-in-cheek speach) I would, madchien, but this man called Kirk has me liplocked on his…
BND: Oh, my!
SPOCKANELLA: The only thing these faux awards are for is that I can drag BND away by his ankles.
BND: Oh, my!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Meebo is not accepting my messages. Oh, and BND, you are just so sexy I want to spread you on a cracker and swallow you whole.
So Leonardo is going to be in Toronto the 29th and 30th. Hmm… Actually, I was thinking about Dragoncon, but I dunno…
#876
You must be fun to watch at a party when they start serving the cocktail weenies!
Harry, after going to the site for the Toronto con I am actually thinking of going. There are going to be tons of guests there, and, of course, Leonardo…
#877
Denise, fair warning……the Toronto Cons tend to be mediocre at best, but if Nimoy is truly going to be here, well, that means you have to make a command decision. If I were you, I wouldn’t make any travel arrangements until you confirm FOR A FACT that Leonard Nimoy will be making his scheduled appearance.
If you do make it up here, drinks are on me!
Harry#880- Before you make that promise, you better ask AJ how many LIITs I can drink in a day – I may suck all the money out of your checking account…
Harry-
The drinks are on you because of your advances on the single women. You need to learn how to dodge better.
Oh, great! I think we’re going to see a torrent of Denise/Harry drinking jokes for the next few days now………BRING IT ON!!
#881
No worries…..just to bask in your luverly presence will make it all worth it!
Denise–
You know that when you say things like “spread you on a cracker and swallow you whole” and ” suck all the money” you only encourage Harry to get drinks on him.
But then again, I think you know that. Say something else to make Harry squirm.
Denise… I goes crunch!!!! fur’ ye’…
Oh, Canada!
If Nimoy iz’ comin’
Expect tha’ future children
Ta’ be more polite so…
SPOCK: It is logical to assume that Vulcan hockey players will find a way to beat upon one another logically without spending time in the penalty box. Besides, BND is hiding in such a penetentrial rectangle trying to collect our sweat in an attempt to create a Vulcan pheromone perfume with which he can slake the fair yet dark haired Denise.
BND: I’m also replacin’ me blood wit’ green absinthe… and putttin’ paper clips on me ears ta’ point ‘em like a teeny lass at a Brad Pitt impersonator conny-vention…
Denise’s woods are tempting, dark and deep
But I have blonge-ke promises ta’ keep
And miles and miles ta’ go before I does creep…
And Spockanella ta’ visit afore we leaks…
Such is life… such longing wit’ lil’ satisfaction… Go, tell it ta’ tha’ mountain and sing it, Mick!
JAGGER: I can’t get no sssssssaaaaaatis-faction.
But I try.
But I try.
But I try.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Harry:
Denise starts drinking before noon, generally. But she’ll forget to eat, and then, she’s toast. No wine or beer. Just booze.
I love writing innuendo on 69 Forward – you guys are all so creative while you are drooling…
And Harry, do I need a passport to get into Canada? I was there years ago, but do not know what the situation is now. My passport is not up-to-date.
Denise, I know I need my passport to get into the U.S., but I’m not sure about the reverse.
On another note I just reviewed the Dragon Con guest appearances. Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew AND Leonard Nimoy??!! Are you friggin’ kidding me?
Denise, as much as I’d love to share drinks together with you, isn’t Dragon Con a much better event for one to go to?
Patrick is going to be at DragonCon? Very cool…
BND: I declare I be goin’ ta’ Cannok-Land ta’ beers and schmooz.
BORDER GUARD: What is your name?
BND: Jean-Luc Picard!
BORDER GUARD: Uhhhh… no, really?
BND: CmdrR?
BORDER GUARD: Put him in the Klondike!
BND: Nigh! That be moose-like Siberia!
BORDER GUARD: Well, in my red bridge commander uniform. I have a better shot at Denise than you do.
BND: (on the family Johnson’s stolen cellular telephone) ‘Ello? Spockanella? Oh, I loves ye’, lass. Ye’ got a few hunert loonies ta’ bail me oot’ o’ moose prison? CmdrR’s wife wanna’ put me in some dragonquest game wherein’ I does get eated by a crystalline entity… Oh, I promise ta’ not ta’ declare me pants…
HARRY BALLZ: That’s the man that had pooed in my jacuzzi!
Now he just wants to find a Canadian floozie!
He can try to make tall and vast
But our frozen air’ll shrivels his mast
Give him Quebec just so he can say “Je pese coozie?”
I have no ideas where I am… I spruce it up thoughs…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Everybody do me a favour….go to the convention thread and click on the “dragon con” tab then scroll down to the list of T.V.+Film stars supposedly appearing. It’s mind-boggling! Have any of you ever seen such a healthy list of celebrities appearing at one event before?
Admittedly, they’re not all big names, but still……………..
I kidz cuz I loves…
CmdrR’s young wife would never…
Well…
I ams a raps-callion, no doubts…
>(scurries away for the night to seek a lime to suckle upon)<
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
#859 :: I had my first day of AP Language & Comp. today. And guess what? We had to take a comprehension test and for homework we have to write a 500-word essay. Not hard, granted, but still. It’s the first day!
Well, I suppose… “Welcome to AP English.” Not to mention I have a three-hour marching band rehearsal tonight. Yippee.\
But the day was all right. A friend and I spent the entire lunch hour trying to figure out whether (off of “Boston Legal”) Denny Crane or Alan Shore was creepier. We figured it was Alan Shore ’cause he’s less in your face. To quote her, “Alan Shore would seduce you into bed with him; Denny Crane would just drag you there.”
Yay for high school and lunchtime topics.
#865 :: Gosh.. I remember 4th grade. Well, I remember how dang easy it was, anyways. Wish your kid luck for me. ;3 It’s a great grade to be in.
#874 :: Good God, for five years?! But that’s a good idea, using the titles of ‘Trek episodes for papers… Lord knows I know almost half of ‘em…
BND, you’re in fine form today. I would drag you anywhere by your ankles, anytime.
