Library Computer: “Kirk’s Guide To Women” Review + Author Interview + Giveaway

NEW FEATURE: ‘Library Computer’ is our latest regular column and it is entirely dedicated to Trek Books. The goal will be to review and preview every new Trek book (novels and non-fiction), plus offer interviews, retro-reviews and retrospectives. This first ‘Library Computer’ has a Valentine’s Day theme as Rob (and Kristen) Lyons take a look at the new "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women." Plus we have copies of the book to give away…see below.

According to a recent poll, 64% of the readers here are single men so we thought to dedicate this week’s column to each and every one of you who aspire to something beyond single-ness…

Interview with John "Bones Rodriguguez, author of "Captain Kirk’s Guide To Women"

Valentine’s Day is big business. It is estimated that consumers will spend an average of $77.43 on Valentine’s Day gifts this year. E-commerce retailers are projecting sales of food, candy, flowers, and other gifts to top the $650 million mark. Just in time to take advantage of the Valentine’s Day shopping frenzy comes a book for Trekkers who haven’t yet managed to land a mate. "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women" is the brainchild of John "Bones" Rodriguez, a New Yorker with a varied resume… and a lot of things to say on the topic of attracting women, Jim Kirk style. With a week to go before Valentine’s Day, I managed to interrupt the author in the midst of a round of Halo 3. He graciously took a penalty to talk with me about his background, books, and bride. – I suppose the invariable and inevitable first question has to be… Bones?

John "Bones" Rodriguez – "Yea. In high school, me and my friends made our own Trek movie. I’m sixteen, weigh about ninety-eight pounds, and I have moon boots on. One of my friends, Eddie, played the alien, and I played McCoy. I pick up a tricorder and examine him while he’s dead, and of course I had to say, "He’s dead, Jim!" I was skinny, playing the doctor, and the name just stuck."

TM – Actor, author, entrepreneur… you have quite the varied resume. What led you to pen a Star Trek book?

BR – I love Star Trek. My cousin introduced me to it, and I just really enjoy it. I also read a lot of self help and leadership books. So I took those two items and paired them with my love for women.

TM – What is it about Captain Kirk that really spawned your interest in writing "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women"?

BR – I’m definitely aware of the humor of Star Trek. The women were so responsive so Kirk, and yet Kirk always kept his eye on the mission. Originally, Harlan Ellison (writer of the Original Series episode: City on the Edge of Forever) wanted Spock to stop Kirk from rescuing Edith Keeler, but Gene Roddenberry told Ellison that Kirk was too focused on his mission. Even she wasn’t able to keep him from his mission.

On top of that, studies show that eighty percent of the money spent on books is spent by women. I wanted to write a book that could introduce those women to Star Trek and make them say things like, "Oh, I want to see Joan Collins in that episode."

TM – What was the writing process like for you?

BR – I had the idea for a while. I began by going through the Original Series episode by episode to take down all the romance lessons from Captain Kirk, but that bogged me down. It was too much. Finally someone told me to just write a proposal and that the publisher would help me with the rest. So I went right out and bought some books about publishing. I tend to bury my head in stuff for a while. Overall, the project took about two or three years. I put together a ten page proposal for Simon and Schuster, who then worked it up to a thirty page proposal. A thirty page proposal for a ninety-six page book! A lot of material had to be cut out.

 TM – Finally, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, (and because advice-givers are only worth listening to if they have used their own advice) what Jim Kirk move did you use to win your woman’s heart?

BR – I think for me it was just a matter of being my own captain. People are attracted to people who are on a mission. My mission is to help people reach their own heights and to go for the dreams that they want. I want to make sure people have freedom to express themselves. My wife was attracted to that.

The Guide which includes color pictures throughout

Well, "Bones" certainly met the confidence factor when we spoke on the phone, but the real question I was left wondering about was, "What will women think of his advice?" That’s where my wife enters in.

A few weeks ago when my advance copy of "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women" arrived, I had opened it and set it in my pile of material to review. Being somewhat larger than novel –sized, my wife picked it up and started to flip through it. Pretty soon, I heard some giggling, and when she finally commented on the book she said, "I could review this book for you." So, without further buildup, let’s see what Kristen Lyons thinks of Rodriguez’s advice.