Christine,
Oh just wait till college when all barriers are down. The term “politically correct” goes out the door the minute you step foot on campus.
Speaking of illnesses, I think I’m getting something. My bosses already dislike me, so I’m not exactly thrilled about the prospect of staying home sick. Though, business seems like it’s going to be slow, so I get sent home early anyway.
I also got a second job, one at OSU that should be MUCH better, now that I will no longer be in the food industry, thank God. I don’t know when I start that one, so I don’t want to slap my current bosses with the Two Weeks yet.
Morning all.
Still here.
Still employed.
Rumor has it that things are not as bad as at first they seemed.
Cosmic convergence time…my weight loss in pounds now equals my age in years. TOG, you’re the math guy. What’s the significance here?
Beach#896- Hope the rumours are true, dearheart.
Spockanella#897- Congratulations! Wish I could say the same – I have been dancing less over the past couple months and have put on about 8 lbs. – UGH!
897: Nella
…my weight loss in pounds now equals my age in years.
Only lost 29 lbs? Sorry to hear that!
898: Denise
Thanks. Apparently a large client is close to signing a multi-unit contract. So cross your fingers (and whatever else you can cross).
BND, AdmrR would kick both our butts… but, we’d enjoy it.
899: You’re so cute!
Harry B singing to Denise: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Denise: Dunno. Why don’t you buy me a drink and we’ll find out?
Harry B: Hmmm. I’d love to, but someone seems to have sucked my bank account dry. However, a guy with no pants left a 40 gallon drum labeled BND LIIT.
Denise: It’s empty.
Harry B: No. I just checked and it’s — (checking the drum again) it IS empty.
Denise: What else ya got, Sweetie?
Harry B: A deep sense of dread and the number of a cheap lawyer. Let’s hit the con!
#898
“Have put on about 8 lbs”
Congratulations! Have you chosen a name yet?
Harry#903- Not funny… not funny at all…
Ouch! How many LIITs will it take to get me out of the doghouse? :>)
p.s. William Shatner has been added to the stars appearing at Dragon Con!
Wuh-oh……
Harry, I would start running now, if I were you. “A deep sense of dread” is fairly accurate on this one.
897,
Me? Math? I’m not exactly the guy to run to for that.
#’s 903 and 904
Our keyboard player has what you would call a protruding midsection. He also has a tendecy to lean back and recline in chairs like a pregnant woman does, probably to relieve the stress on his back. He isn’t a fat guy by any means as he is tall and carries it pretty well, all things considered. But when he sits like that his resemblance to an expecting woman is uncanny, save for the mustache.
We are always telling him to take it easy, we’ll do the lifting as someone in his delicate condition shouldn’t overdue it. We also ask him when the due date is and offer to get him pickles and ice cream. He loves us for that. 63 years old and as strong as an ox. Retiring from the live music grind by next summer. Fantastic musician.
THX
thanks for sharing and corroborating that I meant it as a harmless joke! In return I have now incurred The Wrath Of Denise!
Yikes!
Aww Harry, who could stay mad at you?
There is an odd article about it being Frakes’ and Rodenberry’s birthday today, August 21st. Which is cool and all except that it’s the 19th.
908,
Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn. I think I’m more afraid of TWOD than I am of TWOK…
On many a hot and stormy summer’s day
I wonder how I could get 7o’9’s eyebrow plastic ta’ pop
But then I lean over and discover me weight
Another few kilos and I’ll need that thar’ Photoshop ta’ crop
Me midsection breamin’ wit’ too much beer cake
And me gin soaked brain is but fadin’ ta’ plop…
ne’er polite ta’ comment on weight on a woman… though I meself wuz’ a 9 pounder whence bourne…
Does this chattie room make me look fat?
No worries, in Canada I can go and indulge me rubenesque fantasies… what ye’ feed these Klondike lasses? See, I gots me own bone so I dunna need ta’ run it inta’ her skin-stickin’ bones thar’…
A little song
A little dance
A little meat within yer’ hourglass…
And I’ll be there
So soft and lovely
A little snog
A little prance
Of me wit’oot underpants…
Dunna diet or worry aboot that thong gone worng
Cuz’ I loves all o’ yer’ lovely form
And if it’s tha’ norm
It truly helps me ta’ perform
When I be not doin’ Skeletor…
Thar’ is something beauti-fool in every woman…
Unless’n they grow a bristle beard like birthday boy Frakes…
Ne’er mind tha’ bollocks and pounds…
Here’s me sex pistol…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Oh and Harry kidz…
Denise be lovely no matter what befalls upon her… like a 74 stone sailor explorin’ tha’ vast, indifferent caverns o’ a horizon supple and creamy and dark… Hey! Stop hittin’ me wit’ that fryin’ pan, lass!
What would really cross tha’ line were fur’ me ta’ suggest how I violated CmdrR’s yard gnome (decked oot in Dale Sr’s sunglasses) and then Number One’s lovely wife, AdmrR, did sick her cousin Kwai Chang Caine ta’ ruffle me up until I wuz’ as sick and as bruised as those NASTY-CAR fans in tha’ inner grass…
Oh, I kidz… dunna hurt me! I’m so pale and weedy!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Harry#905- I forgive you my dear… I realize that you just do not know any better…
TOG#911- TWOD?
BND#912- You should be published in Star Trek’s Literary Review… You say there is no Star Trek Literary Review? Well, you should start one…
Ahhhhhh… a literary review o’ wee old me… BND BLOGS- all aboot how I stuffed up me loo…
Hey- Ye’ know what else would cross tha’ line?
If I were ta’ hire Eddie Vedder instead o’ THX ta’ play at me bris…
Me bris, ye’ ask?
Well, it be n’er too late…
Ain’t no sin
Ta’ take off yer’ skin
And dance around in yer’ bone…
Wait… I contradict meself… I like that meat on bones… all o’ it…
Poor BND, khan-dammed ta’ have a USS Hood under his belt whilst lovin’ e’ery minute wit’ a shapely Pre-Raphealite beauty that, if her love ever wanes, could sit upon him and crush his lily-white frame…
But I’d like that…
BBW… ta’ me that means just bring bottles o’ wine…
Not thatz I needs it…
Everythin’ is beautufulz in its own way…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Denise, 914,
The Wrath of Denise.
Oh, Denise, you are a kind and benevolent Queen!
All hail, Denise!
XOXOXOXO
You guys must check out the Syler vid on the Quinto thread. Like, totally radical, man…
I saw it! I gotta know what song that is in the background before my brain gets eaten… I mean explodes.
And… **Sylar?
(OH NO! AP English has turned her into a grammar AND spelling Nazi! Run for your life!!)
Denise,
Did you know there’s a YouTube clip of Quinto making out with another guy from when he was on NoTORIous? I was happy when I found it.
903/904:
Look, I saw Denise recently, and got the “8 pounds” face-to face talk.
As a gentleman, I told her to shut up, she looks great, and buy me a drink. She did. And she does.
Learn from an expert, Harry. ;-)
919:
Christine:
I recommend, before “grammar Nazi” takes hold, you go to the library and borrow “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Google him, and you’ll see he is highly regarded amongst contemporary authors.
He avoids punctuation and grammar in a random fashion, and his story is so riveting, it doesn’t matter.
He wrote “No Country for Old Men.” And the film of “The Road” with Viggo Mortensen is coming this fall, I think.
He is not a “feel good” author by far, but his style eschews the confines of grammar ‘naziism.’ Go read it, and bring it to your teacher. It is an example where personal style is allowed to trump “Elements of Style.” And it works.
#921
Yes, well, maybe I can be a bit ham-fisted at times……,,,,show me how, Daddy!
TOG#920- I have seen it – it is utterly hot.
AJ#921- Thank you, my sweet.
923:
Harry: I already did.
In my new book! “How to Turn a Conversation with a Woman About Her Weight into Free Alcohol”
Talk about positive thinking!
AJ#925- (le giggle…)
My Mr. Kitty fell off a high counter last night and broke his tail, poor baby. He looks so odd, walking around with it down and trailing behind him. He is at the vet’s now, and I know he felt betrayed when I had to walk out and leave him there…
It’s always good to have an extra piece of tail, I always say…
Also — I know better than to comment on a woman’s weight. It’s not my business how much meat a woman has on her bones, as long as she has bones. Because when I dated that one chick who didn’t, things didn’t go so well. I said, “Hon, I think your meat to bone ratio is much too high.” She said, “blblllLLLBBBllLLbLLLBbbLL.” It took me a week to realize she wanted to break up with me.
I think I need sleep.
927:
INT VET’S OFFICE
VETERINARIAN enters. MR KITTY is sitting painfully on the exam table, looking disgusted.
VET – So, my little friend, what seems to be the trouble.
MR KITTY – Fell off the kitchen counter. I think my tail is fractured.
VET(scribbling on chart) – Oh? How did we manage that?
MR KITTY – Well, we were trying to get away from our deranged owner. She was trying to put these ridiculous plastic ears and a stupid black, bowl-haircut wig onus. Again.
VET – Explains the blue sweater your wearing. Spock fetishist, eh?
MR KITTY – Cousin, you have no idea.
VET (examines cat) – Yes, you have in fact fractured your tail. Good thing you’re a cat and not a fairy, no?
MR KITTY – Don’t make me come over there and scratch your eyes out.
FIN
I dunna know how sensitive a pussycat’s tail be…
I know of one cat that, whilst lounging on tha’ dinin’ table, had a good part o’ its tail submerged in rocket hot coffee…
Drinks it anyways…
Oh, iffa that cat could talk, what tales it’d tell
O’ BND and a juggler and a hooker named Jake
Wit’ a fondue porridge full o’ clam shell
But da’ cat wuz’ cool and n’er said a mumblin’ word…
_______
GRAMMAR NAZI: No fondue for you!
______
And now fur a wee bit o’ Egypt, it;s all concrete and cats anyways…
BRENDEN “FRASIER” CRANE: Okay, callers, let’s hear about your problems.
CALLER 1: Mrrrrrrummmmmph!
BRENDEN “FRASIER” CRANE: I said no more mummies! Quit calling in, dammit!
CALLER 2: ‘Ello thar’, first time listener, long time caller… I be BND and I have me a problem.
BRENDEN “FRASIER” CRANE: Finally- a living person. How can I help you?
CALLER 2: Well, I gots me wrapped up in this lass that’s been in tha’ desert sand fur’ nigh on 2,500 years and, well… I said ta’day that perhaps her unravelin’ strips made her look a wee pudgy and…
BRENDEN “FRASIER” CRANE: Oh my God, caller. You are a dead man. Do me a favor, after you are dead, DON’T CALL IN! Now then, another call…
CALLER 3: Grooowwwwwwwr! Currrrrrrrrrrse! Currrrrrrrrrrrrse!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
You know, the last time I started talking about pu$$y on this site I got deleted by the filth filter.
So you’ll not hear any cracks (snicker!) about broken pieces of tail (snort!!).
Anyway, when my wife complains that she has gained weight I remind her that a year ago we both weren’t sure if that was going to be an option. Then I ravish her in my tremendously manly fashion. Unfortunately, we are usually in a grocery store when this happens. They should really heat those produce sections better.
BND:
Typical Eddie Vedder crap. Always stealing my gigs. Barstard.
EDDIE VEDDER: Caaaaaan’t find a better man!
BND: I could make me a better man outta’ a banana, Eddzies.
While Charlie Rose is away, I sneak inta’ his studio and produce a borin’ PBS talkie show… feel free ta’ skip it.
BND: Hello and welcome one and all ta’ “Blabbin’ wit’ BND.” Ta’day on arrrrrrrrrrr program be tha’ fictional character o’ Ophelia. How ye’ do, lass?