Review: "Captain Kirk’s Guide To Women" (by Kristen Lyons)

I should start by saying I am not a Trekkie, this is the first Star Trek book I’ve read and were it not for my husband, I would have no idea about redshirts, "Live Well and Prosper," [editor’s note: She did say she wasn’t a Trekkie] or the starship Enterprise. That said I do have a basic understanding of what it means to be a Trekkie. Whether there is truth behind the stereotype that being a Trekkie is not cool and that most Trekkies are sitting at home on Friday night in front of their computer is not for me to answer. I can say it’s not always true (since my husband managed to get me to marry him), however this book confirms some stereotypes may be true. The author boldly proclaims that "Trekkies Don’t Get Chicks" and that "while their memory banks are full of technical aspects of the Star Trek universe… many have missed the critical data on romance…"

John "Bones" Rodriguez offers advice on getting chicks and uses analogies that only true Trekkies can appreciate in this short, easy read, "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women." The premise of the book is that Captain Kirk is to be the role model that one should use to pick up women and find love. The many women that have had the fortune to catch Kirk’s eye are used to provide greater insight into the minds of women and the author’s comments on each woman teach us the skills that Kirk used to have his way with them. While I can’t comment on the accuracy of Star Trek information in the book, it appears to be well thought out and applicable for the topic.

The book begins with Rodriguez proclaiming that he wrote the book "…because it is a well known fact that many Trekkies have had some difficulties locking their tractor beams onto members of the fairer sex" then moves onto the ten things the author learned about love from Star Trek. The top ten list includes "Humans are preoccupied with the subject of love" and "The heart is not a logical organ". Before showing us why Captain Kirk is a stud, Rodriguez shows us why redshirts ("A Redshirt gets tongue-tied when speaking to a woman") and crew members ("On a romance mission, a crew member is also known as your wingman") don’t get the woman.

The reader is given a mission, determine what you want from a woman and then begin to get it. Whether you want a one night stand or a long-term relationship, the objectives of the mission are the same; explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations and finally, boldly go where no man has gone before. The author outlines four guiding stars that Captain Kirk follows on his mission to get the ladies. Each of the four stars contains in-depth case studies of the women and their appeal. Every woman has a profile, special notes, telltale quotes, and a log. The log tells us the author’s opinion on the relationship and then solidifies Kirk’s stud status. These case studies make up the bulk of the book and are informative and amusing. As I said before, the author must have done his homework since he uses quotes and knows age, species, and other unique facts. For a Trekkie, I imagine that these studies will be interesting to read since they revolve around Star Trek trivia.

I found the book to be mixed with humor and knowledge of Star Trek. However, some of the advice seemed to contradict itself and some was just plain bad. Encouraging a man to take control of his life and go after what he wants is good, giving him tools and support is also good. However, the author seems to imply that only Captain Kirk can get the ladies and to some extent, encourages the reader to be someone he his is not. As a woman, I can say that encouraging a man to act like someone other than himself is not wise. There is nothing more unappealing than a man who is not comfortable in his own skin and who is trying to be someone else, except….. a man who is scared to approach a woman and lacks confidence. Kirk embodies confidence and doesn’t try too hard and I believe that is the message the author is trying to get across. Remember, not everyone can be Captain Kirk, in fact, without the redshirts or crew members, I submit that Captain Kirk would not be powerful force that he is. Just as in
the world of Star Trek, in the real world, there are all kinds of men and women… and there IS someone for everyone.

The best advice that Rodriguez offers is "a little less analysis and a little more action," meaning make your move, be confident and go after what you want. He also reminds us not to push something too hard. Finally, whatever you do, don’t use any of the pick-up lines that "Bones" offers, unless perhaps, you are trying to pick up another Trekkie. But definitely take the time to read this book.

Book Giveaway

Here at, we have five copies of Rodriguez’s book available for the hapless Trekker who is ready to put James Kirk’s relationship principles to the test in their lives. "How do I get my hands on a copy?" you ask? It’s as easy as answering a simple question: How desperately do you need Jim Kirk’s advice to score a date? In fifty  words or less, share with us why you need a copy of John "Bones" Rodriguez’s new book. Type your request below in the talkback headed with "WHY I NEED KIRK’S GUIDE." The top five respondents over the next forty-eight hours will win a copy of "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women," together with our fervent support and prayers that it just might help! (Disclaimer: does not assume any liability for the success or failure of dates undertaken after receipt of prize, or for any damage to your personal reputation that flows from your posted entry.)

More on "Bones"

John "Bones" Rodriguez can currently be seen nationwide in Olive Garden’s latest advertising campaign, and his book, "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women" can be found at online retailers and in your local bookstore. Links to Bonus material from "Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women", and the companion work "Spock’s Guide to Women" (as well as his Star Trek film debut – complete with moon boots), can be found at

Until next time…
That about wraps it up for the Library Computer this week. Time for me to go get my Starfleet uniform cleaned and pressed and see what my wife thinks of going to dinner with me in command gold.