OPHELIA: Oh, same old, same old. Pretty well decomposed now.
BND: Uhhhhh… what be that stickin’ in yer’ ribs thar’?
OPHELIA: Oh, that’s Yorick’s foolscap. You know there’s still a few bits of him underneath my skeleton. Alas. On top of every good man is a good woman.
BND: Okay, uhhhhhh… let’s move onta’ me next panel member, why, it’s a poor charicature o’ tha’ late American author John Cheever.
JOHN CHEEVER: What time is it?
BND: Why it be aboot 9 high in tha’ AM.
JOHN CHEEVER: Well, it’s drinking time then, isn’t it? Is that gin?
BND: Why, BND Brand Gin it be! So, Mr. Cheese-Her, aftar’ livin’ a life o’ self-imposed shame aboot being a closeted gay man, tryin’ ta’ fit in wit’ tha’ upper crust, and havin’ tha’ drink take away yer’ writin’ faculties, then dyin’ what iz life like now?
JOHN CHEEVER: (smashes bottle after he gulps it down) I’ll cut you!
BND: Woe, thar’… I’ll get Norman Mailer’s phantasm ta’ replace ye’… we’ll have us an ancient evening o’ converse. Speakin’ o’ ancient… you’ve lost quite a bit o’ weight thar’, fair Ophelia. Skinny minnie ye’ be!
OPHELIA: Thank you. I owe it all to the worms. You know, it’s also flattering that people still remember me and keep performing my role.
BND: Yeah, unlike me final panel member ta’day. Please meet noted crazed scientist Soren. Howdy doody, thar’.
MALCOLM McDOWELL: Look, I am not Soren. I am an actor that played that role. My name is Malcolm. I have had a long, stellar career.
BND: Hey- yer’ tha’ bloke that killed Kirkie! Smashed ‘im wit’ a bridge! Get ‘im, Cheeser! Get that prat!!!!
JOHN CHEEVER: Killed a kirk? (hic) A church? Unglorious Nazi bastard… I’ll cut you!
OPHELIA: Can I borrow some Lemon Pledge? It gets musty in the ground.
BND: Take this, Sore-arse! And this and this!
MALCOLM McDOWELL: You people are all insane. That was a charcter I played in a movie! It’s not real. It is fantasy and silly and all. Reality is that I’m an actor. (pulls out phazor gun) Now, get back all of you. In twenty minutes the Nexus will pass through this studio and lead me into a world of bliss and contentment and, somehow, Victorian Christmases.
BND: Whatthedevil? Oh… ye’ mean our guest’s gifts… Ye’ see some Lexuses will pass through this here studio, compliments of Hanckie Rugg’s Buggtussel Lexus Motor Mart. Ye’ do have ta’ give ‘em back after ye’ are seen in ‘em, though. For his adverts.
JOHN CHEEVER: Hey uh… Mr. D, doin’ anything (hic) or, uh, anyone after the show? Once you have Cheever, you never need beaver.
BND: God have mercy upon me.
TALK SHOW HOST CHARLIE ROSE: Why is that pantsless sailor talking to decayed corpses… and that guy that killed Captain Kirk… while sitting in MY CHAIR?! I’m not sitting in it after him like that- uggggg… sea diseases… get the Lemon Pledge.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Once you have Cheever, you never need beaver.
FTW!!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Beach#930- LMAO!! How did you know I have little Spock outfits for my kitties…
THX#932- So produce gets you going, heh? I myself do occasionally like a good zucchini, or banana, or cucumber…
Wait a tic… I tries ta’ beat up tha’ bloke that killed Kirkie and ye’ talk aboot produce?!!!!
Oh, BND, sailin’ seas so wary, quite contrary, how does yer’ garden grow?
Wit’ BND Brandy Gin, poured by fairies, and that is all ye’ shall know
Can’t find a better man, can’t find a better man, she dreams in colour, she dreams in redshirts, canna’ find a better man…wish I could play tha’ sax, me friend… juzt canna’ find a butter man… canna’ find a bleedin’ man, canna’ find a BND man… Gin makes me batty sin. Butz, I’ll be back again… Goodnight Seattle! I luvs ye’! Brenden wants no mores gauze-covered callers!
I be so bad at kar-eee-okeee…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Well…I see you all are having some fun here. ;)
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!
My mom finally got a job! Much stress has been alleviated.
And Denise, next time you go grocery shopping, please bring me with you.
Denise-
Actually I like peaches. And melons. And nice, firm tomaters.
But it isn’t the locale that is inspiring. It is the company. I just have bad timing and no sense of discretion.
936:
Just seemed to me that if Mr Kitty was going to be pissed about anything, that would be it.
938:Liz
Feeling better?
#940 “no sense of discretion”
Someone calling my name?
Denise, I am impressed with your predilection for zucchini, banana and cucumber. It would really be something to watch you make your selections in the grocery store!
Clean-up in aisle three!!
Cock tail weenies.
STAR TREK
Spock’s quarters, 0230
Kirk: “Help me! Spock!”
Spock runs in from the other room, and looks down, frowning at his Captain.
Spock: “You sat on my eggplant, didn’t you?”
Kirk: “Isn’t that why you bought it?”
Spock: “No, Jim. It is not. I am calling McCoy.”
Kirk: “No!,,,Just wait…I have a huge fart coming.” Kirk runs into the washroom.
Kirk: “Oh….My……GOD!” *Splash*
Kirk returns and hands Spock an eggplant: “You’re…eggplant, I presume, Mr. Spock?”
Spock takes the eggplant and puts it on the table. He looks back at Kirk.
Kirk: “It WAS quite a large eggplant, Mr. Spock…..” Kirk walks slowly to the bed…
FIN
Decompressing after the hour-and-a-half interview. Panel interview followed by meeting with the manager…little stressful. But at least they couldn’t tell I have a migraine and my nerves-induced hives were minimal this time around.
It’s always hard to tell about these things but I think I did reasonably well. Jobs in this division tend to be pretty politicized and it’s always who you know, not what you know or how well you do it, so my hopes aren’t too high.
Will probably know by the end of next week or into the week after that.
Whew!
Oh, and BND…don’t you worry, lad, there’s STILL plenty of me to love!
Good luck, Spockanella!
Poor Mr. Kitty is barely able to walk because of the pain meds the vet put him on. He also does not want to leave my side, so I must stay within 6 feet of him at all times or he wobbles around behind me trying to stay close. Poor baby.
948: Poor little darling. I feel so sad for him!
Denise,
I be praying for your kitty…. Hopefully you’ll both be feeling better about it soon.
Not to take anything away from Denise’s cat’s broken tail, but right now we are having an open house at the gallery featuring fantasy art by artists such as Boris Vallejo, Froud, James Christensen, and Nene Thomas, and have sold about 5 or 6 pieces so far.
This is great! (what the heck am I doing online right now?)
#946
Spockanella, we are sending positive thoughts your way!! Bon chance!
938:Liz
Feeling better?
Yes I am sweetie. Thank goodness. I am sorry for the kitty though. Poor little baby.
#922 :: Actually, I’m not as bad when I’m just reading as I am when I’m on the internet. I haven’t read anything by that particular author (gasp! an acclaimed author I haven’t read anything by!) but I have read some books where the grammar is… well, not perfect by any means, but the story was still fabulous.
Just look at Charles Dickens and his run-on sentences. It’s ridiculous but his writing is immortal.
#929 :: I know if a guy commented to ME about my weight (unless he said I looked great or something xD) I’d probably smack him. Either that or just flat-out tell him he’s a jerk.
#931 :: “..CALLER 1: Mrrrrrrummmmmph!
BRENDEN “FRASIER” CRANE: I said no more mummies! Quit calling in, dammit!..”
YAAAAY YOU JUST MADE ME A VERY, VERY HAPPY PERSON. I love that movie so much.
-attaches self to you-
Mr. Kitty says thank you for all the well-wishes (actually he says “mew”, but that is how Mommy translated it…).
Hello all.
Putting in a rare evening appearancewhilst putting out a few re-zoom-ays in front of the possibly maybe kinda sorta impending could be layoff.
Can ye blame me..? Arrrrr….
I’ll check in a little later.
Before bed.
If I go to bed…
#956
Always nice to have options…….
Harry
I agree. I also got the Contract Agency I technically work for to start searching their database for me, too.
Cross all digits. We’re going in!
YAAAAY YOU JUST MADE ME A VERY, VERY HAPPY PERSON. I love that movie so much.
-attaches self to you-
BND, you have a teenager attached to you. In the name of decency, please un-attach her. And put your skivvies on at least.
Beach,
I have crossed every digit I have, plus 3 that I did not know about until three minutes ago. It tickles.
Hopefully your current job won’t go under, but I agree that it is always nice to have options. Like the job I have sitting at OSU for when my job at Jersey Mike’s falls through at the start of the school year, or before then.
Apparently, Japan, France, and Canada are pulling out of recession now while the US remains in a crapsack. Though, this is according to Fox News and CNN, so I’m not exactly sure how to rate the accuracy on that one.
Good Morning
Ladies and Gentlemen!!!
I hope all is well here in this joint…! ;)
harumph……snort………huh? whassat? pass the joint? Sure, hereyago….zzzzz
960:
Thanks, Cub. And yes, it does, in fact, tickle…
961:
How’s it hangin;, Swollen-not-Harry-Ballz?
(They may be hairy, but I ain’t gonna look)
His name is Swollen Ballz! How do you think IT’S hangin’??
How’d ya like to serve on the USS Swollen Ballz?
Sweaty: “The engines canna take n’more cap’n. They’ll blow fer sure!”
Cherkinov: “If only we could penetrate the alien wessel’s shields!”
Spunk: “Gentlemen, I direct your attention to our immediate concern: the captain’s health.”
Krunk: “Captain’s Log. SU……. plimental. It is three days now since the entire female compliment of the Ballz beamed over to the alien ship. I…. fear… if…. somethingisn’tdonesoon… I will lose…. controlofmyself. Therefore, I have instructed chief engineer Sweatt to let out the crotchal region of one space suit. I will transport myself over to the alien ship and seek immediate R&R.”
Bones (yes, same name): “Jim, it’s too dangerous. Besides, we have a solution right here on the Ballz.”
Soloose: “Hellooooo.”
en fin
#966
LMAO!!
Especially the “Hellooooo” bit!
Arrrrrrrrr… Thanke’ Christine.
I parrrrrrrrrticular liked me mummy call-in as well, if I may say so meself.
Along tha’ lines o’ kittykats, me brother gave his one sick cat shots for years afore it finally passed. Me mom nursed a bad-tempered, almost blind cat until it passed at aboot 19 years.
As animals all have survival instincts and traits, such as armadillo’s wit’ thar’ armour and ants swarmin’ in multitudes, I think small cats learned ta’ get spoiled and domesticated by bein’ adorable.
As farrrrrrrr as big cats, well, we be thar’ lunch. Ne’er go inta’ tha’ jungle smeared wit’ Heinz 57 sauce. Bengals prefers Open Pit Original BBQ.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I just listened to songs from “Sheik Yerbouti” by Frank Zappa, which I bought when I was 15. Note to self: Do not let my kids listen to Frank Zappa’s “Sheik Yerbouti.”
969:
Not familiar with it. Why couldn’t your kids hear it?
BND, would BBQ sauce really kill the taste?
I runz like hell.
970:
It’s absolutely, wonderfully and intelligently filthy.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
In Civilization one would bathe so as not ta’ smells like Hot Rats and have folks Dweezil ye’ off ta’ some far away Moon Unit…
Runz like hell? Do ye’ taste like chicken?