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very nice column, indeed. And a nice book…I have it :-)

first again?

or Don’t I? At least I remeber, years ago, there was a book with a title and cover that sonud, and looks, similar.. is that possible?

Neat! Although giving a bunch of geeky star trek fans a pick up guide is like trying to teach a fish to smoke, very time consuming and totally unnecessary. Mugatu has better pick up lines, anyway.

oups…that sounds and looks similar , I mean.

Live “Well” and Prosper?

something beyond songle-ness? hehe… :-) you know how old these ladies are nowadays?


Well, she said she wasn’t a Trekkie…:)

All I got to say to you guys is, open your eyes and look around you. Trek-lovin’ single wimmin are everywhere.

Peace. Live long and prosper.
The Vulcanista }:-|

As much as I like Star Trek, I dont know what to think about a book like that and I am married. Hey! What would Shatner think about a book like that??

“…64% of the readers here are single men…”

Speaking as a married man (twice actually, though not at the same time) I just want to say that I love Star Trek, but … um… women are better!

As a single woman I can see why women are attracted to a confident man in power, but I’ve never liked the way he treated some of the women. Plus I always thought he fell in love too often, he had a new woman in every eposide just about. I wouldn’t want a man who had too many women on his list.

^ The real reason Kirk is so close to Bones is that they see each other so often while Kirk gets his ‘shots.’ Tomcatting carries a price.

On a semi-serious note, Tara touches on an important point. While some of Trek’s writing is realistic, much of it is 60’s in nature. Not unlike James Bond and other heroes, Kirk is written to be a sex machine, complete with theme music. This is not how things work. Yes, I do believe women (and men) respond to confidence, I don’t believe 20-something women swoon whenever an alpha male walks in the room. Ya gotta work at it. Trek, like other fiction of its day, takes enormous liberties with emotional relationships. Notice that no one’s married? (We didn’t learn about Carol Marcus or Bones’s failed marriage until well after TOS aired. Spock gets hitched and divorced immediately.) Moreover, there is a ‘girl of the week’ mentality. No strings, just sex. This doesn’t work and anyone who’s tried to live that way knows why. Movie-era Kirk is much more interesting in that he is forced to deal with the consequences of being a luv machine for all those early years. At the end of IV, he’s positively flumoxed at being thrown over… for a pair of whales.

BTW, all of the above holds true with slight alterations for today’s shows, like Gray’s Anatomy and Sex and the City.

Point is: reality and happy life are somewhere between Kirk and emo wimps.

Happy Valentine’s everyone!


I really need Kirk’s guide to women.
It’s been 7 years since I last had a girlfriend.
So right now, I’m looking at a journey to Pon-farr city very soon now.
In fact it’s overdue.
All my work colleagues have no idea what they are about to experience.
At the rate it’s setting in, I’ll be propositioning female staff at my workplace very soon and that could get me fired.
Then I’ll lose my job, money and home.
This is why it’s essential that I get this book.
I feel with Kirk’s advice I can actually legit get a girlfriend and in turn manage to purge my body of the symptoms of this dreaded Pon-farr.
My need for this book is greater than any other man or woman yet to post here for I have the seven year itch that everyone fears.
The itch that may require me to mate or fight or and this I fear most, die!.
Please help me out and allow me to have the knowledge contained within Kirk’s manifesto to score and get chicks.
Thank you.

I think my plea was above fifty words so here it is again with a few lines cut out. I have jinxed myself now!.


“I really need Kirk’s guide to women.
It’s been 7 years since I last had a girlfriend.
So right now, I’m looking at a journey to Pon-farr city very soon now.
In fact it’s overdue.
All my work colleagues have no idea what they are about to experience.”

DM —
Are you even Vulcanian? At least if you die, it’ll be to some cool music.

or, you could try:


I need Kirk’s guide because I’ve never had a girlfriend! Been a Trekkie since 12; and no action, ever. I’m completely clueless when it comes to women. I always wished I knew how Captain Kirk did it! Reading Kirk’s guide will help me figure it out!

“…64% of the readers here are single men…”

Yeah, but how many of that 64% are heterosexual? I have about as much use for Kirk’s Guide to Women as he did for the Prime Directive.


God-speed, my friend. Until things get better, try to stay down wind.

It’s times like these and soul baring testimonials like that when I thank God that I became a musician. It has led me to the promised land. My advice to others would be to become proficient at something, preferably cool. Dungeons and Dragons would not be it. I may be off base due to being 42, but I think Halo and World of Warcraft would be the same.