Oh, I kidz cuz’ I stinks… Time fur’ some Lemon Pledge…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
For an interesting time capsule, if you have 20 minutes, this will introduce one to Frank Zappa (on CNN’s Crossfire). Great debate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ISil7IHzxc&feature=related
Our keyboard player worked a couple of gigs with Frank.
Said it was about the most awesome musical experience one could imagine and that Frank was a great dude.
Catholic gir-ir-irls, with their little mustaches…
Classic stuff.
We listened to Joe’s garage on 8-track in my buddy’s Chevelle… waaaaay back in the 70’s.
OK, my puter is now officially helping to track down ETs. (See Kayla’s latest.) Hopefully, we won’t bring the Bjorg to Earth.
Other ramblings: I see a review of ‘Inglourious Basterds’ that says Tarantino is deconstructing Hollywood movies. Does ‘deconstructing’ mean stealing in small bits? If so, then Nemesis certainly deconstructed 40 years of Trek darned well.
975:
Zappa was a perfectionist, and those jams were wild trips. He was writing opera and symphonies by the time he died.
976: CmdrR: I think that review of Tarantino may actually be positive. If I had to choose the proper verb for what “Nemesis” did, it would be ‘pissed on’ 40 years of Trek, and then flushed.
#977
That would make Stuart Baird the URINE-ATOR, wouldn’t it?
“this time it’s piss-onal!!”
978:
Harry: That’s just awful.
But you’re right.
C’mon, Harry, AJ… ‘Beach?
Tarantino does Trek. That’s gotta be worth a coupla lines in here.
Kirk: “What do they call a quarter pounder on Romulus?”
Spock: “A very small penis, Jim. Now show me your Whopper.”
There are very few talented directors in Hollywood……PERIOD!!!!!
I saw me that poorly spelled Inglorious Basterds film….
Tense scenes drag on and on, lulls here and thar’… hardly see Brady Pitt but he does steal tha’ few scenes he be in…
But tha’ last fifteen minutes o’ it make it worth tha’ wait… very different and very surprising though I did guess what woulda’ happen (knowin’ well that destructo-director Tarren-tootie’s fact’s o’ life are ascewed) but still, a very satisfyin’ end fur’ a long film…
Best film yet this long, dry summer… what? Wuz’ thar’ a Starry Trek film oot as well?… I should see that…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
However, tha’ Nazi-killin’ film ends wit’ these words, “This is my masterpiece.”
A bit presumptuous, eh?
Maybe Land o’ tha’ Lost wuz’ tha’ best film this summer… at least in that silly filmy me seafood dinner didda’ not go runnin’ aboot Johans’burg in its Vickers- I mean its knickers…
Oh, ta’ be a coy prawn now that fall be near… good sci-fi thar’, though…
Ahhhhh… well, fur’ a lonley sailor, so soon after his bris, adrift in tha’ wide starless world, I guess I cans say that… wait fur’ it…
I have no south and I must cream…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
“This is my masterpiece”
You’re kidding, right?
If not, Tarantino should remember self-praise is no recommendation!
This “Avatar” has me thinking it’s going to be the next “Ishtar.”
An idea sits in development hell for years ‘waiting for technology to catch up,’ and it sounds like “TRON” meets “Land of the Lost.” I’ve had a few avatars in “World of Warcraft” for 4 years, and this is about as original to me as warp drive in “Star Wars.”
The teaser-trailer looks like crap, though some who have caught the 3-D previews are gushing. Cameron has made some boffo films, but this seems all ‘wrong’ to me. Maybe THX is right, as he posted there, that the advance word has taken away the sparkle.
AJ/THX,
Agreed, Avatar does not impress me thus far. Who knows, though? Honestly, the Trek trailers seemed childish to me for a while, but I eventually liked them and loved the movie.
TOG:
Trek is different. “Avatar” is supposed to be like Jesus rising, and the 2-D trailer looks like lizard-men in Warcraft 2.0.
“Trek” was 2 years of biting our nails hoping they wouldn’t f*uc*k it up. I had no expectations to be blown away by the FX. And the FX were fine for someone, like us, who’s watched loads of big budget scifi.
This is supposed to be ‘next level.’ And the story has to be good to boot.
983: You could always suckle the glass teat instead, sailor.
AJ,
I haven’t really been following the whole “avatar” thing, I just know it’s supposed to be big, I’m just not sure WHY exactly. I know James Cameron is huge, and that’s about it. What’s the backstory here?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Ta’ be honest, I want ta’ see “Dreams Wit’ Sharp Teeth”, a docu-movie in which Robin Williams finds hundreds o’ typewriters… Have me glass teat on hand fur’ sure… Thanke….
I have no idear what Avatar be…
I’m waitin’ fur’ Casablanca 2- all done digital-like… Who needs actors? Just Robin Williams doin’ all tha’ voices…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Oh, no joke Harry.
As much as I indeed enjoyed tha’ non-factual endin’ o’ Unglourious Basterds, that wuz’ tha’ final line which I thought wuz’ a bit o’ a wink ta’ hisself… takes ye’ outta tha’ film a bit but… hey, it’s o’er!
Lookin’ back, it has a pace like an old ziti western…
Anyways, what else be out tha’? Tha’ Time Traveler’s Wife?
- “Honey, take out the fricken garbage already!”
- “Uhhhhh… I can’t! I’m….. uhhhhhhh… drifting out of time again! Dwoo-dee-dee! Dwoo-dee-dee! Taxi! Quick- take me to Arby’s!”
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I just went to see Moon Over Buffalo, a farce/comedy play starring Cindy Williams. She was great and it’s a funny production. Anybody here ever seen it?
TOG:
That’s the thing…There’s nothing to follow. Except hype that we’ll once again discover sliced bread with his new 3D FX blah blah.
The man has so far been incapable of making a bad film. I watched “Abyss” recently, and I catch “T2″ and “T1″ quite often on cable. And whether the pace is rapid or slow, he can do the job. I think I want to see “Aliens” again because it turned a great movie into a huge and great sequel. It rocks.
He’s never done anything bad, and though he and our pal James Horner dumbed down to “Titanic,” I think this could be good. No judgment until we see it.
AJ,
Mmkay, gotcha. I’ve gotta say that I absolutely love both “Alien” and “Aliens.” I’m so glad that Ridley Scott is coming back for the prequel. After the first two, the series took a major downturn. I just watched “Resurrection” for some reason or another. As for Aliens3, I just turned it off half-way through because it was so awful.
As for Mr. Cameron, he really does seem to have an impressive track record. Hopefully “Avatar” will live up to his reputation. I just pray that “talent atrophy” didn’t happen to him like it did with Lucas. That would be a shame.
I have a couple things to say:
First of all, a confession: Even though I’m not a big fan of “Nemesis”, I still went out and bought it at Marshall’s for five bucks because, well, I can hardly get a value meal at Burger King for that much. That, and I’d like to continue the collection I’ve started. (The DVDs I have so far look pretty snazzy lined up by my ’Trek books on my new bookshelf… well, old bookshelf, but I painted it the other day!)
Another thing: I have to disagree with some of you on Avatar. I don’t know the plot or really anything about what it’s… about (bad wording) but I’ll probably go see it anyways. The CGI really impressed me, and I’d see it just for that.
(Then again, so did the TV-budget CGI of “Enterprise” (those Xindi-Aquatics looked really good) and all the snazzy starships… Maybe I’m not hard to please?)
#985 :: Star Wars ships had Warpdrive? Since when?
#992 :: “The Time Traveler’s Wife” looks like a movie that might make me start sobbing… Kind of like “The Notebook”… and “Marley and Me”…. and “Nights in Rodanthe”…
…and “The Wrath of Khan”….
Which means I have to go see it. ^__^;;;
Have fun with the crying!
#997 :: I probably will. If I cry by the end, it probably means I loved the movie to death!
If Tarantino’s movie bombs, at least he’s got his looks to fall back on.
Yeah, for when they remake Frankenstein!
*snark attack*
heeeee
For the record, I think Jackie Brown is a great movie. I think Pulp Fiction is a great mess. The trailers keep me away from much of his other work. In the comment above, I was acknowledging a review which speak of Tarantino’s work to deconstruct genres we’ve know and occassionally loved. I just don’t think that that is a great achievement. Everyone in here has written satire on Trek. That’s deconstruction. SO FRAKKIN’ WHAT? And that’s the feeling I get with a bad ‘homage.’ It just feels like a repeat. Make something NEW. Puh-LEEEEZ, Hollywood.
CmdrR, you just said a cotton-pickin’ mouthful!!
I agree!
Facebook Warning:
My account was “disabled for violation of terms of service” this evening. I expect this was done in error, as i use the service, like all of us, as a basic social networking service for contact with friends and family. And I use it rarely.
I sent them a terse message.
Just a warning: If they are compromised, if you have any vital information in FB your e-mails, get it out now. I lost several contacts which were vital to my job-search next week. If something has compromised the service, which has been happening recently to both Twitter and Facebook, you all may want to re-evaluate what you have on there.
I am pissed off, as I had three job leads going through FB e-mail. A-holes.
Hang in, AJ.
AJ#1003- WHAT?! Facebook inbeciles…
I’m back on FB. They sent a new password just now.
It’s tough to know who’s deceiving you these days. I honestly thought the note from FB was a fake. Apparently it wasn’t. Ham-handed way of fixing things, regardless.
1001:
Are you linking your CHAT colleagues with the lack of creativity in Hollywood? And you get a “bad homage” feeling from us? How wude!
QT was most recently associated with a double-feature of ’70s-style exploitation flicks whose references were so obscure that many critics asked why movies which sucked, and no-one watched 30 years ago should get the treatment.
Of course, he could ‘mainstream’ himself as he ages, much like what happened with Woody Allen, though I’ll take “Bananas” over “Hannah and Her Sisters” any day.
As much as I enjoyed Woody Allen’s early work, I really thought he came into his own with the period of Annie Hall, Manhattan and Hannah And Her Sisters. Nice stuff!
Annie Hall was absolutely brilliant. Christopher Walken’s brief scenes are hilarious.
Yeah, I can truly see why Annie Hall OWNED Star Wars in 1977 at the Oscars!
AJ — I’m not blasting anyone’s efforts in 69 Forward. But, we’re not selling you the right to run your eyeballs over our stuff for 10-bucks a pop. (And it’s higher in places!) Also, there is a time and place for good homages. Halle Berry can rise from the waves in homage to Ursula Andress ANY FRAKKIN’ DAY! The first Raiders is one big homage. It’s great, too.
I guess my definition of a ‘bad’ homage is something that simply rips off the original WITHOUT taking on a life of its own.
Anyhoo…
Okay you guys – let us get back to talking about the important things:
Boobies
Raiders is great. SW is also homage.
By the way, I do not say ‘hoMAZH.’ I say ‘hAHm-idj.’
Oh, and now that Denise is outed (1012), we can start paying hoMAZH to some good, solid “boobage.”
I tend to like all types, unless they obscure the belly-button. But gravity is something they mention quite a bit in Star Trek, so we’ll take the bad with the good.
Give me Droxine any day. Now, her scrumptious boobs seemed to defy gravity. I think Spock is definitely a boob-man. I’d like to ask Denise her opinion.
Denise 1012,
Boobies:
Noun.
Plural.
The mammory glands of the human female. Many males of the species find that they are sexually appealing and thus yell the word loudly in public spaces.
Synonyms:
Jugs
Funbags
Melons
Whoppers
Gazongas
1014:
You forgot “tits,” which, fascinatingly, can also be used as a form of address by men of a certain class level.
Example. In a restaurant: “Hey, Tits! I ordered my f*ckin gin & tonic two days ago!”
If you call a man “Tits,” unless that’s his real name, he’ll most likely punch you. If he doesn’t, run like hell.
Of course, no-one here has mentioned the word “breasts,” which women find endearing and even flattering at times.