My advice to you is this. If you cannot find a woman who likes Star Trek as much as you do, simply remove it from the realm of conversation with the woman you are intersted in. I am in love with (and happily married to) a woman who, to my knowledge, has never been able to sit through an episode of Trek. She doesn’t get it, anymore than I get “Beaches”, “Little Women”, “Cats”, or “Pretty Woman”. I don’t talk about Star Trek at the dinner table, and she doesn’t make me watch musicals at the theater. We share plenty of other interests. She even loves football!

My children and the people here at are my trekkin’ buddies. That is more than enough. If you want to attract a female, it is probably not a good idea to dress like Spock for Halloween–at least not until you have been married for awhile…(unless of course, you are married to The Vulcanista, Scifigirl, Iowagirl, Robin or Denise–hope I am not leaving any of you lovely ladies out). But that’s just my opinion.

And #14—That music is fantastic! If I am ever strangled with the An’woon(sp?-ah, who cares?) or sliced up by the Lerpa, may it be to that score!


I need Kirk’s guide because I have to know how you can get with a girl without her wanting all the marriage/relationship afterwards. Kirk was always slipping on the boots, I must know how it got it week after week (one-night-stand after one-night-stand).

#16–Neither does my brother-in-law, but his conquests in Houston’s gay community are apparently legendary. Maybe he should get together with George Takei, write a book and call it, “Hikaru Sulu’s Guide To Homosexual Men”. IDIC

#19–It sure helps to have a Starship you can use to quickly break out of orbit!


And if I could lose this last 10 lbs, I’d be *happy* to accompany “Spock” on Halloween dressed as an Orion Slave Girl! :)

Peace. Live long and prosper.
The Vulcanista }:-|

What’s next?

“Riker’s Guide To Genderless Romance”?

“Phlox’s Guide To Swingin’ With Denobulans”?

“Data’s Guide To Artificial Dating”?

“Tom Paris’ Guide To Holodeck Lovin’ “?

“Quark’s Guide To Vulcan Love Slaves”?

Ok. I’m done.


I’ve had a lot of women in my life. But if there is something James T. Kirk thaught me, is that there is no such a thing as “too many” women. As the man once said, “All that I ask is a girl in every spaceport, and the stars to steer them from each other.” Talk about wise!

#22–If only my wife were as enthusiastic!


i need kirks guide because unlike most of the posts i have a girlfriend and shes a pain in my arse and i need to ‘kirk’ her !! i need the kirk factor to control her moanin i think those single guys anr very lucky not to have the hastle !!

#24–To all the girls I’ve loved before…who’ve travelled in and out my quarters…

Thank God for Bones, and all of those “special” hypo sprays!!!

If only those were available when I was a young Marine…


Yeah, that’s one lucky girl…

Peace. Live long and prosper.
The Vulcanista }:-|

-Plus I always thought he fell in love too often, he had a new woman in every eposide just about. –

No, he hadn’t – it’s just the perception we may have, maybe because we attach that much importance to love, courtship, and sex ourselves, and, therefore, we tend to do some content filtering? I said this before in another thread, but I think it’s important to not turn in that perception. Watch the eps again and you’ll see what I mean.

And he only fell in love three times – Edith Keeler, Miramanee and Rayna. The other women were quite effective antagonists, and were merely courted for the ship’s sake, or they were chasing HIM (e. g. Deela).

– Kirk is written to be a sex machine, complete with theme music. –

Aah, I‘m afraid you‘ve already fallen into that trap. ;-)
Granted, there might have been a slight prevalence of “close encounter” eps in the 3rd season, but we should be able to not lose track of the entire character showing us many more traits, features, and skills. Being a womanizer is just one chapter of the book, and Kirk‘s attitude towards women doesn’t suggest “sex machine” as basic adjustment – on the contrary, it’s much more differentiated as eps like GOF, Paradise Syndrome, or Charlie X demonstrate.

As regards the book, I think it should be taken with a grain of salt. As I said before, we all should know that on the one hand there is more to Kirk than meets the eye, and that on the other hand finding a mate requires a lot of individual endeavor – but as a humorous reference book, as a ST nod, I think it‘s a nice complement.

Does anyone remember the novelization of STIII? It has probably been 20 years or so since I last read it, so my memory of it isn’t clear. Did Saavik become pregnant after she “helped” young Spock with his Pon Farr? For some reason, I thought I remembered that. I know I am straying off topic somewhat, but for some reason I thought of that a few minutes ago. Since this column is about the books, maybe it isn’t such a stretch of the subject matter…

# I would SO buy all of those lol

Somebody needs to refute the idea he bedded a woman in every episode, so go here.


You’re correct. I think it’s a deleted never-filmed scene from the movie as well, but I’m not sure about that.