There is also the word “hooters,” which is now generally accepted by most women in daily parlance, especially those who inexplicably work at “Hooters.” You can, in your office, ask your secretary to “make us a reservation for five at Hooters” without getting sued.
The proper spelling is “Juggs.”
AK#1013- I think Spock is more a “brain-man” more than anything. The Cloudminders was the only ep in which he paid attention to a woman more than he did to Captain Kirk (whilst in his right mind), so I would hazard a guess that he was trying to make Kirk jealous with his attentions to the lovely Droxine…
TOG#1014- You show an impressive knowledge of the subject…
1017:
Denise:
The female Stratos-dwellers on Ardana actually carry one brain in each buttery breast. Spock was obviously doing some serious melding.
I envy Spock.
Go check out the Hubble Telescope vid on ‘Science Friday.’ Such great stuff…
Like I’ve always said, “you’ve seen one woman naked, you want to see the rest of them naked!”
An old granny biker chick with her chest down to her knees could ask, “do you wanna see my titties?” You’ll stare at her for a second and reply, “yeah, I do!”
The following post is pointless and in no way contributes to the conversation of boobs, chat, or nudity.
=================================================
Woo!
Just unpacked all my Trek books after over a year in storage! My brother is finally moving out, so I get to take over his room like the good little hermit that I am. That is, after it’s cleaned. The place is absolutely disgusting.
==================================================
Now back to chat:
Eh-hem…..
Denise is going grocery shopping! Boys, grab your cameras!
Boopsies.
Or, in tha’ case o’ that old granny biker chick-
Dropsies.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Nice to see everyone in a pleasent mood today.
Thinkin agout going to see DISTRICT 9.
Anyone have any input???
}:-D>
1016: I HOPE to God he was trying to make Kirk jealous, because otherwise I have some serious doubts as to Spock’s sanity in that ep….to this day I don’t know why the writer thought Spock (Spock! Of all people!) would be attracted to Droxine (which still sounds like a motion-sickness pill). And all that ridiculous background narration…only thing I can think is that there was some of that goofy-gas up in Stratos, not just in the mines, and it was affecting Spock’s judgement. Yeecchh.
Oh, classic Trek, I love it. I’m definitely falling in love more with TOS the more I see it. I just watched “Mirror, Mirror” for the hell of it. So very fun…. and to think that they said that the transporter would never be used as a plot device and only as a means for transportation.
I love these alternate universe things simply because we get to see different aspects of the characters that we might not see otherwise, but how those aspects also interact with the original parts that we know and love.
Lurrrker… District 9 wuz’ fine. Dunna eat seafood afore hand, though. It be a good sci-fi film, CGI better than some Yankee films, though a bit odd and likely inspired by Apartheid and seperationism (ye’ think?).
Perhaps tha’ lesson o’ District 9 be ye’ are (or ye’ become) what ye’ eat.
Uh, oh… that’s gunna’ cause a stir here… Good thing I took me Droxine tablets to weather me through…
I still get TOS remastered reruns airin’… wonder what eppie it will be tonite? I suppose I could buy more D-vds than just tha’ sixth film…
Nahhhhhh…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Anyone seen District 9 ????
I saw it. Decent film but very strange. Tha’ main character be an English twit I wuz’ offended at… until I realized I be a British twit… but actually an odd tale of alienation and tha’ aliens be seen as dirty bums… Them South Africans just wanted to learn how ta’ use their barbies ta’ grill ‘em up… and tha’ aliens only wanted ta’ phone home…
Go see fur’ yerself…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Thanks BND, lookin forward to seeing you in Trek 2011, ‘cept you should write the script. }:-D>
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… changed tha’ nacelles ta’ have nipples in me first treatment… And gave Quinto a tummy purse ta’ wear in all scenes…
Inglourious Basterds is worth a look as well…
It has at least two scy-fy-like connections:
One scene in which plays David Bowie’s “Putting Out Fire” (Cat People) really is chilling and powerful…
And Rod Taylor (The Time Machine) plays Winston Churchill…
But tha’ warped ending is worth sittin’ through tha’ whole film…
That’s it fur’ me folks! Have a good day y’all! Dunna go wearin’ a Hello Kitty costume ta’ an opera in Japan like I did once…
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
I thought district 9 was great for and august movie. (which august movies usually suck)
Gee, I asked if anybody had seen a certain play back at #993, but I guess nobody has….
Harry:
I think I had a crush in Cindy Williams back when she was in “Laverne and Shirley.”
And, I haven’t seen a play in a long time (kids’ excluded, of course).
Bad Homage: Shia LaBeouf dressed like Marlon Brando.
I’d rather eat prawn.
#1023 :: I was thinking the SAME THING while watching that episode a couple weeks ago! I honestly couldn’t see what Spock could see in that girl. I mean, come on… He’s got to have better taste in women than that. At least the whole Spock/Leila Kalomi (”This Side of Paradise”) made some sense. She had a brain. She was a botanist and such. (Not to mention really, really determined.)
#1024 :: The Mirror Universe freaks me out so much. IT’S WEEEIRD. But I would have loved to see more Mirror Universe Kirk. x3
STAR TREK
Stratos
Spock (Voiceover): “The woman, Droxine, has insatiable curiosity and voluptuous hooters. She is, unfortunately, a moron.”
Droxine: “I am fascinated by this artform, Mr. Spock. What do you suppose it is?”
Spock: “It is a representation of New York City in a small plastic container filled with water and artificial snowflakes. If you shake it, it “snows.” ”
Droxine: (shakes it) “Beauty in all its forms is sacred to me, and to all who dwell on Scalos.”
(Voiceover): “If I play my cards right, I may get one over on this broad before the Captain returns from intimidating the surface-dwellers.”
Droxine: “Is it true, Mr. Spock, that Vulcans only mate once every seven years?”
(Voiceover): “Bingo.”
FIN
Typonians: Stratos. Not Scalos. ;)