Peace. Live long and prosper.
The Vulcanista }:-|

Here’s another myth-buster…

Now somebody needs to write one for Trek girls who can’t seem to get a guy. Let me tell you, you say the words “Star Trek” and 99% of men are running away at warp ten.


while I don’t need a Wilt Chamberlain type book like that… I did notice someone suggesting the lot of available ladies who are Trekkers…

interesting… wonder if I could start my own “Enterprise-Harmony” site and rake in some dough…

think I’d end up setting folks up with people I find at the bus stop or tha underground though… “she’s perfect for ya… and she’s got most o’ her teeth…”

Seriously… I be looking fur love in all tha wrong places… all I need is a good ship of a woman and a star to steer us together through life…


Much to the humor side. I like it when Kirk in “What are Little Girls?” grabs Andrea and forced kissed her. I guess he said hey! you’re going to take this and deal with it. In real life. Sherry Jackson said that Bill caught her off guard and GAVE her the tongue so hard he took off her make up!!! She did not look to disappointed!! So you know a little Kirk in guy cant hurt!! even in some famous rap songs Captain KIrk’s female exploits were mentioned quite often….with the artists looking up to him. We know one thing the captain did not discriminate. He banged them in ALL colors. Maybe they have that universal color downstairs!! H a Ha!
well in st6, he punched the hell out of Iman’s character after learning that she was a shapeshifter!!!!

Wrong! Women who love star trek I find quite sexy and hot. And I’m not a closeted geek, I’m a full fledged STAR TREK FAN who women do FANCY. So it’s not impossible guys!!!

#37, Batts, “he punched the hell out of Iman’s character” ROFLMAO!!! Yeah, and I love the dialogue in that scene…”I can’t believe I kissed you…” “Must’ve been your life-long ambition!” then, a Kirk sucker punch like in the good ol’ days…

time fur me to class up the joint…

Single white male
Goes by name of “British Naval Dude”
34, 5’9, trim, dark blonde hair- Germanic features
Well mannered, kind to wee animals, has a career, enjoys Shakespeare and Pre-Raphealite artists, watches a good deal of football, has a tendancy to pillage here and thar and beat up Frenchmen, enjoys classical and rock music, cooks well, enjoys the rum, and gives to charities.

Looking for an interesting lady to watch all Trek with. Even Enterpoop.

Has e-mail address and photos upon request… ignore tha hunchback.

….harrrrr! Now I’m ready to post that on ENT-Harmony…harr harr

#38, right on! When I go out wearing a TOS Tshirt, I can hardly walk up to the Wendy’s counter and order, for the women hugging my legs. I have to drag them around. They cry, “TAKE ME, you hunk of burning Trekker! Your taped glasses and pocket penholder TURN ME ON!”

Then they fight over me. Yes, Trek has been good to me and my love life.


Because I was fortunate to land a lady who just happens to be just as much of a star trek fan as I am. In fact we are about to celebrate our one year anniversary. She is an awesome lady and I have never been more pleased, in fact she even Role Plays as Melota, Kor’Tar’s mate one myspace with me from time to time. Life is good! :D



Peace. Live long and prosper.
The Vulcanista }:-|



First, box up all your TREK books, videos and toys. Once you start dating that special someone, if she stumbles across this junk, just admit, “Yeah, I used to like that stuff, but I’m finally outgrowing it. I’m selling all that stuff on eBay.”

Then, after she grows to love you for who you are and you both get married, THEN you can break all that stuff out again in all its glory!

She’ll say: “Hey! I thought you were getting rid of that junk!”

You say: “I changed my mind! And it’s too late… you’re stuck with me now!!!”

(Hey, it worked for me. If I have to put up with “Grey’s Anatomy” and Lifetime TV movies, she can live with my STAR TREK-geekiness. Plus, we now have 2 daughters… she ain’t leavin’ me now!) :)


My intended knew nothing of my (then) small Trek collection… but once we were married, out of my parent’s house closet and into my new home it came!

The old “bait-and-switch” works! 27 years later, she still puts up with it, and it has grown to inhabit three large cabinets.


…stop wearing white sports socks with black loafers.

Or black socks with white sneakers.

Or white socks with sandals.

And shave that gnarly goatee!

#48 – I have a gnarly goatee and stash and my lady hasn’t complained yet , in fact, she is one of the rare ladies who is happy with me hairy faced or clean shaven.

Trek chicks rule!


Being a Trekker in High School is tough! I get nervous around girls I like, and there’s just something there that’s preventing me from getting a date. I really, really need to change something, and FAST. I don’t want to go through High School without even holding a girls hand!

“Why I need Kirk’s Guide.”

I am 22 years old, and I have never been in a serious relationship before in my life. I think that covers it